Im bitchy, I moan, I groan.....anyway.
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Cmharris: Re: your long-ish post on previous page. My friend who had cancer would tell me people (upon being asked how cancer changed her life): Well, I say "F*CK" a lot more than I used to.
Wow, what a life you have had. And what a way with words. Maybe we need more of that in the ether, and fewer pink ribbons. [I would kind of like to borrow some of what you said for my blog... but I would never do that if you didn't say it was okay] I would say that I am 85% physically the same as I was before diagnosis. The problem is that I really, really miss that other 15%, and the impact that 15% makes on my mental and emotional health.
Not to mention the consequences of living in a world where people COMPULSIVELY remind us of all the people they know who have lived 5 years "doing really well" to which I would like to reply: a) how the f*ck would you know? A lot of us look fine on the outside, but are struggling with things that you can't see and b) for the record, lots of people are not NED 5 years out and some of us are going to die of this disease.
Re: Mammograms. Yeah, the spin on this really is horrible. The coverage I've seen is really not addressing the nuances, e.g., still recommended for women with a history of cancer in their families, the need for US or other measures to detect masses in "heterogeneously dense" tissue.
Thanks for the support, people. It does help. It really does.
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Rock....I'm so happy to see you posting regularly again on this thread. You were so kind to me when I first joined BC.org. I was ready to give up on the site because I didn't feel like I fit in anywhere then you sent me a PM. BC.org was my first experience with chat groups and it saved my sanity. I'm also hooked on your blog.
A big THAT SUX to everyone.
Hugs
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Oh, Renee, that is really nice to hear. Honest, it means a lot to me! xoxo
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CM - hugs - I kinda know what you mean but cancer did not do it to me - it didn't help, mind you, but a whole lot of other circumstances have put me, like you, in a precarious place. I have lived with one sister for over 2 years because I can't afford my own place, my COBRA insurance is running out and to get HIPAA conversion I will be paying over $1,000 a month which a huge deductible. My car is 14 years old - I'm not sure how roadworthy she will be. My diabetes has given me really bad neuropathy - half the time I feel like I am going to fall - in fact, in June I did fall and shattered my shoulder requiring a replacement. I have had a diabetic ulcer on my foot for well over a year. I, too, am in pain that sometimes is excrutiating but the worse is doctors telling me its old age! FIX IT!
As for cancer detection - my mammogram and ultrasound were negative. A MRI showed cancer in the breast that had a bleeding nipple but the other was normal. Pathology showed cancer in both breasts following a bi mx.
I was laid off from my last job but even if I hadn't been, my health keeps going downhill. I'm not sure how much longer I could have worked.
BUT here's my two big SUX - I have very limited options in life and doctors who don't know and don't do anything about it!
Sorry I went on for so long - I try not to think of it at all - its just stressing over s$$t I can't do anything about.
Lots of hugs to all who need one.
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I HATE when the docs say ...its just old age...you're just getting older.. ITS NOT. How is it that I was perfectly fine (well except for the unknown cancer) doing a rather physical job, long hours, running w/kids etc to starting femara and lupron and within weeks having issues w/joints, tendonitis etc?! hummm? This was not old age, or aging. ARGHHH. Wake up people/doctors open your eyes & listen to what I am saying...
Vent away, thats what this place is for.
Really sorry for everyone's sucky stuff
. Here's to a sucky free day... it could happen 
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ok ladies I have something I found. First I will say after two days on Femara I felt 60 years old and after two weeks I felt 80. Bones cracked ached everywher, head ache constipated you name it. Reading here helped me know I wasn't crazy!
all that said a friend sent me a note she found about bone loss reversal. Well it said research on rats had shown eating prunes actually reversed bone loss. (they are working on human trials now. Anyway after the first day of eating prunes the head ache was gone, (took a couple to get really regular and not constipated) but for the most part I feel human again. I can't believe it. So I hope some of you will try it, and let me know if it helps.. and if it is all in my head, I don't think I care at this point. I just know I feel better!
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Hi Ladies,
I read but I do not post that much on the threads anymore. But Rock, I think that you said it exactly right. "How the F*CK would you know". You always hit the nail right on the head. Would love to read your blog. Can you let me know how to find it. You rock girl!
Thanks,
Kerry
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www.rockthebald.blogspot.com
(Just do a google search for "f*ck", heh, heh.)
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One Flaw In Women
Women have strengths that amaze men....
They bear hardships and they carry burdens,
but they hold happiness, love and joy.
They smile when they want to scream.
They sing when they want to cry.
They cry when they are happy
and laugh when they are nervous.
They fight for what they believe in..
They stand up to injustice.
They don't take "no" for an answer
when they believe there is a better solution.
They go without so their family can have.
They go to the doctor with a frightened friend.
They love unconditionally.
They cry when their children excel
and cheer when their friends get awards.
They are happy when they hear about
a birth or a wedding.
Their hearts break when a friend dies.
They grieve at the loss of a family member,
yet they are strong when they
think there is no strength left.
They know that a hug and a kiss
can heal a broken heart.
Women come in all shapes, sizes and colors.
They'll drive, fly, walk, run or e-mail you
to show how much they care about you.
The heart of a woman is what
makes the world keep turning.
They bring joy, hope and love.
They have compassion and ideas.
They give moral support to their
family and friends.
Women have vital things to say
and everything to give.
HOWEVER, IF THERE IS ONE FLAW IN WOMEN,
IT IS THAT THEY FORGET THEIR WORTH.(Sent to me today. So true.)
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I wonder sometimes if women ever KNOW their worth.
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Renee,
That was awesome. How true.
Kerry
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Didn't know where to share this interesting tidbit -- today when I mentioned I loved the 3-d movie of my bod from the PET/CT file, my onc said that the cool animations we have with scans has been developed with help from the gaming industry (i.e., nintendo, not gambling).
My suckiness for the day (month, months) is leaving Boston. I miss my guy already. :-(
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Hey everybody,
I'm almost caught up.....hugs and that SUCKS!!!!!!! to everybody!
My sister has decided to forgo chemo until she meets with the Cancer Centers of America in Tulsa. Does anybody have any experience with them?
She had her bi-mast and hysterectomy...she might change her mind when she gets the results of her scans that she has scheduled for Monday, and the results of the biopsy on her ovaries.
Who knows? I'm so torn/scared/worried about her delaying or opting out of chemo. She was all gung-ho and then my other sis with bc called me and said "Kristi sounds scared, have you talked to her?" She said she has been having nightmares for a week about what Debbi & I went through and she just freaked out. She started looking for alternatives to chemo on the internet and found Cancer Centers of America.
Love everybody! More later. Back to work.....ugh.
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Tracy Did your sister have an onco type test. They test the tumer tisue and it tells how likely you are to get cancer back. based on your treatment schedule. It is expensive but if her insurance doesn't pay for it the company that does the testing will help. Hugs
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Remember, it is based on your treatment plan IF YOU ARE TAKING TAMOXIFEN.
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YOU WILL NOT BELIEVE WHAT MY HUSBAND DID YESTERDAY!!! Anybody else here suffering from fatigue???? He called my therapist and told her he was concerned because I am napping during the day, falling asleep in my chair and going to bed early. I have a history of drug/alcohol abuse, so I understand his concern that I have relapsed, but I don't have any drugs or alcohol in the house. I AM EFFING TIRED!!! He cannot get that. I have told him I'm tired and that I should cut back on how much I work (2 jobs) and he said my jobs aren't that hard and don't take that much out of me. He also told her that he thought I was depressed and that I thought people would be better off without me. I have no idea where he got that idea from. I haven't felt like that in years. AND, he never mentioned any of this to me at all. This took me right out of the blue. And, he isn't a big fan of my therapist. He worked overtime last night, so I was in bed when he got home from work and, of course, we are both working now. I really want to shake the life right out of him and ask him what on earth he was thinking, but I know the right thing to do would be to tell him that it is very sweet that he is so concerned about me, but that I am not depressed or abusing any substances and that I really am just tired. I have been through hell in the last year and it will take me a while to recover...not to mention that the side effects of the Femara are almost unbearable. I guess that's what I get for sucking it up and not complaining.
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Jane, that is REALLY unfair of him! You must feel blindsided. Did your therapist tell you all this? Isn't she breaching some kind of code...?
I think you're right to "thank" him for his concern and say that you and your therapist discussed the Post Traumatic Stress Disorder that you are suffering from right now....idiot.
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Whack! Jane -- that's a slap on the side of your husband's head. Not that I advocate violence, but a loving, firm tap is called for. Maybe just the threat of one. Geesh!!!
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My husband is my emergency contact so my therapist has permission to speak to him. I go to group therapy once a week and see my psychiatrist just for med renewals every 2 months. My therapist blind-sided me with this during group last night. My head is still reeling.
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Oh Jane, awful that it was during group instead of an individual session. It is horrible to be accused of something when you're innocent, no matter what it is. And if you protest your innocence too much they become doubtful. You can't win! I've had that happen. It's insulting even though well-meant.
I know, you want to focus on that he did this out of love. But still it is so maddening. He should have spoken to you. He should have trusted that you would come to him or your therapist if you were having a hard time. And for goodness sake -- 2 jobs and BC. Hey, let's see him try it and not get both physically and emotionally tired.
Sorry this happened to you Jane. Sux!! And loving, trusting, understanding hugs.
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The therapist should have known better. Something personal should not have been brought up during a group session. She could have said that he had concerns but not listed them. The therapist also should know that BC and fatigue go hand in hand and that is with NO jobs. Add two jobs and you must be cross-eyed with fatigue. Why are you stretching yourself so thin? He has a right to wonder about your health. He does not have the right to embarass you. And like I said, the therapist should have acted with more concern than he or she did.
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Hey, y'all!! I've missed you all! Haven't fallen down a drain or anything, just marshalling my very limited energy lately to TRY to catch up on my life a teensy bit. Hugs to everyone. I see the Usual Suspects are all here. Ahhhh, does my heart good! I feel really spoiled because I get to see some of you on Facebook, too.
I also see lots of the usual suckage. And some unusual suckage on a national scale. Boy, talk about the Personal is Political. Don't get me started on the new guidelines.
Our dear Saint (I do miss her "WhaSux?" here) is going through more than her share of suckage lately. A Bronx Cheer (pppplllllllwwwwwllllllwwwwooooo!!) on that, and on everyone's IOS's.
Jane, I just cannot believe how inappropriate both your hubbie & your therapist have been. Fie on them both. Wow. I don't even know what to say, except I wouldn't want her as a therapist anymore. Because she is obviously ignorant of a few professional boundaries she should not have crossed, not to mention complete ignorance about Cancer Related Fatigue. I recommend she read my blog post, The F Word -- or better yet, please give me her address so I can go smack her upside the head & remind her of how the therapeutic relationship is supposed to work. Bleeping idiot. That goes triple for your effing hubby.
OMG!! cmb!!! It's been ages! How are ya, sweetie?
Amazingly, I actually have a few SOI's to report. One is the mere fact that I have enough energy to be upright and typing this. Oy. The next one is that I completed my participation in the Cancer Related Fatigue study (see my blog for details) and one of the doc/researchers gave me a free consult & free follow-up forever, basically. And he suggested I try Wellbutrin to see what happens. And guess what? It's working! I can actually think again!!! OMG! The brain fog is slowly lifting! I had the wherewithall to pay a few ooooold bills this week! I even cleaned off my desk!! And today I took a walk with my dog and I walked up a hill and didn't collapse at the top, where my house is!! Positively miraculous!
I do have an IOS, though, which is that I've got cording -- again -- and shoulder/breast/chest pain from rads, which were done over a year ago now. The gift that keeps on giving. However, I also have a PT who has already helped a lot.
I've got to go back and do a lot of reading to catch up with everyone, but wanted to check in & send my love & a massive THAT SUCKS to all who need it.
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While I am on Wellbutrin and Zoloft, the least little thing can send me into a tailspin. Is that normal?
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Kathleen, I'm on both of those. I find I have to increase my Zoloft to take the "anger" edge off. Maybe you need an adjustment. 0
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Hey, thanks Barbe - I am on 150 mg of Zoloft and 300 mg of Wellbutrin. I think the top dose for Zoloft is 200 mg. I feel like I could jump right out of my skin. That's funny, I started taking Zoloft to take the "anger" edge off too. Now I think I am just downright depressed. Riding back from Maryland after our pre-Thanksgiving dinner last night, the anger came rising back up and I was ready to jump down my sister's throat. Maybe tomorrow will be better.
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Kathleen, so sorry you're not doing well, even on those two meds. Yes, 200 mg is top dose for zoloft, my old friend Captain Z, which kept me sane for years. It is possible to go up to 450 mg of Wellbutrin, but you definitely need to talk to your doc before increasing either one of them. There is also a thing called seratonin syndrome which may bear looking at if you are feeling more irritable & depressed rather than less.0
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Awww Kathleen -- family and the holidays can make anyone want to take a chainsaw and... wait, that's me. Sorry you're having a rough time.
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I mentioned to a very good girlfriend that I'm going to be really depressed and grumpy for a while in Dec because I am leaving my b/f, moving, broke (sold most of my belongings for $$), probably have to declare bankrupcy, unemployed, the f-ing holidays, potentially having to tell my Mom about being stage IV (still haven't even mentioned the BC -- avoidance to the extreme!!!), and seeing and getting used to a new oncologist/nurses/clinic. She said I can have a week of depression and grumpiness and then I have to snap out of it. I am not amused. Arrrrgh. That's my SUX -- it will probably last well into the New Year and beyond, indefinitely, forever. I don't think I will snap out of it in a week... Geez, I'm been moaning about a lot of this for months on these boards!
Edit to add: I forgot to mention that I think I blew my last good vein in chemo on Wednesday. Oh yeah, will also be moving into 13th mth of chemo in Dec -- well, this happens a lot of us, but it's adding to my suckiness quotient.
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Elizabeth - that sucks big time! And yes I am with you on the chainsaw. I think, since we had our holiday dinner on Saturday, I was just on sensory overload. Nothing like a huge family gathering to depress the hell out of you. Tell me what is going on with telling your Mom? Why are you avoiding this? I know I would not tell one of my aunts only because I can't take care of her and me (she gets hysterical at anything). Take as long as you like to be grumpy - with all the crap on your plate, if you can't be grumpy then no one can. Geeeeeeeeeeeeeez!
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Kathleen, I took 250 mgs of Zoloft for years a long time ago (maybe that's what happened to me?
) But am on only 50 mgs now. I have Lorazepam now for "break-through" anger. heheheee I, personally, think my anger is justified because the rest of the world sweats about shit like new shoes and where they are going on holiday. I sweat about pain and cancer and dying.
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