The dumbest things people have said to you/about you
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If I only discussed my BC Dx with people I discuss my sex life with, then pretty much only my husband and one or two very, very close girlfriends would have known about my BC.....Now post Tx, I really don't tell people that I'm a survivor unless its pertinent to the situation, which it isn't most of the time......but when I'm raising money for the RFTC, I do say I'm a survivor, so I guess people find out then...
Regarding comments....it depends on who says it.....from a**h**** at work, its much different that your bff who makes a comment but realizes it was the wrong thing to say and is there holding your hand, holding you...we all say something stupid some time or another, but its what follows that matters the most.....
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About telling people about my breast cancer...I am a very private person and my inclination is to not share negative news, even with close friends. But what I have learned is that my friends feel hurt that I will not or cannot share with them. But what I have also learned is that they want to hear facts, not fear. So I put on my best "devil may care" attitude and tell them a rough outline of what is going on. I live in a small town and it amazes me who knows, truth or exaggeration, about my journey through breast cancer. I have been questioned by relative strangers in the grocery store or the post office about my health. I've been complemented on my hair coming back (I did not have chemo but my short hair is naturally curly) and have had the next customer in line at the pharmacy commiserate with me about the cost of Arimidex (when it was costing me $400.00 a month out of pocket). My yardman heard from my neighbor, the handyman's mother told him, the waitress where we often eat lunch has a sister whom I met at the oncologist's office, the florist who delivered flowers told the nail salon girl next door, the person whose house I pass on my daily walk learned it from the mailman... and on and on.
So far, after two years, I have not felt offended by this invasion of my private life. Each new "attack", and these exposures do feel like attacks, now amuses me. I am amazed at what good conversational material I must me. I am a medical curiosity, even a warning. I am a walking advertisement for getting regular mammograms. I just hope that I continue to be a symbol of breast cancer survival and recovery. I would hate to let everyone down.
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pj, you'd think by now you'd be "old news"! Holy cow, is everyone else so healthy????
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Really!
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vicimjones- I also think it depends on the day...for example...met with my ex/separated partner ( whatever he is at this point in time) and he commented on how good my colour was etc...and I did not feel offended....maybe the comment from both meant in contrast to oher people who are looking pale lately, I do not look pale...or maybe it is relief that I look healthy and they have been worried....your comments here also made me think and reflect on my reactions....I guess what I qant is to be asked " how are you?"...just that...there is a fella at work who asks me every few weeks and really listens to my answer....because if someone asks me, I tell them...I appreciate him asking...and sometimes he will say simply "you look tired. Go easy with yourself today' and then walks away....and I actually appreciate that too....oddly enough....but most people do not ask or comment at all....or they tell me that I am strong ...perhaps just enquire....
But to reiterate what others have said here...this is really jus a place we vent...it may not strike us as anything at all at the time somethign is said...but then by the end of the day, when fatigue hits and the emotional low of tamoxifen or sadness or a pityparty take over....yowser....then we think..hmm that stung!
I have told people I work with....two people I sing with...many of my friends but not my acquaintances...and it is not something I want swirling around the EFL world....it is like a small town where everyone knows everyone else;s business. And if people who don't know any better fear breastcancer is always a death sentence, I do not want them to know....I know that will change..know I am only partially down this road but right now, it is my business and that of people I choose to share it with....I too put on my tough kid act from many years ago and tell people matter of factly about it....most people can deal with it if I deal with it in that manner....but certainly my employer, and his daugher whom I work close with, do not want to hear about it...think it scares the crap out of them..."how can this strong, healthy woman have had cancer this year? What about me?"....ah life
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vicmjones. I understood exactly what you were asking in your original post. You were just trying to get a grip on the best way to handle things with your friends etc as you care and you don't want to hurt anybody feelings. I know you weren't criticising us for venting.
I am sorry you are currently going through tests, I hope everything turns out ok for you. I know its stressful.
I am sorry your friend had to battle pancreatic cancer for 12 years. That must be so tough. I am glad to hear your friend is doing well though. I give a shit, every human life is important.
I think sometimes people just get offended, me included, other days things run off. It also depends on the person. The same comment could get two different reactions. We are all different.
Just by way of example I will tell you something that upsets me that very few people seem to understand. My mother died of cancer four years ago at 64. She died of melanoma and was dead within 12 weeks of diagnosis. It was horrific. Her oncologist originally thought it was a recurrence of her breast cancer that she had a 49. I had breast cancer at 36, less than three years before she died. I don't go around telling newly diagnosed people about my mother's death but some people are insensitive in that way. However whenever I read on this board someone complaining about another person complaining about their relative dying it tears my heart right out. It is as if that persons life doesn't matter. I understand exactly why we don't want to hear stories about other people our friends or acquaitenances know that died of cancer. That's fair and its a reasonable thing to vent about, however it still hurts me to read it because I know that person is also suffering terrible grief.
So in short life is complicated. Do your best. Try hard but except you won't always get it right. There is no right with this type of thing.
Take care and all the best to you.
Sandy
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With regard to well-intended comments and how we intepret them...I went to a funeral yesterday for an 18 year old who committed suicide. In the sermon, the minister quoted Plato, "Be kind, for everyone you meet is fighting a hard battle." A simple, but very effective reminder, that we all have our own demons - some known, many unknown.
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Sig,
How sad. And how true, we just don't have any way of knowing what other people are dealing with.
So sorry for the loss of a precious young person.
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We ALL know people who have died. And some of them were very, very close to us. We certainly don't need a "menu" of someone else's list of dead people. That's my point. If someone here that I know on the boards has a death close to them, of course I care! My Mom and Dad have both died, but when someone is in the middle of telling me about thier death story, I don't butt in and tell them about mine!
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Sig2130. I am sorry for your loss. That is so terribly sad. Yes that is a very wise saying. I try to remember that one. I don't always succeed! Gotta keep trying though!
Take care,
Sandy
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A neighbor that I don't know very well came over and during the course of the conversation I realized that he had heard that I had died and he thought that I was my husband's NEW WIFE!!! I put an end to that neighborhood rumor, let me tell you!
I also had a person I worked with who thought that I was two different people. It was only now that I am beginning to look more like my old self again that she realized that I was the same person!
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holy crap that's a new one.... someone actually thought you had died??? and now you were the new wife????? Wow, I want some of their drugs.... geeeeeezzzzus
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yeah, its' really weird.. ive met a few of the ladies from BCO; and they know the "new me". then, ive had others tell me they didn't know it was me, till they heard my voice.. i think that we see/hear ourselves every day. its' much more "jarring" when someone sees me after ive had tx, from before..
Noone has thhought id died, not that im Murs new wife, so i guess im doin good!!
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Yeah it was pretty bizarre. My husband and I actually joke about it, usually with me doing the infamous Monty Python line in a scrappy British accent: "I'm not dead yet!"
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Yikes! My Dad used to grow a beard during the winter and he looked so different that we used to joke about Mom's 'summer husband' and 'winter husband', but no one actually got confused... at least, I hope not. Although the thought of people thinking my very prim mother was stepping out so openly that we kids were nonchalant about it makes me laugh.0
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thats too funny , carol. im still chuckling at the whole thing!!
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Chan - I'm laughing only because I saw a friend this weekend for the first time in about five years. She looked straight at me and didn't recognize me until I opened my mouth! Happy to say, however, that at least my husband doesn't have a new wife...as far as I know...hmmmm... 0
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The good news is that although it takes time, I find I'm starting to look more and more like my old self, especially as my hair gets longer. If only I could hurry the process along!
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I've been going thru my BC journey for little over a year now...BMX with reconstruction. My sister was diagnosed w/ BC three months and chose to have a lumpectomy w/ rads. You would think that being sisters, this would be a time for bonding for the two of us. Sadly to say...not. I can't believe some of the competitive, hurtful comments that she has made to over the last couple of months. The part that really burns is when I tell a friend about it...they just say "oh, she's struggling, try to understand what she's going thru". Excuse me? Try to understand?! I have bit my tongue so many times with her comments of: "my cancer is worse" (her tumor was 1mm larger and her oncoDX was one point higher!). "It's harder to be the second one in the family who has cancer." What! Since when did cancer become a competiton! That's just a couple examples of her comments. I've never experienced a more dysfuntional situation. Thanks for letting me vent.
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travelgal6979-
I was always jealous of girls/women who had sisters.......another fantasy dispelled.....back to reality.
Take care and bond with your friends and vent to us all you want.
Julie E
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Wow - did i need to read this thread today or what?? My husband of 25 yrs get the 'stupid award' ... i am sorry to say that and tho i probably know he meant no harm, i was still crushed. It actually happened yesterday morning when I was going to be out for the day and had actually, after 8 months of Taxol (today may be the last one, CT scanxiety going strong now for next week) and I had actually 'poofed and fluffed' my tufts - it's actually finally feeling almost normal. Was feeling good, looking for my earmuffs so not to muss the hair (still cold here in northern Canada) and he says: 'for goodness sakes, put a hat on' ... now this is not the 1st time he has said this - he said AGAIN yesterday that people feel sorry for me and i put them on the spot and he is the only one who is actually truthful with me. I had a bit of a downer beginning to my day because of it, but i didn't say much until today, before chemo ... i was actually crying so hard with sunglasses on that the chemo nurse and pharmacist did a double take (i'm usually the riot one in there keeping them all laughing) ... nurse came and just hugged me (what a sweetie) and i said something to break the tension to make us laugh (thru my tears).
But i guess the question is maybe i'm NOT taking other peeps feeling into consideration and wondering if maybe i SHOULD be more sensative and keep the noggin covered. This is round 2 for me (BC 6 years ago, mets diagnosed basically at 5-yr checkup and last scan said things were stabilizing and onc kept me on chemo two extra months cuz i was tolerating it well). I have lovely friends who compliment my hair in last few weeks when i've been brave enough to be seen, and as the weather get warmer, it's GONNA be showing! I told him i got 2 free wigs from Cancer Center but felt like an old lady and they never even stayed in place. I said no to the new $325 wig so as not to 'burden' our finances ... but i feel after all this time, i've earned my 'new do' and hope that i'm inspiring others now to be seen and talk about what's happening. I never felt so bad going into chemo in all these years, and was hoping there wasn't going to be someone new and freak them out (there wasn't). Anyways, that's my vent and I so appreciate this thread and all you girls and guys support!
Hugs to all, Patti
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You have to do what you feel is best for you. Now is not a time when we can gird our loins and join in on a good argument with our loved ones.... we just (or speaking for myself) I'm just not strong enough....yet.!! My daughter picked 2 weeks after my final Taxotere to tell me about all the horrilble things I had done to her when she was little... this started after I snapped at her for gumpping at me and saying "why are you so out of breath... you aren't moving at all you aren't getting enough exercise"... we haven't spoken more than 2 or 3 times since. What is wrong here??? Are they somehow incapable??? Am I?? Not sure what the answers are, but I feel horrible, have I lost my only child??
Sorry for the rant, but no one else seems to understand.
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KELBAN...I am so sorry you have to go through that along with everything else that goes along with this journey. Maybe she is just not at the mature stage in her life where she can handle it but at the same time you are at a a stage in your life where you have to take care of yourself and do whats best for you. I am sorry I hope you continue to heal mind body and heart
best wishes
Maria
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pteney - I'm sorry you had to go through that! I haven't started chemo yet but when I told my friend I was going to buy a wig and asked him if he had any special preference for color or style, he asked me why? I said I thought it would make people uncomfortable to see me bald and he replied, "are you ashamed to have cancer? Did you ask for this? Did you do anything to deserve this? Are you wearing a wig because you want to or for others?"
I wish we could all have that kind of support because I really don't want to wear a wig! I was doing it for other people's comfort but why should the comfort of strangers over ride mine????
You go ahead and style your tufts proudly! You deserve it!
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Hi again, I just wanted to say that I realize my post could/should go into a thread about hair loss, but I really needed to vent how my husband's comment hurt me and sounded, well, stupid. I agree that I shouldn't be saying things to alienate the person I love/have to live with and usually when I lead the way with a positive attitude (even if I don't feel it, it's almost like a 'fake it til ya make it' thing for me) or just a 'warrior' attitude if you will, then I find things others might say will not affect me as much (still they hurt, but I can move past it instead of dwell on it, which is what I did this morning - - I wasn't a fraction as upset about it yesterday because I had things to do and couldn't focus, but today i laid in bed and dwelled on it and by the time we were having breakfast, I kinda unleased the hurt with both guns smoking, nothing I am proud of for sure). Again, hugs to all, Patti
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CarylC - we must have posted at the same time - thank you so much for that encouragement - well said - I really like your friend's observation too, wow, i'm just so in awe of such supportive people. I think that is why I try to talk about issues of cancer, and showing my not so hairy head (I actually had a riot showing family and friends 6 years ago and made a little video of all the 'hat tricks' I had) so that if they ever have to go down this road, maybe it won't be so bumpy or scarey and you can have laughs along the way -- guess i forgot that attitude this morning.
Hugs, Patti
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I said "My jeans are kinda tight - must be from the chemo." He said "Oh, come on, the last chemo was at Thanksgiving - you can't blame that on the chemo."
Unreal. Walk away, just walk away...
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pteney..Sorry you had to deal with such an unkind comment..and that's what it was. My DH has said a few times when I've been getting ready to go out.."aren't you going to wear your wig?" Sometimes I wear the wig ( it looks cute so probably looks better then my crocheted cap) but usually I just don't feel like having the stupid wig on my head. My reply to him is..it's uncomfortbale and I just don't feel like wearing it today. He knows better than to say any more. So my feeling is..I have cancer, I'm dealing with it the best I can and if people don't like the way I look...I really don't care. So no..I don't think you should be worrying about anyone else's "sensitivities"..just my opinion.
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Kelben....if your daughter is still a teen...well...they say some awful things. Someone posted a similiar situation on another thread about her daughter's hurtful comments. I raised a daughter and boy they come out with some "amazing" things. I don't know why but eventually they do "grow up" and get a clue. Sorry you had to be hurt by such thoughtless comments...:(
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Ang7..Yikes..is he for real..
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