The dumbest things people have said to you/about you
Comments
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"Your skin looks great and you look so healthy" was what I was told yesterday (by a sick colleague who has been sick 3x this past winter)...I replied with "I am healthy!"..then couldn't help adding " funny how the one person on staff who went through cancer this year is the only person who has not gotten the flu or a cold this winter!".....what the hell is my skin supposed to look like? Why do I think it is an odd thing for people to comment on? Did I not used to have great skin? I am not doing anything different.....only wear lipstick and sometimes eyeliner...nothing different about my skin in 20 years! I know it was meant as a compliment (and I am sick but look at you and all you have gone through this year etc)...but it IRKED me...ARGH!
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Has anyone else noticed that going to a thread on My favorites doesn't take you to the first unread posting anymore? Or is it just me?
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Ever since the site was "down for maintenance" yesterday it has been that way. Annoying as I can't always remember what I've read and haven't read
I hope they are working on fixing it.0 -
I was wondering what was going on!!! I hope they are working to fix it too. confusing!
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other changes - I have had to sign in each time since this afternoon, where before I was "remembered"
Julie E
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me too
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As someone who doesn't have cancer but has friends who have BC and other types of cancer, this thread makes me afraid to even talk to them for fear of saying the wrong thing. What SHOULD someone say?
(I am currently waiting the results of my breast biopsy BIRADS 4 and that is why I am reading this.)
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the only people i would ever tell i had breast cancer to are the ones i would discuss sex with.
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how sad, for everyone.
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Jelson said, "I have had to sign in each time since this afternoon, where before I was 'remembered'."
It's just the opposite for me! It would remember my user ID, but I would have to input my password and log in. And now, I'm logged in whenever I come here. Weird?
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vicmjones, I think that this video will tell you a lot.
It's a video recorded by a lady who had Ovarian cancer, unfortunately she passed away last November - I cried when I read that.
But she says it so good, that you will understand very well.
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Counter isn't working for me either. Major pain.
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I haven't heard anything that I would call stupid but maybe plain ignorance. I think people just don't know what to say so they say anything that comes to their minds without thinking about others feelings.
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vicmjones- it was not what was said....it was the tone of shock it was said it in....and we come here to vent because we kno people mean well but sometimes it just hits the wrong nerve that we did not even know existed. I mean seriously...it is incredibly kind for a woman in my age range (48) to say that I have great skin and am healthy in contrast to how she has felt this winter and the fact that she looked pale..that is likely all she meant....but she is the third person who has commented on my skin lately...and it struck me as odd and I was having a bad day so I came here to vent.......in actualy, fact, she said nothing wrong...so don't worry....this is a place for us to let out the fear and pain and it comes out sideways sometimes....and htat is what this thread is meant for:)
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i loved the women that offerred to help me in a concrete way.. aneighbor i didnt even know well brought us dinners on chemo day..things like that are remembered... 3jays
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Hubby surprised me when I woke up from a nap this afternoon...he had gone and got my mom and brought her over! While we were outside, he then went on to cook us a wonderful corned beef dinner and potatoes (first time he ever made it). I freaked when I saw her since I have been really needing and missed her-hadn't wanted her to see me while I was doing really rough-so, when I saw her...I ran right over and threw my arms around her and started crying...some things never change! It is not such a bad thing to be a 54 year old baby whose mom will still cuddle her and tell her she is beautiful. She is spending the night so we can hang out in the morning. I am so damn lucky she is my mom.... here is a shot of her this evening after she plucked an azalea and stuck it in her hair:) Hey Barbe--you never did tell me what your dad's last name is? I want to ask mom if she remembers.
Thanks all..gonna go rest and enjoy her while she is here.
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Annettek - Your Mom looks like she would be very fun to know and be around.
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It's OK to vent, and even though these posts made me wonder how many insensitive remarks I have made to people facing cancer, I really don't mind reading them. I was just wondering what made you feel better. I know I have said "you look so good" (and now regret it and won't say it again) to more than one person who had cancer. I was just surprised that they didn't look sick, but I never thought that that meant that they weren't sick or that they felt well. But I have also said that I was sorry that they had cancer and then would tell a story of a good friend who is alive today at age 70 (and very healthy) after fighting stage IV pancreatic cancer over 12 years ago. I think what I am hearing is this story IS something that you DO want to hear about? So I have stuck my foot in my mouth a few times and have hopefully also done some good too. I just truly would like to know what I should say? I usually ask a lot of questions about the treatments and how they feel. I do this because I am concerned and want more information, but I also would think that talking about what is happening to them would be helpful. Is it annoying to be asked a lot of questions? Or do you really just want people to say nothing and just say I'm sorry this happened to you like the woman said in the Youtube Video? Oh and of course I bring meals or offer to help in anyway that I can that's an easy one to figure out...
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vicmjones,
I don't know if there is really any one right answer or right thing to say to someone. A lot depends on the person and how they take things, plus your relationship with the person. Offhanded comments from a coworker you don't know well can seem a lot different than your best friend saying the same thing. I am lucky to have not had hardly any "dumb" things said to me- I read this thread for laughs and comisseration. It seems like a great deal of the things that set people off are when comments go to extremes- either minimizing what you are going through (bc is the "good" cancer, no one dies of that anymore, its like having a headache- or the other extreme- being told about so and so you knew who died of bc, saying well you'll be dead then anyway, etc. I had a friend's father introduce me to someone at a BBQ with- she almost died last year... uhhh NO I DID NOT!!
The very fact you are asking this shows you are probably not one of those people who say the wrong thing.If the person you are asking about their treatments doesn't seem to want to talk about it tho, then don't push.Everyone is different and has differnt comfort levels with different issues.
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annette, im glad shes there!bless your husband for getting her!!give them BOTH a big kiss MMMWAHHH from me...3jays
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I sure will 3 jays- she just fell asleep...we were watching an american idol tape and cracking up..these are the moments I will hold onto in my mind...giggleing with my mom in my bed ( hubby is upstairs watching band of brothers:) good night all- hope all have a great evening
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zoeger, amazing! I had people show too much concern also. They literally don't realize what they are doing. You can see it in their eyes when the bell finally rings, lolol. Duhhhh...
I vote we all save this link and happily pop it in to a reply to them!
Yes, also have had to listen to numerous stories about others dying. I think they mean to equate to understanding how upsetting this all is. Not realizing we do NOT need to hear it.
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I don't give a shit if your friend lived 12 years with pancreatic cancer! What's it got to do with MY situation? Rough? Yep! Of course some people live a long time after cancer. What if I expected 15 years? Then your 12 years is pretty short!! Don't tell me timelines, it's implying I have one. For all we know, your timeline is shorter than mine!
To the poster on the other page with 2 posts who said she'd only tell people about her breast cancer if she would discuss her sex life with them....well then, I guess you don't have bc!! Also, we didn't hear about your sex life, so why are you making that point??
Annette, I always tell my daughter she is beautiful when I see her!! I hope it means a lot to her. My Dads family name was Visosky. He's dead, so I can't ask him about your family names.
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My comments are not bad, just maybe a bit tactless. lol I do get a lot of people listing people who have died from breast cancer, but then they'll say at the end "you'll be fine".
My supervisor told me I will feel normal until chemo, then I'll get really sick and won't be able to get out of bed - listing as examples his in laws, friends, etc...
Another co-worker told me I look better after my BMX (???? lol) and asked if I can finish his project before "you know" not sure what he meant
Now this other co-worker beats them all. When she learned of my dx she came to tell me she had a feeling I was going to have cancer. Then she told me that she always have feelings if someone wasn't going to make it. But she told me she didn't get that from me
Then she proceed to tell me that another co-worker's father just passed from Lukemia. Upon seeing my face, she said, awww, I didn't want to tell you like this, since you both have cancers and all Two days before my BMX she told me she remembers watching a documentary years ago that suggested that male BS are not as careful to preserve nerves as their female counterparts and that I should postpone my surgery to get another opinion And last but not least, last week I told her I had to scamble for a sitter for my 2 year old because my sitter was hospitalized for gallstones and my backup sitter had colon cancer last year and is still recovering then broke her hips. My co-worker went on to say "THAT'S how you got your breast cancer" I'm like what??? The she proceed to say that at the very least she brought me bad luck or trigger the cancer lol lol lol I told her if that's the case then watch out because the doctor believes my cancer have been growing in me for 4-5 years...lol....she talks to me from at least 4 feet now lol 0 -
dizzy.....it never ceases to amaze me.....:)Now stand back please:!!:!:!:!
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oh dizzy thats ignorance at its best!!
I think it does depend on so many things when a person says something.. I found a quote though that I liked it says.. " Better the friend that holds your hand and says the wrong thing then a friend that walks away"...
I get the "you look great" thing alot with a surprised tone in their voice, and I do think wow what did I look like before lol!... but I also had a friend for 26 years who I havent spoken to in 7 months and she started backing away when I was diagnosed... I think for me the thing that bothers me the most is when people try to minimize the breast cancer please dont start the sentence with Well at least.... at least nothing this is serious... thats my pet peeve..
Have a great day ladies!!!
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When I was diagnosed and told my family members, my sister-in-law said "Oh my God, thats exactly what my mom had, but she died". I was so emotionally fragile at the time that I did think I was going to die, too. Not right away, but before my time. I also hear about someone who has had cancer, or died from cancer, etc...I guess it comes with the territory. People are trying to connect with something they have in common with me - unfortunately, it is a connection to cancer.
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He didn't live another 12 years and then die he is STILL alive! And VERY healthy at age 70. He was given a less 5% chance of living. I personally think it is an incredible story and it is 100% true.
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vicmjones--don't worry too much about things you may have said to others based on what you read here. We all realize that people don't mean to hurt or seem insensitive, but sometimes they do come across that way, and mostly we let the comment go by. It's just that after a while it helps to be able to spit and sputter and make up snide come backs with other people who understand. Think of it as a pressure relief valve. None of us intend to hurt or make uncomfortable anyone around us, and all of us can probably think of times when we said something just as thoughtless in the past. We didn't mean to be thoughtless, and that's how we know others don't intend to be hurtful.
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I'd rather deal with a well-meaning but 'clunky' comment any day, than have someone so afraid of cancer or what to say that they disappear from my life. I've had both, and the friend who disappeared definitely hurt worse than any comment I've described here.
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Hubby surprised me when I woke up from a nap this afternoon...he had gone and got my mom and brought her over! While we were outside, he then went on to cook us a wonderful corned beef dinner and potatoes (first time he ever made it). I freaked when I saw her since I have been really needing and missed her-hadn't wanted her to see me while I was doing really rough-so, when I saw her...I ran right over and threw my arms around her and started crying...some things never change! It is not such a bad thing to be a 54 year old baby whose mom will still cuddle her and tell her she is beautiful. She is spending the night so we can hang out in the morning. I am so damn lucky she is my mom.... here is a shot of her this evening after she plucked an azalea and stuck it in her hair:) Hey Barbe--you never did tell me what your dad's last name is? I want to ask mom if she remembers.