Smiles, Chuckles, and Quick Laughs
Comments
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As I Mature
I've learned that you cannot make someone love you. All you can do is stalk them and hope they panic and give in.
I've learned that no matter how much I care, some people are just assholes.
I've learned that it takes years to build up trust, and it only takes suspicion, not proof, to destroy it.
I've learned that you can get by on charm for about fifteen minutes. After that, you'd better have a big willy or huge boobs.
I've learned that you shouldn't cmpare yourself to others - they are more screwed up than you think
I've learned that you can keep vomiting long after you think you're finished.
I've learned that we are responsible for what we do, unless we are celebrities.
I've learned that regardless of how hot and steamy a relationship is at first, the passion fades, and there had better be a lot of money to take its place!
I've learned that 99% of the time when something isn't working in your house, one of your kids did it
I've learned that the people you care most about in life are taken from you too soon and all the less important ones just never go away.
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To all my friends who have sent me best 'wishes', chain letters, 'angel' letters or other promises of good luck if I forwarded something,
NONE OF THAT CRAP WORKED!
Could you please just send gasoline,
cash, Vodka, chocolate or airline tickets instead?
Thank you!0 -
Ivtwoglt, LOL!!! I'm with you, sistah! Kathi
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At a local restraunt an elderly couple are sitting and having a nice meal. The husband leans over and asks his wife, 'Do you remember the first time we had sex together over fifty years ago? We went behind the village tavern where you leaned against the back fence and I made love to you.'
Yes, she says, 'I remember it well.'
OK,' he says, 'How about taking a stroll around there again and we can do it for old time's sake?'
Oh Jim, you old devil, that sounds like a crazy, but good idea!'
A police officer sitting in the next booth heard their conversation and, having a chuckle to himself, he thinks to himself, I've got to see these two old-timers having sex against a fence. I'll just keep an eye on them so there's no trouble.. So he follows them.
The elderly couple walks haltingly along, leaning on each other for support aided by walking sticks. Finally, they get to the back of the tavern and make their way to the fence. The old lady lifts her skirt and the old man drops his trousers. As she leans against the fence, the old man moves in.. Then suddenly they erupt into the most furious sex that the policeman has ever seen. This goes on for about ten minutes while both are making loud noises and moaning and screaming. Finally, they both collapse, panting on the ground.
The policeman is amazed. He thinks he has learned something about life and old age that he didn't know.
After about half an hour of lying on the ground recovering, the old couple struggle to their feet and put their clothes back on. The policeman, is still watching and thinks to himself, this is truly amazing, I've got to ask them what their secret is.
So, as the couple passes, he says to them,' Excuse me, but that was something else. You must've had a fantastic sex life together. Is there some sort of secret to this?'
Shaking, the old man is barely able to reply, 'Fifty years ago that wasn't an electric fence.0 -
A husband had just finished reading a new book entitled, 'You Can Be The Man Of Your House'
He stormed to his wife in the kitchen and announced, "From now on, you need to know that I am the man of this house and my word is Law. You will prepare me a gourmet meal tonight, and when I'm finished eating my meal, you will serve me a sumptuous dessert. After dinner, you are going to go upstairs with me and we will have the kind of sex that I want. Afterwards, you are going to draw me a bath so I can relax. You will wash my back and towel me dry and bring me my robe. Then, you will massage my feet and hands. Then tomorrow, guess who's going to dress me and comb my hair?"
The wife replied, " The f**ken funeral director would be my first guess "
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Be careful this could happen to you!
The other stall
I had barely sat down when I hear a voice from the other stall saying: 'Hi, how are you doing?'
I'm not the type to start a conversation in the restroom. I don't know what got into me, but I answered, somewhat embarrassed: 'Doing just fine.'
And the other person says: 'so what are you up to?'
what kind of question is that! At that point, I thinking 'this is just too bizarre!' so I say: 'Ummm, I'm just like you, just sitting here.'
At this point I am just trying to get out as fast as I can when I hear another question: 'Can I come over?'
Ok, this question was just too weird for me. I figured I could politely end the conversation. I say: 'No . . . . I'm a little busy right now!!!!'
then I hear the person say, nervously: 'Listen, I'll have to call you back. There's an idiot in the next stall who keeps answering all my questions!!'
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KNOW THE SYMPTOMS.....PLEASE READ! Thank goodness there's a name for this disorder.Somehow I feel better even though I have it!! Recently, I was diagnosed with A.A.A.D.D. -Age Activated Attention Deficit Disorder. This is how it manifests: I decide to water my garden.As I turn on the hose in the driveway,I look over at my car and decide it needs washing. As I start toward the garage,I notice mail on the porch table thatI brought up from the mail box earlier. I decide to go through the mail before I wash the car. I lay my car keys on the table,put the junk mail in the garbage can under the table,and notice that the can is full. So, I decide to put the bills backon the table and take out the garbage first. But then I think,since I'm going to be near the mailboxwhen I take out the garbage anyway,I may as well pay the bills first. I take m y check book off the table,and see that there is only one check left. My extra checks are in my desk in the study,so I go inside the house to my desk whereI find the can of Pepsi I'd been drinking. I'm going to look for my checks,but first I need to push the Pepsi asideso that I don't accidentally knock it over. The Pepsi is getting warm,and I decide to put it in the refrigerator to keep it cold. As I head toward the kitchen with the Pepsi,a vase of flowers on the countercatch es my eye--they need water. I put the Pepsi on the counter anddiscover my reading glasses thatI've been searching for all morning. I decide I better put them back on my desk,but first I'm going to water the flowers. I set the glasses back down on the counter,fill a container with water and suddenly spot the TV remote.Someone left it on the kitchen table. I realize that tonight when we go to watch TV,I'll be looking for the remote,but I won't remember that it's on the kitchen table,so I decide to put it back in the den where it belongs,but first I'll water the flowers. I pour some water in the flowers,but quite a bit of it spills on the floor. So, I set the remote back on the table,get some towels and wipe up the spill. Then, I head down the hall trying toremember what I was planning to do. At the end of the day: the car isn't washedthe bills aren't paidthere is a warm can of Pepsi sitting on the counterthe flowers don't have enough water,there is still only 1 check in my check book,I can't find the remote,I can't find my glasses,and I don't remember what I did with the car keys.Then, when I try to figure out why nothing got done today,I'm really baffled because I know I was busy all damn day,and I'm really tired. I realize this is a serious problem,and I'll try to get some help for it,but first I'll check my e-mail....
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You do have to give clear instructions
There is a factory in Northern Minnesota which makes the Tickle Me Elmo toys. The toy laughs when you tickle it under the arms.
Well, Lena is hired at The Tickle Me Elmo factory and she reports for her first day promptly at 8:00 am.
The next day at 8:45 am there is a knock at the Personnel Manager's door. The Foreman throws open the door and begins to rant about the new employee.
He complains that she is incredibly slow and the whole line is backing up, putting the entire production line behind schedule.The Personnel Manager decides he should see this for himself, so the 2 men march down to the factory floor. When they get there the line is so backed up that there are Tickle Me Elmo's all over the factory floor and they're really beginning to pile up.
At the end of the line stands Lena surrounded by mountains of Tickle Me Elmo's. She has a roll of plush Red fabric and a huge bag of small marbles.
The 2 men watch in amazement as she cuts a little piece of fabric, wraps it around two marbles and begins to carefully sew the little package between Elmo's legs.
The Personnel Manager bursts into laughter. After several minutes of hysterics he pulls himself together and approaches Lena .
'I'm sorry,' he says to her, barely able to keep a straight face, 'but I think you misunderstood the instructions I gave you yesterday...'
'Your job is to give Elmo two test tickles.0 -
Letter to a Bank
Dear Sirs:
In view of what seems to be happening internationally with banks at the moment, I was wondering if you could advise me correctly??
If one of my checks is returned marked "insufficient funds," how do I know whether that refers to me, or to you?0 -
REMEMBER THIS AT CHRISTMAS TIME
According to the Alaska Department of Fish and Game, while both male and female reindeer grow antlers in the summer each year, male reindeer drop their antlers at the beginning of winter, usually late November to mid-December. Female reindeer retain their antlers till after they give birth in the spring.
Therefore, according to EVERY historical rendition depicting Santa's reindeer, EVERY single one of them, from Rudolph to Blitzen, had to be a girl.
We should've known... ONLY women would be able to drag a fat-ass man in a red velvet suit all around the world in one night and not get lost.0 -
You're An EXTREME Redneck When....
1. You let your 14-year-old daughter smoke at the dinner table in front of her kids.
2. The Blue Book value of your truck goes up and down depending on how much gas is in it.
3. You've been married three times and still have the same in-laws.
4. You think a woman who is out of your league bowls on a different night.
5. You wonder how service stations keep their rest-rooms so clean.
6. Someone in your family died right after saying, 'Hey, guys, watch this.'
7. You think Dom Perignon is a Mafia leader.
8. Your wife's hairdo was once ruined by a ceiling fan.
9. Your junior prom offered day care.
10. You think the last words of the Star-Spangled Banner are 'Gentlemen, start your engines. '
11. You lit a match in the bathroom and your house exploded right off its wheels.
12. The Halloween pumpkin on your porch has more teeth than your spouse.
13. You have to go outside to get something from the fridge.
14. One of your kids was born on a pool table.
15. You need one more hole punched in your card to get a freebie at the House of Tattoos.
16. You can't get married to your sweetheart because there's a law against it.
17. You think loading the dishwasher means getting your wife drunk.0 -
Laughter, the best medicine. I feel so much better after reading these. Thanks to all who contributed. It helped me take my mind off pain and that is so welcome. I realize how special so many people are, people with a sense of humor. I know I have several people in my life that go to great lengths to make me laugh and I must remember to tell them "thank you".
I did not even go to the other choices, I went to straight to the humor. Reminds me of the normal things in life. I know normal won't be what it was before my double mastectomy, but it will be a new normal.
I know now where I can turn for "expert" advise now. I thank all the people experiencing similar circumstances, your knowledge is invaluable.0 -
Laughter, the best medicine. I feel so much better after reading these. Thanks to all who contributed. It helped me take my mind off pain and that is so welcome. I realize how special so many people are, people with a sense of humor. I know I have several people in my life that go to great lengths to make me laugh and I must remember to tell them "thank you".
I did not even go to the other choices, I went to straight to the humor. Reminds me of the normal things in life. I know normal won't be what it was before my double mastectomy, but it will a new normal.
I know now where I can turn for "expert" advise now. I thank all the people experiencing similar circumstance, your knowledge is invaluable.0 -
Blonde Sky Divers
A blonde and a brunette are skydiving.
The brunette jumps out the plane and pulls the cord -- nothing happens.
She pulls the emergency cord and still nothing.
The blonde finally jumps out of the plane and yells "Oh! So you wanna race, huh?"I Want to Buy That
A blonde goes into a nearby store and asks a clerk if she can buy the TV in the corner.
The clerk looks at her and says that he doesn't serve blondes, so she goes back home and dyes her hair black. The next day she returns to the store and asks the same thing, and again, the clerk said he doesn't serve blondes. Frustrated, the blonde goes home and dyes her hair yet again, to a shade of red. Sure that a clerk would sell her the TV this time, she returns and asks a different clerk this time. To her astonishment, this clerk also says that she doesn't serve blondes. The blonde asks the clerk, "How in the world do you know I am a blonde?" The clerk looks at her disgustedly and says, "That's not a TV -- it's a microwave!"------------------------------------------
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too funny
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A man and a woman were asleep like two innocent babies.
Suddenly, at 3 o'clock in the morning, a loud
noise came from outside.
The woman, sort of bewildered, jumped up from the
bed and yelled at the man "Holy Shit, That must be my husband!"
So the guy quickly jumped out of the bed, scared and naked he jumped
out the window like a crazy man. He smashed himself on the ground,
ran through a thorn bush and then started to run as fast as he could to
his car.
A few minutes later he returned and went up to the bedroom and
screamed at the woman, "I AM your husband!!!"
The woman yelled back, "Yeah, then why were you running?"
And that folks....... .....is how the fight started.0 -
A lady walks into Tiffany's. She looks around, spots a beautiful diamond bracelet and walks over to inspect it. As she bends over to look more closely, she lets out a fart. Very embarrassed, she looks around nervously to see if anyone has noticed her little accident and prays that a sales person doesn't pop up right now. As she turns around, her worst nightmare materializes in the form of a salesman standing right behind her.
Cool as a cucumber, he displays all of the qualities one would expect of a professional salesman in a store like Tiffany's, and greets the lady with, 'Good day, Madam. How may we help you today?'
Feeling uncomfortable, but still hoping that the salesman may not have been there at the time of her little 'accident', she asks, 'Sir, what is the price of this lovely bracelet?'
He answers. . .'Madam, if you farted just looking at it, you're going to shit when I tell you the price!'
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Hi, I am new to this computer stuff but trying as I need the support. I too love to laugh, Somewhere on this discussion board I read something like"crazy things people say to you" I can't find it, Hope you can help.I will catch up with your page now, Thanks, JeanieS
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A newly discovered chapter in the Book of Genesis has provided the answer to
"Where do pets come from?"
Adam and Eve said, "Lord, when we were in the garden, you walked with us every day.
Now we do not see you any more.
We are lonesome here, and it is difficult for us to remember how much you love us.
" And God said, I will create a companion for you that will be with you and who will be a reflection of my love for you,
so that you will love me even when you cannot see me.
Regardless of how selfish or childish or unlovable you may be,
this new companion will accept you as you are and will love you as I do, in spite of yourselves."
And God created a new animal to be a companion for Adam and Eve.
And it was a good animal. And God was pleased.
And the new animal was pleased to be with Adam and Eve and he wagged his tail.
And Adam said, "Lord, I have already named all the animals in the Kingdom
and I cannot think of a name for this new animal.
" And God said, " I have created this new animal to be a reflection of my love for you,
his name will be a reflection of my own name, and you will call him DOG."
And Dog lived with Adam and Eve and was a companion to them and loved them.
And they were comforted. And God was pleased.
And Dog was content and wagged his tail.
After a while, it came to pass that an angel came to the Lord and said,
"Lord, Adam and Eve have become filled with pride.
They strut and preen like peacocks and they believe they are worthy of adoration.
Dog has indeed taught them that they are loved, but perhaps too well.
" And God said, I will create for them a companion who will be with them and who will see them as they are.
The companion will remind them of their limitations,
so they will know that they are not always worthy of adoration.
" And God created CAT to be a companion to Adam and Eve.
And Cat would not obey them. And when Adam and Eve gazed into Cat's eyes,
they were reminded that they were not the supreme beings.
And Adam and Eve learned humility.
And they were greatly improved.
And God was pleased And Dog was happy.
And Cat didn't give a shit one way or the other.0 -
You are on the bus when you suddenly realize ... you need to
fart. The music is really loud, so you time your farts with the beat.
After a couple of songs, you start to feel better as you approach your
stop. As you are leaving the bus, people are really staring you down,
and that's when you remember: you've been listening to your ipod.0 -
To Be 6 Again... A man was sitting on the edge of the bed, observing his wife, looking at herself in the mirror. Since her birthday was not far off he asked what she'd like to have for her Birthday. 'I'd like to be six again', she replied, still looking in the mirror.
On the morning of her Birthday, he arose early, made her a nice big bowl of Lucky Charms, and then took her to Six Flags theme park. What a day!
He put her on every ride in the park;
the Death Slide,
the Wall of Fear,
the Screaming Monster Roller Coaster, everything there was.
Five hours later they staggered out of the theme park.Her head was reeling and her stomach felt upside down.
He then took her to a McDonald's where he ordered her a Happy Meal with extra fries and a chocolate shake.
Then it was off to a movie, popcorn, a soda pop, and her favorite candy, M&M's.What a fabulous adventure! Finally she wobbled home with her husband and collapsed into bed exhausted.
He leaned over his wife with a big smile and lovingly asked, 'Well Dear, what was it like being six again?'
Her eyes slowly opened and her expression suddenly changed. 'I meant my dress size, you retard!!!!'
The moral of the story:
Even when a man is listening,
he is gonna get it wrong.0 -
Cowboy Honeymoon
A cowboy and his wife had just gotten married and
found a nice hotel for their wedding night. The man
approached the Front Desk and asked for a room.He said, 'This heerza special 'casion -- our honeymoon
-- and we need a nice room with a good strong bed.'The clerk winked -- 'You want the 'Bridal'?'
The cowboy reflected on this for a moment and then
replied, 'Nope, reckon not. Guess I'll jist hold on to
her ears til she gits used to it.'0 -
Mint Flavored Birth Control Pill.
The Cadbury's Candy Co and Merck Drug Co have combined to market
the new mint-flavored birth control pill that women may take immediately before sex.
The Pill will be distributed by the large major drug store chains.
They're going to be called ...
'Pre-dick-a-mints!'
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An elderly couple are having dinner to celebrate their 75th wedding
anniversary. The old man leans forward and says to his wife, "It has
always bothered me that our tenth child never quite looked like the
rest of our children. I want to assure you that these 75 years
have been the most wonderful experience I could have ever hoped
for and your answer will never take all that away. But... I must
know, did he have a different father?"The wife drops her head, unable to look her husband in the eye,
pauses for moment and then confesses. "Yes, he did.""Who was he?" he asks.
The old woman drops her head, trying to muster the courage to tell
the truth to her husband. She gulps down her wine and finally, she
says, "You."0 -
Best "Out-of-Office" email responses:
1. I will be unable to delete all the emails you send me until I return from vacation.
Please be patient, and your mail will be deleted in the order it was received.
2. Thank you for your email.
Your credit card has been charged $5.99 for the first 10 words and $1.99 for each additional word in your message.
3. The email server is unable to verify your server connection.
Your message has not been delivered. Please restart your computer and try sending again.
4. Thank you for your message, which has been added to a queuing system.
You are currently in 352nd place, and can expect to receive a reply in approximately 19 weeks.
5. Hi, I'm thinking about what you've just sent me.
Please wait by your PC for my response.0 -
For several years, a man was having an affair with an Italian woman.
One night, she confided in him that she was pregnant.
Not wanting to ruin his reputation or his marriage, he paid her a
Large sum of money so she would go to Italy to secretly have the child.If she stayed in Italy to raise the child, he would also provide child
support until the child turned 18. She agreed, but asked how he would know
when the baby was born. To keep it discrete, he told her to simply mail him a post card,
and write 'Spaghetti' on the back. He would then arrange for the child support payments to begin.One day, about 9 months later, he came home to his confused wife.'
Honey,' she said, 'you received a very strange post card today.
'Oh, just give it to me and I'll explain it later,' he said. The
Wife did and watched as her husband read the card, turned white and
fainted.On the card it was written: 'Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti, two with
meatballs, one without. Send extra sauce.'0 -
Working people frequently ask retired people what they do to make their days interesting.
Well, for example, the other day the wife and I went into town and went
into a shop. We were only in
there for about 5 minutes.
When we came out, there was a cop writing out a parking ticket.
We went up to him and I said, 'Come on man, how aboutgiving a senior
citizen a break?'
He ignored us and continued writing the ticket. I called him a dumbass. He
glared at me and started
writing another ticket for having worn tires.
So Mary called him a shithead. He finished the second ticket and put it on
the windshield with the first. Then he
started writing a third ticket. This went on for about 20 minutes.
The more we abused him, the more tickets he wrote.
Personally, we didn't care.
We came into town by bus.
We try to have a little fun each day now that we're retired.
It's important at our age.
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My neighbor found out her dog could hardly hear so she took it to the veterinarian. He found that the problem was hair in its ears. He cleaned both ears and the dog could hear fine. The vet then proceeded to tell the lady that if she wanted to keep this from recurring she should go to the store and get some "Nair" hair remover and rub it in the dog's ears once a month.
The lady goes to the drug store and gets some "Nair" hair remover. At the register the druggist tells her, "If you're going to use this under your arms don't use deodorant for a few days."
The lady says: "I'm not using it under my arms."
The druggist says: "If you're using it on your legs don't shave for a couple of days."
The lady says: "I'm not using it on my legs either; if you must know, I'm using it on my schnauzer."
The druggist says: "Stay off your bicycle for a week."0 -
Bathroom etiquette
CROP DUSTING:
When farting, you walk briskly around the office so the smell is not in your area and everyone else gets a whiff but doesn't know where it came from. Be careful when you do this. Do not stop until the full fart has been expelled. Walk an extra 30 feet to make sure the smell has left your pants. Don't look back because it will cause you to laugh which is a dead give-away that you are the CROP DUSTER.
FLY BY:
This is the act of scouting out a bathroom before pooping. Walk in and check for other poopers. If there are others in the bathroom, leave and come back again. Be careful not to become a FREQUENT FLYER. People may become suspicious if they catch you constantly going into the bathroom.
ESCAPEE:
This is a fart that slips out while taking a leak at the urinal or forcing a poop in a stall. This is usually accompanied by a sudden wave of embarrassment. If you release an escapee, do not acknowledgeit. Pretend it did not happen. If you are standing next to the farter in the urinal, pretend you did not hear it. No one likes an escapee. It is uncomfortable for all involved. Making a joke or laughing makes bothparties feel uneasy.
JAILBREAK:
When forcing a poop, several farts slip out at a machine gun pace. This is usually a side effect of diarrhea or a hangover. If this should happen, do not panic. Remain in the stall until everyone has left the bathroom to spare everyone the awkwardness of what just occurred.
COURTESY FLUSH:
The act of flushing the toilet the instant the poop hits the water. This reduces the amount of airtime the poop has to stink up the bathroom. This can help you avoid being caught doing the WALK OFSHAME.
WALK OF SHAME:
Walking from the stall, to the sink, to the door after you have just stunk the bathroom. This can be a very uncomfortable moment if someone walks in and busts you. As with farts, it is best to pretend that the smell does not exist. This very uncomfortable walk can be avoided with the use of the COURTESY FLUSH.
OUT OF THE CLOSET POOPER:
This is a colleague who poops at work and is proud of it. You will often see an Out Of The Closet Pooper enter the bathroom with a newspaper or magazine under his or her arm. Always look around the office for the Out Of The Closet Pooper before entering the bathroom.
THE POOPING FRIENDS NETWORK (P.F.N):
A group of co-workers who band together to ensure emergency pooping goes off without incident. This group can help you to monitor the whereabouts of Out Of The Closet Poopers, and identify SAFE HAVENS.
SAFE HAVENS:
A Safe Haven is a seldom-used bathroom somewhere in the building where you can least expect visitors. Try floors that are predominantly of the opposite sex. This will reduce the odds of a pooper of your sex entering the bathroom.
TURD BURGLAR:
This is someone who does not realize that you are in the stall and tries to force the door open. This is one of the most shocking and vulnerable moments that can occur when taking a poop at work If this occurs, remain in the stall until the Turd Burglar leaves. This way you will avoid all uncomfortable eye contact.
CAMO-COUGH:
A phony cough that alerts all new entrants into the bathroom that you are in a stall is called a Camo-Cough. This can be used to cover-up a WATERMELON, or to alert potential Turd Burglars. The Camo-Cough is very effective when used in conjunction with an ASTAIRE.
ASTAIRE:
An Astaire is a subtle toe-tap that is used to alert potential Turd Burglars that you are occupying a stall. This will eliminate all doubt that the stall is occupied. If you hear an Astaire, leave the bathroomimmediately so the pooper can poop in peace.
WATERMELON:
A watermelon is a big poop that creates a loud splash when hitting the toilet water. This is also an embarrassing incident. If you feel a Watermelon coming on, create a diversion. See CAMO-COUGH.
HAVANA OMELET:
A case of diarrhea that creates a series of loud splashes in the toilet water. Often accompanied by an Escapee. Try using a Camo-Cough with an Astaire.
UNCLE TODD:
An Uncle Todd is a bathroom user who seems to linger around forever. This person could spend extended lengths of time in front of the mirror or sitting on the pot. An Uncle Todd makes it difficult to relax while on the crapper, as you should always wait to poop when the bathroom is empty. This may force you to try the DAVID BLAINE FLOAT trick.
DAVID BLAINE FLOAT:
When you just can't wait, and you know it going to sound like Jiffy Pop on a Stove. It's time to clear out the lingering UNCLE TODD's mirror crowd by going into the DAVID BLAINE FLOAT. Caught loudly, grown and flushing while floating your shoes upwardly, if they can't see your shoes they can't I.D. you later. They should start leaving, if not, repeat. When you hear the door close, and the UNCLE TODD's have gone, slowly float your feet back down to earth0 -
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