In Favor of Feminism: Share Your Views
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Love the sign and the attribution.
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This may be my favorite thing I've seen this year. I wish my Mom could have lived to see Kamala Harris as Vice-president. For years, she wanted a woman president - the first one she wanted to run that I remember her talking about was Barbara Jordan. I don't know if she had contributed to other presidential campaigns, but she frequently sent small donations to Hillary Clinton, and was thrilled with the little things they sent (which I now have 💙).
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Alice - great visual aid. Thanks for posting.
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"We weren't born distrusting and fearing ourselves. That was part of our taming. We were taught to believe that who we are in our natural state is bad and dangerous. They convinced us to be afraid of ourselves. So we do not honor our own bodies, curiosity, hunger, judgment, experience, or ambition. Instead, we lock away our true selves. Women who are best at this disappearing act earn the highest praise: She is so selfless. Can you imagine? The epitome of womanhood is to lose one's self completely. That is the end goal of every patriarchal culture. Because a very effective way to control women is to convince women to control themselves."
― Glennon Doyle, Untamed0 -
Divine,
Truth! And it perfectly explains why I put up with my marriage for 23 years
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And me for 27 years, exbrnxgirl. My sister and I have been marveling at how all of the strong, capable, outspoken women in our family (us included) have been so damned obsequious to the men in our lives. We are caretakers who manage to find controlling but dependent men.
I'm working on changing my behavior, but I think she's given up. It's a shame because she deserves better. As do I.
Trish
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We have been socialized to criticize others. I think women are so strong that they scare men who have to tear them down to feel competent.
bell hooks on self-acceptance
"One of the best guides to how to be self-loving is to give ourselves the love we are often dreaming about receiving from others. There was a time when I felt lousy about my over-forty body, saw myself as too fat, too this, or too that. Yet I fantasized about finding a lover who would give me the gift of being loved as I am. It is silly, isn't it, that I would dream of someone else offering to me the acceptance and affirmation I was withholding from myself. This was a moment when the maxim 'You can never love anybody if you are unable to love yourself' made clear sense. And I add, 'Do not expect to receive the love from someone else you do not give yourself.' "
― "All About Love: New Visions"
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Trishyla,
Wow! I thought 23 years of being put down, lied to, and verbally/emotionally was bad enough. People often ask if I’m lonely or sad to be single after being married for so long. My answer? A resounding NO! I no longer have to walk on eggshells around my narcissistic, alcoholic ex.
“We have been socialized to criticize others. I think women are so strong that they scare men who have to tear them down to feel competent.”
nkb,
Word! My ex lied about so many things so he would seem equally or more accomplished than I was. He later blamed his lying on me by claiming I would have put him down if he told the truth. A true narcissist.
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Strong, resilient women don't get much support. Here is a story from today by Monica Hesse in the WP that just might make me watch It's a wonderful life. Her take away is that Mary Bailey is the (s)hero of that story:
By Monica Hesse (WP)
"It's a Wonderful Life is the story of Mary Bailey, who twice saves her husband's floundering business, pulls him back from the brink of suicide/jail, and raises four children while successfully gut-rehabbing a historic home," observes another member of Team Mary.
"Mary Bailey is the true hero of 'It's a Wonderful Life,' " says Caleb Norris, a film buff with whom I chatted about our shared Mary devotion. "And some mopey man gets all the glory."
Mary deals with the same leaky roof and small-town limitations as her husband with one major difference: She never complains. She doesn't need an angel named Clarence to descend from heaven and inform her that she's actually led a wonderful life. She knows intuitively that wonderful lives are not made by collecting passport stamps or military honors; they are made by investing in the community around you and wallpapering the bejesus out of an old Victorian...Once you see it, you can't unsee it: The entire movie celebrates the personal sacrifices of a nice man while ignoring the identical sacrifices of a nice woman. Why? Because "It's a Wonderful Life" assumes something that society assumed in the 1940s and sometimes continues to assume to this day: A wife is supposed to sacrifice, buck up, make do, slog through. But when the husband does it, the whole town must take note."
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I love that movie but never looked at it that way. Go Mary Bailey 👏
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Ugh, even more reason not to watch that train wreck again. I rather liked the "Lost Ending", though.
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magiclight, after reading your post, I can totally see the how Mary Bailey is the true hero of “It’s a Wonderful Life.” The reason it makes sense is we often see this kind of scenario in real life where the woman is doing most of the work, doing all the right things, providing most of the support and then a man steps in and is given the credit and accolades, making the woman’s contributions all but invisible.
Nkb, I love the quote by bell hooks, may she rest in peace.
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On a very different note: From the Center for Infectious Disease research and Policy
A third of Ohio deer test positive for COVID-19 virus
The working theory based on our sequences is that humans are giving it to deer, and apparently we gave it to them several times.
My thoughts...
Who are the people who did this? Women? Men? Children?
Where did this happen? Forests? Back yards? Roadways?
Do deer know about the 6 ft. distance rule?
Who develops rules about human/deer distance during a pandemic?
?????
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I have enjoyed this thread, but I confess that I’ve gotten behind. I saw the following recently and want to share. Apologies if this has already been posted here. I didn’t go back and read all that I have missed.
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Janet, I read that piece somewhere, but appreciate your post. I'm going to be more aware of its use in news stories.
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Janet, I agree, the passive tone used is infuriating! If it should ever come up that way in conversation, I will say something like, “It's mind boggling to think there are so many men who are rapists."
The media is often labeled as liberal, but it seems to do its best to keep women in their place and reinforce social conditioning. Most media is run by entitled white men who continue with the good old boys network even as the torch gets passed to younger generations. They frame the world as they see it or as they want it to be seen. They may appear concerned by cover stories like rape but yet will do it in that passive way. It's a double edged sword.
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One thing I learned in this article is there's a difference between being nice and being kind. Very insightful.
Women Are Taught To Be Nice. Here's What Happened When I Stopped.
"I wasn't in touch with myself or my needs and, in fact, I felt guilty for having any."
01/07/202
A few years ago, if we were out together and I noticed that you had something stuck in your teeth, that little speck would spark a huge dilemma for me. I'd stare at it while considering the discomfort it would cause both of us if I told you, yet also imagine your horror at discovering it after a full day of flashing what you thought was a perfect smile.
Despite this awareness, I'd likely avoid our discomfort and let that little speck remain ― I'd choose the "nice" option.
The kind thing to do, though, would be to tell you, despite the brief moment of embarrassment it would cause you and, vicariously, me. Niceness is dishonest and avoids confrontation, whereas kindness is honest but often uncomfortable.
This scenario exemplifies what I've learned about the difference between being nice and being kind. I've spent the majority of my life being nice — a people pleaser — avoiding confrontation and the discomfort I'd feel from making those around me uncomfortable.
My moment of greatest shame around this was over a decade ago when I essentially broke up with a boyfriend of two years over text because I couldn't handle having an uncomfortable conversation with him, not that day or any day of our relationship, which would have been the kind thing to do.
I even convinced myself that this was the nice option, allowing him to receive the bad news privately without me there to witness his reaction. But in truth, I was hiding from his discomfort, and thus my own.
Avoiding his discomfort made me not only cruel but also a coward. But confrontation, outside of political or philosophical topics, was scary to me. In romantic relationships, it felt like a deep threat ― like a guaranteed ending rather than a space to reach greater understanding or to simply to accept differences. I wasn't in touch with myself or my needs and, in fact, I felt guilty for having any, especially if they would hurt someone else.
But that's not unusual for my gender. Women in particular are socialized to be nice from a very young age, encouraged to ignore our own needs and put those of others first. "Ask nicely" and "be nice," we're taught as young girls, and so we learn that our words, when expressed honestly — or simply matter-of-factly — are rude. Causing discomfort is bad, we're told, but it's OK to have to swallow our own; in fact, it's something we should come to expect.
It's quite literally a matter of safety in many cases.
In my early 20s, I did a lot of solo travel around Europe, and once, while in the French surf town of Biarritz, I was hanging out with a guy who had been my surf instructor. We were at his apartment having a bite to eat and then, while we were hanging out after, he kissed me. It was a kiss I didn't want, and within a second, I calculated how careful I needed to be in my response, knowing that I was in a vulnerable position.
Feeling powerless, I asked him very nicely if he could take me home, and I held my breath until he agreed. Although he had violated my space, I didn't feel like I could demand anything in that moment, despite my overwhelming need to; instead, it came out as a polite request. I realize how lucky I was, and how many women's stories end very differently than mine.
Much more recently, I was catcalled by two men on my way home from a run. Although I immediately came up with a viciously clever comeback, I held it back, afraid to be mean, even in response to their objectification. I was aware of the fact that I was outnumbered, and I wasn't willing to risk an unfavorable response. So I swallowed the discomfort of the moment instead, probably even with a weak smile.
These are just some of the ways that women self-police their niceness.
We've even developed a vocal rhythm to accommodate this social need, with the ends of our sentences often trailing up into what teeters on uncertainty, a tendency known as "upspeak." We phrase our answers as though they are questions, not wanting to sound overly assertive or read as aggressive. Since the male voice is still the standard that women are compared to, especially in the workplace, the collaborative and welcoming intention of upspeak gets discounted as holding less gravitas and is judged as less decisive and authoritative.
Women's tone of voice is also policed, with those who speak in too high-pitched of a tone being labelled as "shrill." This charge is thrown at women in broadcasting in particular, who use technologies that are biased towards male voices in the first place, and distort a woman's.
Women of color face the harshest tone-policing, having to fight the "angry black woman" trope both in life and in the workplace, always aware of how they are presenting in a society still ruled by white supremacy. Just as male spaces have historically been hostile to women, white spaces create a multi-layered lose-lose situation for women of color.
Women are also less likely to ask for what they want in the workplace, after having been socialized from a young age to put the needs of others first; this is in addition to the very real fear of being labeled as aggressive when they do ask. Particularly when working in typically male-dominated fields, women are quicker to be labeled as "bossy," "emotional," or "bitchy," even by other women, a sign of how internalized misogyny lingers inside many of us.
Recovering from being a "nice" person has been an ongoing examination of how much my identity has relied on the external validation of others and how deeply the need to be "nice" embedded itself.
As Harrier Braiker wrote in her book "The Disease to Please: Curing the People-Pleasing Syndrome," a people pleaser's sense of identity is based on an image of niceness, as they are "deeply attached to seeing themselves ― and to being certain that others see them ― as nice people."
During my early recovery from people-pleasing, I developed a painful amount of self-awareness. I watched myself like a hawk, examining my every interaction with the outside world. Did I go out of my way to be friendly to that barista so that they would think I'm nice? Had I hoped that the person I opened the door for would think, "Wow, what a great person she is?"
Letting go of this need for control over others' impressions of me was part of recovery, and it's something I've had to do repeatedly. I've had to deprogram the "nice" out of me, knowing that my first instinct with others might still be based on these old patterns.
When you're nice, it kind of feels like everything is your responsibility, or at least within your control — how other people feel, how good your relationships are, how people treat you. Giving up "nice" means giving in to the fact that none of these things are solely within your power because you can only ever be in control of your side of the equation.
The irony of being nice to others was that I was often unkind to myself, because the underlying message was that I needed to perform in order to gain love or approval. "Nice" is transactional, but "kind" means that you can give or receive genuinely, because you know that you're worthy.
I find myself being less disappointed now because I expect less; I'm able to genuinely give, without the expectation of a return. I keep more energy and love for myself.
Giving up "nice" has meant giving to myself first, and it's helped me rethink selfishness. I know that I have to take care of myself in order to be a good mother, for example, and that is a good thing to model for my daughter.
Giving up "nice" has also meant letting relationships end sometimes, because I've bent to a limit but now know how to stop before I break. It means being able to stop trying, because I know that a relationship doesn't rest solely on my shoulders.
I'm no longer afraid of confrontation because I'm no longer afraid to have needs, to put myself first, to stop reducing myself — and to swallow discomfort when it comes to pointing out that speck in someone's teeth, or the one in my relationship.
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Maya Angelou becomes first Black woman to appear on US quarter as Treasury begins distribution
By Sarah Fortinsky and Devan Cole, CNN
January 10, 2022
Washington (CNN)
A new US quarter featuring the late Maya Angelou went into circulation Monday, the US Mint announced, making the legendary poet and activist the first Black woman ever to appear on the coin.
The Maya Angelou quarter is the first in the American Women Quarters Program, which will include coins featuring prominent women in American history. Other quarters in the series will begin rolling out later this year and through 2025, the Mint said in a release on Monday.
"Each time we redesign our currency, we have the chance to say something about our country -- what we value, and how we've progressed as a society," Treasury Secretary Janet Yellen said in a separate statement. "I'm very proud that these coins celebrate the contributions of some of America's most remarkable women, including Maya Angelou."
Writer Maya Angelou attends the memorial celebration for Odetta at Riverside Church on February 24, 2009, in New York City.The new coin still features George Washington's visage on the "heads" side, while the "tails" side honors Angelou by evoking one of her most famous works, the autobiography "I Know Why the Caged Bird Sings."
Lawmakers cheered the release of the new coin on Monday and credited Rep. Barbara Lee, a California Democrat, with the achievement. Lee introduced the Circulating Collectible Coin Redesign Act of 2020, which passed in January 2021 and ultimately paved the way for the creation of these new coins.
The US Mint invited the public to submit names of women they view as American icons. The bureau welcomed entries of women known for their work in civil rights, science and the arts, among other areas, with an emphasis on women from "ethnically, racially and geographically diverse backgrounds." The only requirement was that the women who appear on the coins must be deceased.
The agency will issue four other quarters this year, with the others honoring Sally Ride, an astronaut who was the first American woman in space; Asian American actress Anna May Wong; Cherokee Nation leader Wilma Mankiller and suffragette and politician Nina Otero-Warren.
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Civil Rights Icon Ida B. Wells Is Commemorated With A Barbie Doll
"When kids learn about heroes like Ida B. Wells, they don't just imagine a better future -- they know they have the power to make it come true," toymaker Mattel said.
Josephine Harvey01/12/2022 01:02am EST
Famed Black journalist and activist Ida B. Wells is the latest female historical icon to be immortalized as a Barbie doll.
Mattel's Barbie brand announced that Wells was the latest addition to its Inspiring Women series, which spotlights role models who paved the way for generations of girls.
"When kids learn about heroes like Ida B. Wells, they don't just imagine a better future ― they know they have the power to make it come true," the company said.
Wells, born into slavery during the Civil War, fought racism, sexism and violence in her work as a prominent journalist who exposed injustices against Black people in the South in the late 19th and early 20th centuries. She led an anti-lynching movement, traveled nationwide and abroad to expose the practice at great personal risk, and went on to participate in the founding of the NAACP.
Other Barbies in the collection have included Maya Angelou, Florence Nightingale, Eleanor Roosevelt, Rosa Parks, Billie Jean King and Ella Fitzgerald.
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I just finished I know why the caged bird sings.
I hope that they keep looking for heroes when making currency and naming buildings and schools etc. there are so many heroes to choose from.
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I think that Maya Angelou was the one who said "when you know better, you do better". love that.
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Magic - glad you posted this. I had never heard of him & I did go read the Wiki coverage.
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Thanks Mirirandra. It is a wonderful statue. But WTF - "did not believe black people could feel pain..."????
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I know, right? Sadly, that attitude persists in modern medicine still. Women in general frequently report that their complaints of pain are dismissed or trivialized by medical staff, but women of color have even worst statistics in getting support for pain management.
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Thanks for the monument information and photo. I was aware of the doctor considered the father of gynecology and his abuse towards black women but was not aware of this particular monument in Alabama remembering three of the enslaved women.
In a related story, there was a monument in Central Park, NYC of Sims that was removed in 2018 and moved to the cemetery where he’s buried. Two other monuments of Sims exist in South Carolina and Alabama.
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Please note that in the not too distant past, it was the norm to not provide pain relief to newborns undergoing surgery based on the belief that newborns do not experience pain. https://www.washingtonpost.com/archive/lifestyle/wellness/1986/08/13/surgery-without-anesthesia-can-preemies-feel-pain/54d32183-8eed-49a8-9066-9dc7cf0afa82/ How convenient and cruel these assumptions about pain perception have been. In one situation, the cries of pain were ignored, in the other, the patients were rendered unable to cry out.
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Mirianda...thanks for the monument image.
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