My Husband, My Life, My Love, My Family, My Cancer
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Yay for you !!! That's awesome Chillin and swimming now eating You're on yourway !
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So I need to vent some anger. Yes, I could go to the "Steam Room Thread" or the "Coronavirus Thread", but I want to come to Mel's Living Room. Plop down on the couch and punch a pillow. Here we go----
I have a friend. His has a good heart. But I am getting angry with him tonight. He still works full time due to being considered an "essential" worker. So off he goes to his job every day. No, he doesn't wear a mask at work ( I asked). He still frequents his favorite restaurants by doing curbside pickup. And I think he takes time to visit as he gets his food (he has mentioned talking with some of the regulars). Tonight he texted me (we text often) that he was headed to his cousin's house to visit for a while after work. Yet again, no mask or 6 foot distancing. He told me one time that a mask is uncomfortable. Oh boo freaking who. Well cancer is not comfortable either.
I feel like he is part of the COVID problem. Our area has had almost 100 cases with several deaths. I texted him that he should prevent the spread of the virus as I not only WANT but NEED to get out of the house and back to some sort of a life at some point. I have business I need to conduct-- dentist, eye doctor, scans in May. And I want to be able to go to church again or the Library for a good book.
I am tired of him and others thinking only of themselves----no masks, going about their business as usual, no social distancing, no staying at home. If it is good enough for me to stay in, it is good enough for others.
I AM SO ANGRY I COULD SMACK HIM RIGHT NOW, IF HE WAS NEAR ME.
Breathe-----
Now, Mae-- Bless you for getting enjoyment from that philly roll. Hugs from here, my friend. And you enjoy that roll !!!!
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Mae, so glad to hear you are enjoying your philly roll. I can see how tiny bites of food would be helpful and not too taxing as well. Enjoy.
I had purchased nachos last night from delivery service. Never tried another place, usually just ordered burgers. For the same price I got a pretty healthy portion of nachos topped with onions, black beans, ancho pork, peppers and of course cheese. Also came with sour cream. It was delicious so I decided to try nachos in my little breville oven. My ingredients were more limited. I added nacho shredded cheese on top of the tortilla chips, precooked black beans and spinach.Seasoned the top with my mix of taco, onion and garlic powder seasoning and salt. Once cheese was melted, served myself with queso. It was so delicious. I loved it a lot. I talk to a friend daily on the phone and had told her I would try making something like that and I called her after to let her know it was good. I am not a cook by any stretch and though nachos are an easy dish, I had never tried to make them before. I get excited when I do something new.
Other than that, really did not do much today which was OK. Listened to more of my book, binge watched The Capture from prime video. Very twisty and turny plot. Interesting show overall. Felt a bit tired from infusion yesterday which is not unusual.
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Candy~ I’m With you! See it everyday. It is frustrating as hell!
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Mara~You’re making me hungry lol. You go girl.
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Mel, that quote is so very true.
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just lost a huge post. Grrrrrrr drat!
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I shared some words about dear Gumdoctor on the liver mets thread, but would like to remember her here as well. She was such a bright spot here on BCO; compassionate, caring, lover of beauty, making the best of a terrible situation. She will not be forgotten.
Illimae, I think adding these little bites now is going to be really important. I bet your body has to work on remembering how to eat. It is actually good news that the therapist expects recovery to take a little longer because it means she thinks you can look forward to improvement.
Mary Jane, it is an Austin English rose called Wisley 2008.
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Spent the afternoon trying to get my mail order pharmacy and my MO’s office on the same page so I can renew 2 prescriptions. It shouldn’t take hours on the phone to accomplish this task. 5 pm came and went without resolution. Guess who will be on the phone tomorrow morning.
Managing MBC can be a full time job.
I have 5 days to get the Ibrance script worked out before it causes a delay of my next cycle.
Sigh
On a happier note, so glad to read Illimae’s post about eating. Woot woot!!
Candy- I feel your frustration, too. New cases and new deaths in my county are rising like it’s an outbreak. Yesterday’s cases were all young people. Why aren’t people staying home?
Mara- I so enjoy your description of your days. It’s just so uplifting and joyous. Bet your nachos end up in your regular meal rotation.
Micmel— your drink glass is pretty. What will you fill it with?
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Candy, I agree! Boo-freaking-hoo. I am dismayed by people whom I believe are smart and compassionate but who feel it is perfectly ok to break the rules when the rules are inconvenient. I’m not even talking about people who are worried about paying their rent or food bill. Like my friend who decided to have a visitor over, and who complained about a narrow hiking trail being closed as if the govt was imposing unreasonable restrictions. Why can’t these people understand that we are all connected? Our grandparents sacrificed for the common good even to the point of going to war, and you can’t even comply with covid requirements for a few months? Not even to protect your friend who has cancer?
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Round 3 of insomnia sucks plain and simple. My drag ass hours are 200 To 500, hate them. Zombie 🧟♀️.
Dodgersgirl ~I will pack the cup with ice water several times a day. I only Really drink water. For some REason it's the only thing that quenches my thirst. But alas. Many o bathroom trip!! I can't sleep again tonight. So much just to get through another day. Inside. Stuck. I am starting tO hear my marbles drop. Who Knows when I can hug my daughter again.My dad will have passed one year May 11th so I'm trying to prepare my sadness ahead of time. Can't honor him really She has his Ashes. 💔people suck.
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and we have shetland late and candy and Dodgersgirl. Maybe it's something in the air!!
People are selfish plain and simple. These people don't understand sacrifice. They have had everything handed to them. ( Guilty) wanted my kids to have better than I did but, they have never seen a war. Or anything close. THis may be the closest thing.
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Gum Doctor~
Go be free. Yes you will be always remembered! Fly freewithout cancer. 0 -
Ugh....yup...I’ve done the sudden waking up, or not sleepy, or unsettled....sending hugs from the west coast to all you insomniacs. Tonight I’m making sourdough bread and sourdough cinnamon buns. Waiting to tuck the dough into their warmish bowls for their overnight rise.
I use the Calm app, especially the Deep Sleep Release meditation. It’s the only thing that calms my brain so that I can sleep. Otherwise the hamster wheel is cranking all night long while I try to work through stuff.
Mel, mourning is a long process. Take the time to sit with your memories o your dad. Maybe light a candle for him. I go into a funk for about a month around the time that my mom and then my dad died. I think of each of them, of happier times. I “talk” to my mom when I’m working in the garden, even cry a bit while telling her my worries. It’s where I feel the closest to her.
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Micmel—- I am having trouble sleeping all night so I find myself getting up in the middle of the night.
Hello to you as you wrote you weren’t sleeping
I was thinking about your dad. Knew he had passed in May last year. Hugs to you as you approach that anniversary. My mom’s been gone 15 months now. It definitely leaves a hole.
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Morning all--7:30am here.
Thanks for letting me vent last night. I was just so frustrated and angry. Still frustrated. When people don't wear masks when out, it is so disrespectful. How hard is it to put on a mask. Or to not go out as much as you used to. I spend every day inside due to this virus. Wandering from room to room trying to look for something to occupy me. If I catch this virus, it could be really bad. I want people to adhere to the rules as I HAVE to and slow this virus down. If it continues to spread in our town, I will never be able to get out. Our Sherriff posted on social media that he is not going to enforce the State's restrictions. Come on. Can't people try to help their fellow man.
Another "normal" night for me---toss and turn with pain. Neck, back, elbows, hips, knees, and even heels !!! I guess the A/I med, plus the arthritis and low back issues. And, of course, the hot flashes. This is so much fun !!!!
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Hello lovelies~. Coffee in the pot and I'm Groggy. Didn't sleep as you know. Another day of guessing what to do. Saturday's are even worse. Different programming on television. I get used to my shows. I am Doing great on Xmas shopping online. That's something!!! So Wish our living room was real. (I know it’s Friday)
I've even heard it referenced my other threads as the living room lol which I find awesome. It wouldn't be anything without you ladies. My friends.
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Good morning, Mel, sorry you didn't get much sleep. That really sucks and magnifies anything that may have been bothering us. I do terrible on those days myself with randomly crying. In my case, I think it is stress vs sadness at this point.
I woke up feeling like I have the flu BUT believe it is still the crappiness I feel post infusion for a few days. There is no way I have had colds every three weeks for months on end, it is not the flu, don't even believe is allergies. I treat it like a cold and move on.
I had a really tough time convincing myself to walk on the treadmill so I did one song at a time with a minute rest break between. Keeps my body still warmed up but feels easier if not feeling the best. It also perks my mood overall up. May keep doing blocks of the walking/rest throughout the day. I will also listen to mr mercedies some more. Halfway through the audiobook. I finished the show the Capture so will look for another series to stream. I also will be watching Disney as well before I go on facebook. Don't need spoilers on the Clone Wars. Waiting for some zipties and light bulbs from amazon and then may walk outside later.
Hope every one has as decent a day as the can and a good weekend
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I was super close to my Dad my whole life. My Mom, less so... though she was a very sweet mom when I was small. I think she has some mild mental illness. She is kind of a waif, and a semi-hoarder, and just not 100% in the real world. She is very childlike. My sister and I are both take-charge types and I think that was an essential survival skill in my childhood home with a mom who did not have her shit together.
When my Dad died last month, it was heartbreaking, because he was my person and I loved him so much. He "got" me. He intuited me. He had my back. From the time I was in little, he was very attentive and funny, and he exposed us to a lot of cool stuff.
It's the height of irony-- the home I prepared to move both of them to, to be near me, now has only my Mom and his dog. (Long ago my sis and I agreed that I would take my Dad in and she would take my Mom if one parent died. But due to COVID-- me being in the same state as my mom, and my Sis in Hawaii-- I wound up with my Mom.) As my dad was dying I promised him I would care for my Mom to the best of my ability and told him not to worry about her. He was very protective of my Mom. So far she had been fine, coping well, and it is probably a healthy thing for us to get closer. When COVID ends she may want to be w my sister but we will cross that bridge later. She loves the house I found and it's only 2 miles away. I think of what I am doing for my Mom as a gift to my Dad, in a way.
On the drive home after he died, I saw a bald eagle: it flew right across my path. Strange!! My dad was bald. :-) I liked that. I found out bald eagles spend the winter at a lake about 40 mins from where I live, and then they leave that area in April to go north. My Mom, sis and I will go have a look at them and sprinkle his ashes there in a year.
When I packed the house I took a few articles of clothing... so when I feel like I need a Dad hug I can put on his sweater or his rugby shirt.
Mel I send you a hug. I'm sorry for your loss. You were there for your Dad, and that is something you can always look back on with great pride.
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Mara ~I have everyday where I wake up stuffed and flu like. Everyday. But as I wake up it gets better. I’m glad you walked. It does take effort but I believe it’s overall keeping you on your game. You know.... use it or loose it they say. I agree completely. I would not be doing half as good if I wasn’t in the shape I was in before cancer. Very strong muscular. Younger side of diagnosis I feel it now I should be the one walking also. I know if I pushed it I may even get back to light elyptical useage. But they are expensive. But anyhoo you go girl! .
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Santa,
I don't know how I missed that your dad passed away -- I knew that he wasn't doing well, but I had thought that he had had a turn for the better. Please know that I'm thinking of you.
I loved the bald eagle story. My dad passed away in 1998. We were very close as well. After his passing, for a few years, odd things did happen that made me think he was still watching us. My kids were little -- we were at a restaurant celebrating a birthday when I looked over at a booth and there sat someone who looked a lot like him. A few minutes later, he was gone. Then, when we would go to visit my parents' house, we would sleep in one of the bedrooms and on occasion, in the middle of the night, lights would come on and go off (I know, this is very "woo woo"). We got in the habit of saying -- okay, Dad, we know you're around. As he was in his last days, a certain song was popular. To this day, when I hear it I feel he's checking in on me just to make sure I'm okay. Anyway, I guess what I'm saying is that I feel that we are still connected in some weird way. I hope that for you, too, as well as for Mel.
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Thank you BevJen. I like the visiting thought too.
When my Grandmother was dying she SWORE "if there is any way for me to get back and ghost you" she would do it. The day after she died a hummingbird came to my kitchen window and sang its little guts out for 20 mins. It only took me 10 mins to realize: hey, maybe this is her!
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Santa,
What a beautiful story and tribute to your Dad. I cannot think of a more special way to honor him than you did with what you wrote.
Losing a parent(s) is hard, especially when they were your “person”. I lost my Dad in 2002. He sure left us in his own way—sitting on the couch eating a candy bar. He had a sweet tooth, and would have to have something sweet after dinner. His heart just stopped, and he went very suddenly. But what a way to go!
He was the hardest working man I ever knew. Worked seven days a week to provide for us five kids and Mom. Will never forget his sense of humor and overall wonderful personality. Especially remember him sledding with us in the winter. And he loved Christmas. Would go to great lengths to fool us into believing in Santa Claus. Would decorate the tree on Christmas Eve after we went to bed.
Anyway, it’s so nice to remember them, and hope that it is not too painful for you, Mel. I’ll be praying for comfort and good memories in the coming days.
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Mel and everyone else who is hurting from losing their dads, I am sorry and send my condolences. I am sending virtual hugs from here.
Mel, you are right, though I took advil and a tylenol, I do feel better than this morning. Waiting for the sun to come out later today and will decide where to walk. Delivery is not here and I prefer to wait at home.
Speaking of our Dads, my father died of colon cancer back in December 1990. At the time, I was 19 and working at a grocery store. The night he died, I started seeing flashing lights until finally the boss sent me to the hospital. At 6pm that evening, the flashing lights stopped and became one solid light. That was the same time my father died. That is the most supernatural thing I remember experiencing. Turned out to be a migraine which I normally do not have, and it was sad going home because my mother was sitting there with lips held together. She only did that when angry or sad. I said, no not dad and she had to pull over so I could hug her. Really did not process it being so young when it happened. He was a good man we saw every Sunday. Had some mental illness so my mom left and he lived with his parents. Best for everyone and I enjoyed our time. I still think of him on his birthday (May 12) and of course the day he died, but I simply tell him I love him and it passes. I have started doing that for Mom as well. There are times I just kiss her picture and say good morning. Makes me feel good.
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Santa~I also extremely sorry for your loss. Geeze last month. My goodness Words escape me. I'm struggling with a year. I can hear his laugh see his smile and sparkle in his blue eyes. I want to go back and take care of him like I was doing this time last year. But covid would have made his death terrible for Him, he didn't want to go alone That was certain. But then again If you're aware and he was. He knows what he wanted. He waited for all to gather one last day. He said his goodbyes. And died the next morning when my step mother came one last time. She stepped out to let them change him. That quick, before the nurse came in he passed. My DD myself, and my Step mother, sat with him until it was obvious it was time to leave. My handsome daddy died that day. My first loss of a parent. When I was a kid we were close. There were times in life we didn't talk. But In the end, he needed me. I stepped up when I didn't have to. Especially with step mother involved running her mouth non stop. It's been a rough time of it . I know he's playing golf in the sky!! Thanks for caring everyone.
Dodgers ty for remembering! It means a lot .each day I know it will come Closer. My dad made sure to be careful when he passed I believe. My Step mothers birthday is May 4th, Mother's Day May 10 or thereof. My birthday May 25th. He passed May 11. Right in the middle to the closest people in his life and at the end of his life especially. Snuggled in between all 3 things He's always loved his mother sooooo much. Just weird how things end up .all his favorite women in his lifetime
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Mel, I will admit the Mother's Day thing will still feel strange to me. So used to finding exactly what Mom wanted and having supper at my brother's house, usually steak with bluecheese, bruschetta and grasshopper pie. Obviously, that did not happen last year and won't this year. I am not so much sad as I try not to be sad from losing her, just feels weird is all. My mom told me she did not want me to spend her birthday or holidays like Mother's day being sad. She didn't feel like thinking of her like that would be good for me. She worried about me right up to the end. I try to honor that now, give her a Mom I love you and kiss her picture. Makes me feel happy and know she would approve of that. There are things I cannot do though unless I really want to be sad. I cannot watch her birthday video she is in and I cannot read her text messages to me. I have her phone and will not delete everything as it makes me feel closer to her but I don't read the text messages. I just feel comfort in her being nearby.
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Somebody help me find the strength to not read Facebook comments. I used to like to read them to see other people's viewpoints about things. Now there's just so many mean-spirited people that it makes me upset every time I read them. I'm sad enough already. I do, however, like to see people's positive posts and pictures. So I hate to avoid Facebook all together.
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Dutchiris, I empathize with what you are saying. I have largely been able to avoid upset knowing there is a Karen or troll in every group. Even a non toxic star wars group I belong to was insulting. Since I don't have time for all that, I largely ignore them. Occasionally, if feeling feisty, I put a comical gif picture to make fun of them but don't take anyone seriously. Block is also a wonderful thing as well as unfollowing the group or person causing trouble. Don't give these people power, take steps to help yourself. The only things that matter are you, your family and friends. Do not allow the idiots to stop you from reading viewpoints either. It helps us learn a lot of things, just scroll through what the jackass is saying. Not all people are like this and a lot of posters really have nothing better to do. Easy to be brave behind a keyboard, harder to do not to let it bother you. Just takes practice and sometimes a break from social media.
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I know, Mara. My oncologist put me on restrictions regarding work so I haven't worked since March 23rd. I worked a lot. Now I have a lot of time on my hands. I wonder if I'll ever be able to return to work. I see the reality in those social media comments if I ever venture to leave the my home which is rare. People who can't be inconvenienced by wearing a mask or keeping their distance. I feel when things open up it'll be even worse in that regard. I'm just sad so many care so little.
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