Smiles, Chuckles, and Quick Laughs
Comments
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A drunk staggers into a Catholic Church,
enters a confessional booth, sits down, but says nothing.
The Priest coughs a few times to get his
attention but the drunk continues to s it there.
Finally, the Priest pounds three times on the wall.
The drunk mumbles, "ain't no use knockin,
there's no paper on this side either!"
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Two twin boys are in school on the first day........................the teacher starts to ask the kids their names, and when she gets to the one twin she says...................well son, what is your name..............he answers.............my names Pissy . .............she gets angry,and asks again............he repeats himself and says...............my names Pissy..................................finally she takes a piece of paper, writes something on it, hands it to the boy, and says "take this home, and tell your Mother to write your proper name on it, and bring it back............................the kid says "ok, then turns to his brother, and says . ............you may as well come too "Shitty", cause she's not gonna believe yo either .................................
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Magic Beer
A lady walks into a bar and sees a really good-looking guy sitting at the bar by himself. She goes over and asks him what he is drinking.
"Magic beer", he says.
She thinks he's a little crazy, so she walks around the bar, but after realizing that there is no one else worth talking to, goes back to the man sitting at the bar and says, "That isn't really magic beer, is it?"
"Yes, I'll show you." He takes a drink of the beer, jumps out the window, flies around the building three times and comes back in the window.
The lady can't believe it: "I bet you can't do that again."
He takes another drink of beer, jumps out the window, flies around the building three times, and comes back in the window.
She is so amazed that she says she wants a magic beer, so the guy says to the bartender, "Give her one of what I'm having."
She gets her drink, takes a gulp of the beer, jumps out the window, plummets 30 stories, breaks every bone in her body, and dies.
The bartender looks up at the guy and says, "You know, Superman, you're a real asshole when you're drunk.
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Here is something for the season.
The Hotel is Full ----
A Jewish lady named Mrs. Rosenberg many years ago was stranded late one night at a fashionable resort - one that did not admit Jews. The desk clerk looked down at his book and said, "Sorry, no room. The hotel is full."
Mrs Rosenberberg said, 'But your sign says that you have vacancies.'
The desk clerk stammered and then said curtly, ' You know that we do not admit Jews. Now if you will try the other side of town . . . '
Mrs Rosenberg stiffened noticeable and said, " I'll have you know I converted to your religion."
The desk clerk said, "Oh, yeah, let me give you a little test. How was Jesus born?'
Mrs Rosenberg replied, 'He was born to a virgin named Mary in a little town called Bethlehem.'
'Very good,' replied the hotel clerk. 'Tell me more.'
Mrs Rosenberg replied, 'he was born in a manger.'
'That's right,' said the hotel clerk. 'And why was he born in a manger?'
Mrs Rosenberg said loudly, "Because a jerk like you in the hotel wouldn't give a Jewish lady a room for the night!'
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hahaha! Thanks for a good chuckle ladies!
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HOW TO START A FIGHT
One year, I decided to buy my mother-in-law a cemetery plot as
a Christmas gift...
The next year, I didn't buy her a gift.
When she asked me why, I replied,
"Well, you still haven't used the gift I bought you last year!"
And that's how the fight started.....
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My wife and I were watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire while
we were in bed.
I turned to her and said, 'Do you want to have Sex?'
'No,' she answered. I then said,
'Is that your final answer?'
She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying, 'Yes..'
So I said, "Then I'd like to phone a friend."
And that's when the fight started...
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I took my wife to a restaurant.
The waiter, for some reason, took my order first.
"I'll have the rump steak, rare, please."
He said, "Aren't you worried about the mad cow?"
"Nah, she can order for herself."
And that's when the fight started.....
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My wife and I were sitting at a table at her high school
reunion, and she kept staring at a drunken man swigging his
drink as he sat alone at a nearby table.
I asked her, "Do you know him?"
"Yes", she sighed,
"He's my old boyfriend. I understand he took to drinking
right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear he
hasn't been sober since."
"My God!" I said, "Who would think a person could go on
celebrating that long?"
And then the fight started...
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When our lawn mower broke and wouldn't run, my wife kept hinting
to me that I should get it fixed. But, somehow I always had
something else to take care of first, the shed, the boat,
making beer.. Always something more important to me. Finally she
thought of a clever way to make her point.
When I arrived home one day, I found her seated in the tall
grass, busily snipping away with a tiny pair of sewing
scissors. I watched silently for a short time and then went into
the house. I was gone only a minute, and when I came out again
I handed her a toothbrush. I said, "When you finish cutting the
grass, you might as well sweep the driveway."
The doctors say I will walk again, but I will always have a limp.
______________________________
My wife sat down next to me as I was flipping channels.
She asked, "What's on TV?"
I said, "Dust."
And then the fight started...
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Saturday morning I got up early, quietly dressed, made my
lunch, and slipped quietly into the garage. I hooked up the
boat up to the van and proceeded to back out into a torrential
downpour. The wind was blowing 50mph, so I pulled back into the
garage, turned on the radio, and discovered that the weather
would be bad all day.
I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back
into bed. I cuddled up to my wife's back; now with a different
anticipation, and whispered, "The weather out there is
terrible"
My loving wife of 5 years replied, "And, can you believe my
stupid husband is out fishing in that?"
And that's how the fight started...
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My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming
anniversary.
She said, "I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 150 in
about 3 seconds."
I bought her a bathroom scale.
And then the fight started......
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After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply
for Social Security.
The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's License to
verify my age.
I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at
home. I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have
to go home and come back later.
The woman said, 'Unbutton your shirt'.
So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair.
She said, 'That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for
me' and she processed my Social Security application.
When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at
the Social Security office. She said, 'You should have dropped
your pants. You might have gotten disability too.'
And then the fight started...
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My wife was standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror.
She was not happy with what she saw and said to me,
"I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you
to pay me a compliment.'
I replied, "Your eyesight's damn near perfect."
And then the fight started........
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I rear-ended a car this morning...the start of a REALLY bad day!
The driver got out of the other car, and he was a DWARF!!
He looked up at me and said 'I am NOT Happy!'
So I said, 'Well, which one ARE you then?'
That's how the fight started.0 -
I pretty much know my life has been totally consumed by breast cancer since my diagnosis and now I know for sure. Yesterday morning at church, we were singing Hallelujah, Praise Jehovah and when it came to verse that says, "All ye fruitful trees and cedars, all ye hills and mountains high, creeping things,and beasts and cattle." I said breasts instead of beasts. I kind of glanced both directions to see if anyone heard me and silently laughed at myself.
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LOL@ nurseronda at least no one heard you!
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It's good to have a good laugh thanks for this thread
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Blond walks into Sear's housewares and sees a small chrome cylinder with a black cap."What's that?" she asks the clerk.
"It's a thermos" he responds.
"What's it do?"
"It keeps hot things hot and cold things cold" he says.
"I'll take it" she says.
Takes it to work and her co-worker (also a blond) asks "What's that?"
"It's a thermos" she states.
"What's it do?" her co-worker asks.
"It keeps hot things hot and cold things cold" she says.
"What do you have in it?"
"Coffee and two Popsicles."
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funny thread! enjoyed all the jokes and posts here. thanks ladies.
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so guys are soooo good. crack me up everytime. so then i have to read them to my hubby, and he finishes the punch line before i get to it. then i hit him. how come my brain is surprised every time???? and send aleeve, my husbands arm is getting sore!!!
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My 4 yr old daughter was told to go to her room. "But mother....wait I'm not calling you a butt mother....harump" and stomps off. :-)
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A cat went to Heaven, and God asked the cat what he would like to make his stay more pleasant. The cat thought about the question for a minute and replied, "Lord, I would like a pillow to lie on." The Lord said, "Sure, I can do that for you." Later, some mice died and went to Heaven, and God asked them what they would like to make their stay more comfortable. The mice quickly replied, "Rollerskates!" The Lord replied, "I can do that."
Later, God went back to check on the cat to see how he was doing. God asked the cat how he was doing, and the cat replied, "Lord, I was really enjoying the pillow you gave me, but now I am fantastic since you sent me the 'Meals on Wheels'."
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So for all of you traveling on Thanksgiving....
A Coyote boarded a plane with a dead raccoon under his arm
"You can't bring that on board!" said the Flight Attendent
"But it's my carrion" replied the Coyote
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A friend told me the other day:"I laughed so hard tears were running down my thighs."
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I think this means that a Catwoman costume is NOT Ok? Cause if that is, indeed, the case, then in addition to new boobs, I'm gonna need a whole new wardrobe...
Since having this Stage I SGAP, I have already had to adopt Mack the Knife for my theme song: ...when the shark bites, with his teeth, babe... It just never ends, does it ladies??? Mery Christmas to y'all!
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So, does this mean that Catwoman costumes are NOT to be worn, and if so, do they mean ALL Catwoman costumes, even the one that hides my fat... uh, I mean, hides a person's well endowed, somewhat saggy behind? Now when I say that, I mean that once when I was run...uh, hypothetically, once when "one" was running, the slapping sound of "one's" buttocks hitting the top of "one's" leg made "one" think that "one" was being chased...hypothetically speaking, of course. I'm just askin' cause "one" may have, un-hypothetically, paid serious JACK for that thing!! Dang, I say! Dang!
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" />What doesn't show is the two snowmen at the top making a comment about someone getting a 'snow job' for Christmas. This has a different meaning for breast cancer survivors!
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That's great! Now we at least know where to look. Thanks for the Chuckle. Love Maxine!
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lol is good medicine
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Thanks for all the humor! Laughing is the best medicine!
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Thanks for the chuckles and smiles I needed them!
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Thank you to everyone who posts here. I love the laughs
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True story:
I am 52 year old woman who has been with my partner with 10 years. I went for my pre-op appointment at a Seventh Day Adventist Hospital and when I saw part ot the lab work included a pregnancy test, I told the nurse it really wasn't necessary.
"Are you not getting your cycle anymore, honey?" to which I answered "Yes I am, but I have not been near a penis for over 10 years".
She could only blink at me and answer "oh". The older black nurse who was listening turned around, looked over her reading glasses at us and said "hmph, wish I could say the same thing".
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So very funny!
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