how about drinking?
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Oh Goldie - I'm so sorry. You are in my thoughts & I will keep you close to my heart.
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Goldie, I just realized I missed your last post. I know nothing can really be said to bring comfort but I am deeply sorry, I can’t even imagine how it is.
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Goldie,
I am so very sorry for your loss. My thoughts are with you.
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Lori, I’m so sorry for your loss. I’m sure your heart is breaking. Of course your are numb. Sending you hugs. Please let me know if I can do anything long distance.
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Lori words are not adequate. I am so, so sorry for your loss. I will pray for you as you navigate all this. 🙏
Reader
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Goldie - Deepest sympathies on the loss of your DH. Cyber hugs coming your way. Please be kind to yourself.
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We are terribly sorry for your loss, Goldie. Please accept our sincerest condolences. We're sending you hugs your way.
The Mods
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OH, Goldie, I am so sorry to hear about your DH!
Hugs and prayers.
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Thank you everyone, I am just numb and shocked. Was not expecting this at all. I thought things would happen more gradually and we would know time was getting short. Looking back now, during those last 4 days when he couldn't go to the bathroom, and not wanting to eat due to the cramping, which we thought was due to meds. I guess it was his body shutting down, which neither of us or the doctors mentioned that that could be what was happening.
He woke me up just before 1 in the morning, to ask me to help him get up, which he had been doing for 4 days. He would only spend 4 hours or so in bed, then wanted up cuz he was uncomfortable and still couldn't sleep. I helped him get his shirt on, he got in his chair. He wasn't spreading his legs so I could put the foot rest down, so I thought he just needed to catch his breath. I asked him if he wanted the ventilator in the living room, he said yes. I unplugged it and took it in there, plugged it in and went back to the bedroom to help again with the feet. He's not moving them to help. I look at him and call his name, he starts to drool, I continue to call his name, he stiffens up for just seconds and then, what I thought was blood, was coming out of his mouth. And then of course I lost it! I think the stiffening was his last breath. It all happened within about 5 minutes. He had had some Pepsi the night before, and that is what I think it was, not blood.
Later in the morning when I start making phone calls, the first ones are the ones on the East. I called his one brother (Tony) who lives in Ohio, which is where Darrells mom lives. I did not want to call her and tell her on the phone and with no one there, as she is in her 80's and not in good health. So Tony tells me he might wait until the weekend to tell her about Darrell. I'm like, well I hope she doesn't call here in the meantime. He says maybe they can go later if his wife doesn't have to work too late!
An hour and a half later I get a text from him "Hey Lori, this is tony. Could you send an obituary copy or copy of death cert.? I need it for work, they will pay me for three days!"
Then later in the afternoon he sends another text "Our new address is xxxx As soon as you can get that overnight it to me. Thanks"
I can't believe it. If Darrell knew of this, he would be so pissed and forbid sending him anything. I can't believe how insensitive this was.
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Okay little honey.... This might also sound insensitive, but I say YOU are in charge.... You do only what you want! That IS very insensitive of Tony! A lot HE gives a crap!! I suppose there are always people in our families that are only thinking of themselves, and not of those who are closest to this hurtful time this is for you .
I almost cried when I read your post.... We here, all feel so bad for you.... and you have just poured your heart out over what you and your Husband were going through! MAN, I had no idea how some of these things work, and what people go through!
You have done all you could ..... You were always there for him... and he knows that! We ALL know that! I wish I could just give you a hug.... just know that I am thinking of you, and we all love you.... xoxo Chevy
Edited...... And don't ever forget.... You did everything possible for your Husband! It's just hard to go through these hard thoughts and not fall apart! I'm proud to call you my friend, and we have never met! You are an inspiration.... Be brave my friend.... it's not going to be easy... but we are always here for you.
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Goldie, witnessing those final moments sounds awful, I’m so sorry.
As for the family, the behavior is outrageous! To delay notifying his mom because of working late is a dumb excuse but to place any expectations on you, especially at a time when you are in a state of shock and grief is unbelievable and for what, paid time off work?! Maybe I’m wrong but they sound like terribly insensitive people and not people I’d want in my life at all.
Thinking of you
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I couldn't agree more with Chevy & Mae. Take your time to figure out what's best for YOU. Don't worry about them. Holding you close.
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Goldie, echoing Chevy and Mae. You did a wonderful job taking care of him, please know we appreciated all you were doing (especially those of us with nursing experience).
Three days off for what??? Certainly not to support you or any of the family.
Please do what you must do and then only what you decide to do. And again please take care of yourself as you deal with all of the required details.
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Just chiming in support here. Do what YOU wish to do and need to do. You've been a wonderful supporter and caretaker to your DH. I'm appalled but not surprised by family reaction and requests. Sadly these circumstances seem to bring out the bad. Sending hugs and prayers for clarity for each step you take and for peace amidst this storm.
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Goldie- I am so sorry about everything thing you have been through. I am very sorry you were there by yourself when this happened. Something changed very quickly here and this is certainly a big shock.
You gave the brother the job to tell the mom, so let him do that and if she calls, you can just say Darrell can't come to the phone right now. Or just don't answer the call if you feel you can do that without her worrying. The weekend is close and the brother said he would get there by this weekend. That brother is a peice of work though.
I have gone through a lot with my family around these things and will tell you family is sometimes at their worst during times like this. But there are people who care and will do what they can (including us here on this thread). Life taught me to focus on the helpers in the worst of times.
Sending you much love and know you have a lot ahead of you sister.
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Goldie, my heart hurts for you so much! I echo what everyone here has said. Concentrate on what is best for you. We know how much you loved your husband and how well you cared for him. I’m sure you are just exhausted, on top of being broken-hearted. And the brother: worthless! I mean, you asked him to do ONE thing, which he apparently will not handle appropriately. And he has demands of you? Ridiculous I hope you are able to find some assistance in person, but we are here for you with love and support.
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Oh, Lori, I am so sorry I didn't check this thread sooner and only read just now of Darrell's passing, Goes without saying "may his memory be for a blessing," as surely it is and will be forever. Holding you in my heart. ("Hugs" don't begin to say it). Also sorry to hear Tony is being such a jerk--but it could also be he's in a bit of denial, and it hasn't fully hit him hard enough to take him out of selfish & bossy mode. Sometimes judgment & priorities go out the window, and people go on autopilot--reinforcing their usual tendencies and influencing their reactions & behaviors.
You should be your #1 priority for as long as it takes. There's a reason that many faiths have prescribed customs & rules for mourning periods--to ensure the bereaved are fully free to grieve and not be expected to have to attend to responsibilities.
Kim, there is no question as to the effectiveness of the vaccine & especially the booster. It's saving lives and keeping people out of the hospital. It shortens the length of both illness and infectiousness. And it makes the difference between getting really sick from Omicron vs. discomfort, anxiety & inconvenience.Too many people want easy binary answers to everything, and that includes science. They believe that if a vaccine isn't 100% preventive and a treatment isn't a miracle cure, they don't work, period.
Ironically, since last weekend's ice storms, local ERs have been full of serious slip-fall injuries (mostly fractures), further stressing overcrowded and understaffed hospitals.
DOTD: whatever works.
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Goldie, I'm so sorry to hear of your husband passing. I'm sure you being with him was a comfort to him. He wasn't alone. You took wonderful care of him. Now take care of yourself.
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Lori - I agree with Mae, Chevy and the others. You do what is best for you. It is heartbreaking what you wrote about Darrell. I'm so sorry that this is how Darrell's life ended. Sending you gentle hugs. Please take care of yourself. And please let us know how we can help.
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Goldie--how hard that must have been for you! I'm so sorry this happened so fast and without support and preparation. The Ohio brother is a totally insensitive, self-centered a$$#0le. What is he going to do with that 3 days, come to the funeral? If not, he can get a copy of it in the snail mail, if at all. I would not go to the trouble of overnighting it to him. Like Chevy says, YOU are in charge.I also second Chevy, you did a great job taking care of him. His final months were as comfortable and meaningful as they could possibly be.
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Come on Lorrie! Wake up! We just want to hear from you. I have learned to have more patience, just by reading what you say..... I mean I'm TRYING to be more helpful....
You know, it just gets so frustrating, wishing for SOMEthing that would help our guys... and we are ALONE with them, and our heart hurts, and our mind gets all jumbled up and confused sometimes..... but we are all in this with you.... we care about you, and would help in any way we could.
So just go grab a chocolate coke.... oh wait....! We could all be with you and smoke a pack of cigarettes, and drink a whole bottle of Jose Cuervo. Right? That would mean we are brave, sensitive, and can take whatever the day throws at us!
Thinking of you my friend.... xoxoxoo Chevy..... I mean Ed. (THAT stands for "Elizabeth Dahling"...! I made that name up one time thinking I needed to be more provocative._ )
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Chevy - I always wondered what Ed stood for. I love it!!! I love your sense of justice, humor and what is right!!!! Hugs to you too.
It's 35F now but high is only going to be 42. Not sure that we'll get much snow. High 40s low 50s all week but no snow after today.
Was lazy this morning, didn't get out of bed till 6am. Was up at 4 but I refuse to get up that early. I did fall asleep for a bit, then lay in bed. DH got up at 5:45 and I was awake lay in bed a little longer.
We are dropping off my car at 8 for oil change, then I need to go to grocery, cook and clean - my Friday ritual.
Have a wonderful Friday.
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I completely agree with Chevy & Mae! Stick to your guns girl.
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Lori, thinking of you. Hugs!!!!
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You guys are the best. Gosh, people posting I don't even recall seeing here and the mods! Thank you again, so much. I'm doing as good as can be expected. As for Tony, there is no service and I may just take a picture of death cert. and text it to him. And if his mom is upset, I will tell her that that was his choice to wait and that I didn't agree with it. Not sure if I will tell her about the demanding text messages he send me.
It most def. was quick and understanding, not to mention horrifying to leave through. My one neighbor came yesterday and sat with me and we went over some things. My youngest brother and my DD are coming Jan 26-Feb 4, so that will be nice. I am here by myself, with no one to go visit or to come by except my one neighbor, so that makes it a little harder.
So many things I have to take care of now, that Darrell did, with money and bills. I think he had most on automatic payment, but not certain. We had not gone over those, as like I said, was not expecting this.... AT ALL. I thought we would know when things were going downhill. And have more time to plan things and go over things.
Thank you again again from the bottom of my broken heart for all the love and support!
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Goldie: I read your post yesterday but I grappled with what to say. How traumatic that must have been. The fear. The grief. Can you find peace and comfort in knowing that it was so fast even if the shock was awful?. My heart goes out to you. And now you have to deal with insensitive a**holes. I wish we could do more for you. Just remember we are there in spirit. I hope you will soon have someone to lean on and help you with this burden.
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Goldie - I am so glad that your brother and DD is coming to be with you. I had the same thing when my husband died, he did all the money and bills, I had to figure out a lot, it all came together ok. Prayers for you through this.
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Lori - I'm glad that your daughter and brother will be with you later this month for a week or so. It will be nice to have your daughter with you. Did you and Darrell always live in your current house since you married? Reach out to us whenever you want. We're here for you.
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Lori, in Karen's & my faith tradition, we have a mourning custom called "sitting Shiva." ("Shiva" is Hebrew for "seven"). For seven days after the funeral of a spouse or first-degree relative (child, parent or sibling), mourners are to stay home (except on the Sabbath, when they can attend services), do no work, undertake no business obligations, cover all mirrors, sit in stocking feet on low stools; and receive visitors to comfort them, bring food (meals & treats), pray with them, and pitch in to do any necessary cleanup. (Karen, being far more observant than I, can correct me or add anything else).
So we are virtually "sitting Shiva" for you here. (We won't make you cover your mirrors; -and it's up to you where to sit, whether to kick off your shoes or leave the house; and you can choose your own prayers, if any). And we are here to comfort you for as long as you want.
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Okay little Lorrie... You can do this.... It's just soooo hard, feeling alone like you are. But just know we can all help a little... I remember having to get so many death certificates for this & that, & whatever when my Grandma, Mom & Dad passed away!
And I'm trying to get this all taken care of with our Daughters... so they won't have to go through too much. Yes, I cancelled auto-pay a long time ago... I just get an email, then pay on-line from my checking... Or I get a bill in the mail.
Just know that we care, and if you need anything, just ask... I mean unless it's for a million dollars... then you are on your own...
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