The dumbest things people have said to you/about you
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Valgal - given his previous wife's death and your diagnosis, it may be just overwhelming for him - especially if he's thrown back into any despair he fel with his first wife. My husband's comment to me one time was "the person that I would talk to about the fears I'm feeling is the one person that I can't talk to right now because it's you!" That statement really made me think about what my husband was going through - not only was my world turned upside down, but so was his. Not to say his "ungrateful" comment wasn't rude...but maybe it's his stress showing.0
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I wanted to scream yesterday when I opened facebook and this was the first message I saw...
Person 1:
"I should just shave my head and start wearing wigs! I hate doing my hair, it always looks like poop! grrr!
...
Person 2:
"People would think you had cancer and oh imagine the rumors, I don't know maybe you could use that to our advantage, get some really hot celebrity guy to come visit you and all your closest friends for your "dying" wish? Ok you sold me so when do we do this shit? I got some clippers LMAO"
I am a pretty shy person who rarely speaks up, but I did summon up enough bravery to submit a response to this. I told them that wigs were not all they are cracked up to be especially when you don't have a choice. That I would love the luxury of worrying about a bad hair day instead of germs, blood counts, etc. I was furious that they would joke about this. We definitely do not "work" cancer to get things. I have a friend who is stage IV and keeps hitting one health obstacle after another, received a trip to make memories at DisneyLand with her kids, but she would have traded 1000 vacations for a promise of 1 more day with her little ones.
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Smile_On... if I were you, I'd be misplacing a couple of FB friends.
Oops! All gone!
otter
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Valgal....so sorry you are going through this on top of waiting fro the 6 month check up....I too feel like my life is on hold for the next 6 months and if all is well, thinking of moving and starting again..but fearful that if cancer were to raise its ugly head again that I would not get the same level of treatment were I to leave my province...so I understand your fears and concerns...as for DH...sounds terrified to me....wanting life to carry on...wanting this sad and scary thing to be over. I called my DH (we are separated so no idea if it is considered ex-DH or what on these threads...) one night inthe middle of radiation week 2...I was having a meltdown, it was 11pm and I was suddenly afraid...inexplicaly or explicably...just afraid and upset and instead of comfort I got an earful of "deal with it" type dialogue....I rarely complain...certainly had not been complaining about cancer - was just getting on with it...but I realized the next day that he is/was terrified and feeling guilty as all get out that he was not here in wih me while I was going through this horrible thing...and it came out as anger instead of fear and upset.
I have come to the decision that when I need support or an ear about this, I go to my girlfriends who are as matter of fact as me or I come here. You have the right to check out the medical system before you leave your breasts etc. in their hands....you need to think of yourself as well as your partner's job prospects etc....but you need to think of your health first, hmm?
Be well. Hope today was better,
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Dear Sande,
You sound like a really strong person and I am sorry about your ex being such an insensitive person. You're right about the anger. I think it's just like everyone says- unless it's you - there's no way to know what it feels like. Even my sister who is verrrry cold at times -said to me this morning, " well, I do think you have a bad attitude about your cancer, a negative attitude" she said. Then she compared me to her neighbor who has a wonderful supportive husband. I am grateful for many things concerning my life and diagnosis, especially when I read what others are going through here on the site. I guess I just don't need anyone to goad me about it. This morning we talked about divorce and in the next breath that maybe he would go see someone with me (because everything is all my fault and I'm crazy). So maybe we can work it out. He also said he's not coming to the birthday dinner I planned for myself with 2 other couples tonight- then he said maybe he had to so I wouldn't bad mouth him to everyone. Yahoo... what a great night. I guess I'll just try to make the best of it - I secretly hope he does stay home tonight. Thanks for caring cyber hugs to all!
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I haven't read every single page of this thread so this has probably been mentioned, excuse the repeat if it has.
When I was first dx'd the phrase that I heard the most often and the one that infuriated me the most was "You're so lucky, at least it's only breast cancer and they can cure that." Most of the people that said it was sincerely trying to make me feel better, others made me feel as though I had nothing but a flu bug and I wanted to strike out and tell them what having BC really means. I did do just that on a few occassions. People don't really know what to say so some of them blurt out the stupidest things in the world! I imagine that some regret it the minute it's out of their mouths and if they try and fix it, matters are made worse. However, it is rather funny watching them stumble around vocally trying to make a dumb statement into an intelligent one.
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Valgal....I am so sorry to hear what a lousy 24 hours this has been....dear god. All you need to hear is 'divorce' on top of cancer....my partner/ex partner...whatever he currently is, had left me inexplicably one weekend 10 months before my diagnosis. It was ten months I do not ever want to repeat..and was, in fact, harder than my diagnosis....all I could say to my surgeon was " this cancer journey canot be any harder than the last ten months of my life" and I meant it...
Sounds like your DH does needs to go for some counselling, with or without you....so my question to you Valgal is, what are you doing to be gentle with yourself while all this is taking place? Your sister, your husband....their fear is coming out sideways. You are allowed to be scared and you are allowed to talk about cancer ...my sister, after her visit in August...three days post surgery, ended up yelling at me saying "Why won't you take care of yourself???" because I was not talking about cancer and drinkning 50 gallons of green tea all day long and was walking and exercizing instead of sitting on my couch all week...she was scared..her healthy little sister had just had cancer removed ...my way of combatting fear is to keep moving...hers is to stop so she did not understand why I did not want to talk about it all..was not throwing away all plastic items from my kitchen, was not ditching my face cream and anted to walk all over town since I had a week off....whether it meant my breast would swell or not. I did complain that week....but it was not about the breast cancer...I ended up with a sinus infection and had to go on antibiotics and I couldn't breathe...all she remembered was the complaining...and how ungrateful I was....
But you know what? that was their fear talking...We are all different and deal with it differently...I decided last year to go to a counsellour...paid my own money, told the fellow I needed an objective listener..did not want advice...I wanted a safe place to cry and complain and I needed his service as a human mirror..nothing more...worked great for me...great way to vent, hear myself and not feel I was being a burden to friends or family....anyone like that you can rturn to in the next little while? Valgal, sounds like you could use someone who will listen to your voice.
I hope your birthday dinner goes smoother than you expect.
Sandee
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Valgal - So sorry to hear about your issues with your DH. I'm single, and I often think it would be easier going through this if married, but obviously that's not always the case. I hope your DH starts dealing with his issues (this disease sucks for us but is also hard on those closest to us), and I really hope you enjoyed your birthday dinner.
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Where is that bus!!!!???? As if we don't have enough to deal with.... to h$ll with him being afraid and not dealing with your illness well. it's not about him....he's the one to "suck it up" and get on with it, we HAVE to be concerned about where we get treatment and what treatment to get. Sorry guys for the rant but I have an a$$ for DH too and we had to have a very serious talk when I was in the middle of chemo, I wasn't strong enough to handle his insecurities and he had to know that.... it helped that I was honest with him about the way I felt.
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I know my husband was trying to be funny, but when I told him I could gain weight on chemo and/or tamoxifen, he said "Oh, great, now you get to be bald and fat." Not really what I wanted to hear.
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When I was first diagnosed, my sister-in-law said, "Oh, it's not that bad." Not that bad?? Wanna trade places? I still get upset when I think about it.
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Sorry, can't resist. Got an email from a cousin with whom I used to be close. She never called, emailed, or wrote during my entire treatment. Got an email with "sorry for falling off the face of the planet...seriously."
Excellent apology. All is well, dear cousin. No problem, hey, it was no big deal, anyway.
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bdavis,
Of course your DH was trying to be funny. Men have notoriously BAD senses of humor. They think the Three Stooges are funny. But the smart ones learn to control what comes out of their mouths. Hope he realized his mistake when he saw your face. Sometimes we have to paint them a picture if we want them to get it.
Bless your heart and best wishes during this ordeal.
Pam
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My husband calls me darth vader (sans helmet) and is constantly patting my head when I have my scarf on. I really think he's fascinated by the entire transformation. He was happy when I cut my hair short and wants me to keep it that way when it grows back. I know on the surface it may sound horrible but he has been so wonderful.
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My DH has pretty much kept his mouth shut...this time. But years ago when I went for a breast reduction (yes, I hear the irony of that!) the night before I "offered" myself to him and asked if he wanted to kiss the "girls" good-bye. "Sure," he said, "And tomorrow I can kiss the twins hello!!"
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lago- Excellent news!!!! whatever doesn't sink us makes us stronger and that goes for relationships...sometimes we need to make it all about us whether we are used to that or not...but having the love and suppor of the people nearest and dearest and making us their #1 priority without the guilt trip...now that is what I am talking about!..
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Sandee. I think he might be enjoying the hair loss in "other places" as well.
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tundra ~ Thanks, this person has a history of saying dumb things so I'm considering the source and limiting my conversations with her for my sanity and her protection! Gina
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I have decided...pretty much decided this when i was going through rads..that if someone leaves me feeling exhausted or edgy or I end up feeling like I have done something wrong and I have no idea what it is....that I will no longer have them in my life....I fill my life with those who bring light, love and good dialogue...who don't whine but simply say what is what...it has made my heart ligher at a time when I need it to be.,
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Lago-Hee! Hee! Think my hubby and your hubby think alike!
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amen Sandeeonherown! our Gut tells who is a positive influence and who is not. I think going through treatment can help us see more clearly the effects toxic people have on us. When our energy is so low, we can't afford to give any of it away.
My mom sucks the energy out of me sometimes, she did something to piss me off and I told her I didn't have the energy to deal with her while I was going through treatment and didn't talk to her for 4 months. I have no regrets and I am happy I had the presence of mind to know that was what was needed then.
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I wonder if some people are so uncomfortable with computers that its easier for them to call you up and bother you to find out? I feel like I'm the opposite- I'd much rather spend an hour online trying to find the answer for something than have to call someone!
When I was first dx, I went and saw on onc before surgery- she was dong an exam on me- felt what was maybe a thickened area on the outer edge and asked if that was the lump? I wanted to say- umm did you read the chart at all? what does 8 oclock subaerola mean to you? Here, over here- feel that marble by my nipple? that would be the lump. She also asked me nonchalantly if they were going to be able to save the nipple, which was the first inkling I had that I would lose it and that was very traumatic for me. I never went back to that onc.
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Hello Girls!
I'm calling to make an appointment to talk to someone today. I just want to thank you all for your input/concern/cyberhugs, it's really good to know that we have a place to vent.
Thanks especially to Sande, I love what you wrote about filling your life with positive people, it reminds me of something my father used to tell me... "There's always somebody trying to take the fun out of life so just avoid them, stay away from them" he was a happy man till the day he died! Guess the old guy had something there.
Hadley, you really make me laugh, it is amazing the way people who deal with patients everyday can be so completely dense. I think sometimes they just babble because they don't really know what else to say.
Kathy/Kelben, I'm right there with you about the DH crybaby stuff - I got married really late in life and I was perfectly capable of my own care (and others care) for 50 years and all of a sudden its me and the DH's issues. I always thought partnership meant combined strengths- not additional weaknesses LOL.
My best for a pain free, stress free day to all. Your Pal Val
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Just read the post about a halo and wings - that was great - may have to borrow that line........,
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Valgal,
I got married mid 30's- old enough to have figured some of my issues out and feel like I was mostly past them- but I think being in a relationship serves as a mirror and magnifying glass sometimes for bringing up issues. When it was just me, I felt like the issues didn't really come up as much cause I did what I wanted and didn't do what I didn't want to do, but when you have another person (who has also been very independent and learned to take care of himself his own way- or has previous baggage from previous relattionships), there are bound to be conflicts that are hard to resolve.
I've only been married just under 3 years, and I was dx 6 months into our marriage,so we fell into this dynamic of him taking care of me all the time- which was somewhat nice since I've never had that, but not very healthy overall, since we are both very independent. So now we are trying to reclaim ourselves a little and sometimes I almost feel like we are starting over and I'm not quite sure how to regain the independant me who was always working on some project instead of sitting here on the couch staring at the tv or computer. I'm leaving for a new job next week tho- working out of town for a few weeks, so that should be a good transition out my rut and also allow him some more time to not have to worry about me feeling neglected while's working out in the shop.
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Alyad, a few weeks of independence is JUST what you should have. It takes a long time to "come around" after a hit like we have taken. DH and I are getting on better now and we understand why we are doing and saying the things we are. Pressure is hard to work under for a short time never mind the year and sometimes years of pressure we have endured. Keep your chin up and laugh whenever you can.
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Lago and Barbe...you girls should not be copping any rubbish from anyone on here! The very title of this thread implies that it isn't a touchy feely all round hugging kind of thread! It's a thread for venting and if you can't handle it then go to a different thread. Pretty simple. Some of us have a somewhat "dark" sense of humour and laughing about the dumb things people say falls in that category. This is a prime example of "if you can't stand the heat get out of the kitchen"...there is a sign on the door!!! Barbe, you can be harsh, but I love it. Just because we have BC doesn't mean we all have to go soft! Having said that I have seen some of the most supportive, loving comments on this thread too. My view: there are those of us who "pink" and those of us who don't. This is very much a non pink thread, if you don't like it find another one because I know I need people like Barbe to make me laugh at her boldness and admire her for it. As her tag line says...cancer stole my breasts but it didn't steal my sense of humour. GOOD!
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Well said mum.
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I second that chabba.
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What Rae said!
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