The dumbest things people have said to you/about you
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When someone asks me "so you're ok now? they got all the cancer?" my answer is "that's what 'they' say..." My onc told me at the end of tx in Aug I was cancer free, no tests, scans ect... in Oct I was dx'd with thyroid cancer, so who the heck really knows...
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All my mom wants to hear is "happy things". I love her dearly but I cannot unload on her. It gets annoying and depressing. When I get off the phone I feel like banging my head against the wall. I am trying to get in touch with my doctor to have my antidepressants changed or increased. His line is busy, busy, busy.
When people or even friends askme how I am doing, I relay with,"peachy keen and dandy." Most realize that I am being sarcastic. If they are interseted thay will ask why. If not I don't bother going any further. But my own mother...
* Finally got through to the doctor's office and left a message with his sectary. Now I have to wait for the call back.
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Its so hurtful when people who 'should' understand don't.
Soooo many people do not realize how dangerous 'How are you?' is.
One co-worker lost his divorced daughter (who had custody of her 2 teens) in a car accident half way across the country. Another co-worker was asking how he was (he just returned to work). I told him I didn't know, but I wasn't going to try to stick my finger in his sore. I was heartened to hear him say that he was going to follow my lead.
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You're right, Hadley. Its probably better if I said "I am sorry to hear about what you are going through, please let me know if there is anything I can do." Thanks for pointing that out.
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Veggy - I know exactly what you mean about your mother - in my case it's my dad. IF he asks me how I am and I answer him, he doesn't even listen. If I say it's been a bad day, he says " that's good"! What's the point in calling when he wants to talk sports or weather? Have an appointment with my surgeon tomorrow to go over my last mammogram (calcifications - felt to be benign). Got more on my mind that hearing about his dentist appointment. But then things have always been about how it affects him. Thanks fior letting me get that out I feel much better now (think I'll take a Xanax now)!
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Hadley, you don't have a disability. So don't do that one. You don't have an ongoing medical condition. We know you'll need appointments and stuff, but that will happen when it may. You have the right to go to an appointment. I would put nothing! What did that manager say?
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HI all,
Sandeeonherown, I am SO with you, it is way harder than I expected and I feel like a wuss a lot of the time.
So many of you seem to be exactly where I am. I love the black humour, Okay what does it mean if I found a dead ladybug. Okay I don't really want to know. Is it okay to think pheasants are good luck, as one has been flying into my yard.
When I told my mother I was going away for a couple of weeks to recuperate, she asked what was wrong, she said there was nothing wrong with her, or my kids. Duh....... Okay she is 90
I don't think people really want to know so I just say good, but a little tired. Once when I said good to the nurse as an opening to a conversation she got all confused, so you are right a useless question.
I also find it hard to try and avoid stress, I seem like a magnet.
Good luck and hugs all, b
PS my DH once told me to take Tums for severe abdominal pain then went off to work, and I had to get my elderly parents to babysit and take me to the ER for what turned out to be appendicitis. He has never really lived that one down, though he has gained a lot of points with how supportive he has been with the cancer and radiation.
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"…when someone gives you that "You got cancer because...." routine. Then look at them and say 'Well then, you're going to get colon cancer because you're full of shit!' "
As usual Barbe, you crack me up.I think I spit on my screen a little when I read that one.
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I aim to please...you aim too, please! (away from the screen!)
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Hadley, I couldn't get the gene test for tamoxifen metabolilzing, but since I wasn't having ANY side effects that I knew of (turns out it was seriously making pre-existing depression seriously worse) I talked to my Med Onc and changed to Lupron shots every 4 months to shut down my ovaries and switched to Arimidex. Tamoxifen is what is known as a pro-drug. The form we swallow has no biological effect, that is accompished by the active metabolite endoxifen. Ovarian suppression + AI is a reasonable and probably more effective alternative to tamoxifen for poor metabolizers.
The dumbest thing my Rad Onc told me was that truncal lymphedema was untreatable, that I would have increasing pain all my life, and there was no medication or therapy that would make any difference, so get used to living in pain, see you in a year. Today I found out that the hearing about my complaint about him to the state medical board is tomorrow. I was supposed to be told a month ago. Now I can't go, so he gets to answer questions any way he wants and I get no representation, becuase i can't get off work on such short notice. Life sucks right now.
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Barbe - I also was cracking up with your "...when someone gives you that "You got cancer because....routine. Then look at them and say 'Well then, you're going to get colon cancer because you're full of shit!' "
Hadley - Sorry you're having to deal with all that paperwork at your new job. Definitely speak with the HR person before filling anything out to make sure you're covered but don't have to reveal any unnecessary information.
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BAHAHAHAHAHA! That made me laugh out loud!
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Oh my goodness Barbe, you crack me up! I want to hang out with you!
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counselling is a good option...i did when DH left and about 4 months after diagnosis..pre-radiatino which I was afraid of...figured that I would prefer to pay someone tolisten to me rant or cry...my friends had fears of their own around my diagnosis...I wanted someone objective to listen to me wail and rant and to be my mirror...nothing more than that. I did not want advice. I wanted a mirror.
Barbe...love the cancer response!! Here here!!
Mumorange....I know....it is sooo hard but equally hard to not be ok either when you think about it.
Bennybear....you are right...people get into the pattern of asking how you are but don't listen...I have students who do the same thing..come in to my office to change classes or something but start with a polite "Hi Sandee..how are you?" and regardless of how I respond, they say 'good thanks"....so now I stop them and get them to listen to my response...
I have decided that for the most part anyhow, when people ask me how I am doing, I am honet...I will say "ok but really tired lately" or "ok but the mdeication I am on is giving me wild hotflashes so look out"...yeah..I try to keep it light but when people who care about me ask, I am honest....I also make sure I get my 4 hugs a day....they help a lot...
We need to hang in there folks...we really do. This is crap....but it will pass...other things will make us angry and scare us but right now, we have good suport here on this train so , keep it coming my dears!
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When most people ask me how I'm doing, I usually say "Fine. Thanks for asking." I don't want to burden people with my medical issues. I know how it feels when I visit family members who never talk about anything but their bowel movements or medical issues. lol
I save the truth for people I know really want it. But even then I give it in small doses and try to limit the summary to no more than two minutes.
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When people ask me how I'm doing, I say, "Much better, but still not 100%." They're happy to hear I'm doing better (which I am), but I want people to realize that even though I look all better, I'm not. I still have physical, as well as emotional, pain.
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I keep get people telling me I'm looking good, as if they are eventually expecting to run into me when I won't be looking good.
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Sandeeonherown: You're taking the same route I do when responding to questions. I'll say, "I'm basically okay", then give them a 2-minute spiel on what I'm feeling at that moment, including emotional distress. This does seem to work.
LG300: That works, too. I'll keep that one in mind.
SeaFoobs: hehehe! Very true.
Later, Ladies.
Julie
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Just had a family member forward on an article sent to them about how taking 4 tablespoons twice a day of pureed asparagus cures cancer or prevents it from coming back. If I'd only known all this time how this easy cheap cure was available.
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O2bhealthy - Your friend seriously is horrible - I'm sorry but can you imagine sending that to someone going through tx? I seriously (I am very serious today) think Cancer is luck of the draw and as my late husband who died of a vicious leukemia at 54 always said "you play the hand you are dealt". He never complained - even when he was dying - and it's funny before that he couldn't stand it when things went wrong - if he got short changed at the drive-up at Wendy's he was furious - but his DX never threw him. He went through a bone marrow transplant - for me he said but never really thought he would make it after being diagnosed at stage IV and being given 2 weeks to live - he made it 6 months. If ever life was unfair it was then - and 18 months later I got mine - he and I never talked about cancer and I don't think we brought it on - do you?
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Great topic! I work as an ICU nurse (wearing my wig to work) and I was standing over my patient's bed drawing some blood when another nurse from a different department walked in to check on the patient. She was chatting with the patient and looked up at me and said. "oh your hair is gorgeous! But it looks a little fake." She then started studying it as if to figure out if it fake or not. It was so embarassing!
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Krista--how embarrassing, especially in front of a patient.
Last week I was at a memorial service and saw lots of my fiance's family I hadn't seen since Christmas. Since then I have switched from a long wig to a shorter style--trying to get used to the shorter doo I will have once my wig comes off. (I have always had long, long hair). When I got home I had a message on my comp. that said how much this lady loved my long wig, and that so and so said I didn't like the long wig and maybe it was just her who liked the long wig but that she thought I should start wearing that one again.
I can't wait to hear what she has to say when I start going wigless with extremely short hair.
I tried not to take this the wrong way, but it is hard when you are already self-concious about your looks. Your post-chemo dark circles under your eyes, chemo-weight, and wig are all things at least I hope people don't notice or at least bring up. (By the way many at the service also commented on how I gained weight--I realize I was a tiny person before so it may not be a criticism, but why do people feel like just because I have cancer they can say things to me they would never say to anyone else?)
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Krista, your story sounds like mine.
I was at an oncology conference that was aimed at patients as well as health care professionals. I was introduced to a local BC fundraiser, who as it turns out was someone who was an aquaintance of my sister in high school (~30 years ago). Anyway, she asked why I was at the conference and I told her I was recently diagnosed. She said all the "i'm sorrys", the "you are looking greats" you know, the standard reaction. THEN, she reached out and tugged my hair!!!!! I was shocked, dumbfounded, offended and just plain stupified. She added something like "oh, it is your real hair."
This was just wrong on so many levels. Krista, I'm certainly glad your colleague wasn't stupid enough to tug on it.
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As a 3 time survivor, I've heard most all of it at one time or another.
I've come to agree with the statement "You can't fix stupid".
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I can't imagine what would possess anyone to tug on someone else's hair.
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The 2 comments I hated the most were "You put on weight" and "You should keep your hair short. It makes you look younger."
gee, thanks. 0 -
OH Lordy....you can't fix stupid!!! Love it...AWESOME!!!! Thanks.
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Krista613 - Knowing me...and you don't really, I'm funny and very spontaneous, I would have ripped it off and said..."TAA-DAA!", and now for my NEXT trick!!!! God help you woman, stay positive....and if you need some one liners, let me know! LOL...Barbe and Lago are just as quick! (((hugs)))
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you can't fix stupid... ditto
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Smile On - one thing for sure, the same reason DRUNK people say things they wouldn't say to anyone else....I had a very bad experience working at a fundraiser, finished with chemo, etc. was wearing a t-shirt, with a denim button up over it and apron, you couldn't see anything, no deep plunging necklines and one dumb muther decided to come up into my face and tell me my "tits weren't real", he knew "they were fake", skuz me buddy, I almost laid this bad boy down with one hi-karate knee move to the good ole boys....in fact, I gave him a verbal licken up and down and he backed off...threee sheets to the wind and he came back for more verbal stabbing....god, do some men NOT LEARN, DON"T MESS WITH THE LADY and I was HOT, then I found out that a guy who knew me (and was there watching) and my dx and recon TOLD this guy they were FAKE ONES...OM bloody god....ah ha, to this day he doesn't know I know and never will but gee, paybacks are hell aren't THEY??!!! Food for thought....(((hugs sister))) 0
