I WANT MY MOJO BACK!
Comments
-
Firstly, I am a very concerned husband reaching out for answers. My wife is 1 year post-surgery with IDC, double mastectomy. She is on Arimidex hormone therapy. We have been married only 6 1/2 years this past June during which the previous 4 years, my wife started her menopause, was taking a prescription for that (unknown) and her mood swings and sexual libido became obviously aggressive on one side and non-existent on the other. Over those 4 years, I was patient, tried to be loving, caring and supportive as a husband should do and our intimacy actually had a major re-interest only 3 months before the diagnosis, when it stopped completely. Once I was informed of the cancer, my wife left me out in the cold. She would not talk to me about it, would not let me comfort her and our daily texts and cell calls ended completely. She actually told me that I gave her the cancer. I was in as much shock as she was. I had no choice but to stand aside and watch her go into shock and she became totally withdrawn from me. The surgery took place, her kids looked at me like I was a monster, and my wife told me I had to get out of her life. One month post-surgery with in-home recovery, I could never get any response from her verbally. In fact, she actually filed a restraining order and had me legally removed from our home. During that time frame, I hired a lawyer and contested the order. Then six weeks later, I offered her a Separation Agreement to include me having control over certain assets, and her mental health by taking marriage and PTSD counseling. She got over her shock, asked me back into our marriage, and we then tried to have intimacy a few times, only to discover how horrible the Arimidex has ruined everything a woman thinks, feels and wants regarding sex. I went on the road for 6 months working and I gave it time for her to heal. Then I find out she is still totally uninterested intimacy and has suggested that I once again get out of our marriage. She is the most severe case of being an introvert that I have ever experienced. She refuses to respond to any conversation, or to look at any facts, online help or to even acknowledge that I even exist in her life at all. I just earned over $40k in 6 months to support her and step-child (almost 18) and I have not even been given any appreciation or recognition for my efforts to save a marriage and to stand by my wife throughout this tragedy. I refuse to just walk away and watch her ruin her life and continue being in such denial of her own life. I need a lot of input here. Since I've researched most data online recently regarding the cancer, hormone therapy, and how it affects our intimacy, I must say that after 5 years of dealing with her mood swings with the 1 year post-surgery, I believe that another 4 years on Arimidex can be achieved on my part. I just don't know what to do, how to approach her on this and if there is even an answer to save a relationship that I feel in my heart can't dissolve over cancer and how my wife is being chemically altered. She can't even give me an answer to any question I ask or want to even try and work things out. Where do I go from here?0 -
The fact that your wife feels you caused her cancer indicates the marriage has been incredibly stressful. The fact that her children have looked at you like you are a monster is very telling. Your wife would not have been able to get a restraining order and have you removed from the home without evidence of abuse. The difficulties with intimacy that you are experiencing in your marriage sound to me to be more indicative of the problems in the relationship and possibly some controlling or abusive behavior on your part. Arimidex would never cause the severe psychological and emotional difficulties that your wife is currently exhibiting. I suggest that you take care of your own issues and your responsibility in the breakdown of this relationship, enter into some marriage counseling, and deal with these psychological concerns head-on and perhaps, just perhaps, you might find some solutions there.0 -
This answer is far from the facts. My wife has been in 2 prior marriages, all ending in divorce. Including restraining orders. I fell into this marriage in the belief that we both were going to be happy. Her sexuality has been a very satisfying relationship up until her menopause began. I've never had a problem at all. As for the suggestion of abuse or controlling type, that too is far from the facts. I threw away everything I owned to move in with her. I've never been under a womans roof before and it did cause me great concern at first. Once her career made increased income, as where my business of 30 years failed, only compounded the mood swings that I endured at that time. Her surgeon told me post-op that her archived images showed signs of cancer before we met. As of this reply... my wife is sitting next to me unaware of my persistent search to resolve our relationship. Her mood is in check and the research I learned this weekend has given me the facts I need to present to her. I'm Not here to be blasted on a forum that is for help. Nor am I just man seeking a way back into a mind that is obviously being altered by hormone therapy drugs. I only want real help from people already experienced in this type of problem. I'm educated, but not in this topic. It is a common syndrome that a cancer victim tries to hurt their closest loved ones. My opinion is she believes her life is over, and her life of love with her man is over. There must be someone to steer me in the right direction. I believe my wife will overcome her negativity. Even if it takes me 4 or more years.0 -
we arent marriage counselors.0 -
That would be my suggestion too. The situation really calls for professional help to sort out all these issues; sounds like a very complicated situation. There's much more going on here than the medication issue. And really to be honest with you, I have not in my years here on the boards, heard of any woman turning against her loved ones when she has cancer. Quite the opposite in fact, and at times it is her loved ones that turn against her.0 -
Thank you for the positive replies... Is there another forum I can browse that may be able to give further advice? This particular case is rare as you mentioned. Extremely rare. However, due to my wife being in the healthcare profession as a hospital dietitian and diabetes educator, her education and experience in these fields holds a strong belief in her mind that she is doomed regardless of anything I try to help in. Her family is all she has, and they all support each other with sympathy and togetherness from my observation of the times I have spent with them... As for this forum and topic... it has given me enough information to present to my wife, which we have used a few times with some degree of satisfaction. Due to my choice to stay away from the personal contact the past 6 months to enhance her recovery and healing process, I had hoped for the libido to not be so severe as it has now become. I question the Arimidex therapy and the side effects. My wife refuses to participate with any online forums or take advice from anyone else other than her MO... plus her 7 days a week, 2 jobs career, is also a part of the stress that builds that wall up. In short... is she in such denial of her prognosis that she hides behind her work, her family, to keep me from being further involved intimately or otherwise? She even refused to continue our marriage counseling which the Agreement contract mandates for her to complete.0 -
wellawarenow...just telling it like it is. Intercourse is painful after all the treatments we receive and it is a physical problem. Before this my sex life was wonderful and very pleasurable. My husband and I have had to just resort to oral. Don't think you would be interested if you experienced pain no matter how much foreplay, lubricants, etc. It ain't the same, pal. Plus take away your testosterone and let's see how interested you would be in sex. With us women, our estrogen is taken away with Arimidex. The purpose of using that drug is to save our lives, and hang it, there are unwanted side effects...one of them being a drastic change in the sex department. Hope this will help you to understand from a woman's perspective. That being said, Ii am so sorry that you and your wife are having such difficult problems. I do wish you the best.0 -
can we just get back to our regular scheduled program0 -
well said honeybair0 -
To all replies... I thank you for the input. I'm at a loss as to being left out in the cold when all of this first started... which I no longer remember how or when her hormonal imbalances made its first strike. Having said that, and standing alongside my wife the past year with all of my heart and support.... I must now make the hardest decision any man can ever make! That is for me to be a coward... and let my wife stay in the traumatized state of mind she wants... because there is no hope anymore...
She does not care... and I have no choice to care... as I was about to Baker Act her for threatening me by just leaving all she owns behind! That expression from her alone, is totally insane...
I care not to try to understand anymore... and I am walking away... knowing.... and I mean really knowing... that there are certain cases like my wife has, that will never accept reality and stay in denial forever. Regardless of all the help on this website that these forums do offer... some women don't even care to research.... like my wife... I'm done here0 -
I think that per haps you should investigate a marriage counselor. This is not the forum for this type of thing.0 -
My husband and I are married 36 years and are having the best sex of our lives. We've both had to make adjustments, and find new things that are comfortable for us.
You are selfish and abusive to demand something she's not up for. I think you're more concernded with your needs than hers. Even though she can't help how she feels.
She's fragile and scared and needs lots of sweet love. Her needs should come first right now.
I think that when you were gone those six months she realized her life was better without you. It happens.
If you do walk away, I hope she finds some peace, and rest. She may do better alone because she won't be dealing with the constant pressure from you to meet your needs.
And I think it's wrong of you to come here and use our very personal stories to try to change her mind, that's not what we do this for. You should be listening to her, accepting and honoring her feelings. It's you who needs to change, but she probably know there's not time or that or that you are a lost cause as a caring human being.
I find that you speak of her more as property or an object than a woman whom you deeply love. That is sad and disgusting.0 -
You go girl! You speak the truth!0 -
Well, the 36 year old has lost her mojo and any sensation for touch after the 1st TC treatments. My poor hubby doesn’t know what to do, because he wants me to enjoy. I can’t. I was such a sexual person before cancer. Does it come back?0 -
FairyDogMother - Me too (except 52 years old). No spontaneous sex in this house any more! Hubby is handling it well but it's a real drag.
0 -
Hi Ladies!
Marin, do you still use the estring?
I was on estrace cream for about 6 months earlier this year (maintaining at 1gm/wk) before my gyne decided I couldn't use it anymore. It was prescribed by her husband who is my PCP. They are in the same office and I refuse to believe that she didn't say something to him about his prescribing it to me.
So, now I am back to being all dried up and atrophied.
It helped me 100%, I had a 180 degree change from pain, dryness and bleeding to lubrication and no pain!
I am on orders from my gyne to see an oncologist (I'm 8 1/2 years out from chemo/rads) and if it's okay with her then I can use it again.
Anyone else here using estrace or estring?
Anyone here using bioidenical hormones instead?
Feel free to PM me if you don't want to post here.
Thanks!
Janis0 -
OMG, Jaybird, I was just looking here a few days ago for some Estring posts. I guess it was right before you posted!
I tried Estrace. It was inconvenient and a little disgusting. So messy. And I'm not convinced it did anything. So a week or so ago I called my obgyn to see if she would send an order for Estring. I finally got it and last night I put it in for the first time.
I was a little amused to see the size of the thing, as it seemed quite large. I put it in as directed, and the directions said to put it in the "upper third of the vagina." Upper third? My entire vagina is now only 2 inches in length, a little less than the diameter of the ring. Ha! "If you feel uncomfortable," (I did) "estring is probably not far enough inside. Use your finger to gently push the ring further into your vagina."
Doesn't the manufacturer realize that women using this thing are likely to have very shallow vaginas? Good grief.
I was fairly ticked off by the whole procedure until I looked at some other discussion boards. Several women related similar experiences but said that things got better after the ring had a chance to do its work and their vaginas (apparently) became longer.
It's not horribly uncomfortable, except when I run, but I can feel it all the time.0 -
Exactly one year ago my gynecologist told me the Estring would not produce detectable hormone levels in my blood. Several days after inserting it,, my breast blew up like a balloon. (Had normal breast exam that same week and normal mammogram 6 months prior.)He thought it was due to a blocked cyst that might have reacted to the estrogen. After several rounds of antibiotics, I learned it was invasive cancer.
It could be a coincidence, but personally I don't think so. Heart attack, stroke, and cancer are all warnings in literature.
I was reading the forum to look for advice or tips regarding getting my mojo back on track after a year of treatment, surgery and radiation but saw the Estring reference and it gave me chills.
It's probably safe for most women, but it was the start of a horrible year for me.
0 -
Bluebird - I don't imagine you'll ever be able to truly believe the Estring did not cause your cancer. Another way to look at it: maybe it didn't cause the cancer, but whatever it did cause, it brought attention to your breast in a timely enough manner that the cancer was discovered before it progressed any further. Wishing you a peaceful, blessed Christmas and continued healing.
0 -
Thank you sweetandspecial. In some ways I am glad things happened quickly and just the right professionals stepped in to guide me. Merry Christmas and continued health and healing to all next year.
0 -
hi, ladies
A while back someone mentioned Organic coconut oil in a jar Well I thank you!!! It does work and for my new year I will have sex again with the hubby....
0 -
Hi ang7894 - I'm interested in this coconut oil thing - can you tell me the brand name, where you bought it and what it cost? Is it only for external use only or is it safe to use as internal lubrication as well? Thanks!
0 -
My MO has recommended a product called H2O Joe. Bought it yesterday at a store that sells sex toys, etc. Have not tried it yet. Have used organic coconut oil which works wonderfully well and is much cheaper than the Joe. Organic coconut oil can be purchased at any health food store. We also use it for cooking. It is very healthy with a wonderful flavor but is fairly expensive. Before I had cancer treatment, I needed no additional lubricants even at my age. I miss that healthy, functioning part of myself.
0 -
honeybair - I'm totally with you on the 'I miss that healthy, functioning part of myself' comment. Prior to arimidex we never had any need at all for OTC lubricants and spontaneous sex was very easy. My mom is in her 70s and she still doesn't have any problem in that area (not that I want to think about my 70+ parents and sex in the same sentence - ewe!!!). I'm hoping in about 4 years and 11 months that my body will remember how to produce what I used to think was an annoyance 24x7. I seriously had to use tampons and panty liners ALL the time, not just for periods. I need to give the coconut oil thing some thought.
0 -
I went out and bought coconut oil and we loved it. But I got a rash. Rats!
Will be looking for something similar. Had used macadenia nut oil but loved how the coconut has a perfect melt point and just disappears into the skin.
Don't really like gel type lubes, they feel like mucus!
Any ideas?
0 -
I kind of wrinkled up my nose when she suggested it but my gyno suggested plain old vegetable/cooking oil (she's a BC survivor too and lost her mojo on arimidex as well). I guess if I'm willing to try coconut oil I shouldn't be squeamish about Crisco, should I....lol
0 -
Thanks! Crisco moving to the bedroom.
0 -
Has anyone tried the Carlson Key E cream suppositories? Was a suggestion by gyn.
0 -
They work very well. Suggestion though - cut them into halves or thirds before using. This amount is plenty and will make them last much longer. Amazon carries them if you have difficulty finding them.
0 -
Thanks BayouBabe, I already ordered from Amazon(on sale). I thought I would try, can't be any worse than what I'm using now. Good tip on cutting down to smaller size.
0
