The dumbest things people have said to you/about you
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Hadley: That particular lady/nurse needs to get an open mind and a life! Hope everything goes well with you getting the protection that you need when going to the doctor.
As to other people's lives seemingly going smoothly - they don't. I think some people maybe just cover these things up better than others (like myself).
Julie
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Hadley, my workplace is indeed awesome. I get to hire folks (teachers ) I train so it means I get to build a positive spirited, loving team of teachers....a great deal all around!
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I just wnted to say to the people that say we are so strong. thats right you dont see me cry in the bathroom every night while dry heaving and in the morning waking up to the dry heaves the pain on the inside when i go to bed at night knowing that i have the rset of my life to worry about this that i just want to fight and kick cancers ass for me and my family my husband and my children but ya know what yes when i go out into the "real world" with my shoes on and my smile on i do look like a strong person because I hold my head up high because I am fighting with everything i can to kick cancers a@s
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Dayzeroze: You got it!0
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Dayzerosze..the fact that you do cry and dry heave and carry on with a smile means you are strong..inside and out my dear..inside and out! (but boy..doesn't hearing "I couldn't be that strong" start to drive you nuts after awhile? What are the other options? )...Stay strong Dayzerone!
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I have a little blog for myself, which I've told no one about, not even my family. It has no followers, gets no comments, it's just a place for the post-cancer me to get out my thoughts. Rather therapeutic at times.
I wrote this post today and it seems to fit nicely in this thread:
What not to say to someone with cancer
We all say the wrong things at times, otherwise known as sticking your foot in your mouth. I'm certainly guilty of uttering thoughtless comments that I've immediately regretted. And I'm also sure that before having had cancer myself, I might not have know what to say to someone who was just diagnosed. Still, some of the things I've heard during my cancer experience defy all common sense and etiquette. So if someone you know has cancer, here's a little help...Please don't tell me about all the people you know - your grandmother, your husband's aunt, your neighbor across the way - who suffered terribly and then died of their cancer. Why, why, why do you think I would want to hear this? Is knowing about someone dying from cancer somehow supposed to make me feel better? How does that work? If you're going to share stories, share some good ones, people with a similar cancer to mine, who are surviving and doing great. Give me some hope, don't throw me down the well. It's a long, hard climb back up these days.
When you see me, please don't say "Wow, you look great!" as if you are shocked and stunned to see I'm not bald, pale and skeletal. I'm not at death's door and I don't want to be reminded of the time I was indeed bald, pale and skeletal. And please don't say, "How are you?" with that note of concern in your voice. Most of the time I'm just fine, and chances are I'm not going feel like sharing details with you anyway, unless we are particularly close.
Which brings me to my next point - why do casual acquaintances think they have the right to inquire about my cancer? To ask personal questions like, "So, are you in remission?" If you just returned to work from a heart attack, how would you feel if I asked you, "So, do the doctors think you're going to die soon from another one?" Because that, in a nutshell, is what is being asked. And especially please don't ask me those kind of questions in public places - like the lunch line at the cafeteria, where everyone surrounding us hears and looks over, thinking, oh look, she has cancer...
And if for some reason you simply cannot contain yourself and must ask me how I'm doing, don't refer to it as "my little problem". It's not a "little problem". It's f*cking CANCER, not a stomach ache or a sprained ankle.
Please don't tell jokes about death and dying when I'm around. I know lot of people enjoy black humor, but that's only because they haven't had to face their own mortality yet, real up close and personal-like. Sure, you can say, "I've thought about dying plenty". But daydreaming about it in no way compares with having it thrown in your face as a very real and distinct possibility.
Now you're probably thinking, well, geez, what can I say that's not going to offend? I think the best thing to do is keep it simple. This in most cases would suffice - "I'm so sorry this is happening to you. Please let me know if there is anything I can do to help." And mean it. Sometimes just being there is enough.
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Minxie....could not have said it better myself...exactly right!
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Sounds like they are very supportive! Great...and no worries about the few tears...helps you through and keeps it all human, hmm?
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spot on minxie. I'm one of those people who likes attention when I am sick, but not too clingy please. People don't really get it, and I understand that, but please use a little common sense.
Hadley no one deserves a chance more than you. Way to go girl, kick some butt in that new job.
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OK I might be the exception but I really like it when someone tells me I look good… I remember my SIL saying to me how great I looked (was wearing a scarf) and she would never know I was going through chemo till I showed her my fingernails.
I always like people telling I looked… especially now because of chemo and I'm about to turn 50 in days.
But don't tell me about someone dying of cancer! So far no one has done that but I when they do I'll ask "Wow, really, do you know of anyone else that died of cancer?"
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Hadley, you are definately being told not to worry!
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Hadley, that is TRULY a sign! God has a great sense of humour you know......
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I want a lady bug!!!
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Nope! They're for Hadley for now, as long as she needs them. Isn't that just too cool??
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It's so very cool.
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Wow, Hadley, very neat. Good luck tomorrow.
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Hadley, I think they hibernate in the winter in cracks in the house. Guess they decided to wake up especially to wish you well!
lago, I didn't mind hearing people telling me I looked good when I was doing chemo (even though I think they were lying through their teeth). It was a nice thing to hear when my self-esteem was at an all time low. But now, a year and a half later, my hair is back to my shoulders, I've gained back all the weight I lost in chemo (and then some
) and I'm generally feeling OK about how I look. So when they say, "Oh, you look GREAT" with that note of surprise in their voice - well, it makes me wonder, what were they expecting? Was I supposed to shrivel up and die?And about the people telling me about all the folks they knew who died of cancer - well unfortunately this one has happened to me a lot. I have one neighbor in particular who often tells me about her two elderly neighbors who died of lung cancer and her uncle who died of bladder cancer. Why? I never even knew these people.
I was at this neighbor's house recently with my husband and another couple and somehow the conversation turned to cancer. One of them was saying that if he ever got cancer, he would tell them just to inject poison into his veins and kill him then and there because there's no way he'd ever go through chemo. While I was digesting that, my neighbor mentioned how an acquaintance of ours had just discovered a recurrence of his pancreatic cancer and it didn't look good. This was the first I'd heard of it and it shook me to the core. This acquaintance had held a big party over the summer to celebrate 2 years out NED. I remember being invited to the party and thinking, man, I would never throw something like that - I'm way too superstitious and it seemed like tempting fate. And damn if I wasn't right
At that point I just blurted out "Good God, can we please talk about something else"? They all shut up and looked at me and I could see the realization slowly dawning over their faces. They all know what I've been through. Did they simply forget? Or did they somehow think I wouldn't be bothered? Maybe to them, the news of our friend's recurrence was just that, sad news. To me it was like a punch in the gut, a voice in my head telling me no one ever beats this. This was about a week after Elizabeth Edward's passing and it all hit me like a ton of bricks.
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Oh Minxie, I am so sorry. That must have really hurt. Good for you for speaking up. I am sure they will be more aware of what they are saying the next time they see you.
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We need to start collecting stories about "healthy" people dying to counter these stories! Hmm.
For someone who walks to work we need a story about so-and-so's brother who was hit by a car and killed while walking to work.
For someone who cooks a lot we need a story about a family that died when the family cook used poison mushrooms.
For someone who gardens we need a story about someone dying of tetanus after working in their plot.
I could go on but I think I'd better stop before I say something truly offensive. . .
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We had a friend who dropped dead running a marathon! I always use that one when people tell me I should exercise. He was the nicest man! Truly. He deserved his reward in Heaven.
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YES! That's exactly the kind of thing we need to all stash in our bag of tricks!
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When some old bitch tells me something like that I say "Oh well, only the good die young." I take a long look at her and then walk away. I've done it twice. Very effective! No swearing, tone of voice issue, racial slur, nothing they can really complain about! ehhehehehehehee
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I LIKE that one, Barbe!
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Hadley so happy for you!!
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NativeMainer, you mean like this?: "Funeral services will be held Friday in Auburn for Marie Wooten, the Auburn University College of Sciences and Mathematics dean struck by a car Friday as she was jogging..."
http://blog.al.com/live/2010/11/marie_wooten_funeral_services.html
I knew Marie well. If you google her name, you'll see lots of other articles about the incident. She and another woman who was a good friend of hers were out jogging one morning before work when they were both hit by the same car. The other woman, who taught math at a local high school, was seriously injured and is still undergoing treatment. http://blog.al.com/live/2010/11/loachapoka_bell_auburn_wooten.html
otter
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You know, guys, jokes aside, I personally knew a guy who was really a health freak. He was active duty, exercised (at the gym) two hours a day, was counting every calory and fiber and carb he was eating (all organic), didn't smoke, didn't drink - he died of a heart attack at the age of 38. When that happened I couldn't help but think of my paternal grandmother's brother - he smoked since he was 12 (country-side, growing tobacco in their yard, making cigarettes out of lead-printed newspaper), drank a lot, only exercise working his land, loved eating lard deep-fried things - he died at the age of 107.
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Otter--that is the kind of thing I was thinking of, but now that I see an actual case, I'm not sure I could actually use it. It'd would be too much like taking advantage of a tragedy.
It's not fair that some people can do everything "right" and still die young or get cancer while others do all the "wrong" things and live long lives.
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Yes, NM, that's for sure. It's not fair.
Hugs...
otter
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{{{{{hadley}}}}}}}}}}0
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otter - Auburn? Cool, my husband grew up in Auburn. We live in Columbus now.
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