Im bitchy, I moan, I groan.....anyway.
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So when do we get our medical degrees.,... I want something frameable for the wall please. And a decent university - No York U, Toronto, I want Harvard or Yale or at the very least University of Toronto.
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I fortunately like all my doctors and all (except Rads Onc) are part of the same health care system. Which makes everything easier! It was my Gyno that suggested mammo since I was 41 and had not yet had one!
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Just needed to say that I get really sick of people telling me about all the things that they have done and all the energy they have. Fatigue sucks and I just want my old self back.!!!!!!!!!!!!!
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I had someone ask if I'm going on the Run for the Cure. I just got my handicapped license plate last week.....what d'ya think? Run! nope Walk! nope
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During my last Onc app't a month ago, I was telling her about my continual tiredness and my inability to stop myself from 'shutting down,' like having a blind pulled down and instantly falling asleep.
She said that the brain does that at times when we are stressed. The fact that I/we stage IV's have this 'terminal' program running in our heads 24/7 is so very stressing that our brains have to 'relieve' the mental pressure we are under, so we shut down.
I was sort of gobsmacked at this statement because I hadn't exactly thought that I was as stressed as I was a year ago when first dxed.
On reflection, she was right! You/we can never get away from it, except when we are deeply unconscious.
Sheila.
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LOL, dream and Barbe! Dream, I live in the same state as Brown University. How about a degree from there? I'll go pick one up for you next time I'm in Providence. Yeah, Barbe, that 'someone' that asked you about Run for the Cure can go hang out with my nurse colleague who asked me if I was doing Making Strides just after I got through answering her questions about my fatigue. Duh.
Vivvy and Sheila, want a Provigil? I'll pass one over to each of you.
To revive a tradition on this thread, THIS SUX!!
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Yep, fatigue SUCKS - BIG TIME. Last night I conked out around 2 am and am just now up and having coffee with my BC friends at noon eastern time.
I want my degree from Harvard. My husband went there, our son went there, I was there while my son was "in utero" for a week while my husband took an advanced management class. I tromped the campus many times with DH and DS. And my tears of happiness fell on the ground when our son graduated.
I will do the local Walk to Fight BC with my DS and DIL. There is a 1.5 K segment - also 3.5 & 5 K, and I try to walk a bit every day. This 1.5 K should not be too much for my old tired body. The good part is you do NOT have to raise any money or pledge any amount to do the walk. My DS and DIL have not been very "active" with me in this journey, except phone calls, so I am "pulling them into" this fight, if that makes much sense. It benefits the local center for Women and offers free mammograms and other tests for those who are unable to afford or have no insurance coverage.
Fall is in the air after a glorious, warm, sunny, almost hot day yesterday. Ugh... THAT SUCKS, as needed. Hugs, Nancy
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Okay, so how come you guys use kilometres when racing, but miles when driving?
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to confuse people... LOL
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Oh, Harvard's beautiful. I worked there for a while in IT and at lunch I'd wander around admiring the architecture, wondering what great and wonderful things were being discovered and studied... Nancy -- I can feel your pride for your son. But I'll take my MD from Ottawa U -- follow the family tradition.
Strange that we have to convince our docs of fatigue. KAK -- your doc should know better! Both the emotional and physical toll of chemo can be brutal. My chemos pretty gentle for SEs but I sure can't see me working fulltime again any time soon. Big SUX all round.
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Elizabeth: I would settle for University of Pittsburgh as an alternative. I spent 9 years there part time and finally got my BA.
I now remember a conversation with onco. She asked how I was in the middle of taxol and herceptin weekly. Tired, no energy. She wanted to write an antidepressant Rx,which I politely refused. Although depression is real, she then gave me business card of a psych for consult, which I threw in trash as I left the office.
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I worked at MIT for three years. That's the "other" university in Cambridge, Mass. It's a great place to work. Awesome bennies, wonderful endearing students. Harvard seems to think you ought to pay them for the privilege of working on their support staff. Lousy pay. MIT pays better!! LOL I'll take an MIT degree -- hang out with the geeks!
Nancy, that's what a lot of the docs do, confuse depression with fatigue and vice versa. As someone who has had successfully treated depression for years, it's interesting to me to note the very distinct difference between them. Depression is a disorder of mood. Fatigue is not. Duh. Did any of these docs go to Harvard? 'Cause they sure izz stupid...
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Kathi, thank you for that. I have tried, unsuccessfully, to point out the difference, but until I get my diploma --- LOL - they are not going to validate my "theory"...
After my husband died, I was depressed, yes, not fatigued. I know my body and I know the difference. So there, medical community.... listen up....
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Very true about the pay for support staff at Harvard -- it's at about 60% of the market rate. I came in as a contractor so I had reasonable pay, no bennies though -- been relying on COBRA, which runs out in December. Hence my return to Canada Dec 01. The economy seems to be better there -- I've already been pinged by 2 former employers within a week since announcing my return. With Ottawa being smaller I had a professional rep there so it will be OK. Here in Boston I'm just another face in a sea of unemployed faces. :-( Also being a Canuck hasn't helped -- it's understandable that employers would rather hire a citizen, especially in this economy.
Re. depression -- as we know, it can be divided into situational and chronic/chemical. I've had chronic depression and anxiety for years -- Effexor has been a life-saver. And no doubt helped with this cancer crap. I've been so depressed with my situation here (boyfriend, no money and unemployment problems) and so tired. My Effexor was cut in half when I went on tamox, even though it's not supposed to interfere with it, but we did anyway. I never put it back up to the former level now that I'm not on tamox so I do get quite stressed. When I move and leave my boyfriend I just might have to put the dose back up again... I so hope to be happy again, just feel at ease, maybe a bit of contentment...
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I live in Canada.... any of those universities are wonderful... but MIT not my thing (not only am I dumb as a stump but all my learning is either insurance or medical)
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We should get automatic MDs for all our learning about cancer and MBA's or PhDs in Economics for figuring out health insurance!
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hi guys,
i'm back, i just didn't have an access 2 a computer before. we r staying in colorado, with my dh's aunt and uncle, and we just love it here.
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Welcome back sagit - hope that all is well with you.
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Nice to see you Sagit.
O.k., O.k., I would have preferred anything, from Harvard. My DMom & DDad went there. The only thing I got from Harvard...., was the boot, expelled, kicked out, so forth, so on, etc., etc.,...... much to my parents chagrin!
I'm not tellin what, where, how or why, don't worry, it wasn't anything illegal.
So much for my misspent youth. My DDad still brings this subject up when I introduce him to my friends
Now that I'm older and wiser, or at least older. I comprehend how much, that really did suck!!!! But BOY did I have fun!!!!
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U of Pitt would be great! The hospital is usually cutting edge stuff...neighbors son just started in their Med school, anothers daughter is there and interested on Pharmacology. If you don't mind winter, hills and traffic its great!
Sagit- lovely to see you again. Hope all is well with you and you are settled in (sort of).
Elizabeth- I am going to guess that you are going to find many wonderful and healing things happening when you move (and dare I say...unburdon yourself of bf)
Stage 4 and stress....that is a no brainer. Its bad enough to have the cancer thing with all that brings but to know that there is no cure? how do you get past that? Even with the best scenerios, how do you deal with cancer as a "chronic" illness or condition? What do you "fight"? what do you "fight" for? The whole thing sux, and to have docs question & confuse the fatigue/stress/dpression....
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EWB: The University of Pittsburgh would be fine with me, too. I believe their Children's Hospital were the first ever to do liver transplants in children. I had my cataract surgery done there and would have preferred to be there for the rest of my medical problems.
My gripe is I tend to want to know how everything works, what a certain medicine will do, why, how, when and what, Perhaps I am not asking the questions to their liking but I have distinctly felt the hairs on the backs of their necks going up in frustration with me. If they don't know, they either brush right past it and don't address it or they make up some BS. When challenged with BS answers they really get rankled.
If you don't know, please say you don't know.
All those years growing up being taught to respect and listen to doctors and as it turns out you had better be your own best advocate with degrees in health management, insurance economics, medicine, research and psychology.
Connie - I wish I could come up with a smartass remark for that idiotic doctor. As I age, I am getting bolder and bolder. I finally recognized that I could care less if people like me or not or if I embarrass them. By that I mean if someone is crude enough to make those kind of remarks then I guess I am crude enough to come right back at you!
All you can do is pray for patience to avoid killing one of these jerks.
Wait - Connie -- how about "yes, they certainly botched the job!"
My PCP recommended not getting reconstruction at my age (62) because it wasn't like I was out looking for a husband!
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Okay, here's my bitch.
Yesterday before work I went to Walmart to get baking stuff. So anyway, I picked out some tops to try on and went to the dressing room. There was a young clerk standing there looking down at a small hand scanner and she didn't even look up when I stopped.
So I continued on down to a door I saw open. She called out "I SAID, HOW MANY?" I stopped and turned and looked at her and said, "You can look at me when you speak to me. I thought you were talking to your machine." She at least had the decency to look abashed and said "Sorry" then pointed to the door I was going to anyway.
So, I was in the change room and was trying on one of those cute tops that have elastic waists so it makes the top poofy and is good for flat girls like me. Anyway, I thought by now I could at least wear a L instead of an XL, but as these are made of polyester, there is absolutely no give. It seemed pretty tight going on......
So I was standing there in a sweat starting horrifcally at myself in the mirror as I realized there was no friggin way I was getting this off over my head again! I could barely pull it up my torso and I had it collected under my pits. I didn't know whether to cry or rip.
I still have some pain if I over-extend my left arm due to my SNB and I was struggling to pull the top off from my back and up over my head. Ouch!
I lowered my arms.
I sat down.
I looked at myself in the mirror...my upper torso all packed into this psycheadelic polyester shit I now hated and noticed the bulge of my belly now that I'd sat down.....sigh.
There was no friggin' way I was going to call that twerp in to help me.
I got my cell phone out to call my DH to come.
Then I took one last tug and the bloody thing came up and over my head.
I swear I could hear God laughing.
That's the last time I'll go shopping on a Sunday!
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Oh Barbe 1958 - I so relate to your story. That same thing has happened to me... now I take in Large and XLarge. If the large won't stretch between my upper arms, no way am I putting that sucker over my head. So off to the XLarge. Live and learn. I too am disappointed that I am in the large/xlarge size but it the new medium!!! HaHa
Hugs
Desny
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Hi Gals,
I went to the beach for 4 days and it was WONDERFUL!! Me and DH got a little condo on a 'last minute deal", beach front, private balcony overlooking the Atlantic in Ormond Beach, FL. The sky was clear and the Moon was full as it rose up over the ocean and the reflection on the water was absolutely breath-taking.
Coming home was a bit of a downer, but then after 3 warm gorgeous days on a white sand beach coming home is expected to be a bummer. We actually had the place for a week, but dh wanted to go back to work so we gave the rest of the week to DD and her little family. They loved it too. Something about being at the ocean restores my soul.
NO, insensitive onc did not ask my permission, well, maybe he did. Little did I know that I could have refused. I haven't been back for any post rads check ups with him, don't intend to.
KAK- Why go back for rechecks? when, as you said, there is nothing to check. Seems to me the only point is to keep me on their books. I'm NOT paying them regular co-pays just so they can check out my scared, sensitive boob.
On fatigue and depression, I've been fatigued before, it was nothing like this. I've even been anemic before, not felt this bad. I think that the two issues feed on each other. Its a vicious cycle. HOW could any Doc NOT write you a note??? THAT needs to be addressed. YOU are the paying customer and you know what you need.
I support us, as individuals that are very in tune with our bodies. We KNOW when we aren't feeling 'right'. We just KNOW and the docs should believe us. I keep up with my lab reports, I search for explainations of words I don't know on MRI findings. I know what meds I am taking, what they are for, what they can do and how they interact with each other. I supplement with vitamins and herbals that directly effect how I'm feeling. Sluggish in the morning? B-Complex. Overall tired? Gentle iron. Restless legs causing sleep deprivation? Vit. E, folic acid. A multi-vitamin every day, just in case I missed something. HOW DARE a PA or a Doc treat us as if we can't read?? ARRRGH.
Oh, and I have to tell you all that I DESPISE WALMART. They are the worst example of an American Enterprise. They only care about themselves. They rape the land, don't recycle, sell us toxic crap from China, exploit women and do NOTHING to support the local economies where they are sitting. You think about it, do you ever see their name supporting a little league team?? They have destroyed all the mom & pop shops, all the smaller local business are run out when they come in. WE as a people in crisis cannot support this in good conscience. Boycott them. It's NOT helping the country to recover and they don't even care. Wouldn't you prefer that at least SOME of your spending dollars help support your local economy? If you could go to the lady that runs her own beauty shop and pay a couple of dollars more, why not? How about independent eyeglass stores? Record stores? Hardware stores are hard to find. Local is better. Locally owned and operated business is what built this country. Trading with your neighbors. BUY LOCAL. save yourself from the ecological disasters of the Mart parking lot with no trees, all concrete and asphalt. Oh, they save YOU money? Really? Look at the bigger picture.
Sorry for my rant. They really but a bee in my bonnet.
~Connie
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There was an interesting documentary about Walmart done some time ago...very interesting, eye opening and sad how they were/are doing business and treating employees. I know lots of people like Walmart, and I do go there in a pinch (it is so much closer than other stores and generally has a bit of everything) but I never have a good feeling going in there.
To continue along Connie and Barbe's line..... Why is it that we let people treat us with anything less than respect and common courtesy? WE let them do this to us, just accepting it. I am appalled how young people act toward adults, but no one ever calls them on it, no one calls the docs and other professionals on it. It seems like when we do, we feel the need to apologize, feel guilty etc. Remember that they work for us...WE have hired them and are paying a lot of money for their services, knowledge, skills etc only to be treated badly, to be chastized for asking questions about our own bodies? Sorry pal you were not doing your job! Lately, I have developed an odd sense of (fill in the blank) and think what is the worse thing anyone can do to me...kill me? Well, I got that one covered the day I was dxed @ stage 4...what do I care about what someone else does, think or says? I am all grown up, I have put in my dues, worked hard, raised my family, try really hard to live by the "Golden Rule". I, WE, are due the respect that comes with that.
Well I am ranted out, didn't know how strongly I felt about that. hope all are well today
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Oh Barbe - that was so funny -- I've gotten stuck in clothes before -- arms in the air, suffocating with the material over my face, then that little rip that echos throughout the change room. I just hate stores with no customer service -- those that care are few and far between. There's a Talbots in Ottawa that I regularly went to -- they were wonderful until the management changed. I'll never forget when I thought I looked good and my fav sales person said "we can do better" -- I was so appreciative that she would rather lose a sale than have me not look good. Give me good, honest service and I'll be back again and again.
I love Mom and Pop stores -- they are invested in a happy customer. There was this independent video store that had lots of foreign and off-beat flicks I used to go to all the time. They got to know my tastes so every Friday evening on the way home from work I'd pop in and ask what I was watching for the weekend and they handed me a couple of cool films -- very nice. So was the owner, meow!! I will pay a bit more for an independent store -- why not if I can afford a few extra bucks -- you're helping the locals and you're getting much better service.
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The world is messing with my head. I've announced that I'm returning to Canada -- within a week I've had 4 contacts for jobs from 4 former employers and contacts! Woohoo!! My mind is set on returning. But then I get a call for a potential permanent position in Boston -- after 6 months of searching? I've avoided the call back but just now left a voicemail. But I will be up-front and see what happens -- there's no way I can work full-time -- 4 days a week for me. It's not particularly interesting but I'll see what they have to offer.
But Ottawa sounds so good -- old friends, in control of my time, no worries about healthcare!!! The Ontario BC girls get-togethers. Making enough money that I can easily visit my boyfriend every 2nd week -- it's be like I never left. I'll be able to see my ex again after 3 years -- yes, that's a bonus (we talk weekly) -- he's in San Francisco but will come to see me, take me on trips...my boyfriend here understandably never allowed it. Barbe! Give me a kick in the butt!!! Help!!!
Edited to add: Hahahahaha!! I don't know who blew off whom faster -- me or the Boston job interviewer -- the phone call lasted a minute. But I did refer her to a friend looking for work so hopefully they connect. Just saved you the energy of a butt kicking Barbe!!
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Whew! Just in time Elizabeth! I was just swinging my leg back and taking aim!
Stay your course, girlfriend!
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Todays MSN website posted this article;
http://articles.moneycentral.msn.com/Investing/Extra/why-you-should-hate-wal-mart.aspx
I'm not a researcher, but I read the MSN news website and this just popped up there this morning. It's showing views on both sides. Just for anyone who's interested in the Wal-Mart debate.
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Haven't read the article yet, but my DH used to own a store fixture company and they were pretty excited when they heard Walmart was coming to Canada (years ago). But Walmart brought up 220 tractor-trailer loads of shelving from the US rather than have them built in Canada! They try to make us feel better by using employees and their families in the printed ads (or so it says). Do they do that in the states too?
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