My Husband, My Life, My Love, My Family, My Cancer
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Mel, that’s great for your son, but I understand what it means for him to leave. It will take some time to get used to the quiet. I only have one child, so I just had to deal with the feelings once
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Micmel, I know you’re conflicted but I honestly feel that independence is such a great boost for confidence, he will do great and your DH will relax, both are very good things. Maybe you can set up a Sunday family dinner or something for the future.
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About the way my life is going lately, am walking my treadmill about 10 mins at a time to get to 60. Not sure if going out, still dark. Have a good day.
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Well, we’re back from our Disney trip and boy oh boy have things changed. I just gotta say that Disney is not the same. You’d be surprised at just how much it's changed. No more Disney people greeting you with big smiles and treating you like royalty—some were downright rude. We went to Animal Kingdom the first day and only got on one ride, the Everest roller coaster…and that was it. Lines were too long. I thought they were limiting the number of entries? Guess not because it was very, very crowded.
The real kicker is now they charge you extra PER RIDE if you want to skip the long lines. It’s been renamed “Lightning Lane” instead of FastPass. This is after spending ALOT OF MONEY already to get into each park.
I am really sorry to complain. I know I should be full of gratitude for being able to even go to Disney. But it’s very obvious that Covid has taken it’s toll on them too. Probably the most disappointing was the lack of Christmas decorations or even some holiday cheer. It was probably there, somewhere.
I had to admit that part of what we were experiencing was due to us being old farts. And of course, having MBC fatigue was also a factor. We discovered we’d rather take a nap than hang out at Hollywood Studios!!!
One thing that went extremely well was the electric cart I rented from Scooterbug. Wonderful experience. It folded down and we were able to fit it in the back of our SUV. I rode everywhere on that thing. I highly recommend it for all day outings if you are worried about keeping up with family or friends.
Anyhoo, we are home now and in recovery mode…lots of laundry to do…loving my dogs, and grateful for my own Christmas surroundings.
I’ve been trying to keep up with all of you along the way, and I did ok. I love that no matter where I am (Disney, sister’s house, etc.), I always have you guys with me. That thought warmsmy heart.
Love to all,
Boo
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Mae- Love the snow pics. I am a winter person.
Tanya- Sorry you are down with a cold.
Mel- Hoping your son finds his own way. I do not have children so I cannot chime in about grown kids.
Booboo- I have never been to Disney. No real desire to go ever. But definitely cannot now with MBC. Too fatigued.
Mara- Why are you deleting your posts? I care about what you have to say.
Well I just did my 30 minute exercise video. Trying to do it 4 times a week-- pending schedule of other things and how I am feeling. I also called an old friend from church this morning. Have not talked to her in over a year. Our conversation was hesitant at first, but we talked for 45 minutes. I finished the call that we should call each other more often. She commented that she told someone else the other day that she should call "Candy" (me) but she was afraid she would cry. ???? !!!!! About my cancer?? I don't know what she meant. I hate that people think of me in that way.
Sometime I may join you all in the Zoom meet-ups.
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Candy, so good that you’re doing exercise. I walk about a mile per day but that’s about it. I used to be at the gym three to four times a week until I was sick at first and just never went back.
I’d love if you join us in the Zoom. Just know they aren’t having a meeting next Monday and Wednesday because of the holiday.
I’m glad you had good conversation with your friend. It’s like she was sending a signal when she thought about you. If I haven’t spoken to my sister in a few days, one of us will write or call, and the other will say, I was just getting ready to call you. Lol
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Dear Tanya,
I hope you are feeling better. I hate it when those around you are clueless. I hope nothing more becomes of it (No Covid).
Thinking of you.
Boo
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I had a quiet post chemo weekend. On Friday I had immunotherapy and a ct scan. (Wont get results for ages I don't think). My port was acting up and the immunotherapy place can't do alteplase treatment so we had to do a regular iv. Then my ct scan was switched from 1330 to 1800 because they had a machine down and had to reschedule people....it was a looooong day. I rested all this weekend.
I'm actually sitting in the cancer clinic now, waiting to see if they can get the port working.
We still don't have our tree up. Was going to do it today but this port appointment is gonna take forever and wear me out. I'm still tired post chemo.
I'm frustrated covid is coming back again... but trying to keep things in perspective.
It's been cold and frosty here... we had snow a couple days ago but it's all gone at our house. Forecast says we might get more.
Haven't wrapped any presents, haven't figured out our xmas groceries yet either. Oh well, it will all happen somehow.
Hugs everyone
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Well ladies I had a mini break down today. Today at work I read an article about reinstalling military physical fitness testing early next year. While I’ve always known it was going to restart soon I just didn’t think about it concretely. So that got me worried because I haven’t been working out as much as usual because I’ve been more nauseous than usual. So I decided to go workout at OrangeTheory Fitness today (I’ve been going regularly for 4 years). I only made it 30 minutes in and had to stop. I could barely keep up, did fine walking on the treadmill but the rower was too much for me. So I had to leave. And I finally told the front desk ladies that I have stage iv cancer so they know why I’ve been leaving early. And then I just sat in my car sobbing. It just really hit me how different I am now and how sad that is. It’s just depressing
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Katyblu! No! No! Wrong way to frame this! Here you are, dealing with cancer and you could have stayed at home feeling defeated. But you didn't! You went to the gym! With people struggling with much less than you. You got in there and gave it the old college try! And you made it 30 minutes! But that takes balls and brawn and maybe you should tell yourself, well there old girl not bad. Not bad at all. Tomorrow go for 32 minutes. Next time, 34 minutes. Baby steps. And reward yourself and praise yourself like you would anyone else who is trying. You would encourage others so encourage yourself too! Make small goals and when you attain them, feel that it is a job well done. You deserve to treat yourself at least as kindly as you would treat anyone else struggling. I think we forget that.
Micmel, I get the baby leaving the nest. On one hand you think, about time! On the other hand you think, oh no! But moving from home into shared house with a bunch of other guys? Micmel, get a bowl of popcorn, put your feet up and settle in for some entertainment as Life Lessons sink in - without you being there to lecture, nag and remind. This oughtta be good. I remember the time after mine had just moved out she phoned from her bathroom, howling, that she should have paid more attention when I told her to replace the toilet roll before it ran completely out and always have toilet paper within reach of the toilet! No, I did NOT drive to her house to deliver toilet tissue, as she was hoping. Live and learn, kid.
Tanya, did you say a guy was blowing his nose into a towel tossed over his shoulder? Ewww! I can't deal with people who whip out hankies and blow their nose at the table during a meal. Blah! Meal over for me! Snot and food do not mix! Now I'm completely grossed out.
In the pocket for all who need it.0 -
katyblu- I’m so sorry you had a bad day! I too get really depressed when I start to feel “different” from everybody. Mostly I notice at work so I try to use it to my advantage. Big deadline? I’ll need you to be done with “x” by tomorrow b/c I don’t function under pressure. Or gotta go work from home because I’m tired / need a toilet. TMI? Then don’t ask why I’m leaving. Still, it hits me sometimes and I too break down and cry.
Moth- you sound like me, no presents ready, no groceries ordered. Oh well. We do have the tree up though.
Booboo- sorry Disney has changed so much and not for the better. I’m sure you enjoyed what you could though!
Candy- I hear you on having old friend afraid to call because they’ll get upset. I feel like that might have been me prior to diagnosis, at least not knowing what to say, and I don’t feel good about it that at all.
Mel- I also don’t have any kids but can understand it would be hard to let them go. It will be good for him though to leave the nest, as long as he flys back often to say hello!
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Katy~hugs for you my Sweet friend . Sometimes it hits us when it hits us. I can so sympathize with the gym area. I used to go five days a week. I was a brick house of muscle. It is depressing. I know how it feels directly. I miss it so much. But at least you showed up. Way to go .
Moth~ I'm Luckily done everything except for assembling of one stocking and one present. Finally will be finished. I don't really need anything for Christmas. How is the arm ?
Knowing where my son will be living is gift enough. It makes me feel the peacefulness I was seeking. I feel elated for him. I think he's is in shock. But it's literally 5 mins away. I'm thrilled about that. I need to see my children. I love them so. I'm happy the hunt for the place is over. It was discouraging for these young kids. Starting out. So happy he's found a place.
Mara~ I hope your day was ok too your poor arm. Hope it feels less pain each day. Hugs for you.
Hello kiko hugs to you too. Nice to see you.
Tanya~ hope your cold feels better.
BooBoo ~ hello beautiful.
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Candy, sorry about all the deletions, just felt I was complaining too much about the same issues. Did not want to hijack the thread. I will stop deleting everything.
I did do some short walking today. Mel, my arm is more sore right now and probably will just have to suck it up for the near future. I don't think it qualifies for stronger drugs. I think some walking outside will help take my mind off it and wearing an elbow compression sleeve. Stretching still being done. Seeing all the bruising lets me know that it will be weeks before the pain subsides but I can live with it for now.
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Once again ladies you’ve helped to brighten my day. Runor, thanks for the encouragement and reminder to be kind to myself. Kikomoon thanks for the reminder to sometimes use our distress to our advantage. And Mel, thanks for reminder to just show up. Sometimes it just hits hard.
Mel, I’m glad your DS has found a place and that it is close to you. And I agree with Runor, I think there’s going to be some entertainment to be had from this.
Mara and Moth - I hope your arms are doing better. Moth I hope they figured out your port.
Kikomoon glad you got the tree up!
Booboo - I’m sorry Disney was such a bust! I hope you still came away with some good times and happy memories.
Thank you all
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Oh friends - so much happens here almost over nite.
Mel - our youngest daughter, once she went to college, essentially moved to a different state and we only saw her for breaks, etc. Living on her own, she made some decisions that were not the best but we bit our tongues unless asked for advice. It’s interesting that now at 35 and a mother of 3, she will casually mention some of her choices and how she wishes she had made different decisions (i.e. the ones we would have suggested!). Life is really a lesson and each of us has our own teachers. Runor is right - sit back and watch the show!
Booboo - how frustrating about your Disney experience. One of my few bucket list items which I’ve had forever, is to see the Christmas decorations around Disneyworld. But with the costs that have gotten out of control, I can tell you that my bucket list wish is never going to happen. Too much corporate greed there.
Mara - when I saw the Ortho last week, he told me my shoulder problem would take a very long time to heal. The pain has improved and range of motion is better. I’m supposed to start PT after the first of the year. Have you gotten the call from the Ortho yet? I would think it would be imperative to have some sort of follow up scheduled so healing could be documented by X-ray.
Katyblu - these ladies are right - think of your exercise routine as an accomplishment rather than a failure and build it minute by minute over time!
Christmas wishes to all my friends here! Even non-Christian and non-believers can take away the message of peace, hope and joy. And we all need that
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Mel - congrats to your son on finding an apartment. I agree with you that I would feel peace knowing the kids have found their way independent from mom and dad. I would like my daughter to find her way while I am still here to see her do it, and answer questions if she has any. She still has one more semester of college before she graduates. DH and I are just holding our breath and crossing our fingers that she finds a job.
Boo Boo - so glad you made it to Disney World like you planned to do. So interesting to hear your review. I guess the staff there isn't quite the same since Disney like many other companies are having trouble hiring people. But the important thing is that you were able to go and enjoy it.
Katyblu - good for you going back to the gym. Orange Theory is no joke - that is hard core fitness. I like what Runor said about making small goals, rewarding yourself, cheering yourself on.
Mara - I broke my shoulder in 2018. Fortunately, I did not need surgery, but I had about 6 weeks of PT. It was tough! Maybe PT won't be so bad on an elbow since the range of motion of an elbow is less than the range of motion of a shoulder. That's what my PT told me.
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Candy - so nice that you were able to have a long conversation with your friend. I have only told close family members and a handful of friends. It's nice to be able to have "normal" conversations with people simply because they don't know my condition. It might be awkward later on but so be it. My daughter commented the other day about how nice it is that I can joke about it, and my "good attitude". I just said thanks and didn't go into the details about how I feel compelled to be brave about it. People do avoid awkward conversations, etc so I don't want to inadvertently cut people off. I am also thankful to the ones that do know, yet pretend that everything is fine.
Over Thanksgiving, my daughter and I were busy cooking in the kitchen with the radio on. An ad came on the radio about a "chronic condition". I said, "oh! speaking of chronic condition..." and I hurried to go take my CBD oil because I had forgotten. We just laughed and laughed.
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To All: The days get longer from here on. And may your days be brighter.
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GoKale,
You’ve brought up an interesting topic—to tell or not to tell. I find the longer I live with MBC, the less I want to discuss it. What is there to say? I have always put a happy face on everything…it’s my nature. I am an eternal optimist. However, I find that I get annoyed when someone (a family member or friend) tries to tell me what to eat, drink, etc., or anything related to my cancer. Most people mean well, but the less people that know about my condition, the better off I feel. Just a thought…
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Friends,
I feel bad about any whining I did regarding Disney. I am privileged to be able to even go, and I am trying to be more aware of things like that. I did have a very nice time….had a lot of fun riding around on that cart! I do believe that Disney is struggling like the rest of the world to fill positions and to try to find a new normal.
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BooBoo - I did not consider your honest review of Disney as complaining. The last time I went to Disney was about 15 years ago so I appreciate knowing that it has changed quite a bit. I consider your review to be a heads-up if anyone else wants to go who has the idea that it would be just like it was years ago. I am just glad you were able to go since you mentioned it a while back. Sometimes if there is something I really want to do but it doesn't turn out quite the way I had envisioned it, I am still glad I did it because if I had not, I would always think, "I wish I done it". Hope that makes sense.
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Has been a few days so reading up on the updated posts.
Mel- it is very hard to become "empty nesters " but we know we have to let them go . Yes they will probably make mistakes and wrong decisions along the way but they also know we are always there for support and encouragement.
Mara- what that lady said is just wrong!, Good God if we can't enjoy our time out at a movie with popcorn and a drink then we're all in trouble.
Mae- you do find joy every day in the small things! It is a lesson I am trying to learn because the small things are the ones that add a lighter load to the heavy pressures we carry with MBC.
Boo- I am so glad you made it to Disney. Not even a Christmas decoration? What happened to the happiest place on earth? I have been a couple of times. Once with Dd and once with SS. My son was in love with Goofy but he would run up and hug all the characters. What a different world we now live in.
Katyblu- hey you had the courage to get to the gym and work your hardest. You might not be able to do what you use to do at this point but you are exercising so good for you!
Moth- I am sure you will get everything done for Christmas!
I have almost everything done for Christmas. Some groceries to pick up and waiting for 2 small gifts to arrive from Amazon. It will be a very quiet Christmas with just my dh and son.
Right now it might be a green Christmas here although they are calling for snow Thursday . I will send it to Texas, California and Australia!
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I forgot to send out a big hello and thoughts to everyone.
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Katyblu - Will you get any kind of break on the PT test (sorry, it probably has a new acronym now)? Do you know what they'll do if you aren't able to pass it now? I hope this isn't a worry for you.
Mel - I reread your original post to this thread. I feel like your words could be mine. It's so emotional. I also feel for you with your last leaving home. Our home was empty for the first time last year when our youngest went off to college. It's quite an adjustment but hopefully a positive one for you.
My daughter is back home again and although I'm happy to have her around, I'm sad that it's because of my health that she wants to stay close.
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Hi everyone, I've been reading along with you all, it's hard to keep up, Mel, I'm glad ds has found a place, and nice and close as well, Mara you totally deserve to go and enjoy a movie the way you want, Boo, I'm glad you got to go to Disney, sorry it wasn't as enjoyable as it could have been.
I'm all ready for Xmas although it's going to be a scorcher, over 100 on Xmas day, luckily my dd has air-conditioning. Someone hir my car in the parking lot today, luckily I was in it or she would have just walked away, I got out and knocked on her window and she said she didn't realise she'd hit it, anyway, luckily it's still drivable and she's going to pay to fix it. Apart from that it's been quiet down here. I've been thinking about all of you, take care all.
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I too am catching up on this thread. The last few days have been a whirlwind getting things ready for Christmas. I braved the grocery store yesterday and couldn't believe how exhausted I felt when I finally got home.
Mel, I am so happy for your son's newfound independence but I understand your conflict. It's not always easy to watch your baby take flight.
Booboo, I haven't been to Disney in years and years. It sounds like there have been a lot of changes since then, and not necessarily for the good. I'm surprised they haven't embraced the Christmas decorations this year. That just seems so odd!
Candy, don't take it personally when someone doesn't reach out. I think some people are afraid that they'll "upset" us or they just don't know what to say so instead of reaching out, they pull away. NA society does it's best to ignore death and disease so when it happens to someone you know, it's a foreign concept. Human nature (at least for many) is to side step or ignore things that are uncomfortable. It's a coping mechanism.
Moth, I hope they were able to sort out your port. Covid sure has chosen a great time to pick up again…not! I've learned over the years that Christmas will be wonderful whether things get checked off of your list or not. Christmas is about family and no family is perfect so why should the prep and planning be?
Katyblu, you are strong. As Runor said, work up to your fitness goals. Think of it as a marathon, not a sprint.
For me, today is a haircut and tomorrow is lab work to see if my blood glucose level is behaving on this new drug. I feel good so let’s hope that’s an indication that all is well.
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Kris - I’m trying to not draw attention to myself in the PCM realm. I want to hold off getting a profile or anything for awhile because I’m pretty sure it’ll trigger a medical board which will find me not fit for duty and put me out. If I can make it until May 22 then I’ll be at 18 years and I should at least get a medical retirement if that happens. So just worrying for now….
Kitty - I’m so sorry some lady hit your car! I’m glad you’re okay though
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Laurie, I am sorry Disney was a bust, very expensive place to go as well. You are allowed to complain about a trip that was not up to expectations, does not matter the cost.
Candy, I am sorry people are not reaching out, I agree with the above opinion that society does not make talking to cancer patients comfortable.
Feeling better mentally today. Just stuck around t he house doing surveys. Will be walking around tonight as older brother wants to go grocery shopping so that will be fine. Arm coming along, i think once the bruises around my elbow heal up, it will feel back to normal as well. Face still looks yellow on one side but coming along, liquid bandage over the area that was scabbed over and fell off.
Love to everyone else.
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Kitty, oh no! If I remember you had a new car with such a cool, pretty color. I hope the damage isn’t too bad and repairs go quickly.
We're heading back to Houston tomorrow for the next two weeks (anniversary, Xmas, scans), then around 1/5, we'll return with our travel trailer to begin clearing out in prep for installing insulation. I'll have an appointment with my west Texas localish MO, my infusion about a week later, then we figure out the immediate next steps. I've dismantled out temporary kitchen, so it's time to relax.
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Mae- how long does it take you to get up to your cabin as I know Texas is a huge state?
Katyblu- here's hoping for May 22nd! Do you not get a military pension after so long?
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