Smiles, Chuckles, and Quick Laughs
Comments
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I had to give a blonde joke!!!!!!!!
Three Blondes were all applying for the last available position on the Texas Highway Patrol. The detective conducting the interview looked at the three of them and said, 'So y'all want to be cops, huh?' The blondes all nodded.
The detective got up, opened a file drawer and pulled out a folder. Sitting back down, he opened it and pulled out a picture, and said, 'To be a detective, you have to be able to detect. You must be able to notice things such as distinguishing features and oddities such as scars and so forth.' So saying, he stuck the photo in the face of the first blonde and withdrew it after about two seconds. 'Now,' he said, 'did you notice any distinguishing features about this man?'The blonde immediately said, 'Yes, I did. He has only one eye!' The detective shook his head and said, 'Of course he has only one eye in this picture! It's a profile of his face! You're dismissed!' The first blonde hung her head and walked out of the office.
The detective then turned to the second blonde, said, 'What about you? Notice anything unusual or outstanding about this man?' 'Yes! He only has one ear!' The detective put his head in his hands and exclaimed, 'Didn't you hear what I just told the other lady? This is a profile of the man's face! Of course you can only see one ear!! You're excused too!' The second blonde sheepishly walked out of the office.
The detective turned his attention to the third and last blonde and said, 'This is probably a waste of time, but ... He flashed the photo in her face for a couple of seconds and withdrew it, saying, 'All right, did you notice anything distinguishing or unusual about this man?' The blonde said, 'I sure did... This man wears contact lenses.' The detective frowned, took another look at the picture and began looking at some of the papers in the folder. He looked up at the blonde with a puzzled expression and said, 'You're absolutely right! His bio says he wears contacts! How in the world could you tell that by looking at his picture?'
The blonde rolled her eyes and said, 'Well, Helloooo! With only one eye and one ear, he certainly can't wear glasses!'0 -
SMART A** ANSWERS
SMART A** ANSWER #1: It was mealtime during a flight. 'Would you like dinner?' the flight attendant asked John. 'What are my choices?' John asked. 'Yes or No,' she replied.
SMART A** ANSWER #2: A flight attendant was stationed at the departure gate to check tickets. As a man approached, she extended her hand for the ticket and he opened his trench coat and flashed her. Without missing a beat, she said 'Sir, I need to see you ticket, not your stub.'
SMART A** ANSWER #3: A lady was picking through the frozen turkeys at the grocery store but couldn't find one bign enough for her large family. She asked the stock boy, 'Do these turkeys get any bigger?' The stock boy replied, 'No, ma'am, they're dead.'
SMART A** ANSWER #4: The cop got out of his patrol car and the kid who was stopped for speeding rolled down his window. 'I've been waiting for you all day,' the cop said. The kid replied, 'Yeah, I got here as fast as I could.' When the cop finally stopped laughing, he sent the kid on his way without a ticket.
SMART A** ANSWER #5: A truck driver was driving along on the freeway. A sign comes up that reads, 'Low Bridge ahead.' Before he knows it, the bridge is right ahead of him and he gets stuck under the bridge. Cars are backed up. finally, a police car comes up. the cop gets out of his car and walks to the trucker, puts his hands on his hips and says, 'Got stuck, huh.' The trucker says, 'No I was delivering this bridge and ran out of gas.
SMART A** ANSWER OF THE YEAR: A college teacher reminds her class of tomorrow's final exam. 'Now class, I won't tolerate any excuses for you not being here tomorrow. I might consider nuclear attack or a serious personal injury, illness, or a death in your immediate family, but that's it, no other excuses, whatsoever!' A smart-ass guy in the back of the room raised his hand and asked, 'What would you say if tomorrow I said I was suffering from complete and utter sexual exhaustion?' The entire class is reduced to laughter and snickering. When silence is restored, the teacher smiles knowlingly at the student, shakes her head sweetly and says, 'Well I guess you'd have to write the exam with your other hand.'
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On a routine checkup, three years after my BC treatment, I was being examined for the nth time by a healthcare professional, when it occurred to me: I haven't had so many people touching my breasts since I was in college! Got a laugh from my doctor.
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Two nuns are ordered to paint a room in the convent, and the last instruction of the Mother Superior is that they must not get even a drop of paint on their habits.
After conferring about this for a while, the two nuns decide to lock the door of the room, strip off their habits, and paint the room naked. In the middle of the project, there comes a knock at the door.
"Who is it?" calls one of the nuns.
"Blind man," replies a voice from the other side of the door.
The two nuns look at each other and shrug both deciding that no harm can come from letting a blind man into the room. They open the door.
'Nice boobs," says the man, "where do you want the blinds?"
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Drafting Guys over 55
New Direction for any war:
Send Service Vets over 60!
I am over 55 and the Armed Forces thinks I'm too old to track down terrorists. You can't be older than 42 to join the military. They've got the whole thing ass-backwards. Instead of sending 18-year olds off to fight, they ought to take us old guys. You shouldn't be able to join a military unit until you're at least 35.
For starters:
Researchers say 18-year-olds think about sex every 10 seconds. Old guys only think about sex a couple of times a day, leaving us more than 28,000 additional seconds per day to concentrate on the enemy.
Young guys haven't lived long enough to be cranky, and a cranky soldier is adangerous soldier. 'My back hurts! I can't sleep, I'm tired and hungry' We are impatient and maybe letting us kill some asshole that desperately deserves it will make us feel better and shut us up for a while.
An 18-year-old doesn't even like to get up before 10 a.m. Old guys always get up early to pee so what the hell. Besides, like I said, 'I'm tired and can't sleep and since I'm already up, I may as well be up killing some fanatical son-of-a-bitch.
If captured we couldn't spill the beans because we'd forget where we put them. In fact, name, rank, and serial number would be a real brainteaser.
Boot camp would be easier for old guys. We're used to getting screamed and yelled at and we're used to soft food. We've also developed an appreciation for guns. We've been using them for years as an excuse to get out of the house, away from the screaming and yelling.
They could lighten up on the obstacle course however. I've been in combat and didn't see a single 20-foot wall with rope hanging over the side, nor did I ever do any pushups after completing basic training.
Actually, the running part is kind of a waste of energy, too. I've never seen anyone outrun a bullet.
An 18-year-old has the whole world ahead of him. He's still learning to shave, to start up a conversation with a pretty girl. He still hasn't figured out that a baseball cap has a brim to shade his eyes, not the back of his head.
These are all great reasons to keep our kids at home to learn a little more about life before sending them off into harm's way.
Let us old guys track down those dirty rotten coward terrorists. The last thing an enemy would want to see is a couple of million pissed off old farts with attitudes and automatic weapons who know that their best years are already behind them.
If nothing else, put us on border patrol....we will have it secured the first night!
Share this with your senior friends. It's purposely in big type so they can read it.0 -
It was a hot Saturday evening in the summer of 1960 and Butch had a
Date with Peggy Sue. He arrived at her house and rang the bell.
'Oh, come on in!' Peggy's mother said as she welcomed Butch in.
'Have a seat in the living room. Would you like something to drink?
Lemonade? Iced tea?'
'Iced tea, please,' Butch said. Mom brought the iced tea.
'So, what are you and Peggy planning to do tonight?' she asked.
'Oh, probably catch a movie, and then maybe grab a bite to eat at
The malt shop, maybe take a walk on the beach...'
'Peggy likes to screw, you know,' Mom informed him.
'Really?' Butch replied; eyebrows rose.
'Oh yes,' the mother continued. 'When she goes out with her friends,
that's all they do!'
'Is that so?' asked Butch, incredulous.
'Yes,' said the mother. 'As a matter of fact, she'd screw all night
If we let her!'
'Well, thanks for the tip!' Butch said as he began thinking about
Alternate plans for the evening.
A moment later, Peggy Sue came down the stairs looking pretty as a
Picture wearing a pink blouse and skirt, and with her hair tied back
In a bouncy ponytail. She greeted Butch.
'Have fun, kids!' the mother said as they left.
Half an hour later, a completely disheveled Peggy Sue burst into the
House and slammed the front door behind her.
'It's The Twist, Mom!' she angrily yelled to her mother in the
Kitchen. 'The damned dance is called the Twist.0 -
A woman in her fifties is at home, unclothed, happily jumping on her bed, squealing with delight.
Her husband watches her for a while and asks, 'Do you have any idea how ridiculous you look?
What's the matter with you?'
The woman continues to bounce on the bed and says, 'I don't care what you think. I just came
from having a mammogram, and the doctor says that not only am I healthy, but I have the breasts
of an 18 year-old.
The husband replies, 'What did he say about your 55-year old ass?'
'Your name never came up,' she replied.0 -
A couple are celebrating their 50th wedding anniversary. The woman said to her husband, "Do you remember how we used to sit at the table naked while we ate breakfast?" The husband says yeah, I remember. "Well lets do it today to celebrate our anniversary. So they left and came back naked. The woman says "This brings back memories, my nipplies are tingling already." He says gently,"You have one in your coffee and the other in your oatmeal!"
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At a nursing home, a group of Senior Citizens was sitting around talking about their ailments: "My arms are so weak I can hardly lift this cup of coffee," said one.
"Yes, I know. My cataracts are so bad I can't even SEE my coffee," replied another.
"I can't turn my head because of the arthritis in my neck," said a third, to which several nodded weakly in agreement.
"My blood pressure pills make me dizzy'" another went on.
"I guess that's the price we pay for getting old," winced an old man as he slowly shook his head. Then there was a short moment of silence.
"Well, it's not that bad," said one woman cheerfully. "Thank God we all can still drive!"
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The Salesman's Robot
John was a salesman's delight when in came to any kind of unusual gimmick.
His wife Marsha had long ago given up trying to get him to change. One day John came home with another one of his unusual purchases. It was a robot that John claimed was actually a lie detector.
It was about 5:30 that afternoon when Tommy, their 11-year-old son, returned home from school. Tommy was over two hours late.
"Where have you been?" Why are you over two hours late getting home?" asked John"Several of us went to library to work on an extra credit project," said Tommy. The robot then walked around the table and slapped Tommy, knocking him completely out of his chair.
"Son," said John, "this robot is a lie detector. Now tell us where you really were after school."
"We went to Bobby's house and watched a movie," said Tommy.
"What did you watch?" asked Marsha.
"The Ten Commandments," answered Tommy. The robot went around to Tommy and slapped him again, knocking him off his chair once more. With his lip quivering, Tommy got up from the floor, sat down, and said, " I am sorry I lied. we really watched an R-rated movie."
"I am ashamed of you, son," said John. "When I was your age, I never lied to my parents." The robot then walked around to John and delivered a whack that nearly knocked him out of his chair.
Marsha doubled over in laughter, almost in tears, and said, "Boy, did you ever ask for that one! You can't be too mad with Tommy. After all, he is your son!"
With that the robot immediately walked around to Marsha and knocked her out of her chair.
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Housework
Housework is supposed to be a woman's job, but one evening, Jenny arrived home from work to find the children bathed, one load of laundry in the washer and another in the dryer. Dinner was on the stove, and the table set. She was astonished!
It turns out that Ralph had read an article that said, "Wives who work full-time and had to do their own housework were too tired to have sex".
The night went very well. The next day, she told here office friends all about it. "We had a great dinner. Ralph even cleaned up the kitchen. He helped tha kids do their homework, folded all the laundry and put it away. I really enjoyed the evening."
"But what about afterward?" asked her friends.
"Oh, that..., Ralph was too tired."
God is good
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Three Girlfriends
Three women friends, one in a casual relationship, one engaged to be married and one a long-time wife, met for drinks after work. The conversation eventually drifted towards how best to spice up their sex lives. After much discussion, they decided to su rprise their men by engaging in some S&M role playing.
The following week they met up again to compare notes. Sipping her drink, the single girl leered and said, 'Last Friday at the end of the work day I went to my boyfriend's office wearing a leather coat. When all the other people had left, I slipped out of it and all I had on was a leather bodice, black stockings and stiletto heels. He was so aroused that we made mad passionate love on his desk right then and there!'
The engaged woman giggled and said, 'That's pretty much my story!... When my financé got home last Friday, he fou nd me waiting for him in a black mask, leather bodice, black hose and stiletto pumps. He was so turned on that we not only made love all night, he wants to move up our wedding date!
The married woman put her glass down and said, 'I did a lot of planning. I made arrangements for the kids to stay over at Grandma's. I took a long scented-oil bath and then put on my best perfume. I slipped into a tight leather bodice, a black garter belt, black stockings and six-inch stilettos. I finished it off with a black mask. When my husband got home from work, he grabbed a beer and the remote, sat down and yelled,
'Hey, Batman, what's for dinner?''0 -
My wife sat down on the couch next to me as I was flipping channels. She asked, "What's on TV?"
I said, "Dust."
And then the fight started...
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My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary. She said, "I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 150 in about 3 seconds."
I bought her a scale.
And then the fight started...
=========================================================== When I got home last night, my wife demanded that I take her someplace expensive... so, I took her to a gas station...
And then the fight started....
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After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for Social Security. The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's license to verify my age. I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at home. I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have to go home and come back later.
The woman said, 'Unbutton your shirt'. So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair.
She said, 'That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me' and she processed my Social Security application.
When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the Social Security office.
She said, 'you should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten disability, too.'
And then the fight started...
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My wife and I were sitting at a table at my high school reunion, and I kept staring at a drunken lady swigging her drink as she sat alone at a nearby table.
My wife asked, 'Do you know her?'
'Yes,' I sighed, 'She's my old girlfriend. I understand she took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear she hasn't been sober since.'
'My God!' says my wife, 'who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?'
And then the fight started...0 -
A Sad Passing
Please join me in remembering an icon in the entertainment community. The Pillsbury Doughboy died yesterday of a yeast infection and trauma complications from repeated pokes in the belly. He was 71.
Doughboy was buried in a lightly greased coffin. dozens of celebrities turned out to pay their respects, including Mrs. Butterworth, Hungry Jack, the California Raisins, Betty Crocker, and the Hostess Twinkies , and Captain Crunch. The grave site was piled high with flours.
Aunt Jemima delivered the eulogy and lovingly described Doughboy as a man who never knew how much he was kneaded. Doughboy rose quickly in show business, but his later life was filled with turnovers. He was not considered a very smart cookie, wasting much of his dough on half-baked schemes. Despite being a little flaky at times, he still was a crusty old man and was considered a positive roll model for millions.
Doughboy is survived by his wife Play Dough, three children: John Dough, Jane Dough, and Dosey Dough, plus they had one in the oven. He is also survived by his elderly father, Pop Tart.
The funeral was held at 3:50 for about 20 minutes.
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A store that sells new husbands has opened in New York City, where a woman may go to choose a husband. Among the instructions at the entrance is a description of how the store operates:
You may visit this store ONLY ONCE!There are six floors and the value of the products increase as the shopper ascends the flights. The shopper may choose any item from a particular floor, or may choose to go up to the next floor, but you cannot go back down except to exit the building!
So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband. On the first floor the sign on the door reads:
Floor 1 - These men Have Jobs.
She is intrigued, but continues to the second floor, where the sign reads:
Floor 2 - These men Have Jobs and Love Kids.
'That's nice,' she thinks, 'but I want more.'
So she continues upward. The third floor sign reads:
Floor 3 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, and are Extremely Good Looking.
'Wow,' she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going.
She goes to the fourth floor and the sign reads:
Floor 4 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Good Looking and Help With Housework.
'Oh, mercy me!' she exclaims, 'I can hardly stand it!'
Still, she goes to the fifth floor and the sign reads:
Floor 5 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Gorgeous, Help with Housework, and Have a Strong Romantic Streak.
She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the sixth floor, where the sign reads:
Floor 6 - You are visitor 31,456,012 to this floor. There are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please. Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store.
PLEASE NOTE:
To avoid gender bias charges, the store's owner opened a New Wives store just across the street.
The first floor has wives that love sex.
The second floor has wives that love sex and have money and like beer.
The third, fourth, fifth and sixth floors have never been visited.0 -
I saw a billboard sign that said:
NEED HELP, CALL JESUS
1-800-005-3787
Out of curiosity, I called the number ........
AND......
A Mexican showed up with a lawnmower.
PS: Don't kill the messenger!!!!!!!!! It's just a joke.
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Jack was fixing a door and found that he needed a new hinge, so he sent his
wife Mary to Home Depot.
At Home Depot, Mary saw a beautiful Bathroom faucet while she was waiting
for Walt, the manager, to finish waiting on a customer.
When Walt was finished, Ma ry asked 'How much for that faucet?'
Walt replied, 'That's pewter and it costs $300.'
'My goodness that sure is a lot of money!' Mary exclaimed.
Then she proceeded to describe the hinge that Charlie had sent her to buy,
and Walt went to the back room to find it.
From the back room Walt yelled, 'Mary, you wanna screw for that hinge?' '
No, but I will for the faucet.'
... And this is why you can't send a woman to Home Depot0 -
A 6 year-old and 4 year-old are upstairs in their bedroom.
'You know what?' says the 6 year-old. 'I think it's about time we started cussing.'
The 4 year-old nods his head in approval.
The 6 year-old continues, 'When we go downstairs for breakfast, I'm gonna say something with 'hell' and you say
something with 'ass.'The 4 year-old agrees with enthusiasm.
When their mother walks into the kitchen and asks the 6 year-old what he wants for breakfast, he replies, 'Aw hell Mom,
I guess I'll have some Cheerios.'WHACK! He flies out of his chair, tumbles across the kitchen floor, gets up, and runs upstairs crying his eyes out with his mother in
hot pursuit, slapping his rear with every step. She locks him in his room and shouts, 'You can stay in there until I let you out.'She then comes back downstairs, looks at the 4 year-old and asks with a stern voice, 'And what do YOU want for breakfast, young man?
'I don't know,' he blubbers, 'but you can bet your fat ass it won't be Cheerios.'
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BUTTERCUPS AND GOLF BALLS Towards the end of the golf course, Dave hit his ball into the woods and found it in a patch of pretty yellow buttercups. Trying to get his ball back in play, he ended up thrashing just about every buttercup in the patch. All of a sudden . . .POOF!! In a flash and puff of smoke, a little old woman appeared. She said, 'I'm Mother Nature! Do you know how long it took me to make those buttercups? Just for doing what you have done, you won't have any butter for your popcorn for the rest of your life: better still, you won't have any butter for your toast for the rest of your life... As a matter of fact, you'll never have any butter for anything the rest of your life!!! Then POOF! . . . she was gone! After Dave recovered from the shock, he hollered for his friend, 'Fred, where are you?' Fred yells back 'I'm over here in the pussy willows.' Dave shouts back, 'DON'T SWING, FRED, FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, DON'T SWING!!! 0 -
What Do You Do All Day?
A man came home from work and found his three children outside, still in their pajamas, playing in the mud, with empty food boxes and wrappers strewn all around the front yard.
The door of his wife's car was open, as was the front door to the house and there was no sign of the dog. Proceeding into the entry, he found an even bigger mess. A lamp had been knocked over, and the throw rug was wadded against one wall.
In the front room the TV was loudly blaring a Cartoon channel, and the family room was strewn with toys and various items of clothing.
In the kitchen, dishes filled the sink, breakfast food was spilled on the counter, the fridge door was open wide, dog food was spilled on the floor, a broken glass lays under the table, and a small pile of sand was spread by the back door .
He quickly headed up the stairs, stepping over toys and more piles of clothes, looking for his wife. He was worried she might be ill, or that something serious had happened.
He was met with a small trickle of water as it made its way out the bathroom door. As he peered inside he found wet towels, scummy soap and more toys strewn over the floor. Miles of toilet paper lay in a heap and toothpaste had been smeared over the mirror and walls.
As he rushed to the bedroom, he found his wife still curled up in the bed in her pajamas, reading a novel. She looked up at him, smiled, and asked how his day went.
He looked at her bewildered and asked, What happened here today?'
She again smiled and answered, 'You know every day when you come home from work and you ask me what in the world do I do all day?'
'Yes,' was his incredulous reply.
She answered, Well, today I didn't do it.'
Priceless
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These classifieds were really put in the paper; a smile for your day.
FREE YORKSHIRE TERRIER. 8 years old. Hateful little bastard. Bites!
FREE PUPPIES: 1/2 Cocker Spaniel, 1/2 sneaky neighbor's dog.
FREE PUPPIES... Mother, AKC German Shepherd. Father, Super Dog...able to leap tall fences in a single bound.
FOUND DIRTY WHITE DOG. Looks like a rat. Been out a while. Better
be a big reward.
COWS, CALVES: NEVER BRED. Also 1 gay bull for sale.
NORDIC TRACK $300 Hardly used, call Chubby.
JOINING NUDIST COLONY! Must sell washer and dryer $300.
WEDDING DRESS FOR SALE Worn once by mistake. Call Stephanie.
And the best one:
FOR SALE BY OWNER: Complete set of Encyclopedia Britannica, 45
volumes. Excellent condition. $1,000 or best offer. No longer needed!
Got married last month. Wife knows everything
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Reasons to like Beer (by 7 year olds)
A handful of 7 year old children were asked "What they thought of beer". Some interesting responses, but the last one is especially touching.
"I think beer must be good. My dad says the more beer he drinks the prettier my mom gets." --Tim, 7 years old
"Beer makes my dad sleepy and we get to watch what we want on television when he is asleep, so beer is nice. " --Mellanie, 7 years old
"My Mom and Dad both like beer. My Mom gets funny when she drinks it and takes her top off at parties, but Dad doesn't think this is very funny." --Grady, 7 years old
"'My Mom and Dad talk funny when they drink beer and the more they drink the more they give kisse s to each other, which is a good thing."--Toby, 7 years old
"My Dad gets funny on beer. He is funny. He also wets his pants sometimes, so he shouldn't have too much.--Sarah, 7 years old
"My Dad loves beer. The more he drinks, the better he dances. One time he danced right into the pool." --Lilly, 7 years old
"I don't like beer very much. Every time Dad drinks it, he burns the sausages on the barbecue and they taste disgust ing. Ethan, 7 years old
"I give Dad's beer to the dog and he goes to sleep."Shirley, 7 years old
"My Mom drinks beer and she says silly things and picks on my father. Whenever she drinks beer she yells at Dad and tells him to go bury his bone down the street again, but that doesn't make any sense."--Jack, 7 years old
Hope he forgets that before he's old enough to understand it!0 -
BE ALERT!!!!!!!
BE SURE YOU LOCK YOUR DOORS AND WINDOWS AT HOME
A Jackson , MS man was found dead in his home over the weekend.
Detectives at the scene found the man face down in his bathtub. The tub had
been filled with milk, sugar and cornflakes. A banana was sticking
out of his ass.
Police suspect a cereal killer.0 -
Phase 1 You are listening to jazz -- Your first day at work is great. Your coworkers are wonderful, your cubicle is cute, and your boss is the best!
Phase 2You are listening to pop music -- After a while you are so busy that you are not sure if you're coming or going anymore.
Phase 3You are listening to heavy metal -- This is what you feel like at month end.
Phase 4You are listening to hip hop -- You become bloated due to stress, feel sluggish and suffer from constipation. Your coworkers are too cheerful for your liking and the walls of your cubicle are closing in. You have started thinking 'WHATEVER' about your boss.
Phase 5You are listening to GANGSTA RAP -- After more time passes, your eyes start to twitch, you forget what a 'good hair day' feels like as you just fall out of bed and load up on caffeine.
Phase 6You are listening to the voices in your head -- You have build a makeshift door on your cubicle to keep people out . You have a dartboard with your bosses picture on it in your cube, You wonder why you are even here in the first place ?????????
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Pfizer Corp. announced today that Viagra will soon be available in
liquid form, and will be marketed by Pepsi Cola as a power beverage suitable
for use as a mixer. It will now be possible for a man to literally pour himself
a stiff one. Obviously we can no longer call this a soft drink, and it gives
new meaning to the names of 'cocktails', 'highballs' and just a good
old-fashioned 'stiff drink'.
Pepsi will market the new concoction by the name of: MOUNT & DO.
Thought for the day: There is more money being spent on breast
implants and Viagra today than on Alzheimer's research. This means that by
2040, there should be a large elderly population with perky boobs and huge
erections and absolutely no recollection of what to do with them.0 -
HOW TO BE A PERFECT BITCH!!
Alice's wedding day was fast approaching. Nothing could dampen her excitement -- not even her parent's nasty divorce. Her mother had found the PERFECT dress to wear and would be the best dressed mother-of-the-bride ever! A week later, Alice was horrified to learn that her father's new young wife had bought the exact same dress! Alice asked her to exchange it, but she refused. Absolutely not, I look like a million bucks
in this dress and I'm wearing it,' she replied. Alice told her mother who graciously said, 'Never mind sweetheart. I'll get another dress. After all, it's your special day.' A few days later, they went shopping and did find another gorgeous dress. When they stopped for lunch, Alice asked her mother, 'Aren't you going to return the other dress? You really don't have another occasion where you could wear it. Her mother just smiled and replied, 'Of course I do, dear.
I'm wearing it to the rehearsal dinner the night before the wedding0 -
Some lines to put smiles
1. My husband and I divorced over religious differences.
He thought he was God and I didn't.
2. I don't suffer from insanity; I enjoy every minute of it.
3. I Work Hard Because Millions On Welfare Depend on Me!
4. Some people are alive only because it's illegal to kill them.
5. I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.
6. Don't take life too seriously; No one gets out alive.
7. You're just jealous because the voices only talk to me.
8. Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.
9. Earth is the insane asylum for the universe.
10. I'm not a complete idiot -- Some parts are just missing.
11. Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.
12. NyQuil, the stuffy, sneezy, why-the-heck-is-the-room-spinning medicine.
13. God must love stupid people; He made so many.
14. The gene pool could use a little chlorine.
15. Consciousness: That annoying time between naps.
16. Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?
17. Being "over the hill" is much better than being under it!
18. Wrinkled Was Not One of the Things I Wanted to Be When I Grew up.
19. Procrastinate Now!
20. I Have a Degree in Liberal Arts; Do You Want Fries With That?
21. A hangover is the wrath of grapes.
22. A journey of a thousand miles begins with a cash advance.
23. Stupidity is not a handicap. Park elsewhere!
24. They call it PMS because Mad Cow Disease was already taken.
25. He who dies with the most toys is nonetheless dead.
26. A picture is worth a thousand words, but it uses up three thousand times the memory.
27. Ham and eggs. A day's work for a chicken, a lifetime commitment for a pig.
28. The trouble with life is there's no background music.
29. The original point and click interface was a Smith and Wesson.
30.. I smile! because I don't know what the hell is going on.0 -
A contribution:
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And another:
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The Cheatin' Wife
A man, returning home a day early from a business trip, got into a taxi at the airport. It was after midnight. While en route to his home, he asked the cabby if he would be a witness. The man suspected his wife was having an affair, and he intended to catch her in the act. For $100, the cabby agreed.
Quietly arriving at the house, the husband and the cabby tiptoed into the bedroom. The husband switched on the lights, yanked the blanket back and there was his wife in bed with another man.
The husband put a gun to the naked man's head. The wife shouted, 'Don't do it! This man has been very generous! I lied when I told you I inherited money. He paid for the Corvette I gave you. He paid for our new cabin cruiser. He paid for your season Pittsburgh Steelers tickets. He paid for our house at the lake. He paid for our country club membership, and he even pays for the monthly dues!'
Shaking his head from side-to-side, the husband slowly lowered the gun. He looked over at the cabby and said, 'What would you do?'
The cabby said, 'I'd cover his ass with that blanket before he catches a cold.'
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