M0mmy you're on a roll
I just got those today from a couple of friends.
What did the buffalo say when his son left for college?Bison!
EXCERPTS FROM A DOG'S DIARY
Day number 180 8:00 am - OH BOY! DOG FOOD! MY FAVORITE! 9:30 am - OH BOY! A CAR RIDE! MY FAVORITE! 9:40 am - OH BOY! A WALK! MY FAVORITE! 10:30 am - OH BOY! A CAR RIDE! MY FAVORITE! 11:30 am - OH BOY! DOG FOOD! MY FAVORITE! 12:00 noon - OH BOY! THE KIDS! MY FAVORITE! 1:00 pm OH BOY! THE YARD! MY FAVORITE! 4:00 pm - OH BOY! THE KIDS! MY FAVORITE! 5:00 PM - OH BOY! DOG FOOD! MY FAVORITE! 5:30 PM - OH BOY! MOM! MY FAVORITE!
Day number 181 8:00 am - OH BOY! DOG FOOD! MY FAVORITE! 9:30 am - OH BOY! A CAR RIDE! MY FAVORITE! 9:40 am - OH BOY! A WALK! MY FAVORITE! 10:30 am - OH BOY! A CAR RIDE! MY FAVORITE! 11:30 am - OH BOY! DOG FOOD! MY FAVORITE! 12:00 noon - OH BOY! THE KIDS! MY FAVORITE! 1:00 pm OH BOY! THE YARD! MY FAVORITE! 4:00 pm - OH BOY! THE KIDS! MY FAVORITE! 5:00 PM - OH BOY! DOG FOOD! MY FAVORITE! 5:30 PM - OH BOY! MOM! MY FAVORITE!
Day number 182 8:00 am - OH BOY! DOG FOOD! MY FAVORITE! 9:30 am - OH BOY! A CAR RIDE! MY FAVORITE! 9:40 am - OH BOY! A WALK! MY FAVORITE! 10:30 am - OH BOY! A CAR RIDE! MY FAVORITE! 11:30 am - OH BOY! DOG FOOD! MY FAVORITE! 12:00 noon - OH BOY! THE KIDS! MY FAVORITE! 1:00 pm OH BOY! THE YARD! MY FAVORITE! 1:30 pm - ooooooo. bath. bummer. 4:00 pm - OH BOY! THE KIDS! MY FAVORITE! 5:00 PM - OH BOY! DOG FOOD! MY FAVORITE! 5:30 PM - OH BOY! MOM! MY FAVORITE
EXCERPTS FROM A CAT'S DIARY
DAY 752 - My captors continue to taunt me with bizarre little dangling objects. They dine lavishly on fresh meat, while I am forced to eat dry cereal. The only thing that keeps me going is the hope of escape, and the mild satisfaction I get from ruining the occasional piece of furniture...Tomorrow I may eat another houseplant.
DAY 761 - Today my attempt to kill my captors by weaving around their feet while they were walking almost succeeded, must try this at the top of the stairs. In an attempt to disgust and repulse these vile oppressors,I once again induced myself to vomit on their favorite chair...must try this On their bed.
DAY 765 - Decapitated a mouse and brought them the headless body in attempt to make them aware of what I am capable of, and to try to strike fear into their hearts. They only cooed and condescended about what a good little cat I was... Not working according to plan.
DAY 768 - I am finally aware of how sadistic they are. For no good reason I was chosen for the water torture. This time however it included a burning foamy chemical called "shampoo." What sick minds could invent such a liquid. My only consolation is the piece of thumb still LODGED between my teeth.
DAY 771 - There was some sort of gathering of their accomplices. I was placed in solitary throughout the event, however, I could hear the noise and smell the foul odor of the glass tubes they call "beer." More importantly I overheard that my confinement was due to MY power of "allergies." Must learn what this is and how to use it to my advantage.
DAY 774 - I am convinced the other captives are flunkies and maybe snitches. The dog is routinely released and seems more than happy to return. He is obviously a half-wit. The bird on the other hand has got to be an informant, and he speaks with them regularly. I am certain he reports my activities. Due to his current placement in the metal room his safety is assured. But I can wait, it is only a matter of time...
Oh, this is great!
Gotthat onefrom myniece.
The Chief was bragging to the Captain one day. "You know, I know everyone there is to know. Just name someone, anyone and I know them."
Tired of his boasting, the Captain called his bluff, "Okay, Chief, how about Chuck Norris?""Sure, yes, Chuck and I are old friends and I can prove it."So they fly out to Hollywood and knock on Chuck Norris' door and sure enough, Chuck Norris, shouts, "Chief!! Great to see you! You and your friend come right in and join me for lunch!"Although impressed, the Captain is still skeptical. After they leave Norris' house, he tells the Chief that he thinks his knowing Norris was just lucky. "No, no, just name anyone else," the Chief says. "President Bush, the Captain quickly retorts.""Yep I know him, let's fly out to Washington."So, off they go. At the White House, Bush spots them on the tour and motions them over, saying, "Chief, what a surprise. I was just on my way to a meeting, but you and that Captain come on in and let's catch up."Well, the Captain is very shaken by now, but still not totally convinced.After they leave the White House grounds, he expresses his doubts to the Chief, who again implores him to name anyone else."The new Pope," the Captain replies. "Sure, I've known the Pope a long time." So, off they fly to Rome. They're assembled with the masses in Vatican Square when the Chief says, "This will never work. I can't catch the Pope's eye among all these people. Tell you what, I know all the guards, so let me just go upstairs and I'll come out on the balcony with the Pope." He disappears into the crowd headed toward St. Peter's. Sure enough, half an hour later, the Chief emerges with the Pope on the balcony.But, by the time he returns, he finds that the Captain has had a heart attack and is surrounded by paramedics.Working his way to his side, the Chief asks the Captain, what happened to him.The Captain looks up and says, "I was doing fine until you and The Pope came out on the balcony and the tourist next to me asked, 'Who's that on the balcony next to the Chief.'"
MOmmy, you are on a roll.
THIS HEADQUARTERS REQUIRES NO PHYSICAL FITNESS PROGRAM.
Everyone here gets enough exercise:
Jumping to conclusions;Flying off the handle;Carrying things too far;Dodging responsibilities; andPushing their luck.
The tactful Sergeant...
The Captain called the Sergeant in. "Sarge, I just got a telegram that Private Jones' mother died yesterday. Better go tell him and send him in to see me."
So the Sergeant calls for his morning formation and lines up all the troops. "Listen up, men," says the Sergeant. "Johnson, report to the mess hall for KP. Smith, report to Personnel to sign some papers. The rest of you men report to the Motor Pool for maintenance. Oh by the way, Jones, your mother died, report to the commander."
Later that day the Captain called the Sergeant into his office. "Hey, Sarge, that was a pretty cold way to inform Jones his mother died. Couldn't you be a bit more tactful, next time?"
"Yes, sir," answered the Sarge.
A few months later, the Captain called the Sergeant in again with, "Sarge, I just got a telegram that Private McGrath's mother died. You'd better go tell him and send him in to see me. This time be more tactful."
So the Sergeant calls for his morning formation. "Ok, men, fall in and listen up. Everybody with a mother, take two steps forward. NOT SO FAST, McGrath!"
Artery -- Study of paintings
Bacteria -- Back door of cafeteria
Barium -- What doctors do when treatment failsBowel -- Letter like A.E.I.O.UCaesarean section -- District in RomeCat scan -- Searching for kittyCauterize -- Made eye contact with herColic -- Sheep dogComa -- A punctuation markCongenital -- FriendlyD&C -- Where Washington isDiarrhea -- Journal of daily eventsDilate -- To live longEnema -- Not a friendFester -- QuickerFibula -- A small lieG.I. Series -- Soldiers' ball gameGrippe -- SuitcaseHangnail -- CoathookImpotent -- Distinguished, well knownIntense pain -- Torture in a teepeeLabor pain -- Got hurt at workMedical staff -- Doctor's caneMorbid -- Higher offerNitrate -- Cheaper than day rateNode -- Was aware ofOutpatient -- Person who had faintedPelvis -- Cousin of ElvisPost operative -- Letter carrierProtein -- Favoring young peopleRectum -- It almost killed himRecovery room -- Place to do upholsteryRheumatic -- AmorousScar -- Rolled tobacco leafSecretion -- Hiding anythingSeizure -- Roman emperorSerology -- Study of knighthoodTablet -- Small tableTerminal illness -- Sickness at airportTibia -- Country in North AfricaTumor -- An extra pairUrine -- Opposite of you're outVaricose -- Located nearbyVein -- Conceited
Okay, I am blond so I can tell dumb blond jokes!
A girl was tired about dumb blonde jokes at work. So one night she went home and memorized all of the capitals of all of the states. The next day she went to work and told the guys about it. She said test me, I know them all.
One of the guys asked "Okay, what is the captiol of Wisconsin?" She immediately replied "W".
My niece sent this one to me yesterday and I just about fell out of my chair from laughing so hard
But you don't look sick.
You don't look stupid.............I guess looks can be deceptive!
Lol. This would have been my response:
Why are side effects never things like, even on 4 hrs sleep you wake up looking gorgeous with lots of energy and fabulous hair?? They are side effects I could handle.
Very Important Colonel
Having just moved into his new office, a pompous, new colonel was sitting at his desk when a PFC knocked on the door.
Conscious of his new position, the colonel quickly picked up the phone, told the PFC to enter, then said into the phone, "Yes, General, I'll be seeing him this afternoon and I'll pass along your message. In the meantime, thank you for your good wishes, sir."
Feeling as though he had sufficiently impressed the young enlisted man, he asked, "What do you want?"
"Nothing important, sir," the PFC replied, "I'm just here to hook up your telephone."
Spellcheck Errors are the worst - I sent a text to my husband - it was supposed to say , "I put chicken in the crockpot for dinner" - Spellcheck said, "I put children in the crockpot for dinner" - He was in a meeting and busted up laughing and telling everyone in the meeting... - Got a message back from him, "Were they being bad?"
How to Bathe the Cat
Dear Cat Owner,
Following are instructions on the best way to bathe your cat:
1. Thoroughly clean the toilet.
2. Add the required amount of shampoo to the toilet water, and have both lids lifted.
3. Obtain the cat and soothe him while you carry him towards the bathroom.
4. In one smooth movement, put the cat in the toilet and close both lids (you may need to stand on the lid so that he cannot escape). CAUTION: Don't get any part of your body too close to the edge, as his paws will be reaching out to grab anything they can find. The cat will self-agitate and make ample suds. Never mind the noises that come from your toilet, the cat is actually enjoying this.
5. Flush the toilet 3 or 4 times. This provides a "powerwash and rinse" which I have found to be quite effective.
6. Have someone open the door to the outside and ensure that there are no people between the toilet and the outside door.
7. Stand behind the toilet as far as you can, and quickly lift both lids.
8. The now-clean cat will rocket out of the toilet and run outside where he will dry himself.
I think my furbaby wanted my attention at my workstation:
2017: A smooth sea never made a good sailor.
Here is a list of 25 things that cat-lovers know, but won't admit.- An aquarium is just interactive television for cats.- Anything on the ground is a cat toy. Anything not there yet, will be.- Dogs do what you tell them to do. Cats take a message and get back to you.- Buy a dog a toy and it will play with it for ever. Buy a cat a present and it will play with the wrapper for 10 minutes.- A cat's motto is no matter what you've done wrong, always try to make it look like the dog did it.- A cat bites the hand that won't feed it fast enough.- Cats are rather delicate creatures and they are subject to a good many ailments, but I never heard of one who suffered from insomnia.- Cats are smarter than dogs. You can't get eight cats to pull a sled through snow.- Cats aren't clean, they're just covered with cat spit.- Cats don't hunt seals. They would if they knew what they were and where to find them. But they don't, so that's all right.- Cats instinctively know the exact moment their owners will wake up. Then they wake them 10 minutes sooner.- Cats know what we feel. They don't care, but they know.- Cats seem to go on the principle that it never does any harm to ask for what you want.- Dogs have owners. Cats have staff.- Dogs believe they are human. Cats believe they are God.- I had to get rid of my wife. The cat was allergic.- I have studied many philosophers and many cats. The wisdom of cats is infinitely superior.- In a cat's eye, all things belong to cats.- On the Internet, nobody knows you're a cat.- One cat just leads to another.- People that hate cats will come back as mice in their next life.- Some people say that cats are sneaky, evil, and cruel. It's all true, and they have many other fine qualities as well.- There are many intelligent species in the universe. They are all owned by cats.- When I wash the cat, it takes me hours to get the hair off my tongue.- You can always tell a cat, but you can't tell him much.
Puns for Educated Minds
1. The fattest knight at King Arthur's round table was Sir Cumference. He acquired his size from too much pi. 2. I thought I saw an eye doctor on an Alaskan island, but it turned out to be an optical Aleutian. 3. She was only a whiskey maker, but he loved her still. 4. A rubber band pistol was confiscated from algebra class, because it was a weapon of math disruption. 5. No matter how much you push the envelope, it'll still be stationery.6. A dog gave birth to puppies near the road and was cited for littering.7. A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart. 8. Two silk worms had a race. They ended up in a tie. 9. A hole has been found in the nudist camp wall. The police are looking into it.10. Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.11. Atheism is a non-prophet organization.12. Two hats were hanging on a hat rack in the hallway. One hat said to the other: 'You stay here; I'll go on a head.' 13. I wondered why the baseball kept getting bigger. Then it hit me. 14. A sign on the lawn at a drug rehab center said: 'Keep off the Grass.' 15. The midget fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large. 16. The soldier who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran.17. A backward poet writes inverse. 18. In a democracy it's your vote that counts. In feudalism it's your count that votes. 19. When cannibals ate a missionary, they got a taste of religion. 20. If you jumped off the bridge in Paris , you'd be in Seine . 21. A vulture boards an airplane, carrying two dead raccoons. The stewardess looks at him and says, 'I'm sorry, sir, only one carrion allowed per passenger.' 22. Two fish swim into a concrete wall. One turns to the other and says 'Dam!' 23. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in the craft. Unsurprisingly it sank, proving once again that you can't have your kayak and heat it too. 24. Two hydrogen atoms meet. One says, 'I've lost my electron.' The other says 'Are you sure?' The first replies, 'Yes, I'm positive.'25. Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused Novocain during a root canal? His goal: transcend dental medication. 26. There was the person who sent ten puns to friends, with the hope that at least one of the puns would make them laugh. No pun in ten did.
Aircraft MaintenanceThese are purportedly from actual military maintenance forms filed by the flight crews to inform the maintenance crews of problems with the aircraft.It was working a moment ago...Problem: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.Solution: Almost replaced left inside main tire.Problem: Test flight OK, except autoland very rough.Solution: Autoland not installed on this aircraft.Problem: #2 Propeller seeping prop fluid.Solution 1: #2 Propeller seepage normal. #1,#3, and #4 propellers lack normal seepage.Problem: The autopilot doesn't.Solution: IT DOES NOW.Problem: Something loose in cockpit.Solution: Something tightened in cockpit.Problem: Evidence of hydraulic leak on right main landing gear.Solution: Evidence removed.Problem: Number three engine missing.Solution: Engine found on right wing after brief search.Problem: DME volume unbelievably loud.Solution: Volume set to more believable level.Problem: Dead bugs on windshield.Solution: Live bugs on order.Problem: Autopilot in altitude hold mode produces a 200 fpm descent.Solution: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.Problem: IFF inoperative.Solution: IFF inoperative in OFF mode.Problem: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.Solution: That's what they're there for.
Moved to our new home in the country. It is so beautiful here. The mountains are so majestic. Can hardly wait to see them with snow covering them. I love it here.
The country is the most beautiful place on Earth. The leaves are turned all colors and shades of red and orange. Went for a ride through the beautiful mountains and saw some deer. They are so graceful, certainly they are the most wonderful animal on earth. This must be Paradise. I love it here.
Deer season will start soon. I can't imagine anyone wanting to kill such a gorgeous creature. Hope it will snow soon. I love it here.
It snowed last night. Woke up to find everything blanketed with white. It looks like a postcard. We went outside and cleaned the snow off the steps and shoveled the driveway. We had a snowball fight (I won), and when the snow-plow came by, we had to shovel the driveway again. What a beautiful place. I love the country.
More snow last night. I love it. The snow-plow did his trick again to the driveway. I love it here.
More snow last night. Couldn't get out of the driveway to get to work. I am exhausted from shoveling. Stupid snow-plow.
More of that white crap fell last night. I've got blisters on my hands from shoveling. I thing the snow-plow hides around the curve and waits until I'm done shoveling the driveway. Jerk!
Merry Stinking Christmas! More friggen snow. If I ever get my hands on that son-of-a-turkey who drives that snow-plow, I swear I'll kill the toad. Don't know why they don't use more salt on the roads to melt the flipping ice.
More white crap last night. Been inside for three days except for shoveling out the driveway after that snow-plow goes through every time. Can't go anywhere, car's stuck in a mountain of white crap. The weatherman says to expect another 10" of the crap again tonight. Do you know how many shovels full of snow 10" is?
The idiot weatherman was wrong. We got 34" of that white stuff this time. At this rate it won't melt before next summer. The snow-plow got stuck up the road and that butthead came to the door and asked to borrow my shovel. After I told him I had broken six shovels already shoveling all the crap he pushed into my driveway, I broke my last one over his moronic head.
Finally got out of the house today. Went to the store to get food and on the way back a damned deer ran in front of the car and I hit it. Did about $3,000 damage to the car. Those flipping beasts should be killed. Wish the hunters had killed them all last November.
Took the car to the garage in town. Would you believe the thing is rusting out from that fracking salt they put all over the road?
Moved to the beach. I can't imagine why anyone in their right mind would ever live in the country.