Im bitchy, I moan, I groan.....anyway.
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my 2cents worth...I had one dose of Avastin and Taxotere and ended up in the hospital for 8 days. Horrible reading your story..it makes you so afraid to be so sick. I am so sorry you had such a terrible time and hope you rest and recover today...and have a little strength to enjoy your weekend! Hugs~~
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you all rock- thanks....i am going to be fine...the arm and leg are tingly but I will go for a long walk later and see if that helps...I plan on resuming this instant the recovery I have been enjoying up to this point...just was scared...not going to work today, will use these three days to get in fighting form and since I can work from home, so much the better. I needed to know- just like Alice in Wonderland I guess...now that I do...well, next time I see the Onc, I will close my eyes and imagine it is the Mad Hatter....
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Posting an update to my earlier rant this week about my 22 year old son being pulled over for suspicion of DUI and having his car impounded. He was not drunk and passed the breathalizer test-2 times-but his car was impounded anyway. He just got a speeding ticket in the mail for the incident, which was kind of expected. He figured they were going to get him on something.....
Now on to contesting the impound.....
Mary
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I am glad they didnt try to get him on a DUI, esp with all that testing. Yep, I figured they would give him a ticket, they have to justify the pull over. I hope you are letting him do the talking. And guide but he should do the contesting too. Good way to learn the system, without heavy penalty.
I am so grumpy/fussy/bitchy today. My brother hurts my feelings really bad and seems to get some sort of pleasure out of it. He's never really liked me, I wish there was a way to stop caring what he thinks and says. I have always cared. Just thought that he would grow up before, well, just grow up. He's going to be 60 this year, so I suppose it will never change. Hurtful, mean man. And he doesn't treat anyone else like this. Just me and all my family.
Sorry to vent that, but I wrote him a mean letter today and didn't mail it at the request of my sister. She thinks I blow the flames up on things and he doesn't treat her in any way like he treats me. I've always felt like the wrong kid. The one who didn't live up to expectations. Esp by mom and my brother. Dad was always supportive of me but he passed away 6 years ago and since then the family has not held together very well. Now it's a matter of mom's care and guess who get's duty? of course, me.
This is way too heavy for a Friday night.
Connie
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Connie-
I'm sorry you are going through so much with your family. I know how it feels to be the child that everything gets blamed on. My brother, who was the "golden child" passed away several years ago, and in some ways that made it worse, some ways it made it better. I, too, am my parents' primary caregiver. Fortunately, they are still in pretty good health, they're just old.
For sure my son will be doing his own contesting and talking. He may hire a lawyer, but he's paying for it, not me.
Mary
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Annettek - Our diagnosis and treatment are almost the same except mine was Her+. I too questioned my ability to stay on the Arimidex. The pain in the legs and feet were almost unbearable. It took me 10 months for the initial pains to get to the point of having an almost normal life, not the pre-cancer normal. Still quite a bit of joint pain 3 years into it.
My onc sort of scared me into continuing to take it. I take a "vacation" every once in a while. No I don't tell him. Best of luck to you.
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Coonie, I may have you beat! After a prescription drug overdose (don't ask!) I woke up in ICU with my family having flown from across the country to be at my death bed. My older brother (lawyer) leaned over my bed and said "Thanks Bub, now I have to pay full fare!"
(For those that don't know, you can get a break on airfare if you have a death certificate from your flight to a family member.)
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I have a mean brother too. I just stopped communicating with him because its just not worth it. He always has to one-up me and is suspicious that I 'took things' before my mom died. I can't convince him otherwise, so I'm done with that toxic relationship. Oh Barbe, that was way mean!!!!!!!!!
Just because they're 'family' doesn't mean you have to endure their unkindness.
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There is a free podcast on I-tunes by Miller called PTSD and recovery from cancer. If you go looking for it and can't find it, let me know and I'll try to post some kind of a link.
I sent in my resume for 2 jobs and am terrified they will call me. I am very afraid that my lack of energy/confidence and high level of stress is going to affect my performance. I better go listen to some more podcasts !!!!!!!!! Has anyone else gone back to work at a new job? and how did it go? If I can't remember to buy groceries when I'm at the grocery store, how can I learn a new computer program? aghhhhhhhhhhhhhhh groaning and complaining~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
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geez barbe- i am glad you are still kicking after all you have been through....
still kickin....i admit i am totally gunshy now of any of them...will stick with the alternatives...
man, Connie...should have called me as last night and today Ihave been in a primo depressed angry pissed off place...i am totally nutso...and bascially told everyone to ***off....
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Ruth, just get you a little notebook and take good notes. That way you can go back and use them if you forget. I do it all the time when I start a new job. Not that I start a new job everytime I turn around, but have had a few in my lifetime. I've even been able to pass them on to others when I left so they could use them. I'm a good note taker. Put everything into easy to follow directions so that even a man(lol,lol) could follow them.
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tnbcruth - I was interviewed right after my dx, was hired a week before my BMX and started a new job during chemo. My new (now old) employer was very understanding, I only worked a few days a week until after chemo and then gradually increased to full-time after chemo was finished. I work in a insurance office, imagine the clients surprise when they walk in to pay a bill and there is this bald lady sitting behind the desk. It did take me longer to learn the new programs and it kept a little note book like Leisaparis suggested. It is scary but very doable.
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Connie, there was another thread on the boards that was very active and was titled: I sing, dance and love anyway. Or something like that. I would read the posts on that thread and just could not relate. Everybody was so happy and grateful and dancing..... I was so pissed off. I was mad about my cancer and everything it was doing to me. I was bald, (which I for one HATED and most certainly did not 'rock') gaining pounds by the second, had lost my business....everthing..sucked.... and hearing the words 'don't worry, everything happens for a reason, and will work out okay' just pissed me off even more. There was no way I was going to say how I felt on that thread. Feelings like that just didn't belong there. I just looked at the time I started this thread and it was after midnight, so I no doubt had a couple of glasses of wine in me, and subsequently had the nerve to bitch out loud. Little did I know, that so many girls would want to vent too, without someone with rose colored glasses (not that there's anything wrong with that) coming along and trying to get them to listen to Bob Marley's 'Everything's Gonna Be Alright'.
I'm sorry about your brother. That does suck.
Annettek, that is some story. I'm sorry you had that kind of reaction. I had to laugh at your husband trying to compare taking drugs in high school. Back then, I wouldn't hesitate to pop a pill, not knowing what it would do. You'd have to force feed me anything like that now.
Kathleen, the only kind of documentary that I can not watch, is those that profile the slaughter of animals. I'm a hyprocite, because I'm a meat eater, and buy leather shoes, but ..I can't watch that stuff and do not want to see pictures.
Ruth, I got, and somehow still have, a new job. If it were not for notes like Leisa mentioned, I could not do my job. My memory, is gone.
Well, it's another beautiful Saturday morning and once again, I've got to convince myself to get off the couch and do something. I miss my friends and family in Florida.
Hope everyone has as suck-free day as possible.
Hugs, Traci
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Well we are three hundred and sixty four pages into happily bitching, so thank you Traci for getting us started at midnight after a nice glass of wine. Ya' want a little cheese to go with that 'whine', is one of my fav sayings 0
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Traci ... I love this thread. I, too, am not happy about all that has gone on in my life and my health sucks. What I meant is that the sister who sent this email out is wealthy, wealthy, wealthy and her hypocrisy is galling. She's the mean sister (my brother is pretty cool). She knows no boundaries and doesn't mind embarrassing you in front of an audience. She feels that she is perfect and has the right, therefore, to run everyone's life. The rest of the family feels the same way pretty much except the sister I live with - she used to live with the 'perfect' one who treated her so badly that one of her friends didn't speak to her for two years because of how she treated our other sister! Now, apparently, they are best friends. Go figure.
Barbe ... was that supposed to be a lame joke by your brother? That's really cold. I am so grateful you are still around and kicking! What would we do without your common sense and great dry sense of humor.
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Well, my sister is the one who told me I didn't have the "bad" kind of cancer because I didn't have to have chemo. No, but I had a double mast! I told her ALL breast cancer is bad and now she hasn't emailed me for over 3 months. (She's mad at me, and she used to be a nurse!!) My brother wasn't joking. He is a multi-millionare lawyer in Vancouver, B.C. and got that way being cheap!
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AWW Barbe that just SUCKS It's so unfair. yeah, yeah, nobody ever said life was fair. But for family members to be so opposite in everything. Makes you wonder which ones were adopted. Like your brother always told you that you were the one that was adopted when he looks nothing like the parents. Unfortunately, greed and immaturity seem to go together.
By unfair, I mean for one member of a core family to become so ridiculously successful and then theres us. The unfortunate grown up kid who didn't do as well. And they don't offer anything that could make your life easier. Does he even know how hard you and your DH are struggling? Barbe, and your sister is a nurse? Mine too. And she can't understand why I can't just Get Over It. But for my brother to convince my mother that I... I... am a liar and to realize that, OH. maybe that's the reason she has ignored my last 3 birthdays and my DH's, but for her to ignore my kids birthdays and not even offer to help out with groceries or shoes for the baby. All because of my idiot, selfish brother's opinion from something that happened AT MOMS and he wasn't even there. It's just wrong. I am not a liar. And I've been the one that mom calls for any little or big need. This week I understood that she is treating me like I'm the unpaid hired help. And I'm not going to let it go. I'm going to call her on it and It doesn't matter if shes 81. The reason I hired help for her is because she's targeted me for years as the one kid who gets blamed and gets verbally bashed. It's TOXIC. Thanks Ruth for the right word. It is toxic and it's so sad, painful really to be in her home. And she has plenty of money. Shoes for your great grand daughter?? I asked her to help because the baby-daddy hasn't paid child support since August and we are struggling to buy groceries.
Wrong, wrong, wrong. I know what the commandments say about honoring your parents. But does that mean I have to honor her when she is judgemental, spiteful, conniving, and WRONG? How can a parent be honored when they act like a child, AND treat me like a convicted felon? This is NOT NEW either. It's not because she's old or has whatever illness. She's always been this way. I realized a few years back that my bro is JUST like MOM. THAT'S why they can't get along with each other except on the phone. And they both blame ME. I am just floored by a conversation I had with her this week. I called to ask if the new help was satisfactory. I almost didn't make the call because she blindsides me with her words. And she did it again. I cried all day, into the night and made everyone here walk by me on eggshells. And I'm NOT going to do that again. I'm 57 and I don't have to put myself in her strike zone ever again. And as far as my bro is concerned. He can drop off the planet right now. except for the drafted letters I wrote and never sent he has dropped the nuclear bomb on our "relationship".
And I have tried, all my life, to get along with him. He turns on me like a snake. I'm so angry I just don't know what to do with it. revenge isn't in my mind usually bur right now I'd like to pull the checkbook out from under him and see how strong he is. And I will write to our cousins and let them know that he's done it again. Just so everyone knows exactly what kind of man he is.
sorry to rant so early. This has been hanging on me all week. Sibling relationships are always complicated. I truly had hoped that we would be friendly by now, but obviously that's never going to happen and I hope my mourning of it's loss is getting over cause it makes me sick.
Mom and Bro are both toxic to me and I can't let it continue. THANK you for all the support. I needed it.
Connie
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Connie, do yourself a favour. Don't get the cousins involved! He's probably already set it up for them to expect a "rant" from you as you're "crazy" or something. You'll fall right into his trap!!!
I asked my brother if he would do a mortgage for us when we moved in October. He said it was too high a risk! WTF????? We've never reneged on a mortgage, what an insult!!!! So now it costs me $500 MORE per month than I really have to spend as I am doing it on my own (my DH doesn't work) and can't get a preferred rate.
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Yeah, of course you are right. They know how he is. They've told him directly how abusive he was to me, growing up. He denys it, but they saw it. There are 6 of us (cousins) that have always been close. They also know how ugly Mom can be to all of us at times, but surprisingly so towards me. I just don't understand. Guess I never will. Never have, been in therapy for it for years but they are still there treating me this way. I had an ally in Dad and pretty sure Mom resented that too. Can you tell I'm the middle child?
I don't want to drown in it and I don't want to cry about it, but it hurts so much. Down to my core, you know? Now, I question the opinion of my sister, who has always tried to keep things civil. I need to talk to her before I take any of this any further. Get some serious understanding, see if I can get some truth out of her, see where she stands and let her know how I feel about it. I'm pretty sure she would rather not discuss it. She likes to ignore things til they go away. Not exactly supportive.
Mom had bc. She was treated like the golden goose. 5 years later, I was dx and she said, been there, done that. Even MY bc was all about her. in 2000 when I was dx with diabetes, she said well, what'd you expect you're FAT. 5 years later she was dx with diabetes and now it's all about her. The oddity in this is that my poor, long-suffering father put up with her for our sake for decades. He should have left her demanding, dependent, critical bitch a long time ago. Some friends say, you need to give her some slack. I have. She stomps all over it and beams happy for doing so even BRAGS about it. I'm just not like that and they KNOW IT. "You're gonna miss her when she's gone". REALLY?, maybe you will miss her and maybe I will too but not the same way.
I just don't have words for how that makes me feel. Here come some more involuntary tears. I have a hard time believing that they feel so negative about me for things others have done. Like I have any control over what mom does, or my kid, or my other kid and even the ex-Son-IL. They are all adults. I don't plot with them to get mom to give them things or money. Brother thinks I'm a conspirator to suck mom dry. That is so off.
Sure does help to write it out where he won't ever read it. I'm not trying to bring anyone in here down. I would like to move to another state where the air is fresh and it would be a long LONG ride for anyone to visit. I need a secluded cabin in the mountains. Let bro and sis take care of Mom. It's way too hurtful for me.
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Connie,
You need to let it go or it will eat away at you.
Middle child here too - mother the same way
did the therapist route for a while and always said what a great guy my dad was
one day she said- well why didnt he stand up for u?
lol
anyway - i ignore it all now
i have grandchildren that need me and love me - the lights in my life
ignoring my mothers idiocity was the best thing i decided to do
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Hey, my mom and sibs watched as my dad beat ME up. Just me. 3rd child. Why? Because I would cry.........
Years ago when we were in our late 30's they talked about it with me there and said they felt guilty when I got beaten. My heart lightened for a second and I thought 'maybe...?'. What they meant, they clarified, is that they felt guilty because they were glad it wasn't them!!! 10 years later I asked them why they never helped me. My sister dismissed me by saying "We were just children too." At least my DH got to hear the stories from them, so he knew I wasn't exaggerating.
When my dad was dying, he introduced me to his palliative nurse as "my daughter, the mouth". Hurt? You bet. Still does. Fu#4ing a$$hole.
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Connie, Barbe...So sorry you had to put up with that as children. No child should have to go through that.
Connie-You definitely don't need to go through it as an adult. It does sound like a very toxic relationship. For your own safety & sanity, cut all ties with your mother & brother. It doesn't have to be your problem anymore. Let them deal only with each other. You have your own family to worry about.
I do not know how any parent can treat their child like that. I was closer to my father ( middle child as well ). He was killed when I was @ 13. I love my mother, but we were never as close as my father & I were. My older sister & my mother are very close. My younger sister & I are more alike. My poor brother was stuck in the middle with me.
Connie, IMHO, if I were you. I would pretend they were no longer a part of your life. Let them deal with each other. Take care of yourself, your husband, your children & grandchildren. They are your immediate family and deserve your attention. Anyone who is as toxic as your mother & brother, DOES NOT deserve to be a part of your life. You need to take care of YOU. Make YOU happy.
(((HUGS to you both)))
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Thanks for the support gals. I'm so sorry for your pain too. Wonder why I haven't been able to let this baggage go - YET. It's been time for many years and I've allowed it to continue.
it's harder to do than to say. Maybe I'll look for some book to enlighten me further. Enabling the abusive parent. how to let your family steamroll you. Rather. how to AVOID letting them do that.
When put in the perspective of serious damage, I haven't had it all THAT bad, but it sure is heavy to bear. Thanks for listening to me rant today. It's been festering since Thursday. Bubbling for decades. I've rarely let it boil over.
oops... battery dying. gotta go recharge.
Love you girls, thanks! Connie
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Well the EMOTIONAL abuse in my opinion is just as bad as the physical. I didn't really have that much physical abuse (1st husband) as I did the emotional. He gave me both. I decided when the kids were little (both from 1st marriage) that they deserved a better life than that. So I left. He kept trying to get back into my life, but I didn't let him. He still to this day is a worthless piece of shit. Drug abuser, drinks, has been in and out of jail many, many times. We are all better off since I made that choice. It was scary at first, but I'm so glad I did it.
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As mentioned, I had to let toxic family members go, and honestly, as time goes on, it gets easier. Your life is more pleasant when you aren't their whipping boy. The reality of this situation is hurtful, but just blandly phase yourself out of their lives. No reasoning with them, so don't bother. You will NEVER have them acknowledge your point to your satisfaction. Again, the hurt will fairly quickly diminish.....never go away because the desire to be valued and loved is always there, but you'll need to give and get that from the people closest to your heart.
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tnbcRuth ... amen. I know the pain of emotional and physical abuse from my stepfather and have spent most of my life angry and hurt and trying to recreate a loving family. Stupid.
Connie and Barb ... I also have a multi-millonaire sibling who resents every penny she give anyone and holds it over your head as "you owe me." Yes, she could have made life easier but she preferred to spend her money on herself. I don't resent her success but I do resent the way she sees the rest of her siblings (except the sister I live with) and do little or nothing. When my niece call begging for $2000 to pay her tuition she told her she was "tapped out." Must have been a bad day in the stock market!
I try to cut her out of my life but it is difficult living with my sister. They are the best of friends and she keeps asking me why I don't like our youngest sister. My health has been so bad lately I can also use that as an excuse for staying home. She is toxic and not just b ecause she is cheap. She feels (for some reason I have not been able to fathom) that she has the right to tell everyone how they should live their lives. She is perfect. She is always right. She has no boundaries - nothing is over the top for her. She is the one who brought her new boyfriend to the hospital the day after my heart had stopped and I was airlifted to a cardiac center. She is also the one that wanted to bring her current boyfriend and his family over the day I got out of the hospital after having a double mastectomy! Urrrrrrrrrrrr I could just scream.
Thanks for letting me rant - I am so sorry you all have similar problems.
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My 77 year old friend made a statement that I resented at first, but always remind myself of:
As a child, you are a victim, as an adult you are a volunteer.
Think about it, it's pretty brutal, but helps you move on, somewhat.
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Barbe, Connie and KM...I am hugging that little girl you were with all of my heart.
@!
When i was in vegas I almost got my own ass beat when a drunk started wailing verbally on her son (maybe 10 -12 years old). I lost it...i asked if him and his sister were ok and then the mom started acting all lovey dovey to him and said they are the best kids ...i ignored her and wondered what I could do at midnight on the strip with thousands of people walking around about this asshole sipping out of a yard long plastic cup around her neck screaming horrific crap at her kids...I did not want to do anything that would make it worse for the kids but the boy looked so damn scared it killed me.(listen, I know we all have lost it with our kids at one time or another but this was beyond what you could imagine what was pouring out of her mouth) I told him what a good guy he was walking with his mom and sister, anything I could think of to keep her off screaming at him..I dind't know what else to do as she was completely zoned out so I ran into walgreens and asked them to call the cops...they looked at me like i was a freak and said cops won't come for that...i ran back outside and of course lameo was still out there drinking and shouting at him again..but then she stopped when she saw me...my NEW FRIEND...and started talking about her wonderful kids again...serious schizo...my sister is dragging me away because i am ready to take this woman out (all five feet of me ) and there was nothing I could do..the little boy said it is ok ma'am...really, it is ok, thanks, you can go......i got it...it would be worse on them if I kept up...but at least he knew somebody came to his defense...so the drunk followed us to our car still chatting away like we were having tea with the queen and I turned (even knowing you cannot argue with a drunk ever) and said if you love those kids so damn much how about putting the booze down. and got in the car. My sister hopped in and said gee thanks for the leaving me in bullet range..for the broad did not like that comment at all and apparently told me to go *(&^ myself and that I was )(*_(&()*^*...at least I got her focus off her kid. She was still screaming at me as we drove off. NOw I don't know if i made it worse. I still feel horrible wondering about those kids. I think about them all the time. It sucks. What is their life? Was that just one bad night? I hope so but I don't think so because she was saying some very foul stuff to him. I tried to put every ounce of caring I had when I looked at him and maybe, just maybe it helped. I dunno. It sucks. People who terrorize kids suck. It makes me crazy. And the sickest thing is this was all playing out on one of the busiest streets in the country. Nobody else said a word. WTF>?! this is one thing that didn't stay in vegas. i wish i could help him and his sister:(and i can't
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Annette! You made me cry! That little girl IS still in me, hoping to be loved.....
Your actions in Vegas is why I can't go to certain countries in the world as I'd get myself thrown in jail or stoned to death! I cannot stand violence. But I do hate when people say they are violent because THEY were treated that way. That's just bullshit! I was physically and verbally abused and I never did that to my kids. Ever!
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Annette... that story took me back to my childhood. Sometimes when I look through pictures of myself back when I was that child I wonder why no one loved that little girl.
Barbe ... that's the real reason I never had children - I was terrified I might verbally or physically hurt them.
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