Can we have a forum for "older" people with bc?
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I forgot to express sympathy to Petite for the frustration she is experiencing with settling the estate.
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Taco: I read The White Swan over 20 years ago and loved it. It is worth the read and gives you such a good perspective on the life of Chinese women especially those that are not wealthy. I kept it so I may have to reread it.
Carole: I see a pain management MD for my back after an MRI showed DJD of my spine. I also have TENS unit that I use when the pain meds aren't fully touching the spasm I get. It is worth seeing them because they have so many options to offer. Just an FYI, Medicare will not pay for 5% Lidocaine patches but I found a local supermarket pharmacy that provides 5% lidocaine patches using a GoodRx coupon and pay only about $1.75/patch versus the expensive OTC patches at $3-4 each. Salonpas patches are only 4% and are expensive. My PCP provides the prescription and I don't need to be a regular at their pharmacy.
Cindyny: I admire how on the go you are. Enjoy your trip to Cape Cod.
Petite1: after handling both my DF and DM's estates I have all the sympathy in the world for you. I had to get an EIN from the IRS for my DM and to this day still am not sure why except it was the only way to gain access to her bank accounts. She had investments with various companies and I can honestly say most made you jump through all sorts of hurdles to get the money disbursed to the beneficiaries. Needed multiple copies of her death certificate, etc. Spent many hours on the phone, sent them what they requested and then had them reject it because X was missing. It took me over a year of using my one day a week off making calls, taking notes, gathering what I needed and submitting it. Some reps were helpful and others just had you chasing your tail. Because she died in NJ and I live in PA I had quite a bit of travel involved as well. The lawyer I hired handled the final state tax filing and the former IRS agent who filed the income tax documents were godsends. I ended up being billed twice by the IRS and when I notified them of the overpayment, they did return what I had paid plus interest. My words of advice meant with good intent "this too will pass" just not as soon as you'd like. We just did our wills and were very specific about beneficiaries and how the estate is to be divided between my 2 children. This all happened in February 2019 and was still ongoing when the tree hit our house in November 2019. So I can feel your pain. Just as I thought the end was in sight, I had to deal with another major disaster.
Illinoislady: Is your BIL home? I don't know why I thought you were getting his house ready for his homecoming. If he is home, how will you manage to clean around him if he is such a packrat? Not sure I would be willing to take on that project and if I did, the first time he objected to what I was doing I would call a cleaning and decluttering service. You are far kinder than me.
Chisandy: hope you are recovering from your cold and that your DS and DDIL are on the mend as well.
MM: Sounds like you had a great time with your family.
Chris: hope you are doing well and that Tippy is coming around.
Looks like DD and DSIL will be here for longer than we expected but that's okay. DGS is still here and we are unsure when we will ship him home. I hope to get him to help me with weeding over the weekend since the humidity is supposed to be manageable.
Hope everyone has a great day.
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I am poor and naked, but I am the chief of the nation. We do not want riches but we do want to train our children right. Riches would do us no good. We could not take them with us to the other world. We do not want riches. We want peace and love.
Red Cloud
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I just have to say a great big wow to almost everything here since my last brief posting yesterday. I also realize that handling an estate is VERY daunting. I was executor for my mother who had no will and while she had enough to make a couple of issues — nothing like you Petite and Betrayal.
Most of my hours on the phone have revolved around third party billing and the VA that requires a case number on ALL billing. The hospitals that use an outside operator usually do NOT, for reasons un-beknown to me, share that number.
I think Betrayal is right — the pain will lessen Petite but is a true frustration and annoyance to wade through at the moment. Not sure why things seem to pile on in multiples, but I hope it resolves in the same way. Sleeping on something overnight often helps — a fresh rested perspective on the issues after some space takes place. Here's hoping.
Just heard something interesting. We were over at BIL's yesterday after some rest. By the way, he is not yet living at home but like everything else that gets talked about — we will likely end up doing his house all on our own — getting certain rooms done that he will use constantly and then taking our time with the rest. So lots of work right now. Anyway, we thought the replacement window specialist hired had come to measure as most of the screws were out of the window yesterday. Also only one left partially in holding the board Dh had put up. Well, a call to the window company this morning and ti turns out apparently the possible thief had come back . Took out all the screws and laid them carefully aside on a little ledge near the window. Apparently still couldn't get in though. Board was back on being help with only one screw not all the way screwed down. Just wow!!! Sadly, there is nothing much in the house worth bothering with as almost all electronics are with the BIL still at his rented facility. Also, any money and true valuables were removed early on over three yrs. ago. What few or minor things there are worth almost nothing at pawn shops. Just amazing.
Chris, Puffin, and everyone not posting regular — you are thought about. Hope everyone is going to have a good Friday with things being smooth.
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Petite, I am so sorry you are having so many hassles with the estate settlement! Honestly, I don't know what you said on the phone, but just reading what you were going through and then having the response she gave, I would have lost it for sure! I hope the insurance companies Cindy suggested are of help to you! Thank you for sharing about the beneficiaries.
Cindy, so kind of you to help out with the insurance company information for petite! Enjoy Cape Cod, but seriously, how could you not enjoy it? It is gorgeous there! I will cross my fingers for good weather for you!
I love all of you here, the love, compassion and understanding exceeds what I ever imagined. Every day someone offers some advice, expresses something interesting, or just a friendly comment to something that was mentioned.
I was lucky and unlucky not to have to do anything estate wise when my parents passed due to my health issues at the time. My oldest siblings took control. My parents had done a lot of preparing so that made it easier, but still, I appreciated that my older brother and sister really did the work to get their estates settled. The bad part is I didn't get the experience of the process. My husband and I have updated wills, but it is basic, after debts paid, our two children split the rest. Now after reading Petite and Betrayal's posts, I wonder if we should be more specific? All of our bank accounts and pensions, IRA, etc have us listed as beneficiary, basically, whoever passes first gets it all. The hope is that at that time, the survivor would create new beneficiaries, our two children. I really need to read up on estate planning.
Carole, they still haven't found those sweet children. The father and the four year old boy and grandmother survived. They know the other's are gone, but I pray they find their tiny bodies so the family can have some closure. Nature can indeed be cruel. They expect the sections of the road that was washed away will be fixed in a few weeks. Not much comfort, but they always add that to the news.
Today I went back to decluttering, going through countless sets of sheets, old towels, etc. from the large room upstairs. I can only work so long upstairs as even with AC it gets hot up there. I think I am more efficient when I do it an hour at a time. I am definitely in the right frame of mind to let go of things!
Sandy, I hope you, your DS and his DW are all feeling much better! I also hope Heidi is holding her own! Sounds like she is a happy cat.
Betrayal, sounds like you have a good helper for your gardens! I hope your DD and her DH are able to move back into their house soon, and all the repairs go much better and faster than expected!
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MM: Having just done an update on our wills I can tell you that if both you and your Dh were to pass at the same time, your children would not benefit from your current wills and would be tied up forever trying to settle your estate especially in PA. Also, would your DH be able to handle having a new will executed if you were to pass first? I encourage you to look into new wills which provide specifics beyond your current distributions. Even household contents need to be discussed though that can be handled by you in agreement with your children and a copy submitted to your lawyer.
We were listed as beneficiaries on my mother's annuities, etc. but you still need to complete all sorts of forms to get it distributed and each beneficiary has to complete their own form but only the executor can submit them with the death certificate. I had one DB assist me and the other 2 just waited for their shares. At first, I was not going to accept the payment for being executor but considering the time and effort it took to settle the estate, I changed my mind when DB 2 asked when "he was getting his money". Not only did I have to contact all these companies (kept notes of each contact), I had to keep an account of all expenditures and receipts for bridge tolls, turnpike tolls, gas, mailing expenses, etc. I had to share this with the lawyer and with the CPA who did the taxes. NJ penalizes you 10% of the estate if there is an error in your state tax filing which is why I let the lawyer file. The lawyer advised I should take the payment for executor services rendered so I did. I did send the DB who assisted me a generous check in addition to his share of the estate. I had to notify each beneficiary by certified mail with a return receipt and that cost $. Family would submit a current address and then after I filed, notify me they had moved! So I had to let the lawyer know to make changes on state filings. It was a nightmare when they then said they didn't get their checks, etc and I had to tell them to file with their post office since they were sent registered mail. The postage bill alone was a small fortune.
She missed sending the final payment on her life insurance, so they kept the entire face value of her policy. Paid over 50 years on the policy and they screwed her in the end. Hope they go out of business for their greed.
So wills are only as good as the details you have provided and the state is willing to take its share for those who do not have their ducks in a row. Our lawyer did due diligence with updating our wills, DPA and advanced healthcare directives. PA is one state where even if you have stated your final wishes, if one child doesn't agree, it may not be honored by the MD. I have witnessed children going against the parent's wishes and it is not pretty. Just a word to the wise because the time to learn is not when you are in the throes of settling an estate.
Illinoislady: Glad your BIL is not there. I would box up all those items you consider unnecessary and keep them onsite in the garage. If he misses them, then open that labeled box. If he doesn't, then after 6 months or so, they would gradually leave the premises. Funny how out of sight and out of mind go hand in hand. After spending 3 years recovering from our misadventure, we donated a lot of items that no longer had a purpose here, tossed any that were damaged or not suitable for donation, and kept items that still had meaning or purpose to us. Not sure I would want to do this for someone else because most are reluctant to part with "things" and yet, on their demise, someone will have to deal with them. This is why I still keep winnowing away at closets and drawers. Do I want to leave a mess for my children? Nope.
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Betrayal, I'm sure MM will bless you. You gave her such a great detailed accounting of what usually goes into designations and wills upon the demise of one or both parents. Things do change through the years and not sure my Mom's fairly small estate would work out as it did back in 1998. She will have a good starting point for researching just what is needed. I did not take any money for doing my mother's, but then it was only slightly over $100,000.00 at the time.
Also, things happened right away like the only other heir left in our family, my sister, died after leaving here and going home — within the first day and a half she was back in California. I did however have to give her portion (1/3 each) to her husband and two living children of hers.
They got tired of waiting (once they realized money was coming) and so I told the boys to do what they felt they had too, but if they hired a lawyer, they would have to pay him out of what little they were due to receive. They could end up with virtually nothing. So they waited. My lawyer was in charge of disbursements, so we ALL were waiting.
Pretty successful at BIL's this afternoon. Mainly as the two brothers were late getting there so I didn't have the 'owner' under foot watching me. I was able to toss out a number of things he would have tried to resist. He had chop sticks as his ex was actually from Malaysia. They were not expensive, and I knew no one who would want them so as he wasn't there, they accidentally fell into the trash bag. I also ditched a lot of his cleaning supplies. Don't have any idea how old they were, and I know for sure he would not use them anymore anyway. He only needs a few items — just enough to fit into a cleaning tray. Even that will be used likely much more by whichever of us assists him with his housekeeping. He will need direction most of the time — so even if he is successful staying at his house, it will be because he has some of us continually checking on him and directing some of his activities. He is mostly a couch potato spending large blocks of time watching t.v..
I'm a little bushed, but I've gotten most of my work in the kitchen done. Now I need to finish the pantry off which was several more bags of throw-away food. Also a lot of cartons of soda (something he seems to have mainly given up) that had sit for over three yrs. Some of the cans had developed holes just sitting there and leaked and were nearly empty while others thank goodness stayed intact, but none was really any good. So I spend much time opening cans and pouring down the drain. Was on my feet for several hours today again. Probably good for me
ETA: Betrayal — as to boxing up things and storing in garage — I think that is an excellent idea. He actually has two garages so keeping items there would be great. He is no long allowed to drive so it would give us a reason to use the second newer garage. The first is a big pole barn garage. He has tons of tools with many being commercial grade. I'd love to see many of those be sold off since he won't be using them. It is a shame for so many nice things to go begging when they don't need too.
Well, I can suggest and see what flies.
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I've been following everyone's postings.
I'm still maintaining all the perennial and annual flower beds at my 55+ building. We had a hail storm go through last week, I've gone through and cleaned up all the damage. Our biggest hydrangea had the worst damage, only 4 sticks remaining with a couple dangling shredded leaves, all the huge flowers gone. My cherry tomato plants held up well despite losing a pile of leaves. I've harvested 2 quarts of tomatoes since the storm.
Next week Thursday I'm flying to Scotland with a friend, we'll spend a day in Edinbough (have tickets to the castle) and then a week on Shetland with a nature tour of 8 people. Plans are to see birds, porpoises, whales and seals. Returning Aug 5.
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I too second the suggestion that you get your financial and legal affairs in order before it's too late.. I'm so sorry it is so hard, Petite.
We have all our financial transactions at one brokerage, keep a minimum in checking. and have each written the each other, our daughter, and then my niece in both financial and medical POA. We have been very clear about our end of life preferences in the legal documents. Everything but our IRA's and the cars are in a Trust. Ironically, we updated everything just as Covid hit. We have a financial advisor and elder attorney who I really trust to help Debbie or Rebecca if they need to.
My Mom's estate was easy to manage because she had done all of those things and we are conscientious about doing the same. Her will gave 1/3 each to my sister and me and 1/9th to each of the 3 grandchildren and no one rushed me to settle except me. Mom had even gone to the lawyer with my sister and me giving me financial POA before she got too senile. My folks also gave me the responsibility for making all decisions instead of having my sister and me have to pass legal documents back in forth like Ken's parents did. It was a hassle for both brothers. M & D had discussed it with both us very early and we did in effect make all decisions together but I was the only who had to sign off on them.
Haven't done as well as getting our household paired down as many of you have though. Every time that Ken is banging the pots and pans (he's the cook), I swear I'm going to make him get rid of some pans. Who needs 3 dutch ovens, including one that is so heavy that it is difficult to get it from the cabinet to the stove! If we have a food processor, do we really need a blender too???
I'm finding "Swans" somewhat pedantic although I'm sticking with it. I vowed to start reading the books on my Kindle from the oldest to the newest so I have had it for a long time.
Have a good (and safe) weekend everyone.
Marge
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Cindy, thank you for the information.
It takes more than a will. We have wills. DH had investments without a beneficiary and our house and one rental did not have my name on it. I am taking a break from thinking about it and will enjoy the visit from my DN and her SO.
I woke up very early and could not go back to sleep. Now I am tired and will take a nap before they get here.
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puffin, enjoy Scotland! If you can post pictures! Regardless, have a great time! I thought of you when my DH and I were watching a new "birding" show. The first episode was on the birds of Washington, D.C. and it was fascinating! Both my DH and I love watching the birds outside!
We have beneficiaries on our house and all accounts. I just need to go back to our bank accounts, home etc and make sure our children are listed on them too. I REALLY appreciate all the advice. Just when I think I am prepared, I find that I am not. Better now than after the fact! As for precious possessions, I am going to try to give most of them to the people I want to have them prior to our demise.
Betrayal, did I understand correctly that we can write specific items down and who we want them to go to and simply ask our attorney to include a copy of that in our will as an attachment? I apologize for being so ignorant about these matters.
I may have mentioned this before, but I have a picture of my father with President Johnson in the White House. The secretary sent it to my father along with a note. My DD wants it, but I promised it to my son who has my maiden name as his middle name. I want to take it to a photographer and see if I can get it out of the frame and have copies made so each grandchild can have one. I am praying it isn't stuck to the glass, in which case it will remain untouched. We still laugh at the note that was sent with it. It said "The President was looking at the photos today and thought you would like a copy of this." Ummm, I don't think Presidents have time to sit around looking at photo's. LOL
Like many of you, my reason for decluttering is so my kids don't have to! I asked my DS while he was here what he wanted and he said "for you to get rid of the junk so we don't have to!" At least we are on the same page!
I wish I felt better. I have not felt well for months. When I tried to see my PCP and BS to tell them of specific issues, both visits were a complete mess. I have a wellness visit scheduled at the end of August with a new PCP, but I think I am making an appointment with her sooner if possible. I am waiting to see what happens with my MO visit that I have on Thursday. In the time being, I am trying to eat much healthier than I did when the kids were here. I still plan to sign up for the gym and go there this week. My knee is hurting again, but I know that is from my weight gain and lack of my normal exercise. I think diet and exercise will help that a lot.
I did grocery shopping this morning, not a lot to get, I still have a lot of fruit from when my DS and family were here. My DGS wanted a plum but they weren't ripe. Nothing worse than unripen fruit!
I plan to work up stairs again today. I am very much in the mood to get rid of things and as long as my body will allow me to work, I will! I keep reminding myself that if I don't get rid of things now, I will have to deal with them again. Do I really want to do that? No!
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Buried deep in the maze of commonplace, the pearl of
true happiness lies. And those who rejoice in little things,
find the pathway that leads to the prize.
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Lovely morning out today. Happy Saturday. Well, hopefully it will stay that way the rest of the day. Have to go down and buy a new crosscut shredder. As I suspected —- the guys wrecked my (not very old one) shredder yesterday. Now they will go buy their own. So much for that sort of help. They should pay towards it, but they won't.
Yes - much junk to get rid of here at my house and at BIL's. He is something of a pack rat even though he did use some arrangement for it. Just that too much is too much no matter how neat you may attempt to be. Not sure, but I think some could have been just lazy habit. Anyway, while I can't create how it really should be I can get it a lot closer. I do see that no matter what else, someone will have to take charge of cleaning cycles at BIL's. Seeing his behavior when he is there now, I do question how well he will do. I do know the other brother will take charge of the paperwork — paying bills and taking his brother to the store, and appts, etc., but the writing is on the wall. Most of the physical labor of keeping organization and cleaning in the house is going to fall to someone else.
Glad to hear from you Puffin. The trip to Scotland sounds delightful. Hope you can share some pictures with us. We used to have lots of bird feeders in our yard, but while we only had a couple of indoor-outdoor cats and they couldn't climb the cat feeders, it was difficult for us even then to fill the feeders. We finally just quit.
Carole, I hope it is staying nice for you in MN. It is hard to imagine cool summers since they don't happen here. I honestly think I could be sometimes too cool where you are. We have been known to be too cool outside at night in August here but it is in-consistent and so we usually have a light lap robe tucked in the back of the car any time we plan to be out for an extended period.
Hope you all have a fine Saturday.
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MM: The lawyer said to not include specific items in the will because they then become part of the estate and would require someone to assess their value before distribution. So the list is items that they have expressed an interest in and they would claim ownership outside the will. So my DS wants a painting I did of Ireland many moons ago and my car (just because he likes the brand; I intend for it to be my last car). My mother put names on the bottom of items that we had expressed interest in and we pretty much honored this when she died. I did swap a cherry table with my brother because she had put my name on the wrong one. He was happy with the swap because he liked the other table better. While she was still alive she had items in her house that she did not take with her when she moved and they had not been earmarked, so we all met and took whatever we wanted. I think I took back some items I had bought her over the years that no one else wanted.
petite1: Sorry that your name had not been listed as a beneficiary or co-owner on the properties. I hope the penalties are not burdensome. You cannot seem to catch a break and fingers crossed, I hope you get one soon.
BTW, no one thinks of car ownership but it pays to have both names listed on titles on individual cars and that is something we need to do. Same goes for bank accounts with adding your children's names on them. You may not wish to disclose that quite yet, but banks essentially lock down accounts when they learn someone is deceased. My DB had access to my mother's accounts so he was able to make a withdrawal before they knew, but then they shutdown the accounts. I had to get the IRS EIN to then access them for any expenses. Having to pay some of the estate expenses out of pocket would have been a burden for some and I did front the money on some with the estate reimbursing me. I felt like an accountant once this was all over. You then have to remind your children that if there is real estate involved, like my DD wanting my house, that her will has to specify what she wants as far as the house. In our will my DSIL currently inherits only if he outlives her by X days, otherwise it goes to my DS and GC. So many things to consider and if you have a good lawyer, they walk you through all the "what if's" that you don't really consider. We even set up trusts for the GC.
One agent failed to make a change in annuity ownership when my Dad died and it wasn't discovered until my mother died. We had met with her, signed all the required paper work for new ownership and new beneficiaries, etc, but she failed to file it. My mom did get the income over those 10 years but I am not sure why, co-owner? When I found the paper work and realized the failure, I contacted the agent she had dealt with and he was able to rectify the situation. It was a large annuity and we would have been out a good bit of money. So I had to submit my dad's death certificate and he handled it from there. This was a Murphy's law crash course in estate settlement and it was so time consuming. Glad I will never have to settle another estate.
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Betrayal, wow, you gave so much great information, I can't thank you enough!!!!!
The only thing I question is putting another name on my car title. I only have my car in my name, as I was always told that if we had both names on a vehicle and there was an accident with lawsuit, that the other person would also be held liable? Am I confusing the title with the registration? I thought the registration had to have the same names as those on the title. My car is paid in full.
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Not sure about that but know my friend was unable to sell her son's car without difficulty because it was only in his name.
Forgot to wish everyone a wonderful Saturday.
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Finally read all of the posts and catching up after vacation. We had a wonder time at the beach. Very relaxing. Weather was hot and humid, as expected. We had one evening of rain. Our beach rental was nice, about 5 houses from beach access and about 1/2 mile from some of the shops in Duck. DH and I went to the beach early to setup our umbrellas and chairs. Our kids (DD, SIL, GD, DS and DIL) usually came down later. The baby still does a morning nap, so they came down after her nap. We went out to dinner Tuesday evening. If you’re ever in Duck, I’d recommend the Paper Canoe. We had dinner early to accommodate the baby. The baby and I shared a plain baked potato and tile fish. Others had specials and well seasoned meals. One our final day, DS and DIL were walking their dog around 6am and saw a sea turtle laying eggs in a hole on the beach. DS called the sea turtle rescue who promptly arrived to rope off the area. The sea turtle covered the eggs and went back into the sea. DS took video.
We arrived home yesterday late afternoon. Hit some traffic, which added an additional 90 minutes to the trip. The cats were all over our laundry and us, smelling the dogs and the beach. While we were gone, our pet sitter dealt with ants for several days. Laundry is almost all done and groceries are replenished. I’m exhausted.Shanagirl - sorry to hear about your diagnosis. Sending you healing vibes.
Sandy - hope you’re feeling better. Summer colds are the worst.
Puffin and Cindy - enjoy your vacations.
Taco - you inspired me to send in a donation to our local food bank.
Betrayal - our wills were updated 7 years ago. I feel like we were pretty thorough but should probably review them again since it’s been awhile.Sorry you have so many hassles lately Petite. I hope you’re able to get them resolved quickly.
Hope you’ve gotten the shredder replace Illinois. Nice to have one available. Sounds like there’s lots of work to do at BIL house.
Enjoy the decluttering Mavericksmom. The picture with LBJ with your Dad sounds cool.Hope you’re doing well Carole. We have cool mornings here (low 60s), but I’m sure not as cool as MN.
Sounds like your recovery is going well Chris. Glad you’re able to take walks with Tippy.
Apologies if I missed anyone. I hope everyone is doing well. Enjoy your Saturday evening.
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Cardplayer, welcome home. Sounds like the beach and family were fantastic. I would have loved to have seen the turtle myself. Maybe the early morning jaunts are more conducive to certain events.
Anyway — glad you are back.
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Cardplayer, it sounds like your vacation was wonderful. Relaxing with family is such a treat and seeing that turtle lay eggs would be right at the top of my 10 ten things to see.
Hope to get out to do some more weeding with DGS today after a few days of relative inertia due to knees. Found some good series on Netflix to fill the hours but did do some sewing repair work for DD and DGS. Not creative but restorative when it's ripped arm pits or hems that keep them from wearing the clothing.
Have been cooking dishes that family love such as French toast for breakfast that by accident I added almond extract instead of vanilla and it was really good. Made homemade blueberry pancakes for dinner that we eat with butter and confectioner sugar rather than syrup. They like home cooked meals and as long as they will clean up after, I am game. Easier to do for group of 5 than just 2.
Hope everyone has a great Sunday. It is 73 degrees at present with lower humidity so a nice day to be outside.
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Cardplayer, lovely photo. I enjoyed the turtle story and details about your vacation.
Puffin, enjoy your wonderful trip. Shetland sounds like a great place for seeing birds.
Jackie, sounds like you're making progress with organizing your BIL's house. He is a lucky man to have family doing so much for him.
Hot weather is coming to MN next week. Minneapolis/St. Paul are supposed to reach high 90's.
I have been depressed over my cousin Iris's health news. She is on hospice care. She's 4 or 5 years younger than I.
Happy Sunday to all.
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Each of us makes the choice about how we feel, though it often seemsto be controlled by other people or events. We can alter our perception.We can restore our balance. We can choose peace of mind. We canchoose the texture of a day. Each day seems to have a life of its own, but we are that life. We canchoose to change the texture at any point. Take a deep breath, stop fora cup of tea, smile at someone, think of something that brings you joy,plan a dream. . . . This minute, experience the part of the journey you arein now. Make this minute what you want for a lifetime. Alter the texture ofyour day in any way you choose, but recognize that the textureand the minute are yours.Jennifer James0 -
Carole, I'm sorry to hear about your cousin. It's hard to hear about those younger than us facing an end — sort of reminds you we are on the shorter end of life's scale now.
The only thing I know (and it is my personal feeling) is that we have pre-figured our life and circumstances and, in that frame, 'thy will be done' so that we are here learning and growing by not only our own choices, which include our beginnings and endings here, but also the learning and growing we will experience through others. It all has meaning whether we can grasp it well or not. Like the underside of the quilt — all is intertwined and if not now, someday we will see how all of it fits and that it was just RIGHT for us. These are some of the things that make my existence easier for me although we all have to struggle through many of the same questions and feelings.
Back to BIL's today. We are trying to spend a couple of hrs. there a day — do what we can and then home to take care of our own backyard so to speak.
The upside for me is that I think I am doing a bit better with the increased activity levels as I have to cram a bit more into BIL's house since we limit being there.
The 'financial' BIL bought a shredder and had it there yesterday. He told me that I could have it after everything at BIL's was shredded to replace mine they just burned up. I had already replaced mine with one that read out as better than the one I had and pretty much better than the one that appeared at BIL's . It already seems if they are not careful that the one they bought will not last either if they are not a bit more careful. Obviously non-commercial shredders need down time after a few minutes. You can not continue to cram things in. They requested I bring over the one I purchased which may work out if they trade off each time the one being used needs a rest period.
We do have those traveling commercial shredders and one place where you take in what is to be shredded. I presume they do not want to spend the funds to do it that way — who knows. I love my dh's family (in a way) but they all have seen themselves for most of their lives as smarter than God so no point in arguing with them. They will beat you senseless with their opinions. Not pointing fingers here, but as they are of a different political persuasion, so we have outlawed those sorts of discussions so as to have a relationship with them. Sometimes they are pretty solid about other things as well — so sometimes we just need to go along to get along. Doubtful any of us will change.
I hope you all have a good day.
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Illinoislady: If they had burnt out my shredder without offering to replace it and then asked me to supplement theirs with my new one, my reply would be a sharp "no". Offering you theirs after they finish shredding and which will probably be toast by then, is not an acceptable offer. They have services that will shred, at a cost, large amounts of paper which is what they seem to be dealing with. I would tell them this is the most cost effective in times of cost, time and human effort. You bale it up, deposit it and then pay them to shred and dispose. Don't know the situation for trash disposal or recycling in your area but this paper can be recycled by the shredding company versus going to a landfill. Some shredding companies provide bins you can fill and they pickup when you are done.
The cost may be less than having to spend hours shredding and replacing home shredders which are not meant for large volumes. The household ones overheat very easily and after one or two overheats are toast.
I would also tell them they need to be looking for a low cost cleaning service to tend to the normal housekeeping once you have helped them establish order. There are services which offer lower cost to seniors.
I understand "going along to get along", but also feel that their plan is to let others do for them what they would never offer in return if the tables were turned. So I would establish some boundaries as to what services I would be willing to offer and which I would not consider under any circumstances including for immediate family.
You are such a kind and giving person that needs to also prioritize your health and the impact these demands could make on it especially since it seems you are doing two households for now. Are you hydrating like you should and what is this doing to your BP? I do not mean to offend and hope you do not take it that way but I feel they may be taking advantage of your offer for assistance. I would most likely define what I would be willing to do and provide them with a list of things they must take care of without your assistance. Seems your BIL is fiscally able to do some of this but doesn't want to.
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Carole - sorry to hear about your cousin. Are you able to go visit her?
Illinois - sounds like decluttering BIL home is taking lots of time even with many family members helping out. Will BIL be upset when he returns to a cleanup home? Glad there are others pitching in. I’d leave your new shedder at home.
Betrayal - if you enjoy sports, there’s a Netflix series called Quarterback that follows Mahones, Cousins and Mariota over the 2022 season. Interesting series.
Started off cool again this morning, but has started to heat up. We expect to have 90+ degrees this week, so DH and I will continue our early mor walks. Trying to do some cleaning done today. Still some laundry to do that can probably wait till later in the week. I’m tired of folding.
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Cardplayer, wow, what an awesome vacation you had! I would love to see a sea turtle lay eggs, actually, I would just love to see a sea turtle in the wild! There was a Hallmark movie a few years ago called "The Beach House." It was about a widow who was battling cancer, and she was an avid sea turtle enthusiast. It has some mild drama, some sad parts too, but it is a really good movie.
Carole, I am so very sorry to hear about your cousin.
I wish my DS had used hospice care. Not sure why, but she absolutely refused it and got very angry if anyone mentioned it. In the end, she would have really benefited from it as well as her family. My sister fought until the end, but it did not go well.
She died 12 yrs ago on July 21st. I was working a summer job as a bus aide for a summer school program. The morning of July 20th they removed her breathing tube. We expected to hear that she passed that day, but I went to work the next day and told my co-workers that my sister might have passed away. They thought I was crazy for coming to work, but I couldn't stand sitting around waiting (she lived in TX) and the children on my bus had severe disabilities and any change in their day could really throw them off, so I went to work. It wasn't until late in the evening, more than 24 hours after the removal of her tube, that she passed. Only then did I realize that removing a breathing tube didn't mean instant death as they show in so many movies. Very sad. I think she would have had a gentler passing had she had hospice care.
Today I gathered 7 very large trash bags full of linens and other things to donate! The large room upstairs is basically done now, but the small room is full of things and will take a week or more to go through. I could do it in a few days if I could work in there longer or at least every day. We have a number of appointments this week that I need to work around. Tuesday, I plan to make a big dent in that room. I am so tired of doing major de-cluttering that my mindset is fixed on letting go of things! The emotional tugging is not happening as much as it did in prior years.
After the upstairs is done, I have to go through my china cabinet and kitchen cabinets again.
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Sorry I have been gone so long. Lurking though. Trying to make do without Tramadol. Cannot sleep, but ice and TENS and lidocaine patches and a bit of heat are helping. Will call in a request for more, just for sleep. With the TENS, I can do a bit of work, then sit down and rest. Really getting quite a bit done.
Not going to backtrack and note all the events good and bad and accomplishments. Lost a nice post the day before yesterday. I know how to backtrack without losing what I have written, but my mind is toast. My thoughts and prayers are with you. Going to maintain a lower internet profile for a while.
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Chris, thanks for chiming in. I must admit I was a bit concerned about you due to the big gap between postings but realize this is a time of healing for you. Hope you can get some Tramadol for sleep and I would be sure to tell them that you cannot sleep due to the pain. Hopefully you will talk to someone who is empathetic. Glad you can use the TENS unit though.
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My estate lawyer told me the same thing, to make a list of specific items and who they go to, date it and put it with my will.
As for shredding, my credit union lets me bring in my papers and they just add it to their shredding at no charge.
It's supposed to get to the mid to hi 90's this week, glad it's supposed to be cooler in Scotland. I've arranged for people to take care of the flower beds here while I'm gone so the heat doesn't fry them.
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Cardplayer - that looks like a wonderful relaxing vacation. Seeing the turtles hatch their eggs is an added bonus.
Chris - sorry to hear you are unable to sleep. I hope you get some help with that soon as restorative sleep is so important to healing
Illinoislady & MM - I’m so impressed with your cleaning and decluttering. I keep delaying by telling myself it’s a good winter project. Of course, I have been telling myself that for several years.
Informative discussion on wills. I think we have everything set up appropriately however, it’s been a few years since I reviewed our wills so I think we should do a double check. When we both are gone, our only child will get anything that is left.
DH is on vacation this week, however, our weather will hit the 90’s again this week, so we will have a low key week. We had planned to go to Nova Scotia this week, but decided against it. We went to Ireland last fall, Iceland in March and have a trip to South America planned for early 2024, so we thought it best not to spend money on an additional vacation this year. Given the wildfires and flooding they are having in NS, it seems we made a wise decision. Hopefully we will make it to NS in the next few years. This week will be a staycation with a few day trips to nearby Wisconsin. Had dinner with BIL tonight and visited his new home. It was a wonderful time to catch up.
Have a good week everyone!
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MM and Jackie - I so worry that you are both working too hard. You have had a rough year, both emotionally and physically. Don't you push yourself too hard either, Chris.
Puffin - sounds like another great birding adventure. My DH enjoyed birding until his back got too bad for him to walk too long, especially on rough terrain. He did the Christmas count several years.
I have very fond memories of a trip we took - we drove to SLC and he left me at the genealogy library and he went birding in Oregon. I flew up there and we drove Route 1 to LA.
We were told we could make a list of designated personal items as well as small bequests that would be attached to our wills and trust. We each have our own cars and I have a small checking account that my SS check goes to but everything else is joint and AZ is a community property state.
Friends have told me that here in AZ it is fairly easy to change titles on cars but as I think of it, it's one more thing to have to deal with. Both state and federal laws change often so it doesn't hurt to at least touch base with an attorney to insure that things are in order. The state and the feds take a much bigger cut if there is no will. I should be telling our daughter that too.
SIL is a real pack rat and her son has already told her he will just call the "Jesus Truck" and have them take everything. What I worry about is how much she has that even a thrift shop wouldn't want.
Hope everyone has had a good weekend. Ours was quiet. I cancelled both my morning golf games - too hot. Or maybe I should say, too many days that have been too hot.
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