Im bitchy, I moan, I groan.....anyway.
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Yes Barbe, just turned 64 myself and inside I am still that child at the mercy of adults. Every time my DH loses his cool, I crawl inside myself and mentally suck my thumb.
Father was an abuser till I was nine when I took my two brothers across a major city to my mother, who was separated from him. We were smuggled out of state, and then I had to endure a lifetime of emotional and physical abuse at her hands.
When I eventually told her of the sexual abuse by her husband, she tore strips off me for not telling her sooner so that she could have divorced him. One day she told me that it was my fault that she HAD to marry my father, I'm still not sure to this day how I managed that. It took me until I was 26 to realise that she would never value me and nothing I could do would ever change that.
I tried to contact her and got a letter from her to tell me that she had moved to another state as my brothers had grown up and moved there and there was nothing to keep her here. I cried my heart out for a while and then decided to forget about her and her abuses. Best thing I ever did, I finally had respect for myself as I didn't have to keep dancing to her tune.
She died a little over a year ago and I didn't shed one tear for her or my loss of my mother. I should say at this point that she was a JW and put her religion before everything else. She was never abused by her parents as she was the 'baby' of her family and treated as such.
My mother-in-law was also emotionally abusive to my DH and I often wonder if that generation was like that because the women were so repressed in so many ways. I guess we'll never know, but I am so proud of the younger generation of women who are not afraid to go after what they want and also stand up for themselves.
Sheila.
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((((((((((((((((BARBE))))))))))))))))))))))))))
((((((((((((((((SHEILA)))))))))))))))))))))))))
((((((((((((((((ANNETTE)))))))))))))))))))))
Hugs to all those little girls who were damaged through no fault of their own but who continue to carry the scars of abuse.
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I had told my sister once that I wouldn't cry at our parent's funerals unless it was relief that they couldn't hurt me any more. I spoke at both their funerals and there wasn't a dry eye in the house, except mine.
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I have to say I was blessed (and I do not use that word often) with two very good people for parents. My dad taught me an early age how to protect myself...he was a lot older than my mom and had been on his own until he was 36-saw a lot of the world and life...I only saw him violent two times growing up. One was at relatives' house visiting and an uncle (not really uncle a cousin but raised like my dad's brother since they were so close in age)kissed me hello-I was about 11....I went and found my dad and told him it was icky and why did he put his tongue in my mouth...next thing I know my dad is running after him and BAM-punched him and we all left. He told me then if anything ever felt off or wierd RUN and make sure to tell them. I knew they would always believe me. Perhaps they were this way because my mom was raped when she was 16. This was in a small rural town in Canada and the rapist was a well-respected man in the town. Her family ignored her when she told them saying she asked for it...but the chinese cook in the cafe where she worked made her tell the cops...unbelievable he was found guilty and actually sent to jail for a year-that was unheard of in those days. But she was kicked out on the street for "ruining that man's life-a husband and father"...she met up with my dad three years later when she was 19 and he cherished her until the day he died. The second time he went nuts was a holiday at our home, I was already in my 20s and married. Same uncle, old and rather decrepit, came up behind my mom and grabbed her boobs (she has big boobs). Unfortunately for him, dad walked in the kitchen and saw this...he grabbed him and shook him hard (dad was old too but a bull) and said get out of my home you pig, now. My uncle started crying. Dad said get out. It was quite dramatic and of course his family was veryunhappy with us, as they had been years ago. I often wonder about his older daughter..she never left home..would never talk and hates men...but no talking about her dad ever...at his funeral she was a wreck...and still mad at my dad. It is sad, silence kills I think. Dad couldn't protect everyone, but he sure tried. It embarrassed me sometimes with his frank talk to me about "men and sex". And my responsibility as well. He was very frank about it. As was my mom. But throughout my life I found myself in situations where I could have been hurt and something kicked in and I was ok. A creepy neighbor with candy (yes, really) and feeling my skin crawl when he told me I was a pretty little girl. Do I have to finish the story to say it was discovered he had molested several little girls over the years? Yep. The boss rubbing up against me and me elbowing him in the balls..that was fun...he was so shocked that I see his face still. And I smile. I try to tell the young girls in the office how to repel a predator. Some cannot imagine reacting in a physical manner. Everyone in the office got a live demonstration when one new guy who I had warned not to hug me, and tha this comments were a too over the top..decided he would grab me around the waist...I grabbed his arm and twisted it...big guy-again totally shocked. Said I hurt him I told him we could go into HR and discuss if he would like or he could just keep his fat mouth shut and hands to himself. I was actually wondering if I would get into trouble since I am a VP and he is not. I didn't. The CEO called me in his office and started cracking up. Asked if he had ever had got out of line. I said not far enough....yet.
With all of this warning, I landed up enjoying sex. A lot. But it's only when I choose to. It is a gift as I was taught. Something precious given, not taken.
I simply quake when I see a child abused...or the remains of it...It makes me ill and I wanna kill. All of you have ever been hurt that way have my undying respect and devotion. I care. and believe you.
You guys did it again...set me off on a tangent of memories and long posting...
have a great day
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Annette, your parents prepared you well for your son. Your shield of love and protection that surrounds him is an honour to your Dad and Mom. I am so happy to hear of someone with a happy childhood...I really thought it was all a Hallmark fantasy!
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Annettek - Wow! Just WOW! To have parents who cared enough to have the difficult conversations. Who proved over and over again their love by believing you and rescuing you from what could have been potentially ugly situations. If only more parents were like your parents, the world would be a much better place...
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Annette - That story just knocked my socks off. I remember a boss who got too close and I really didn't like it. told him to quit. next time my elbow swung out all by its self and socked him right in the low ribs. Knocked the snot out of him and I said all nicey,"I asked you not to do that". smile. Very satisfying. and it worked.
Too many of us have harsh childhood memories or difficult famiily members. Wonder why it's so hard to just get along? Everything is not a competition. Nothing is a competition.
Almost got to speak to my sis but fate intervened and she was relieved of the burden by a brick throwing kid who took out the rear van window of her car in front of my house today. It was an accident. He missed the kid he was throwing the brick at. Just GREAT living in the city. sic.
Thank you all for sharing, I've read and reread these last few pages and really feel like we are sisters by virtue.
Connie
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Ahhh Connie....I love that line "sisters of virtue...." Yep, you said it best:)
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HAhahahahhdhahdhahdhhahahaha Annette, it was sisters "BY" virtue! ehheehheehhehehe
Sorry to laugh, as I know what you meant, but that was a funny one! Nothing virtuous about me by now...
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roflmao! you just made me LAUGH out loud-damn Barbe I LOVE YOU!!!!! I certainly ain't of virtue anything:)
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Barbe-I love your new picture!
Mary
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my mother was emotionally and verbally abusive to me til I left the house, I was not smart enough (if I got an A-, why wasn't it an A+, threatening to call Father Baker to come and get me (he was the founder of a Catholic orphanage - for years I had night terrors of a panel truck with a man in black trying to grab me), slapping my face, calling me all kinds of Italian profanity. My dad was my protector, but he had to work 2 jobs, so he was absent a lot. She never showed that side of her when my dad was in the house. My dad picked my godparents for me, his airforce buddy, they served in WWll together and were friends from then till the day they died, and his wife, my Aunt Teresa. She was wonderful, all the things my mother was not, I loved her dearly, she was my mom, my advisor, mentor and in later years my friend. We drove from Pittsburgh to Conneautville once, a 2 &1/2 hour drive, and were talking and laughing so much I kept circling Pittsburgh, it took us 7 hours to get home. She had breast cancer in 84, lung years later, and a melanoma as well as having to have most of her stomach removed due to cancer. She never complained, enjoyed everday and every person. A few weeks ago cancer was discovered in her lung, she died the Sunday before this Sunday. This damn disease takes the best from us, I am devastated by losing this "mom". She was 87 but until a month ago she and I would go shopping, she loved to get a deal, loved the process of shopping, and then treat ourselves to lunch. I will miss her so. I hate C$#*)&, we need a cure, all the things we can do and we can't cure this
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My Dad, who left my Mom when I was 11, died from his cancer three days before my 41st birthday, while I was bald and going through chemo.
At his service, his best friend of 20+ years who did his eulogy, got to the podium and started talking about my Dad and how the 'Mason' family wouldn't be the same without him. Then he said: "Speaking of family, I had no idea Keith had so many children. I only knew about his son, Scott."
That's nice....my Dad neglected to mention 5 of his 6 children to his best friend of 20 years.
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What a stupid eulogy!! I bet there was an uncomfortable silence after THAT was said!!
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Love your new pic!
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Hey today,
Saw the new BS. He said he didn't think that there was anything wrong with my breast. That it looked and felt exactly as it should being that I'm almost 4 years out. I said, well, it's swollen. and it was terribly swollen after the mammo 2weeks ago. It's gone down a lot but not all and it HURTS everyday. What is THAT about? if it's not LE and not scar tissue.
Welcome Ellen, sorry about your 'mom'. I lost my best friend to cancer and a year later my Dad. It's been very hard, but coming in here and having real friends helps.
Connie
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Traci, it was so good to talk with you. ALL OF THAT SUCKS!! Now, listen to my crap:
I am back! I have taken a long-ish break from these boards and I am back....prob haven't been here for a year and a half or so. Still recognize some of you, but have to confess I have spent the last two days reading what has happened since I left. And already can't wait to get to know you better.
Connie, I am amazed at your strength and perseverance and hope your family is getting a clue (hope that's not too direct)...Navy, I think you had just started posting here when I left but do remember you and occasionally miss my (now retired) government-worker-stories..but don't regret the retirement AT ALL...
I am well and almost finished with what has been an "I don't dissolve sutures and maybe this is an infection and there are wound healing issues and maybe we tried to do too much too soon so let's wait a year and see how it looks(year is up next month)" reconstruction...which overall I am happy with. Trying to sell our house for the past TWO YEARS is getting old...but again overall, life is good, I am happy (except for the friends dying part), and as I said, I am back!
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Karen ... so sorry about your 'real mom.'
Traci ... WTF! How could his best friend not know his children - in 20 years he never socialized with your family?
Connie ... did the new BS happen to mention the reason for the swelling? If not, see another one. I was seeing a PCP who never really did anything about any of my complaints. I changed PCPs and the new one immediately ordered x-rays and other tests. I'm tired of physicians who 'humor' the patient. Yes, I am getting older but had the first PCP bothered to do x-rays he would have realized that my left hip was bone on bone - no cartiledge left! That's way my hip, back and leg hurt so much. I need a hip replacement!
Sueper13 ... I kind of remember you too. Welcome back!
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Barbe - Love your new avatar!!!! You look younger in each new photo, do you want to share your anti-aging secret???
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Traci - How sad that your dad's best friend didn't know about you and your siblings.
I ran into an 'aunt' the other day at Wal-mart, (one of my dad's 1/2 sister) who did a double take and then proceeded to invite me to my Step Gram's 75th Birthday party next weekend. I had to call my dad, give him a physical description and ask what her name was.
My dads father remarried when my dad and his sister were in their teens, to a women not much older then them. They had 5 children together and my dad and his sister never really felt like he belonged. They were often excluded and my step gram just did not now how to 'mother' two children only a few years younger then her.
I met my dad when I was 11 and was sent to live with him less then a year later (long story). I was 14 the first time I met all his family. I can count on one hand the number of times I have been invited to an event with my dad's five 1/2 siblings, cousins, etc... and we have all lived in the same small rural town most our lives.
When I dated in High School I would always ask 'are you related to XXX family?' just because I did not want to accidentally date someone I was related to. My kids (16 and 12) have met their Step Gram one time (at my nephew's funeral in Oct 09 - DAMN Cancer!!!) and have never met the rest of the family. When I told them we were going to this party they asked why? I told them "so you can meet the cousin's you never knew you had, they could already be friends of yours or not. Either way, you need to know who NOT to date..."
At this stage I think both sides (my dad and his siblings) are too embarrassed about the whole situation and neither knows how to change the status quo. It just makes me sad that my dad felt so alone for most of his life, especially when he had so much family around him. My dad is a great man but he does have a problem reaching out to people.
I don't know why I felt compelled to tell this long story. I think I am just sad that I have missed out and my kids have missed out knowing these relatives better...
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Michelle ... it IS sad when families are split apart. I am so sorry your Dad felt isolated most of his life. I know wht that's like - I am the only one in my family to have my last name (my biological father's name). My Mother, too, remarried and had four more children. Hug your Dad for me please.
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Connie, did you have a mastectomy? I'm concerned for you my friend. Sorry if I should know this already, but you said 'new' BS, did you ditch the old one?
(((Sue)))!!! Glad you're back!
Family.... everyone has some kind of a story, don't they? Yea, that statement pretty much shocked everybody in the room. I had a conversation with that man afterwards when everyone was at my home-wrecking step-monster's house. I can't really remember what he said. It's just so pathetic, it seems unreal. Not surprising, Dad didn't leave us kids anything in his will.Whatever. Mom loves us and at least we weren't raised like that little girl that was on Oprah. Did anybody see that? The 'girl in the cage'? OMG....
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kmc - thank you! I hug my dad every time I see him and to this day I still call him Daddy because he just lights up when I do.
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Traci - No, I only had lumpectomy & rads. Recent mammo caused bad boob pain and pretty decent swelling but it's gone down now, took 3 weeks. Needed to follow up with BS after mammo but due to insurance carrier change and because old BS and I graduated high school in the same class (and she never gave me any options or discussed side effects of lump or rads). She also jumps to cut and that just scares the crap out of me. So, when my ins changed Feb. 1, I welcomed the opportunity to change BS. Just had to wait to get in to a new one. He said it looks exactly as it should that he did not think I have LE. Reckon that's good news!
I do have a lot of health issues, the current one being ongoing infections and herniated disks in cervical and lumbar spine. Seems i'm having either a UTI or severe sinus, now vaginal. Been on antiBs more than half of 2010 and this year doesn't look much better. I'm seeing my GYN and I trust him (30 years with him) and he's following me on the infections.
Thank you so much for caring. I'm so glad you are still working. That you did get a new job and have stuck with it. KUDOS to you!
Michelle - You told that story so well. I read it twice to understand. Wow, you've been through a lot. How did the thyroid ca get diagnosed? And will you have to take thyroid supplements forever? I had neck surgery, cut right about where the thyroid is but it was for my spine. I'm on levothyroxine now, after rads.
WHA SUX? $76/mo. for Tier 3 med that I cannot change!.
Connie
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Welcome back Sue, I thought you sold your house 2 years ago?
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Connie - when my onc would not authorized scans to confirm my NED status, I begged/borrowed to have a full body thermography scan done. The scan found disfunction in both the thyroid (cold) and caritod (hot). I was blessed in the fact that my GP took the advise of the radiologist who read my scan and ordered US for both. That's how we found the Thyca. It was VERY SMALL and VERY early stage. Without the thermography, it could have been months/years until the cancer would have been palapable. I only had the right half of my thyroid removed and am taking Armour to supplement but I am not sure if I am at the right dose since I have been tired lately and cannot seem to lose any weight...
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o2bhealthy, did you have thinning hair too, that was one of the signals of my thyroid being off. Now I have little grey and dark brown hairs sprouting from my part. I think I'm now on the right dosage of levothyroxin, it took awhile and I was freaking about the hair loss. Karen
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I haven't noticed any thinning hair but the grey streaks, I definitely notice those
My hair came back twice as thick as BFC so I guess I would have to lose alot of hair to notice any thinning. I am thinking about contacting my Endo to see if I should increase my dosage or have labs ran first. Have you looked into supplementing with iodine???
I have a big that sucks or the day. My Gpa had a bone scan and his cancer has spread to his bones. He is 89 and has lived a long life but I am just so damn sad that his last few months/years of his life will be spent fighting this damn disease!
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I have my blood tested for thyroid every 6 mos., more frequently when the numbers aren't right, I am going to be changing PCP in April and it will be interesting to see if 3.4 is good enough for her, studies I have read say 2.5. I pointed that out to my PCP now and just let me say he doesn't like his patients knowledgable. Haven't thought of supplementing with iodine due to the fact I am taking levothyroxin and didn't want it to interfere with that. I do follow the news on that thread. I am so sorry to hear of your grandpa, I just, 2 weeks ago, lost my godmother to cancer and know how you feel. She was 87 but I wasn't ready to lose her to this blasted disease. Karen
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Oh, that does suck about your grandpa. I think the older they get, the better and easier to talk to, most anyway. Dont expect my mom to be like that. But its so much nicer when they are at least pleasant. I will pray for his comfort.
I do levothyroxine too and have diabetes, so I get checked about every 3 or 4 months. .HOW DARE THEY NOT WANT US KNOWLEDGEABLE??... I would quickly change from that doc. I hate that because I WANT to know, ya know? and if they dont tell me, I'll be looking it up anyway. Ive had some ask if I work in medicine just because I understand and use some of the language. Um,, no.. I read a lot. is usually the response. I can't stand it when they dont want to talk about an issue, just dole out chemicals and expect blind guinea pig followers. I usually dont go back to that one. One time I wrote a nasty letter to a derm who was obviously intimidated by my rather large bosom with a nasty open rash. I can slam it in a letter. Much more trouble trying to confront, face to face.
~Connie
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