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Smiles, Chuckles, and Quick Laughs

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  • heisiam
    heisiam Member Posts: 1
    edited November 2009
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    I recommend going to www.jdm.org.  This is Jesse Duplantis Ministeries.  This man is hilarious.
  • okblessed
    okblessed Member Posts: 1
    edited November 2009
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    Hello Ladies - Thanks for this site - without humor we would never get through this [especially for us permanent baldies!]

    We started a topic almost a year and a half ago regarding permanent hair loss - if any of you ARE EXPERIENCING or ARE STILL EXPEREINCING HAIR LOSS please email us at:

    taxotears@googlegroups.com

    We are still bald and looking very much like those turkeys thawing in your refrigerators!!!

    Thank you so much and have a very Happy Thanksgiving!

    Pam

  • JerseyGal
    JerseyGal Member Posts: 18
    edited December 2009
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    Tiger Woods just changed his name.
    Cheetah Woods

    Tiger can blame his misfortunes on Nike.... after all those commercials and logos "Just Do It"... Tiger, true to his word "Just Did It"

    I need to know... was it a steel or graphite shaft, stiff or regular, and did Elin use the overlapping grip?


    Funny,after she hit him, he decides to keep his head down. We know for sure now that Elin is a slicer, the others were hookers.

    Tiger has shown proof positive... in golf you will never succeed if you have a bad lie.

    Despite his recent transgressions, its expected that Tiger will rededicate himself to his profession and come back stronger than ever. In fact, rumors have it that he is already practicing for the Ride-her cup.
    ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
    The standard sentence for aggravated assault with a weapon in Florida is up to 5 years in prison along with a $10,000 fine.
    Luckily, Elin Nordegen was able to plea bargain for 2 years in a 30 room mansion along with $60,000,000 in spending money.
    ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

    What does Tiger Woods and baby seals have in common?
    They both get beaten over the head by Scandinavians.
    ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
    What's the difference between a car and a golf ball?

    Tiger Woods can drive a golf ball for 400+ yards
    ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
    ...... "significant damage to the shiny black grille, caused by the sudden impact, or possibly incurred prior to the crash. Will require extensive and costly repairs.".
    That was on Tiger.
    The car itself was written off.
    -----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

    Tiger's wife really got pissed at his lame excuse. He said:

    "Honey, I'm a golf pro. That means, every day, I need to play a round."

  • bondiblonde
    bondiblonde Member Posts: 6
    edited December 2009
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    This is something to think about when negative people are doing their best to rain on your parade. So remember this story the next time someone who knows nothing and cares less tries to make your life miserable.A woman was at her hairdresser's getting her hair styled for a trip to Rome with her husband.. She mentioned the trip to the hairdresser, who responded:

    " Rome ? Why would anyone want to go there? It's crowded and dirty..You're crazy to go to Rome . So, how are you getting there?"

    We're taking Continental," was the reply. "We got a great rate!""Continental?" exclaimed the hairdresser. "That's a terrible airline. Their planes are old, their flight attendants are ugly, and they're always late. So, where are you staying in Rome ?"

    "We'll be at this exclusive little place over on Rome's Tiber River called Teste.""Don't go any further. I know that place. Everybody thinks it's gonna be something special and exclusive, but it's really a dump."

    "We're going to go to see the Vatican and maybe get to see the Pope.""That's rich," laughed the hairdresser. You and a million other people trying to see him. He'll look the size of an ant.

    Boy, good luck on this lousy trip of yours. You're going to need it."

    A month later, the woman again came in for a hairdo. The hairdresser asked her about her trip to Rome .

    "It was wonderful," explained the woman, "not only were we on time in one of Continental's brand new planes, but it was overbooked, and they bumped us up to first class. The food and wine were wonderful, and I had a handsome 28-year-old steward who waited on me hand and foot. And the hotel was great! They'd just finished a $5 million remodeling job, and now it's a jewel, the finest hotel in the city. They, too, were overbooked, so they apologized and gave us their owner's suite at no extra charge!"

    "Well," muttered the hairdresser, "that's all well and good, but I know you didn't get to see the Pope."

    "Actually, we were quite lucky, because as we toured the Vatican, a Swiss Guard tapped me on the shoulder, and explained that the Pope likes to meet some of the visitors, and if I'd be so kind as to step into his private room and wait, the Pope would personally greet me.

    Sure enough, five minutes later, the Pope walked through the door and shook my hand! I knelt down and he spoke a few words to me."

    "Oh, really! What'd he say?"

    He said: "Who messed up your hair.

  • bondiblonde
    bondiblonde Member Posts: 6
    edited December 2009
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    Just phoned the swine flu helpline and all I got was crackling.

    How did the pig go on holiday? The swine flu

    Swine flu isn't a problem for pigs, because they're all going to be cured anyway.

    The first sign of pig flu is that you come out in nasty rashers.

    Swine flu is getting serious. It has been reported to be a hamdemic, which may
    lead to an aporkolypse... But we'll get through. Where there's a swill there's
    a way.

    This little piggy went to market,
    This little piggy stayed at home,
    This little piggy had roast beef,
    This little piggy had none.
    And this little piggy had influenza A virus subtype hemagglutinin protein 1 neuraminidase protein 1.

    The only known cure for Swine Flu has been found to be the liberal application of oinkment.

    My friend says he's got swine flu, but I think he's telling porkies.

    I have to say, I'm finding all these jokes about swine flu pretty boaring.

    If you receive an email from the Department of Health telling you not to eat tinned pork because of swine flu - ignore it. It's just spam.

  • Leah_S
    Leah_S Member Posts: 1,929
    edited December 2009
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    There were those who said that before Americans would elect an African-American president, pigs would fly.

    So Obama was elected, and sure enough - swiine flew.

    Leah

  • lvtwoqlt
    lvtwoqlt Member Posts: 765
    edited January 2010
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    A woman was sitting at a bar enjoying an after work cocktail with her girlfriends when Steven, a tall, exceptionally handsom, extremely sexy, middle-aged man entered. He was so striking that the woman could not take her eyes off him.

    This seasoned yet playful heartthrob noticed her overly attentive stare and walked directly toward her. (As any man would) Before she could offer her apologies for staring so rudely, he leaned over and whispered to her, "I'll do anything, absoutley anything, that you want me to do, no matter how kinky, for $20.00. . . on one condition. . ."

    Flabbergasted but intrigued, the woman asked what the condition was. The man replied, "You have to tell me what you want me to do in just three words."

    The woman cconsidered his proposition for a moment, and then slowly removed a $20 bill from her purse, which she pressed into the man's hand along with her address. She looked deeply and passionately into his eyes, barely concealing her anticipation and excitement. and slowly and meaningfully said . . . . . .

    CLEAN MY HOUSE!

    (you go girl!)

  • sandyincalifornia
    sandyincalifornia Member Posts: 3
    edited February 2010
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    OK, when  any of you need a good laugh get a hold of the Bill Cosby Himself DVD.  My best friend of  30 years came to stay with me between my surgery and radiation.  We had to pause the DVD about 3 times because we were doubled over laughing so hard.  Good therapy!

  • lvtwoqlt
    lvtwoqlt Member Posts: 765
    edited February 2010
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    INNER PEACE: THIS IS SO TRUE

    If you can start the day without caffiene,

    If you can always be cheerful, ignoring aches and pains,

    If you can resist complaining and boring people with your troubles,

    If you can eat the same food every day and be grateful for it,

    If you can understand when your loved ones are too busy to give you any time,

    if you can take criticism and blame without resentment,

    if you can conquer tension without medical help,

    If you can relax without liquor,

    If you can sleep without the aid of drugs,

    Then you are probably the family dog!

    And you thought I was going to get all spiritual and stuff.

  • mercurialqueen
    mercurialqueen Member Posts: 1
    edited May 2010
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    A man is supposed to jump out of an airplane with a parashute, his friend is supposed to wait for him on the ground with a truck The man jumps out of the plane.  Pulls one string and the parashute  doesn't open, pulls the second string and the parashute doesn't open.  Falling rappidly down to earth he says:  damn with my luck not even the truck is waiting for me down there.

  • Kate33
    Kate33 Member Posts: 1,936
    edited June 2010
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     The Boob Fairy-

    I thought this video was hilarious.  Here's hoping all of your boob fairies show up~ 

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iKRYpQhBbGU

    Kate

    P.S.  This is actually a guy lip synching Deirdre Flint's "The Boob Fairy"! 

  • NaughtybyNature
    NaughtybyNature Member Posts: 190
    edited July 2010
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    Morris returns from the doctor 
    and tells his wife that the 
    doctor has told him that he
     
    has only 24 hours to live.


    Given the prognosis, Morris 
    asks his wife for sex.
     

    Naturally, she agrees, so 
    they make love.
     

    About 6 hours later, the 
    husband goes to his wife and says,
     

    'Honey, you know I now have 
    only 18 hours to live.
     

    Could we please do it one 
    more time?'
     

    Of course, the wife agrees, 
    and they do it again.
     

    Later, as the man gets into 
    bed, he looks at his watch
     

    and realizes that he now has 
    only 8 hours left.
     

    He touches his wife's 
    shoulder and asks,
     


    'Honey, please.... just one 
    more time before I die.'
     

    She says, 'Of course, Dear,' 
    and they make love for the third time.
     

    After this session, the wife 
    rolls over and falls to sleep.
     

    Morris, however, worried about his impending death, 
    tosses and turns, until he's down to 4 more hours. 

    He taps his wife, who rouses. 
    'Honey, I have only 4 more hours.
     

    Do you think we 
    could...'
     

    At this point the wife sits 
    up and says, 'Listen Morris, enough is enough
     
    I have to get up in the morning... you don't.'

  • Kate33
    Kate33 Member Posts: 1,936
    edited July 2010
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    NaughtybyNature-  OMG- That is hilarious!!!!!  Thanks for the laugh so early in the morning!

  • Kate33
    Kate33 Member Posts: 1,936
    edited July 2010
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    NaughtybyNature- Love your tag line, too!!!!

  • lvtwoqlt
    lvtwoqlt Member Posts: 765
    edited July 2010
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    Lilia, Haven't seen you much lately, glad to see you back online.

    Sheila

  • Towhee
    Towhee Member Posts: 22
    edited July 2010
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    • Those who watched "The Vicar of Dibley" Britcom series will recognize this. At the end of each episode, the Vicar and her assistant, Alice, shared a cup of coffee and the Vicar always told a joke which Alice, a true innocent, never "got". This was one of my favorites. Anyone else have a fav?


    Vicar: Three nuns arrived at the Pearly Gates. St. Peter informed them that since they were of a religious order, they would have to answer a question to be admitted. He asked the first nun who the first woman on earth was. She answered Eve and was admitted. The second nun was asked the name of the garden where Adam and Eve lived. With the answer "Eden" she, too, was admitted. To the third nun, St. Peter said, "Since you are the Mother Superior, you must answer a more difficult question. What were the first words spoken by Eve when she saw Adam?" "Hmmm...that's a hard one," responded the nun. "Correct answer...you may enter" said St. Peter.

    Alice: But she didn't answer the question. Why did he let her in. What did Eve actually say to Adam? Is it in the Bible?

  • lvtwoqlt
    lvtwoqlt Member Posts: 765
    edited July 2010
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    A friend of my FIL was taking a drive along the Blue Ridge Parkway the other Weekend. As they were admiring the beautiful scenery, he felt a bump, he looked in his mirror and didn't see anything behind him but kept driving. The next week he received a traffic violation in the mail from the US Park Service for hitting one of the protected miniature pigs that live along the parkway. How did they know who hit the pig?. . . . . . The pig squeeled on him!

  • texasrose361
    texasrose361 Member Posts: 895
    edited July 2010
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    a dumb blonde was driving her nice red sports car FAST down the interstate. Eventually she gets pulled over and a female police officer who happened to be blonde as well approches the car and asks the woman for her drivers license. the blonde seached but couldnt find it. the officer said its square and has your pic on it. the driver looks some more and finds a mirror, square with her pic. hands to to the officer who takes a looks and says "oh i'm sorry you can go i didnt realise you were a cop too!"

  • Grayt
    Grayt Member Posts: 32
    edited July 2010
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    Loving this topic!  I'm new to breastcancer.org and am enjoying reading these funnies.  I'll be sure to add some as they come to mind.  And, yes; I love the Saturday night Britcoms!

  • NaughtybyNature
    NaughtybyNature Member Posts: 190
    edited August 2010
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    THE MOPED An elderly man on a Moped,looking about 100 years old, pulls up next to a doctor at a street light.  The old man looks over at the sleek shiny car and  asks

    "What kind of  car ya got there, sonny ?"

    The doctor replies, "A Ferrari GTO. It cost half a million dollars!"

    "That's a lot of money," says the old man. "Why does it cost so much?"

    "Because this car can do up to 320 miles an hour!" states the doctor  proudly.

    The Moped driver asks, "Mind if I take a look inside ?"

    "No problem," replies the doctor, so the old man pokes his head in the window and looks around. Then, sitting back on his Moped, the old man says, "That's a pretty nice car, all right.... but I'll stick with my Moped !"

    Just then the light changes, so the doctor decides to show the old man just what his car can do. He floors it, and within 30 seconds the speedometer reads 160 mph. Suddenly, he notices a dot in his rear view mirror . It seems to be getting closer! He slows down to see what it could be and suddenly WHOOOOSSSHHH ! Something whips by him going much faster ! "What on earth could be going faster than my Ferrari ?" the doctor asks himself. He presses harder on the accelerator and takes the Ferrari up to 250 mph. Then, up ahead of him, he sees that it's the old man on the Moped! Amazed that the Moped could pass his Ferrari, he gives it more gas and passes the Moped at 275 mph. He was feeling pretty good until he looked in his mirror and saw the old man gaining on him AGAIN ! Astounded by the speed of this old guy, he floors the gas pedal and  takes the Ferrari all the way up to 320 mph. Not ten seconds later, he sees the Moped bearing down on him again! The Ferrari is flat out, and there's nothing more he can do! Suddenly, the Moped plows into the back of his Ferrari, demolishing the rear end. The doctor stops and jumps out and unbelievably the old man is still alive. He runs up to the banged-up old guy and says,

    "I'm a doctor.... Is there anything I can do for you ?" The old man whispers, "Unhook my suspenders from your side view mirror!!".

  • NaughtybyNature
    NaughtybyNature Member Posts: 190
    edited August 2010
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    Aliens

    Two aliens landed in the Arizona desert near a gas station that was closed for the night.

    They approached one of the gas pumps and the younger alien addressed it saying, "Greetings, Earthling. We come in peace. Take us to your leader."

    The gas pump, of course, didn't respond.


    The younger alien became angry at the lack of response.

    The older alien said, 'I'd calm down if I were you.'

    The younger alien ignored the warning and repeated his greeting. Again, there was no response.

    Pissed at the pump's haughty attitude, he drew his ray gun and said gruffly, "Greetings, Earthling. We come in peace. Take us to your leader or I will fire!"


    The older alien again warned his comrade saying, 'You probably don't want to do that! I really think that will make him mad.'

    'Rubbish,' replied the cocky, young alien. He aimed his weapon and opened fire. There was a huge explosion. A massive fireball roared towards him and blew the younger alien off his feet and threw him in a burnt, smoking mess about 200 yards away in a cactus patch.


    Half an hour passed. When he finally regained consciousness, he refocused his three eyes, straightened his bent antenna, and looked dazedly at the older, wiser alien who was standing over him shaking his big, green head.


    'What a ferocious creature!' exclaimed the young, fried alien. 'He damn near killed me! How did you know he was so dangerous?'

    The older alien leaned over, placed a friendly feeler on his crispy friend and replied, 'If there's one thing I've learned during my years of intergalactic travels, you never mess with a guy who can loop his penis over his shoulder twice and then stick it in his ear.'

  • Kate33
    Kate33 Member Posts: 1,936
    edited August 2010
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    NaughtbyNature- LOL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

  • Kate33
    Kate33 Member Posts: 1,936
    edited August 2010
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    How many divorced men does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

    It doesn't matter- they never get the house, anyway. 

  • libraylil
    libraylil Member Posts: 325
    edited August 2010
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    You have had me cracking up. OK the day I met my surgeon, armed with all of my notes from you girls I asked if he could do the nipple saving surgery.  His answer was "Yes, but it won't be a working nipple.  It won't point". 

    Oh well.

    Beth

  • Kate33
    Kate33 Member Posts: 1,936
    edited August 2010
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    Beth- I had a nipple sparing MX.  If you have any questions feel free to PM me.

  • NaughtybyNature
    NaughtybyNature Member Posts: 190
    edited August 2010
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    This is an "actual letter" from an Austin, Texas woman sent to Proctor and Gamble regarding one of their feminine products. She really gets rolling after the first paragraph. This was PC Magazine's 2009 Editors' Choice award-winner for the best letter sent via e-mail.

    Dear Mr. Thatcher,

    I have been a loyal user of your 'Always' maxi pads for over 20 years and I appreciate many of their features. Why, without the LeakGuard Core or Dri-Weave absorbency, I'd probably never go horseback riding or salsa dancing, and I'd certainly steer clear of running up and down the beach in tight, white shorts.

    But my favorite feature has to be your revolutionary Flexi-Wings. Kudos on being the only company smart enough to realize how crucial it is that maxi pads be aerodynamic I can't tell you how safe and secure I feel each month knowing there's a little F-16 in my pants.

    Have you ever had a menstrual period, Mr. Thatcher? I'm guessing you haven't. Well, my time of the month is starting right now.  As I type, I can already feel hormonal forces violently surging through my body. Just a few minutes from now, my body will adjust and I'll be transformed into what my husband likes to call 'an inbred hillbilly with knife skills.'

    Isn't the human body amazing?

    As Brand Manager in the Feminine-Hygiene Division, you've no doubt seen quite a bit of research on what exactly happens during your customer's monthly visits from 'Aunt Flo'. Therefore, you must know about the bloating, puffiness, and cramping we endure, and about our intense mood swings, crying jags, and out-of-control behavior. You surely realize it's a tough time for most women.

    The point is, sir, you of all people must realize that America is just crawling with homicidal maniacs in Capri pants... Which brings me to the reason for my letter. Last month, while in the throes of cramping so painful I wanted to reach inside my body and yank out my uterus, I opened an Always maxi-pad, and there, printed on the adhesive backing, were these words: 'Have a Happy Period.'

    Are you  kidding me? What I mean is, does any part of your tiny middle-manager brain really think happiness - actual smiling, laughing happiness, is possible during a menstrual period? Did anything

    mentioned above sound the least bit pleasurable? Well, did it, James?  FYI, unless you're some kind of sick S&M freak, there will never be anything 'happy' about a day in which you have to jack yourself up on Motrin and Kahlua and lock yourself in your house just so you don't march down to the local Walgreen's armed with a hunting rifle and a sketchy plan to end your life in a blaze of glory.

    For the love of God, pull your head out, man! If you have to slap a moronic message on a maxi pad, wouldn't it make more sense to say something that's actually pertinent, like 'Put down the Hammer' or 'Vehicular Manslaughter is Wrong'.

    Sir, please inform your Accounting Department that, effective immediately, there will be an $8 drop in monthly profits, for I have chosen to take my maxi-pad business elsewhere. And though I will certainly miss your Flex-Wings, I will not for one minute miss your brand of condescending bullsh!t. And that's a promise I will keep.

    Always. . ...

  • Kate33
    Kate33 Member Posts: 1,936
    edited August 2010
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    NaughtybyNature- OMG, that is the funniest thing I've ever read.  I am laughing so hard my dogs are looking at me like I'm crazy.  I am going to have to copy and paste to every female I know.  Thanks for sharing! :)

  • Leah_S
    Leah_S Member Posts: 1,929
    edited August 2010
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    Just read it to my dd (she's 17) and she also can't stop laughing. She also told me that the "have a happy period" thing is written in Hebrew on the pads here. International stupidity I guess!

    Leah

  • Grayt
    Grayt Member Posts: 32
    edited August 2010
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    Fabulous!  Point well made.  Fun to read.  I've written a few pungent "letters of disappointment" and enjoy candor more with each year I age.

  • survivormom09
    survivormom09 Member Posts: 6
    edited August 2010
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    I have not laughed this hard in I don't know when.  Thanks ladies.  I read most of them to DH and he just watched me laugh.