The dumbest things people have said to you/about you
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I would just let her know you love her and want to be supportive and maybe ask her what subjects are touchy. Speaking only for myself, I hate being told to "just think positively!", as it seems to imply my negative thinking is what caused my cancer, and also, if it were that easy, why do we need surgery, chemo, etc.?
I will also say that I'm touchier some days than others, and try to rein in my irritation when I know I'm having a bad day. I've had to apologize to others when I've snapped at them for things that are more me having a bad day than them being insensitive. So maybe understand that sometimes it's not what you've said and not take it to heart.
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Let her talk about dying...don't say "Oh, you'll be fine..." You don't know that!
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Motherofpatient
For me 2 people can say almost exactly the same thing and I react differently. If you already have a good relationship with your daughter and what you say really comes from love (which from your post definitely sounds like it fits you) she probablly won't feel hurt by much if anything you say. The people that tend to bother me the most are the ones who comment in passing or see me maybe 1-4 times/year. With that said I do feel that I am a bit more sensitive and snippy to loved ones who are close with me as well, but I would never want them to tiptoe around me.
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Motherofpatient....I would let her lead the way...let her know you are there to listen whenever she needs to or no...depending on what she wants. My sis brought me teas and soaps and came for a visit armed with information..her way of dealing with her terror...but her fear of losing me made it feel like I was doing something wrong by not throwing out all the plastic tupperware immediately or not drinking all the tea she brought all in one sitting...likely my perception at the time and her reaction too...so I guess the best way to say this is "remember that this is about her"...and let her be the beacon for how you approach it. Everyone is different in what they do and do not need.
Maybe direct her to this site too?!
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When I was just diagnosed, a male friend of mine said, "Well, you know what this means, don't you? You'll have to start dragon boat racing."
A female friend noticed my weight loss (from the stress of the diagnosis and surgery; I haven't started other treatments yet) and said, "I could use a diet like that."
Someone else, who has a relatively minor health problem that is being investigated, said, "Well, at least you know what you have."
I could go on!!
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I got a good one, a "friend" on facebook who I haven't seen in 10 years noticed I was wearing a headwrap in my pictures so he asked if I had cancer, I replied, yes, I have breast cancer, his reply, "so they cut off your tits" and proceeded to chat about how nice my breasts were and what a big loss it is, not how are you feeling or anything like that. Can you imagine, I hardly know you and your going to come out with a comment like that?
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One of my greatest fears on diagnosis that I would have to paddle a dragon boat. Thank goodness it's optional.
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lassie11 -- you're hilarious!
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My mom, "What am I going to do with out you."
My superior, "You're a liar, disgusting, you'l lose your job, wreck your relationship with your kids and you may be headed for a divorce."
Same (male) superior, "I totally, totally understand everything you are going through."
My personal favorite every single time ... "I had a lump once ... but it wasn't cancer like yours."
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You can NOT paddle a dragon boat!! That's for people who don't have to worry about LE.....
People are always surprised that I don't "do" walks and things. Why? I already have the t-shirt!!
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YEAH!! Hadley!
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I had to jusmp in and throw in my 2 cents. I think I had a surgeon who I am sure was at the hight of his own stupidity. I had my second mastectomy Dec 7th. With my first one I did get a slight infection due to the fact the Jackson-prat drain became blocked and had to be pulled. With the second mastectomy I was back admitted to the hospital one week to the day of surgery with a very serious infection. It was as if everyone working at the hospital had lost their minds. I was admitted and put on IV anti-biotics, the nurse that went to change the dressing around the drain site decided it was to much work to pull the tape off and got the idea that cutting the tape off with siccors was a great idea. She cut the tube, then when I noticed the drain was not working I found the long cut she made in the drain tube. Needless to say it had to be pulled which left me with a horrible infection. The surgeon came in to see me the next day and he said " well isn't this interesting" I replied with "whats interesting" He then says " well I do the left side you got an infection and now I did the right side and it is infected...DO YOU HAVE AIDS?" I calmly asked if he had brains and if he did he would be wise to get out of my room cuz if I got out of my bed first he would leave 2 body part short. The left side has almost healed I think it is as healed as much as it is going t. But on the right side the incssion is not even visable there is such a large hard mass towards the center of my chest. It hurts like hell, has not shrunk at all in 2 months. I have never heard of this happening before, the surgeon has passed the b uck off on ER and my family Dr. Sometimes its not just family and friends that say stupid thing sometimes it is the supposed professional Doctor.
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Fredulator, The problem with all of this(and my original surgeon's arrogance) is that it is generally said without witnesses and so complaining at the source where he could be told to smarten the hell up doesn't happen. I am so sorry you experienced that..as if you did not hav eenough to think about . You may want to toss them into Jo1955's bonfire of rhe goddesses?)
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the dragon boat comments - too funny! we are the only team in my area and we have flyers in every radiology, medical oncology and breast surgeon's office recruiting new members. I never considered the pressure on the newly diagnosed in Canada, where the benefits of dragon boating for breast cancer survivors were first discovered and where there are so many teams - both BC and community. Barbe 1958- LE - NO EXCUSE!! you can still paddle a dragon boat!! or hey - if you don't want to paddle, you could sit backwards, up front on a little chair and beat the time on a big drum and shout orders!!!!
Julie E
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I knew the LE wasn't an issue Julie. I think you want a tiny person sitting at the front. That I most definitely am not although shouting orders would be fun. The real issue is that I get seasick getting near to the sea. Most people would not get seasick on a dragon boat and I would be the exception. Also walking is my favourite exercise. I do cheer for the women that do dragon boating!
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There is a dragonboat team in Halifax that I am actually considering joining..heck of a way to get your exercize...gets you up VERY early in the am and what a powerful feeling to move through water....
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Of all people, it was my first onc. that shocked the heck out of me....
I found out my onc. had complications with her pregnancy, carrying twins, and then her house caught on fire right before Christmas. I tried to give her my best wishes along with sincere concern, hoping things would get better for her. She responded, saying, "Whenever I think things are pretty bad in my life, I tell myself (do you feel it coming, ladies???) 'AT LEAST I DON'T HAVE CANCER." Sheesh!
I thought she'd try to retract that statement after the look on my face, but then she rephrased it 2 more times as she told of her trials getting her house rebuilt, saying something like, "It could be worse--I could have cancer." Truly amazing.
I liked this onc., but I'm SO glad she's on maternity leave and I have a new onc...who is NOT a brick shy in the social skills department.
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thanks, gals, for all the love and support. waiting was hell, but, the results were great!! Ellie, i know, my DH has his isuesses, and i do too. the thing that saves us everytime is that we started out great friends, and still ARE!! he has a dark humor like mine, and can always get ME laughing. it can be work, lately, but he puts the effort in.. and then, his mouth,at times lol 3jays0
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THe biggest stupid things people have said so far are:
1. "You are strong and you can get through this fine" - I AM NOT STRONG! I AM HUMAN and CANCER SUCKS! I may look composed at this very moment, but I take Xanax and cry alot when you are not around and am scared to death! STFU!
2. When I was at the cancer center for my first time and scared my husband and I got on the elevator and a man was in there. He looked at me and said "are you visiting a patient today?" There was the longest pause ever and then I said with a scowl on my face "no, I wish!". Boy that was one looooong elevator ride after that. Yes, I am younger and yes I don't look sick and yes I have cancer if that's what you really wanted to know. Please!
3. A friend complaining about how work was so stressful and how bad the next six months were going to be for her.....long pause and then I said "I will trade places with you".....that was awkward considering I just had a BLM 2 weeks ago and I start chemo next month. I could not help myself. Stop complaining about stupid stuff when there are much more real things to complain about...gheez!
I am glad I could vent that somewhere....wheeew! That felt good!
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At my med onc appointment last Friday the nurse, as usual, asked about numbness, and I told her I have a lot more numbness and tingling in my hands now than a few months ago, to the point it wakes me up at night and sometimes makes it hard to type and write. My Med Onc actually said to me that Arimidex does not cuase that kind of thing, it can cause trigger finger, but not carpal tunnel type symptoms! WTF??? That's not what my drug info sheet says.
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NM
Did you show him the sheet and ask him WTF?
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I didn't have it with me, got it 3 years ago. Good idea to dig it out and fax it down to her.
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Both my sister and I are going thru breast cancer. I was diagnosed last year and now going thru reconstruction after having a BMX. My sister was diagnosed a few months ago and chose to have a lumpectomy. She just got her Oncotype score back the other day and her score was 2 points above mine and fortunately she doesn't need chemo. Also, her tumor was 2mm bigger than mine. The reason why I mention this is when she told me that she didn't have to chemo, she then said: "oh, by the way, I had the higher score and the bigger tumor". I was totally taken back by her comment...like she's competing with me on BC! I asked her to please never say that again to me. Like, who the hell cares whose score is higher or tumor is bigger. Cancer is cancer.
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oh diane...i am sorry she said that...it is amazing what comes out of people's mouths...she is probably just too spinny right now-I know you have been worried about her...you just be you...loving her and being glad that is not how you think. I love my sister and she is so different from me...the way she perceives so many things in life, like from a different planet, never mind the same family....BC has taught me that is just a fact that I should give up trying to change or getting angry over...when her comments are crazy, well, god bless her, I just try to chalk it up to she must have been delivered by aliens (like she sometimes claims-another story, another day)... but, I love her still...(to be fair, I understand I am just as crazy to her) At least we have this place to come and vent and get it out...that is one competition none of would ever willingly enter and for heaven's sake...not one we would wish to win in terms of direness of diagnosis...
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I have to add my DH to this list. This morning he called to tell me that a co-worker's wife found a lump last week and she was going to have a mammogram today. He actually had the nerve to say, "Susan, I hate to think about another man having to go through this with his wife." WTH?!?!?! I, trying to remain calm, said, "Are you being serious? Surely, I did not hear your correctly." He said, "I know this has been tough for you, but it's been really hard on me too."
The good news is that the co-worker's wife's mammogram was fine, not that I believe in mammograms. The bad news is that my DH is a DA. LOL!!!
Susan
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OK I have to admit I have gotten some good laughs out of this thread, I will have to go and read some of the older posts one day when I have time.
Well I'm still quite new into this and I am sure I will get more but to date the dumbest thing I have heard is from my mom.....we are all in this war together hun its just your on the front lines.....well duh!!!
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Went to the onc today and instead say the nurse, he ordered all sorts of test over the next couple of weeks and as he was leaving the room he said we'll get you all tuned up and you will be good to go. You won't have to come back like forever. I just looked at him like are you stupid or what? My onc has already told me that it is a waiting game to see how long my tumors will continue to stay in remission, but eventually the Femara will quit working and they will come back. His biggest concern is my liver because when I first saw him he told me I had no liver left, it was all tumor. Am I supposed to wait until I turn yellow to let them know it's quit working? Hopefully not for a long time but I am being realistic here. Sorry for rambling. Darla
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OMG ... from what I've read on here it is amazing my sisters that you can resist slapping some of these folks! And coming from medical folks who should know better. All of these events remind me of Alice in Wonderland!
I am so sorry that any of you had to go through this - bc is bad enough - a little compassion goes a long way.
Darla ... you ramble away girl! Would you mind if I stopped lby your onc's office and kick his butt?
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So I am at work today and this guy who works in our building starts flipping through the news paper and starts looking in the obits...sees a woman who he knew and says wow she was so young she died of breast cancer.........A$$
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Hey Kymn, wonder what our bond would be if we went over there and kicked his A$$? If it was a fairly low bond, it might make it worth it!
Susan
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