Chemo in Sept 08
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I'm here too....just goin nuts.......that's all!!! My daughter is back here......I stay a nervous wreck when she is here. I love her with everything in me......but the drug thing just about does me in. I don't know IF or how much she is using.....but the thought is always in her head! They have such control over her. I really don't need the added stress......especially right now.....but she had no place else to live right now.
I go for my simulation this Thursday. I imagine she will start my radiation on Monday. My breast is finally healed to the point I can sleep on that side now. Feels so good....that's the side I always slept on so I'm resting much better at night now and not sleeping during the day.
Lisa hang in there sweetie.......surely there are better days to come! I've heard several people say that tamoxifen makes them EVIL.........lol
Juli.....good for you booking that cruise. That will give you something very nice to look forward to when this is all over with.
Chris....hope you have a very good visit sweetie. Getting away from it all........always helps me. Wishing I could go back to my sisters. Not gonna happen as long as my daughter is here tho!
Yaaay Colleen....only 10 more to go? Good for you.........
Robin don't overdo it g/f!!! Just pace yourself.........love you all
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I am here! Back from a woman's retreat with chuch. It was great! My short curlie-ish hair was a real hit.
Jules, it is hard to lose a friend who you are used to having around you. I am glad you booked a cruise! We all need things to look forward to.
I found out on this retreat that I still have some "dealing" do to with having had cancer. There were talks and some exercises to do, and one was to circle 3 emotions you want less of, and 3 you want more of.
For LESS I circled: Fear, Rage, Regret. I never would have circled things like that before "C". I would have circled things like Stress, Exhaustion, etc. It made me realize I am still in FEAR of it coming back, that I REGRET I ever got it, and I am sometimes ENRAGED about this! Not being detected with mammogram or ultrasound!
There is no use deneying it. Maybe I need to go to a therapist and work it through? Or is it just normal, being only a few months past treatment ending??
What do you ladies think?
Spring....
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I personally think this is normal Bev.....I know I have been dealing with all those things....which is why I posted the 5 stages of grief once on here just recently! When I went over them.....I had or WAS experiencing every single one of the stages. At the time....and I still think sometimes I am stuck in the depression stage! I also live in so much fear of it coming back.....and NO ONE can tell me these aren't normal feelings. Dear God we were more or less handed a death sentence. Had the Dr not been able to help us we would have died. I'm sure I would have been one of the first to go.....since my tumor was so big and had the lymph node involvement. It grew 4 cms in 3 months! It was aggressive to say the least. And it was Her2+ Because of that........I still live in fear. And I'm sure the fear is gonna be there for a very long time. Not sure it will ever go completely away.
I think we all have such different personalities on here.....and everyone "grieves" at their own pace and in their own way. Is one way better or worse than the other.....I don't think so......just different. I have to admire Chris....and Robin for their positive attitudes. There may be more that I am forgetting....but using them as an example. I don't have....nor do I think I will ever have that positivity. Just me.....and how the good Lord made me.
I fully trust in God to do his will in my life.....the scary part is......what if his will is for me to die? I don't want to leave my children or my grandkids.......3 of them are just too little to understand and two of them won't even remember me!
Hugssss and love to you all......you are my GIRLS!
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juli- i have been on the tamox since mid March and I am PROOF positive you won't explode if you miss one..LOL. I have to break every three or four days just to be able to function without blowing a gasket....Don't think the onco will like that but oh well...the zanex can only do so much.
Genia- my girl does not do drugs but has a horrible choice in guys and the "sperm donor" for the kids is a doozie. She is 21 does no laundry, no dishes, no cleaning (unless we beg) and does not help in general.It is an added stress..I told hubby this weekend that i spend the week at work wishing the week away to get to the weekend then the weekend comes and we babysit all weekend and i wonder what the heck i thought i was looking forward to?????? They are precious but i would like to be a grandmother instead of being more of a parent and permanent caregiver. I really struggle where she is concerned because she does not respect us and does not realize that while she would love to get a place of her own, she has no credit, does not earn enough to live on her own and the kind of guys she's looking at SURE won't keep her up....I could go on but i won't. Just know that you are in my prayers. Try to find you a quiet corner to retreat to once in a while.
Our community is having their relay for life friday night and i have been invited to the survivors dinner on thursday and have been asked to walk the survivors lap ect...I plan to go but am not sure how I feel about it...I still find myself scared to think of myself as a survivor yet...I don't know.
Spring- Im glad you had a good time. I do think the big "c" changes our thinking and whether we admit it or not i think all of us have a little fear and other issues since being dx'd. I know for one i have a lot of recurring thoughts that go through my head and things that have changed for me permanantly...But i have to try to push them down and move ahead. I am just glad you had a good time.
We had the big party at work today for the boss who returned from her schooling and getting her award. She was thrilled over the letter we wrote and today was such a pleasant day. She even brought us some beautiful pendants from a shop down there. Hopefully this will last for at least a few days....
Have a great evening.
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Lisa she really chooses good guys... but with the drug addiction.....she runs them off!!! I can't blame them.......if she weren't my daughter she would have run ME off too!!!
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I can't cut and paste or fix typos...will be back soon. I tried to leave a decent message NO way..
Spring glad your trip was just what you needed. Genia, I am unable to start radiation since my radiology doc ripped my should joint apart 2 weeks ago. My rheumy infiltrated it last week and it still hurts. I don't know what to say about these docs. My arm is still in severe pain and I am in the throes of asthma/smokers lung etc.
I'll see if this posts arr. love to all
Obviously my surgeon was able to take care of my R Breast tumor, which was located at the 11:00AM position, without throwing my shoulder out.
mina
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Spring, I'm glad you were able to get something out of the retreat. I always thought you were a "super-woman" who could just put this behind her and not worry about it. It made me feel like there was something wrong with me still worrying. I felt like I didn't have enough faith. I'm glad to see I'm not the only one. I'm going on a retreat to Word of Life the 3rd weekend in May and I'm hoping it will help me, too. I'm working on a vision board that Chris e-mailed me the instructions for. I think when I'm done with that, I'll have something tangible to set my sights on.
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Jane....you knew I was right there with you g/f....lol! I'm a compulsive worrier.......
Mina......HOW did you get your shoulder ripped apart???????
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Yeah, Genia - but I just thought we were both sick.
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Genia - my dd is here also....27 on disability and working 25 hrs per week. But, no help with the house unless I ask.....no money to help....and a pig !!!! I wish she would find someone too, but like Lisa, I would run too !!!
I too feel scared, but not in an obsessive way. I am scared of it coming back and scared of dying but it doesn't haunt me or hang with me all the time. I have a good perspective I think....but if it does come back, I am sure I will be a basket case. I think the thing that helps me most.....I have 3 people kind of close to me with cancer that have no hope. One with kidney cancer, one with colon cancer and another with br cancer with mets (5 " tumor and 10 spots on her lung from the onset)....I guess I just feel lucky that I am not them. My path was clean after my surgery, it just doesn't get much better than that. We all have to cope in our own way. Genia is right about the grieving.....we all have to cope one way or another.
Trude
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I worry because I didn't finish the Taxol or Herceptin. And I'm afraid of what Tamox will do to me. But I don't tell anyone these things... just my bc sisters who I know will understand.
hugs!
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Yeah, the emotions of Fear, Rage, Regret don't rule my day, I was/am just having to admit they are there. Sounds normal. But what do we do about it? Repress it? Go to a shrink and process it? How do you process this stuff anyway?? I will just have to think about it. I will feel better if I DO something about it than repress it, I know me.
Jane, you remind me of Chris' Vision board. Good, thank you! Maybe ART can be part of the "processing" and dealing. I think also having a "deliverable" of a Vision Board, something solid to focus on, would be a good thing.
Trude, you are right. I recently got the book "Life Over Cancer" which seems to be about things we can do beyond our medical treatment to deal with cancer. He stated something like, "If you are one of the lucky ones dealing with only a primary cancer" (aka not invading the rest of your body, stage IV) you know, then he went on to say how much we could do to prevent this. This book helps people who have been told there is "no hope" and "nothing more to do" live many years, so by contrast, our outlook is rosy to him...
It did make me realize, Trude, what you said, that in some odd way, we are the lucky ones...
I guess it's all in your perspective...
I am glad you ladies here here. Have I told you that recently??? My love to you!!
Spring...
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Bev I don't think there is much that will make those feelings go away. I know ME....I can go to therapy and listen to someone sit there and say that as longs as these feelings are there....I can't go forward with my life....and I can walk out of there knowing this.....but I will STILL feel that way. So why waste my time and theirs?
TIME.....that's ALL that will make this easier. The longer I go without a recurrance.....the more relaxed I will be and not thinking about what happens next. Right now...it's still so fresh in my mind that I can't do that.
Having a blah day today.....things aren't going good at my house right now.
love you all
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Lisa and Trude....you are both in my heart as I know too well how you are feeling as far as your daughters are concerned!
hugsssss
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On a positive note, my legs have never been smoother!
Finished rad #10, only 9 more to go!! Whoo hoo!
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11,000 steps today!! wooo!
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way to go spring!!
I have to say I admire you girls that have shed the wigs. I want to soooo bad as it is getting hot here BUT i have a Kewpie doll thing going in and a HUGE cowlick!!! The sides and back are cooperating but the top is growing in 3 directions now. It looks like a huge swirl!!!ARGH It changes every week so we will have to see what comes...Maybe I'll just bite the bullet anyway and say to heck with it. OR fill it with goo and plaster it to my head...At least the Nioxin has done it's job because even though it is unruly (like everthing else in my life LOL) it is thick.
Trude- You and I and Genia need to go on a trip together and take a mom break huh????
I think I have mentioned it before but we heard from our friends today that have a fourteen yr old that has been dx'd with osteosarcoma (maybe i spelled it right) Thankfully the only spot is her arm around the elbow. She will have her port put in on 5-5 and begin chemo that day for 11 wks inpatient, time off for surgery followed by chemo of 15-50 outpatient a round will be three wks on and 1-2 wks off. It is going to be a trying time for them as they are away from home. PLEASE pray for this family. Her mom and dad are RELYING on prayers and the first answered prayer was that it was nowhere else. Callie is a precious girl with a bright smile and kind heart. Please lift her up girls cause you know how tough this is going to be.
Thank
HUGS to ALL
Bettysgirl
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Lisa - That breaks my heart what that little girl has to go through. That is soooo unfair!
Colleen - 19 rads total? that's all? I am having #35 (was 36, but today he said I only need 7 boosts, not 8). I start boosts on Thursday.
Spring - Any chance you are walking to California? LOL
Genia - Hugs! Hope tomorrow is a better day.
Back to typing reports...
Hugs
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Hey Juli,
Ha! That is too funny. I realized I'm already counting down the days I'm done with. So this morning I only had 10 treatments to go, and after that one, I have only 9 to go. I need 28 total, so I've really finished with 19, and have 9 more to go.
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Colleen - LOL, but still... only 28? LOL Why do I get 35?
Speaking of rads... I am having my treatment at a "borrowed" facility while a new machine is being installed at mine. Today the rad tech from this facility pointed out that he padded the area on the equipment where his patients rest their arms while being zapped. But we don't get to use their equipment. So when I met with my rad doctor after tx, I told him about the padded equipment, and pointed out the indentations in my arms from our equipment, and suggested they pad our equipment for the comfort of future patients.
It's midnight and I'm still typing a report.
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Julie! I hope you went to bed soon after that midnight post!!! I had 28 rads but no boosts since I had mastectomy with no chest wall invasion, or whatever. I think with lumpectomy you get boosts, typically with Mx you don't. Something liek this!
Lisa, how old is this child? Callie?
Colleen!!! 9 more to go! less than 2 weeks! woooo! Freedom soon woman!
Today looks to be another great day here in NC. Yoga tonight!
So what do you all think of this H1N1 Virus, aka Swine Flu? I am supposed to take a business trip to CT next month, and all I wonder about is exposing myself to this bug! I do NOT want to get a bad flu after being hammered with chemo and RADS these past months! I feel great, but I imagine my immune system is a bit pooped out from fighting??
Flu Flu, go away, and don't come back some other day!!
Spring...
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Spring - Callie is 14 yrs old.
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My R arm fiasco who knew?
Someone came in the room and grabbed my arm before I could say anything and swung it to the middle of my head up and back behind it in one arc. I stayed in this position way too long
Two days later...PAIN. One week later I called my Radiology doctor's office to report my injury. I told her office person who reminded me I had a week to go. That same day I had a steroid injection in my R shoulder. She never told my doctor.I thought I would wait it out. I still can't use my laptop without the pain in my shoulder worsening when I moved my R hand and R fingers....like R now.
I will see my rheumy Thursday for more help. This sucks, I cancelled all my therapy and told her Resident. WOW! Who is so rough in X-ray ? She spoke to my rheumy; he told her I had arthritis issues and that he had infiltrated my shoulder with steroid.
I told her today that my R arm had been manipulated more times than I care to remember since last June when my tumor was diagnosed and never had I experienced any pain post manipulations including 3 hours in surgery due to my difficult intubation. My tumor is at the 11:00AM position and I need to be carefully positioned when I try this again...not jerked around. She even promised me pain medication if I can't take the positioning until I fully heal..We'll see.
She says that I need to be as close as possible to the position I was in 2 weeks ago to avoid excess radiation to my shoulder joints.We'll see
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Sending up prayers for me and for all of us. Sometimes I wonder If God is telling me not to have my breast radiated. It wasn't too long ago that Skin/lupus patients were not radiated due to skin problems. Fortunately, I'm in remission from everything right now.
Spring, congratulations on all those steps. WOW!
BrandonMom, you've sound so happy.
Is a vision board similar to what I worked on years ago with my friends when I went to their church? I put all my life wishes at that time on a board and when I finished it I put it away .If it's similar,I thank you for triggering that memory just now again..I'll work on one. I told everyone Have a good weekend today when I left my
PMD's office. When the staff got funny looks on their faces I got it... I ask, "What day is it?" "TUESDAY they all yelled back at me!" We all had a great laugh.
I wish my Primary MD was my Radiologist.I tried to post this twice. Appt with Rheumy tomorrow.
It took me three times typing and posting before I was able to post it here. Please excuse the setup of this post...
Juli, you're an angel. I hope they listen to your suggestion. I think my doc will make sure her tech/nurses watch how they handle the arms of her patients from now on. I am 63 not 23...arrrgh
love and prayers to everyone and for Callie and her family.
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Mina, I am so sorry about your Right Arm!!! It sounds like somebody wrestled it nearly out of your socket!
Yes, thinking of Callie. 14 years old. I am just shaking my head.
Spring.
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Good to see you Mina.....that is a horrible way they treated you!
My prayers are with Callie and her family....
I found a web page that had some VERY interesting reading. It's very long....but it makes a lot of sense to me about the different "causes" of cancer and some things we can do to prevent cancer in the future. Of course I had to post it here.....and if this is true....I can almost pinpoint the day when my cancer went into overdrive!
Cancer Strategy #11: Psychological Stress Leads To Cancer...
Resolving Stressful Issues Vital For Success Against CancerDr. Hamer, a German oncologist, developed cancer in the late 70s, shortly after his son's untimely death. Theorizing there was a connection between the stress of his son's death and his development of cancer, he began to investigate his cancer patients' histories, and found that they too had experienced an unexpected shock or trauma shortly before their cancer.
Next, he analyzed his patients' brain scans and compared them with the corresponding medical and psychological records. Amazingly, he found a clear correlation between shocks, specific areas of the brain damaged by certain types of shocks, and particular organs where cancer developed depending on the type of trauma.
Based on over 40,000 case studies, over a number of years he developed a theory that every disease originates from a shock or trauma that catches us by surprise. The moment the unexpected conflict occurs, the shock strikes a specific area in the brain causing a lesion (called Hamer Focus), visible on a brain scan as a set of sharp concentric rings in MRI's. The brain cells that receive the impact send a biochemical signal to the corresponding body cells causing the growth of a tumor, a meltdown of tissue or functional loss, depending on which brain layer receives the shock.
He theorized that specific conflicts are tied to specific areas in the brain because, during evolution, brain areas are programmed to respond instantly to conflicts that could threaten survival. For example, let's say that a woman is walking with her child. Suddenly the child runs into the street, and is struck by a car. The moment a mother sees her child injured she suffers a mother-child-worry-conflict, and in a split second the special biological program for this particular type of conflict is switched on.
This always impacts in the brain area that controls the function of the breast glands. This is because, in biological terms, an injured offspring recovers faster when it receives more milk, extra milk production is immediately stimulated by increasing the number of breast gland cells. Even if the woman is not breast feeding, this event is still triggered. As long as the child is in the hospital, the breast cells will keep dividing and multiplying, forming what is commonly called a glandular breast tumor. When the child recovers, the mother will start to heal.
So you correct the problem that is causing the stress, like getting a new job if you have been fired, or a new spouse if there has been a divorce. Or you psychologically learn to deal with the issue so that it no longer is causing stress. Either is vital for healing from cancer. Done in conjunction with conventional treatments, the results have been exceptional.
Dr. Hamer suffered over the years for his controversial theories. One prosecutor pulled his records, and went through patient after patient. Out of 6500 patients with terminal cancer, 6000 were alive. Pretty impressive.
Cancer has many more causes than only being initiated by stressful events. But it does look like they are much more important in initiating cancer than anyone had previously thought. What is undoubtedly true is that stress knocks down the immune system significantly, which could certainly translate into accelerated growth of cancer cells. Continued stress from unresolved traumatic events must inhibit your body's ability to fight cancer.
Fortunately, there are now ways of dealing with, and releasing, events and problems that cause stress which work much faster and more effectively than traditional psychotherapy. One of the best is called the Sedona Method.
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Genia, interesting.
I notee in the two anti-cancer books I really like (Life Over Cancer, and Anti-Cancer, a New Way of Life) they both emphasize "de-stress" or serenity methods, in addition to medical treatment, eating healthy and exercise.
Like a mind de-tox!
Spring.
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Wah! OK Prettiestmess, close your eyes, cause I'm going to whine!
I've had a pretty bad cough following the big herceptin doses. Enough that it keeps me awake at night, and if you know me, that's big - I never lose sleep. So, I called the dr, thinking maybe some codeine. They are thinking maybe my heart...eeecckk! What's up with that? Can heart problems cause you to cough? After my first dose of Herceptin, I really blamed everything else, change in diet, rads, etc. But then things got better, and then after my herceptin, it all came back..boo. Coincidence? I know I'm rambling, but mostly just scared. It just hit me (ok, I'm slow), how much we compromise to beat this.
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Colleen - You know how I feel about Herceptin... it tried to kill me.
Boost #1 today...6 more to go! Woohoo!
hugs!
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Coughing can be a sign of a heart problem because when you cough you are forcing the blood to flow out of your heart. Hope it's just a tickle Brandonmom and not something worse. (You haven't been around any swine, I hope)
Juli - How are you holding up with the rads?
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tonight was the survivors dinner for the Relay for Life here. It was nice. Our dear Callie is going to be the youth representative and lead the survivors lap Friday pm at the Relay. She has a smile on her face and a positive attitude. She will have her port installed and chemo started on the 5th. I have heard that shelike most of us dreads most...losing her hair. Please continue to lift her up as she begins this journey.
Have a great weekend.
Lisa
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