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Smiles, Chuckles, and Quick Laughs

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  • lvtwoqlt
    lvtwoqlt Member Posts: 765
    edited March 2009
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    I just wanted you to know I have entered the snapdragon part of my life.

    Part of me has snapped . . . and the rest of me is draggin!

  • lvtwoqlt
    lvtwoqlt Member Posts: 765
    edited March 2009
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    A Bottle of Wine
     
    (Women will LOVE this one!) 
    A woman and a man are involved in a car accident on a snowy, cold Monday evening; it's a bad one.  Both of their cars are totally demolished, but amazingly neither of them is hurt.  God works in mysterious ways.   

    After they crawl out of their cars, the man is yelling about women drivers.  The woman says, 'So, you're a man.  That's interesting.  I'm a woman.  Wow, just look at our cars!  There's nothing left, but we're unhurt.  This must be a sign from God that we should be friends and live in peace for the rest of our days.'
    Flattered, the man replies, 'Oh yes, I agree completely, this must be a sign from God!  But you're still at fault... women shouldn't be allowed to drive.'  The woman continues, 'And look at this, here's another miracle. My car is completely demolished but this bottle of wine didn't break. Surely God wants us to drink this wine and celebrate our good fortune.' She hands the bottle to the man.  The man nods his head in agreement, opens it and drinks half the bottle and then hands it back to the woman. The woman takes the bottle, puts the cap back on and hands it back to the man. 
        
    The man asks, 'Aren't you having any?' 
        
    The woman replies, 'No.  I think I'll just wait
    for the police...'   
     
    MORAL OF THE STORY:   
    Women are clever, evil bitches.  
    Don't mess with them.

  • GramE
    GramE Member Posts: 2,234
    edited March 2009
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    With the financial crisis, many companies are considering mergers:

       Victoria's Secret and Smith & Wesson will 

     merge under the new name: TittyTittyBangBang  

  • JerseyGal
    JerseyGal Member Posts: 18
    edited March 2009
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    Subject: HOW SMART IS YOUR RIGHT FOOT?
    This is hysterical! I guess there are some things that the brain cannot handle.

    You have to try this - it takes 2 seconds. I could not believe it!!!............ This will boggle your mind, and you will keep trying over and over again to see if you can outsmart your foot, but you can't. It's pre-programmed in your brain!

    1. Without anyone watching you (they will think you are GOOFY!!) and while sitting at your desk in front of your computer, lift your right foot off the floor and make clockwise circles with it.

    2. Now, while doing this, draw the number '6' in the air with your right hand.. Your foot will change direction. I told you so!!! And there's nothing you can do about it! You and I both know how stupid it is, but before the day is done you are going to try it again, if you've not already done so.

  • MissShapen
    MissShapen Member Posts: 3,963
    edited March 2009
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    Never underestimate an Alabama  Redneck....

    A Redneck from Pohickey , Alabama walked into a bank in New York City and asked for the loan officer. He told the loan officer that he was going to  Paris  on an international redneck festival for two weeks and needed to borrow $5,000 and that he was not a depositor of the bank.

    The bank officer told him that the bank would need some form of security for the loan, so the Redneck handed over the keys to a new Ferrari. The car was parked on the street in front of the bank. The Redneck produced the title and everything checked out. The loan officer agreed to hold the car as collateral for the loan and apologized for having to charge 12% interest.

    Later, the bank's president and its officers all enjoyed a good laugh at the Redneck from the south for using a $250,000 Ferrari as collateral for a $5,000 loan. An employee of the bank then drove the Ferrari into the bank's private underground garage and parked it.

    Two weeks later, the Redneck returned, repaid the $5,000 and the interest of $23.07. The loan officer said, 'Sir, we are very happy to have had your business, and this transaction has worked out very nicely, but we are a little puzzled. While you were away, we checked you out on Dunn & Bradstreet and found that you are a highly sophisticated investor and multimillionaire with real estate and financial interests all over the world. What puzzles us is, why would you bother to borrow $5,000?'

    The good 'ole Alabama boy replied, 'Where else in New York City can I park my car for two weeks for only $23.07 and expect it to be there when I return?'

    His name was BUBBA...
  • CurlyGirly
    CurlyGirly Member Posts: 425
    edited March 2009
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    Drugs Have Two Names

    In Pharmacology, all drugs have two names, a trade name and generic name. For example, the trade name of Tylenol also has a generic name of Acetaminophen. Aleve is also called Naproxen. Amoxil is also called Amoxicillin and Advil is also called Ibuprofen.

    The FDA has been looking for a generic name for Viagra. After careful consideration by a team of
    government experts, it recently announced that it has settled on the generic name of Mycoxafloppin. Also considered were Mycoxafailin, Mydixadrupin, Mydixarizin, Dixafix, and of course, Ibepokin.

    Pfizer Corp announced today that Viagra will soon be available in liquid form, and will be marketed by Pepsi Cola as a power beverage suitable for use as a mixer. It will now be possible for a man to literally pour himself a stiff one. Obviously we can no longer call this a soft drink, and it gives new meaning to the names of 'cocktails', 'highballs' and just a good old-fashioned 'stiff drink'. Pepsi will market the new concoction by the name of: 'MOUNT & DO'.

    Thought for the day: There is more money being spent on breast implants and Viagra today than on Alzheimer's research. This means that by 2040, there should be a large elderly population with perky boobs and huge erections and absolutely NO recollection of what to do with them.

    If you don't send this to five old friends right away there will be five fewer people laughing.Laughing

  • anianiau
    anianiau Member Posts: 11
    edited April 2009
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    The 'Middle  Wife' by an Anonymous 2nd grade teacher

    I've been teaching now for about fifteen years. I have two kids myself,
    but the best  birth story I know is the one I saw in my own second grade classroom a few years back.

    When  I was a kid, I loved show-and-tell. So I always have a few
    sessions with my students. It helps them get
    over shyness and usually, show-and-tell is pretty tame. Kids bring in
    pet turtles, model airplanes, pictures of
    fish they catch, stuff like that. And I never, ever place any
    boundaries or  limitations on them. If they want to
    lug it in to school and talk about it, they're welcome.

    Well,  one day this little girl, Erica, a very bright, very  outgoing
    kid, takes her turn and waddles up to the
    front of the class with a pillow stuffed under her sweater.

    She  holds up a snapshot of an infant.. 'This is Luke, my baby
    brother, and I'm going to tell you about his birthday.'

    'First,  Mom and Dad made him as a  symbol of their love, and then Dad
    put a seed in my Mom's  stomach, and Luke grew in there. 

    He ate for nine months through an umbrella cord.'
    She's  standing there with her hands on the pillow, and I'm  trying not
    to laugh and wishing I had my camcorder
    with me. The kids are watching her in amazement.

    'Then, about two Saturdays ago, my Mom starts saying and going, Oh,
    Oh, Oh, Oh!'  Erica puts a hand behind her back and groans. 'She walked around the house for, like an hour,  'Oh, oh, oh! (Now this kid is doing a hysterical duck walk and groaning.)

    'My Dad called the middle  wife. She delivers babies, but she doesn't
    have a sign on  the car like the Domino's man. They got my Mom to lie down  in bed like this.' (Then Erica lies down with her back against the wall.)

    'And then, pop! My Mom had  this bag of water she kept in there in case
    he got  thirsty, and it just blew up and
    spilled all over the bed,  like psshhheew!' (This kid has her legs
    spread with  her little hands miming  water
    flowing away. It was too much!)

    'Then the middle wife starts saying 'push, push,' and 'breathe,
    breathe. They started counting, but never even
    got past ten. Then, all of a sudden, out comes my brother. He was
    covered in yucky stuff that they all said
    was from Mom's play-center, (placenta) so there must be a lot of
    toys inside there. When he got out, the middle
    wife spanked him for crawling up in there.'

    Then  Erica stood up, took a big theatrical bow and returned to  her
    seat. I'm sure I applauded the loudest. 

    Ever since then, when it's  show-and-tell day, I bring my camcorder, just in
    case  another 'Middle Wife' comes along.

  • lvtwoqlt
    lvtwoqlt Member Posts: 765
    edited April 2009
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    Stress management in today's world 

    Just in case you are having a rough day, here is a stress management technique recommended in all the latest psychological journals. The funny thing is that it really does work and will make you smile.

    1. Picture yourself lying on your belly on a warm rock that hangs out over a crystal clear stream.

    2. Picture yourself with both your hands dangling in the cool running water.

    3. Birds are sweetly singing in the cool mountain air.

    4. No one knows your secret place.

    5. You are in total seclusion from that hectic place called the world.

    6. The soothing sound of a gentle water fall fills the air with a cascade of serenity.

    7. The water is so crystal clear that you can easily make out the face of the person you are holding underwater.

    There!! See? It really does work. You're smiling already. Feel free to forward this if you know others who might benefit from this technique.

  • anianiau
    anianiau Member Posts: 11
    edited April 2009
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    bump

  • patoo
    patoo Member Posts: 5,243
    edited April 2009
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    To Maintain a Healthy Level of Sanity:

    1.  At Lunch Time, Sit In Your Parked Car With Sunglasses on and point a Hair Dryer At Passing Cars.  See If They Slow Down.  (watch out for cops!)

    2.  
      Page Yourself Over The Intercom.    Don't DisguiseYour Voice!

    3.  
      Every Time Someone Asks You  To  Do Something,    Ask If they want fries with that.

    4.
          Put Decaf In The Coffee Maker For 3 Weeks .  Once Everyone has Gotten Over Their Caffeine Addictions, Switch to Espresso.

    5.
      In the Memo Field Of All Your Checks, Write  'ForMarijuana'

    6.
      Skip  down the hall  Rather Than Walk  and see how many looks you get.

    7.
      Order a Diet Water whenever you go out to eat,  with a serious face.

    8.
      Specify That Your Drive-through Order Is  'To Go'. 

    9.  
    Sing Along At The Opera.

    10.  
    Five Days In Advance, Tell Your Friends You Can' t Attend Their Party Because You  have a headache .

    11.  
      When The Money Comes Out of The ATM, Scream  'I Won!   I Won!'

    12. When Leaving the Zoo, Start Running towards the
    Parking lot, Yelling  'Run For Your Lives!  They're Loose!'

    13.  
      Tell Your Children Over Dinner,  'Due To The Economy, We Are Going To Have To Let One Of You Go.'    

    And The Final Way To Keep A Healthy Level Of Insanity

    14.
            PICK UP A BOX OF CONDOMS AT THE PHARMACY, GO TO THE COUNTER AND ASK WHERE THE FITTING ROOM IS.

  • anianiau
    anianiau Member Posts: 11
    edited April 2009
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    Giggle! and bump.

  • barbe1958
    barbe1958 Member Posts: 7,605
    edited April 2009
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    I've actually done that with the ATM. No one in line thought it was funny, but I had just come from the casino and was not a winnner that day.... 

  • patoo
    patoo Member Posts: 5,243
    edited April 2009
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    1. Marriage changes passion; suddenly you're in bed with a relative.

    2. Sign in a Pet Store: "Buy one dog, get one flea."

    3. I have my own little world. But it's OK, they know me here.

    4. Money can't buy happiness, but it sure makes misery easier to live with.

    5. If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?

    6. I don't approve of political jokes. I've seen too many of them get elected.

    7. The most precious thing we have is life. Yet it has absolutely no trade-in value.

    8. I love being married. It's so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.

    9. Shopping tip: You can get shoes for a couple of bucks at the bowling alley.

    10. I am a nobody, and nobody is perfect; therefore I am perfect.

    11. How come we choose from just two people to run for president and 50 for Miss America?

    12. Isn't having a smoking section in a restaurant like having a peeing section in a swimming pool?
  • barbe1958
    barbe1958 Member Posts: 7,605
    edited April 2009
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    I used to live in a condo in the downtown of a major city (Toronto). Very ritzy...Anyway, it was at the end of the work day and there was quite a bunch of people waiting to get on the elevator. We squished on and were pushed to the back by an idiot of the male persuasion, who was bringing on a 3 drawer filing cabinet on a dolly. He finally got it in and away from the doors so they could close, and we began to go up in a hostile silence. I decided to break the tension by saying "Woudn't it have been easier to just stay at work?" No one laughed. I still laugh about it to this day. God, I'm so funny...

  • lvtwoqlt
    lvtwoqlt Member Posts: 765
    edited April 2009
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    The Coping Diet

    Only women can understand this one. This is a specially formulated diet designed to help us cope with the stress that builds during the day.

    Breakfast

    1 grapefruit

    1 slice whole wheat toast

    1 cup skim milk

    Lunch

    1 small portion lean, steamed chicken

    1 cup spinach

    1 cup herbal tea

    1 Hershey's kiss

    Afternoon Snack

    The rest of the Hershey kisses in the bag

    1 tub of Hagen-Daaz ice cream with chocolate chips

    Dinner

    4 glasses of wine (red or white)

    2 loaves garlic bread

    1 family size supreme pizza

    3 Snickers Bars

    Late Night Snack

    1 whole Sarah Lee cheesecake (eaten directly from the freezer) [Thus helping with the hot flashes.]

    Remember: Stressed spelled backward is desserts..

    Send this to four women and you will lose two pounds.

    Send this to all the women you know (or ever knew) and you will lose

    10 pounds.

    If you delete this message, you will gain 10 pounds immediately.

    That is why I had to pass it on; I couldn't risk it.

  • Makratz
    Makratz Member Posts: 1,605
    edited April 2009
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    Finally, a diet I can stick with!! Thanks so much for sharing!

  • bondiblonde
    bondiblonde Member Posts: 6
    edited April 2009
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    A blonde was playing Trivial Pursuit one night.. It was her turn. She rolled the dice and she landed on Science & Nature. Her question was, 'If you are in a vacuum and someone calls your name, can you hear it?' She thought for a time and then asked, 'Is it on or off?'

  • barbe1958
    barbe1958 Member Posts: 7,605
    edited April 2009
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    HAHAHAHAAHAHHALaughing

  • CurlyGirly
    CurlyGirly Member Posts: 425
    edited April 2009
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    Barbe1958,

    I would have laughed my butt off if I was on that elevator!  Laughing

  • RoxanneC
    RoxanneC Member Posts: 37
    edited April 2009
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    3 older gentlemen were taking a walk together.

    The 1st gentleman said "It's windy".

    The 2nd gentleman said "No, it's thursday".

    The 3rd gentleman said "So am I, lets go get a beer".

  • patoo
    patoo Member Posts: 5,243
    edited May 2009
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    Only in   America ........do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front.

    Only in   America......do people order double cheeseburgers, large fries, and a diet coke.


    Only in   America.....do banks leave both doors open and then chain the pens to the counters.


    Only in
     America.....do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and put our useless junk in the garage.

    Only in
     America......do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight.  

    Only in   America.....do they have drive-up ATM machines with Braille lettering.


  • patoo
    patoo Member Posts: 5,243
    edited May 2009
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    I've learned that you cannot make someone love you.  All you can do is stalk them and hope they panic and give in!

    I've learned that no matter how much I care, some people are just idiots!

    I've learned that it takes years to build up trust, and it only takes suspicion, not proof, to destroy it!

    I've learned not to compare myself to others, they are more screwed up than you think!

    I've learned that you are responsible for what you do, unless you are celebrities!

    I've learned that regardless of how hot and steamy a relationship is at first, the passion fades and there had better be a lot of money to take it's place!

    I've learned that 99% of the time when something is not working at your house, one of your kids did it!

  • lvtwoqlt
    lvtwoqlt Member Posts: 765
    edited June 2009
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    A Sunday School teacher was discussing the Ten Commandments with her five and six year old class. After explaining the commandment to 'Honor thy father and thy mother', she asked, 'is there a commandment that teaches us how to treat our brothers and sisters?' Without missing a beat, one little boy answered, 'Thou shalt not kill.'

    ~~~~~~~~~~

    An Elderly woman died last month. having never married, she requested no mail pallbearers. In her handwritten instructions for her memorial service, she wrote, 'They wouldn't take me out when I was alive, I don't want them to take me out when I'm dead.'

    ~~~~~~~~~~

    A Sunday School Teacher asked her class why Joseph and Mary took Jesus with them to Jerusalem. A small child replied. 'They couldn't get a baby-sitter.'

  • lvtwoqlt
    lvtwoqlt Member Posts: 765
    edited June 2009
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    A little more Sunday Humor

    Attending a wedding for the first time, a little girl whispered to her mother, 'Why is the bride dressed in white?' The mother replied,' Because white is the color of happiness, and today is the happiest day of her life.'

    the girl thought about this for a moment then said, 'So why is the goom wearing black?'

    ~~~~~~~~~~

    A little girl, dressed in her Sunday best, was running as fast as she could, trying not to be late for Sunday School. As she ran she prayed, 'Dear Lord, Please don't let me be late! Dear Lord, Please don't let me be late!'

    While she was running and praying, she tripped on a curb and fell, getting her clothes dirty and tearing her dress. She got up, brushed herself off, and started running again!

    As she ran she once again began to pray, 'Dear Lord, Please don't let me be late . . . But please don't shove me either!'

    ~~~~~~~~

    Three boys are in the school yard bragging about their fathers. The first boy says, 'My dad scribbles a few words on a piece of paper, he calls it a poem, they give him 50 dollars.'

    The second boy says, 'That's nothing. My dad scribbles a few words on a piece of paper, he calls it a song, they give him 100 dollars.

    The third boy says, 'I got you both beat. My dad scribbles a few words on a piece of paper, he calls it a sermon, and it takes eight men to collect the money.

    ~~~~~~~~

    A police recruit was asked during his exam, 'What would you do if you had ot arrest your own mother?' He answered without blinking an eye, 'Call for backup.'

  • sweetethel
    sweetethel Member Posts: 1
    edited June 2009
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    I absolutely love jokes but unfortunately I always forget them very quickly after I have read them. I definitely had a good laugh while reading this thread. Hopefully I can remember some of the things I have read here. I am of the opinion that it is very important for our health to laugh a lot and unfortunately we sometimes do not laugh a lot.

  • barbe1958
    barbe1958 Member Posts: 7,605
    edited June 2009
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    Last night, my husband and I were sitting in the living room and I said to him, 'I never want to live in a vegetative state, dependent on some machine and fluids from a bottle. If that ever happens, just pull the plug.'

    He got up, unplugged the computer, and threw out my wine.
    He's such an ass . . .  

  • HelenaJ
    HelenaJ Member Posts: 304
    edited July 2009
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    Ladies - what a laugh - thank you.  Hope this one works!  Language warning for those easily offended.

    www.youtube.com/watch?v=gSM8Okj_4TI

  • barbe1958
    barbe1958 Member Posts: 7,605
    edited July 2009
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    That was WONDERFUL Helena, I head it years ago, but it is always worth a new laugh! Laughing
  • dkhancock1948
    dkhancock1948 Member Posts: 181
    edited July 2009
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    PERKS OF BEING RETIRED

    Working people frequently ask retired people like me what we do to make our days interesting.

    Well, for example, the other day I went downtown to go to the News Stand for the Wall Street Journal so I could track my fleeting investments. I was only in there for about 5 minutes.

    When I came out, there was a cop writing out a parking ticket. I said to him, 'Come on, man, don't you have anything better to do than write a retired person a ticket? Why aren't you out chasing crooks or child molesters...that's out of your league, obviously!!!

    He ignored me and continued writing the ticket. I called him a 'Nazi.' He glared at me and wrote another ticket for having worn tires. So I called him 'Barney Fife'. He finished the second ticket and put it on the windshield with the first. Then he wrote a third ticket.  This went on for about 20 minutes.

    The more I abused him, the more tickets he wrote. Personally, I didn't care..... I came downtown on the bus. The car that he was putting the tickets on had a bumper sticker that said 'OBAMA in 08'.

    I try to have a little fun each day now that I'm retired. It's important to my health.

  • dkhancock1948
    dkhancock1948 Member Posts: 181
    edited July 2009
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    PERKS OF BEING RETIRED

    Working people frequently ask retired people like me what we do to make our days interesting.

    Well, for example, the other day I went downtown to go to the News Stand for the Wall Street Journal so I could track my fleeting investments. I was only in there for about 5 minutes.

    When I came out, there was a cop writing out a parking ticket. I said to him, 'Come on, man, don't you have anything better to do than write a retired person a ticket? Why aren't you out chasing crooks or child molesters...that's out of your league, obviously!!!

    He ignored me and continued writing the ticket. I called him a 'Nazi.' He glared at me and wrote another ticket for having worn tires. So I called him 'Barney Fife'. He finished the second ticket and put it on the windshield with the first. Then he wrote a third ticket.  This went on for about 20 minutes.

    The more I abused him, the more tickets he wrote. Personally, I didn't care..... I came downtown on the bus, I didn't drive a car.

    I try to have a little fun each day now that I'm retired. It's important to my health.