My Husband, My Life, My Love, My Family, My Cancer
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Elderberry- Hated to hear about your fall. Glad you were not hurt worse than you were.
So sad to hear about prairiesea. Another one of us gone. So many since I have been on here. So sad.
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candy-678: as they say "Shit happens" and I was lucky to get away with minor boo-boos. I guess my bones are not so bad.
Yes - we seem to have lost so many of us in such a short period of time. It is sad. It is sobering. It is frightening.
I want to wish you all a Happy Mid-Summer even if it doesn't feel like that here at all. I failed to get up early to wash my face in the morning dew and so I continue to wrinkle like prune. Neither did I arise to dance up the dawn. I was wrapped up in my duvet.
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Many pages have rolled by since I last posted (and deleted). I apologize that I am not up to speed on all things. Story of my life!
My deleted post, in short, said that my 29 year old daughter has decided to tie her tubes because she does not want kids. I came a little unhinged at this. NOT because I think people need to have kids to be complete and NOT because I think she owes me Grandkids. But because I think SO MUCH can change in the next 10 years that I would hate to see her make permanent decisions that she might regret. There are ways to not have kids if you don't want them. I just wanted her to put this surgery off for at least another 6 years. She is NOT making this decision from a mentally sound place. She is unhappy with her life, unhappy with her current partner (and they come and go with predictable regularity) feeling old as she is about to turn 30 (oh my god, watching 55 disappear in the rear view mirror, now that is feeling old!) and I think this decision is a reaction to her current mental / emotional state, NOT a calm, rational, well considered decision. At any rate, I took the post down because ... who needs to hear this shit?
But this news that I would not have a Gbaby seemed to trigger a not too buried desire to Throw Shit Out, and it started a cascade of events that turned into 3 full days of cleaning, dunging out and re-arranging the basement. I went through photo albums, journals, folders of kid art, greeting cards, wedding albums, funeral remembrances and I threw things in the furnace. Boxes of slides and home movies from my childhood, the machinery to look at these things not given to me when these memories were given into my care and keep. Out they went. Oh, the fire and smoke! I dug in closets and shelves and heaved and chucked and burned and thrift piled. I swept cobwebs, washed walls, washed widows, vacuumed corners, dusted everything. And since our basement is where we have our massive wood burning furnace and stack 3 cords of firewood every year, it is a dusty, cobwebby, dirty shithole of a place. I moved desks, beds, trunks, tables, wardrobes. I tossed out ski goggles, kid helmets, ski pants that no one wears, mittens and wool socks without partners, work boots with holes worn in them (Hub keeps these for god knows what reason). When I finally came up for breath 3 days later, the place looks fantastic! The feng shui is on point. I feel unburdened, like a shed a skin that was too small for me. I looked through all memorabilia that was taking up space and I remembered all those moments. I felt the love for little me as my mom glued all my report cards and goofy artwork into albums. I remembered wedding, births. birthdays, deaths and all the cards sent to us from people who cared. I let the pain or joy sink into my bones. Then I threw it in the fire.
I pulled out the delicate baby clothes I kept from Daughter's own childhood, the favorites, the quilts I have made for her eventual children, the precious books she loved as a little girl, the vintage baby clothes I saved that I wore myself as a baby. I spread these all out. I looked at them a long time. They now have no home. No use. No future. The fire in the furnace snapped and the hot metal of the duct creaked as saved years of stuff burned. She is having her tubes tied. There will be no one to love these things that I have loved. And since I was in throwing out mode, burning things that others had loved .... I gathered up all these precious items that I had hoped to pass on to a Grandchild and I put them back in the closet. Those tubes aren't tied yet. Not yet.
Today I have weeding, mowing, weed whacking, chicken chores and outside work that has been neglected for 3 days while I went berserk inside. Have to dig up and transplant blackberries that I had torn out by the roots. Apparently not. They are coming back! Will do all this with an eye peeled on the forest as we have a bear around who is NOT the least afraid of people and he was tossing the garbage trunk around this morning. It's one of those old, metal Sears trunks, everyone had one in the 60s and 70s. It's heavy, more so when filled with garbage. Bear was tossing it around like it weighed nothing! Hub and I managed to chase him off a ways and it took both of us to lug it out of the bush and we locked it in the sea can. Hub was reluctant to let me in his sea can / storage / work area. He is afraid I will start throwing out his precious stack of pointlessly kept shit. He's right. I'm on a roll.
Mae, Mel, EMAC, 50sgirls - I appreciate all your words and agree with all of you. Kids are not for everyone. Ask me how I know. KBL, I hope your mood is taking an upswing, and you too Mel. Breaks my heart to hear the sorrow and the heavy weight of reality and the mourning that comes with it. Might I suggest finding an annoying piece of junk, set it in a metal bucket outside and light it on fire? I truly beleive my inner pyromaniac has saved my sanity more than once. Love and hugs to all, I ride with you to all the lousy appointments and moments when cancer clouds our life. Hugs.0 -
Good afternoon ladies,
Prairiesea was Dr. Kathryn Oberdeck a college professor from Illinois. If you google her name there is quite an obituary. She was very accomplished and seemed like a beautiful soul. she will be missed. As with everyone it's hard to lose our sisters. Condolences to her family, friends and students.
Elderberry sorry about that fall. so nice that you were attended to by your community. It's best you went to ER because you would've worried all night.
Mae I hope your treatment went OK. Looking forward to hearing from you.
Booboo I hope you're enjoying some coolness and peaceful days. When are the puppies coming for their visit?
Waving hello to everyone.
Tanya
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Well, it was not even that hot and had a UV umbrella as well as a neck fan on high speed. Made it 2/3 of the way to the grocery store when it occurred to me I would not make it. I turned right around and struggled home. Just too hot even with all the water, fan and shade from the UV umbrella. Just walked home as fast as was safe and when I hit my street, mind just kept saying over and over "please don't pass out" because I really thought I could pass out. Now I will have to wait until I can get the bus and definitely take bus or UBER to the hospital. Just too hot for me to handle when I feel like passing out that short distance, only 37 minutes. Thank goodness I listened to my body for once. Indoor walking only, bus or UBER. It was not even all that hot when I went out. I envy other people who look cool, I look like a damn lobster, bright red face. Don't know how floridians or people in the southern US survive this weather all the time.
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Decided to get groceries delivered, pricier but better than trying to get all at once. At least Wal-Mart has decent prices. Got some treats as well. SIL felt it was too hot to go shopping tonight which I do not blame them so figured would get most of what I need and we will see about Thursday.
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Thank you to all who shared how you have navigated into retirement. I am, for the moment, putting those thoughts on hold. I guess I'm too stubborn for my own good. I have decided to shadow in a desk job that may offer me a flexible schedule and that is a possibility. As I don't have my home paid for and I am still reasonably stable I just can't justify giving it all up right now. I am just setting the groundwork for later and I appreciate insight from those who have navigated this before.
Runor - I love your posts, they are so well written. I wish I had half the energy you do. I got one fence line of weeds pulled and roses deadheaded. I can share your sentiments for the cathartic thearapy of clearing out. I do that too.
I was sorry to hear of PrarieSea's passing also. I didn't know her well but remember her posting on several common threads.
I am going through a weird week of fatigue. I'm finding it harder to get through the day to day stuff. I just seem to leak energy with every little thing and have to stop and rest. I have an MRI on Thursday of my lumbar and sacral spine just to follow up on the pain I have been having there. Not sure the two are related necessarily. I think this is just living with MBC, it's predictably unpredictable.
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Emac, I am similar when it comes to chores. It does not even mean heavy duty chores. I was breaking down boxes to take out to garbage. I had to sit between boxes. My housework is a little at a time. Gets done but sometimes, just pick a job to do per day, never do housework in one day, little bit every day. After I got home today, went to my bedroom and promptly fell asleep after just under 40 mins of walking that was attempted today.
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Condolences to Prairiesea's family and friends. Another one lost to this cancer is one too many.
Runor- well said! Memories are within us, not only by the physical things we hold onto. Now if I could get my own closets cleaned out.
Emac- in your pocket for MRI
Mara- didn't you have trouble the last time you went out in the heat? Please be careful.
Elderberry- no I didn't mean Hastings and Main! When there I stuck to the tourist areas.
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Tanya - thank you for providing her name - what a fulfilled life she led. And actually, although I read of her passing this morning I couldn't put my finger on why I was feeling so off by the afternoon. Its always hard when one of us passes on, but I think how fast she went, from de novo to lepto to gone is a reminder of how tenuously we all dance with this disease. It was not chronic for her, it was a deadly killer in the night.
Not much new here, I seem to have (finally!) settled on a good daily routine that balances getting work done with pursuing personal interests and physical needs for exercise. Been doing more bodyweight stuff daily and my aches and pains and the tendonitis issues are resolving quickly. Getting the heart rate up also seems to be sorting out the Lynparza nausea and fatigue too. A walk at noon and then more substantial exercise at 430 or 5 for a half hour and Im good until about 10. Scared this balance will be ripped away again!
Hello to all - and I hope everyone is enjoying summer weather wherever they may be!
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I'm convinced I miss everything with this new format. I really hate it.
Runor. Hello sweet friend. I'm doing a lot better. I'm painting a lot and realizing I need to be happier. I went to the doctors. toGo get Xgeva. Well the nurses. Infusion center angels. All swarmed me and gave me nothing but love and hugs and compliments on how long my hair is now. How good I looked and how well everything in my file looked. They made me feel so good. That I am doing well 6 and half years into this. I get tired for sure. But I love my family. My sweet daughter who has come around to become a thoughtful loving beautiful woman. Who shows me her feelings and tells me All the time how she feels about me and our relationship. My sweet teddy bear Of a son who I love just seeing his smile and his blue beautiful eyes. He's so funny. My sweet, smart step son who I love like one of my own. Who I laugh with and have watched him grow since he was three and a half. My loving DH who I couldn't bear to be without. He's my soul and heart. That circle of people bring me meaning. I am thankful for the love. I am thankful for you ladies. That are walking the same plank with me. I'm learning to cope. Good days bad days. It all. Comes along with it. But fighting this cellular asshole, is what we do.0 -
Runor, I’m so glad you came back and posted. Your words are amazing, and I can almost feel some weight lifted off your shoulders after the three days in the basement. I am thinking of you and your daughter and hope she can really think hard on her decision. I am sending you a gentle hug and hoping things work out for her. All we want for our children is happiness.
Mara, I’m glad you turned around.
Mel, I’m thinking of you. I am loving your paint by numbers.
Mae, I loved yours too.
Waving hi to everyone.
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Mel, darling you sound so tired. Rest. Be well enjoy the love you children bestow on you.
Runor… right on fucking point as always, love the furnace. Wish I had one.
Back to lurking I go. Can't seem to get the GP on the phone. Says I'mbooked for a us but no one has passed on the date and time. That's kinda important. Grrrr
Mara, take it easy, it's hot as blazes out there,Xoxoxo to al
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Runor, I applaud your determination when you cleared out your basement. Why do we keep stuff we no longer use, need or look at? I am going through family photos at the moment, but am looking at every single one before I finally make a decision if it goes or stays; it's taking weeks so far!
I hope everyone can enjoy the warmer weather, but take care, particularly you mara.
Hugs to anybody who needs one, I certainly do.
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Thank you Denny. I am taking the bus today, not walking there. The walk to the bus stop is maybe 5 mins so I will get to cool down plus I am going to roll up my leggings (don't own shorts) so my legs will not be fully covered. I will still wear the neck fan but not bother with the umbrella. PIA to carry and did not do much yesterday, maybe just find some of my fabric caps since baseball caps look dumb and hate those really big hats. We will see. Thankfully, the Herceptin is this morning so I can wait inside the cancer clinic until the bus comes to the stop out front. Tomorrow is supposed to improve in temps so we will see about walking then.
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Illimae — thought about you as I enjoy a couple of pieces of See’s Chocolates. So smooth and tasty.
Hope you are doing well
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Good morning, everyone! I love this living room. I love that we can come and say how we're feeling, whether it be great, awful, or just plain pissy! (Dear Spell Check, PISSY is a word, so don't try to tell me it's not!!) I love that we can rant, and no one judges us. I love that we can be sad, and no one tells us to just be happy (grrrr!)
I think I'll just sit in the corner and growl. Not at any of you, of course.
Elderberry, I hope you are continuing to recover from your fall! I took a spill several years ago over a curb than was higher than I expected. Really wrenched my neck. I was stiff for months. A neighbor said I reminder her of Ed Sullivan! We got a laugh out of that one.
Runor, wow, just wow! What a sh!tload of stuff to be going through. Three days of purging must have been mentally and physically exhausting! Then weeding, mowing, etc! Holy smokes, I'd have to sleep for at least a week after that.
Tanya, thank you for the info on prariesea, AKA Dr. Kathryn Oberdeck's obituary. She was indeed a remarkable lady.
Mara, I hope your trip to get your Herceptin is uneventful today. I hope the temps drop a bit, too.
Emac, it's always good to see your name pop up. Good luck with your MRI on Thursday.
Sondra, it's nice to find a routine that works, right?
Mel, thank you for just being you. Thank you for starting this thread and thank you for opening up your living room to all of us!
Molliefish, don't you just love scheduling appointments? Do you have a patient portal when they post your appointments and tests? Can you message your GP? My MO's nurse is actually really good about responding to my messages through the patient portal. I'm probably a PITA, but so be it.
Denny, hugs (and chocolate, if you'd like.)
Dodgersgirl, my DH got some chocolate covered cocoa beans at Trader Joe's. They're pretty tasty!0 -
Sunshine, I'm going to join you with growling, please.
t's been insanely hot here (90 degrees in San Francisco), everything is super dry outside, and some idiot started shooting off fireworks last night. MY NEIGHBOR'S YARD CAUGHT ON FIRE, right next door to us! My neighbor and I both ran out there, yelling our heads off into the dark, hoping whoever did this stupid shit could hear us. Fortunately it was a small fire and it's out now, but good grief. It was a great bonding moment for me and my nice neighbor, yelling obscenities together, lol.
Not looking forward to the 4th, please nobody set my house on fire! Also, fireworks are illegal here, ha ha, like that matters.
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SFcakes, darn stupid people! There’s been a drought in California for as long as I can remember, which goes back to a grade school assembly and Ricky the raindrop.
I’m doing ok. It’s day 3 of the 2nd cycle of Enhertu and I did throw up while prepping a bagel for breakfast but I took meds am feel fine now.
Working on electrical for the beach bar today, hopefully it’ll be ready for insulation this weekend.
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I think Oregon must finally be figuring out the season. On Monday night the mountains had a freeze warning for sensitive plants with a high in the 50s. By this weekend we will be over 100 degrees. Yesterday it was set to be just under 90 so I was out in the morning before it got too hot to make sure the garden had water. By that evening I looked like a broiled tomato. The lotion I put on my arms just soaked in and disappeared! It's not as obvious on my arms this morning but my face is still red and sore. I was relying on my foundation to have adequate SPF but I think I will skip the foundation and just go with the sunscreen here on out. It's still really nice in the mornings for walking. I've had a string of days on for work and now have just over a week off so I am going to enjoy it.
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Sunshine, was fine walking the short distance to the bus. Did not get too hot at all. Taking bus home too unless the wait is long.
Only bad thing was when my chest port was being accessed, there was no blood return but he moved it around in there. I yelled out and thumped my legs. My port leans over to one side with a mole nearby so not easy for them to get all the time. Poor nurse felt awful but we got the second one in. I got to watch the ObiWanKenobi show so that was great.
I was tempted to walk home and was just going to do that but as luck would have it, I approached the bus stop and the bus was coming so did not take any chances with the heat. It will be nice tomorrow so I can do stuff then.
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runor: WOW WOW WOW. I wouldn't mind having a huge wood burning furnace. But I am so stupidly sentimental about practically everything. I would leave my survivors the task of chucking and consigning to the flames. It must have been very cathartic. I have managed to purge useless stuff but photos and such. That is so much harder. Yes, the memories in in my head and when I am gone a hand made card from a friend will mean squat to anyone else. Good for you!!
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Hello ladies~ climbing into bed, we're supposed to get some heavy rain tonight Love to sleep to the noise. I hope everyone had a decent day I've Thinking about you all. Moth. You're on my mind. BooBoo you too sweet one. You're all very special to me. Candy. Mara. Mae. ( puppies ?) sunshine….dodgers….emac…..SeeQ….Chicagoan…..Tanya…..Rosie…. Goldens, elderberry, Sondra !! one day at a time ladies that's all we can do. I'm up for Pocket duty bright and early if needed. I love our living room too. Just wish the new format:decorators listened. This format blows. !!!
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Micmel—- hope you sleep well toni
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Micmel, the pups are good, napping after some big playtime. They look kinda big here but their little feet are only as big as my thumb.
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They are so sweet Mae. Nothing better than puppies who have crashed after a good play. It means mom gets to relax!
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Mae - Aww. Sweet sleeping puppies. They are so cute.
Mel - it seems to me that you sound like you're in a better place. I hear more brightness showing through in your posts.
I finally got on my elliptical today for the first time in... forever (okay, maybe just since we moved here). I could only make myself do about 5 minutes before stopping, but I did that 4 times, so it's a start. While it wasn't exactly fun, it feels good to have started. It's too dang hot for walking outside, unless I want to have a heat stroke.
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Seeq, that's great about the elliptical. I remember trying it out when I belonged to the gym. Got two good minutes out of it.
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seeq, eliptical trainer, that's arms and legs isn't it? I am feeling fatigued just thinking about it, a brilliant start.
Mara glad to hear you were safe in the sun and heat.
I am definitely having chocolate after chemo this morning. My beloved onc team write it in their diary to remind me to get some from the treats trolley.
I am pleased, it feels a little more relaxed in the living room today. Have your best day.xx0 -
they are precious!!!!!I want to snuggle them. Thanks for the pic Mae.
Enjoy the chocolate Dennny. Yum
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