The dumbest things people have said to you/about you
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sorry ive been hiding out lately, not posting, but ive been watching.. reading, i mean.. sorry the H is being such a jerk!! we get over it , if, and when we get over it, we're the one who had, or has it...imho>>>3jays
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Hi ladies
ok just need to vent
went to dinner tonight with my FIL and his wife. She is a very nice lady. We were talking about a friend of hers that is deciding what kind of reconstruction to undergo. She gave her my number and I spoke to this women last week. Well at dinner she was saying her friend said howmuch I helped etc... great!... thn proceeds to go on and say I told her why are you doing reconst? why would you put yourself through surgery you didnt need its not life saving why would anyone do that?... I said umm I am sitting right here, knowing I had a bilat with reconst.. I said why would you tell her that? she said well I think it is unnecssary surgery... I said you say that becsuse thank God you have never been faced with that choice. I said I had reconstr and still struggle with what I lost to a point , I said you have no idea what this feels like and then busted out crying... so much for al ight hearted dinner.... I know she didnt say it to be mean she really is a sweet lady but poeple just dont understand what this is like... so really shouldnt be giving advice... I didnt even give her friend advice its a personal decison I just told her my experience with the kind of reconst I had...
Ok thanks for letting me vent
Goodnight
Maria
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Dear Ladies, especially you Tink (VENT ON!!!),
I tried to go out with friends tonight too and guess what.. all I heard was that they don't understand why I refer to myself as having cancer, "I mean it's gone right?" They told me I should say I had cancer. Gramatically yes - emotionally
who the hell are they to say anything. I replied "Drs. don't use the term cancer free anymore - once you have it there is always that chance of recurrance - so they say NED." I explained all this, and I think everyone is correct on this site. If you haven't been there you just don't get it. Then the whole nights conversation was comandeered by one woman talking about her great fun life. I just kept shoving pizza in my face (great for the diet plan) and every time I tried to change the subject it just went back to her great life. So much for getting out for some fun with friends.Maria my dear, just be happy that the person you talked to was glad she talked to you and know that you helped her during these tough times. When I first got diagnosed it was the people on these boards who helped me. We need each other, and you helped that lady.
As far as my bad DH situation- Thanks girls for all the comments and encouragement. I think I'm going to go to find a counselor for sure, work on finding a job, and start exercising properly to reduce this swelling/undiagnosed LE (and get a DX). So far I am just walking everyday. And of course check in with you here on the boards for support and encouragement!
I'm going to try to keep things going on the homefront until I feel more competent. I've mentioned before that my DH's first wife died 2 years before I met him with pancreatic cancer. They were married 20 years and she died in 6 weeks. So I have to believe that his attitude of wanting to run away from our marriage has a lot to do with those pent up emotions/baggage, BUT that doesn't excuse mean hurtful behavior.
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I forgot to tell you I LOVE the truck 3jays, the bus almost seems to friendly for some people!
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Thanks valgal! your right, I need to focus on that and realize that some people really dont get it... I wish you the best of luck with your DH... Thank God for these boards and the ladies on them
Have a great day!
Maria
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Sandee, I have to ask. There are two people in your avatar, but only two legs. S'up?
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Hi Valgal: I just read your post. First, I can't believe your sister's comment and then I was totally shocked to read your husband's! omg! What the heck is the matter with some people. I am so sorry by their total lack of support.
As far as my sister goes...some of her comments make me want to smack her. They have certainly made me less "there" for her. I just can't listen to her insistent need to have it worse. There's something inherently wrong with that.
I wish you all the best with your recovery Val Gal. Hugs.
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I told someone at work (she's new) yesterday about my bc. Her first words? "Did you smoke?" WTF?
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Barbe - Oh wouldn't you like to just smack 'em??? If you done ANYTHING, that's the cause ... grrrrr...
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Barbe - Did you tell her "no, but my boobs were smokin'!"? What an idiot!
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Juli50 that is a GREAT line! I love it. I hope I can remember it when (not if) I get the chance to use it.
Tink you have to remember that everyone is brave and decisive when it's all conjecture -your FIL's wife would probably be jello if she got diagnosed. You just take care of yourself and protect your feelings. That's what I'm going to try to do. Where did your screen name originate?
Travelgal too bad we don't live closer. I'm in Illinois. It would be really fun to invite our sisters out for a few cocktails and we could just let them talk and watch what would happen. After my sisters insensitive comments your sis would be happy to "share" your cancer stories - LOL Hang in there buddy
Sandee: I hope your doing well. I've thought about the friend thing but when you get older (54) it's kind of hard to find comfortable places to crash. If things get worse I'll find a spot. I wonder if the laws are the same here for insurance /separation. That's another option. I'm hoping it won't come to that just yet. I've had a lot of trauma lately. My brother died at age 58 in December- it was a really bad year last year. Today I just broke down crying in the parking lot of Target because Forever Young by Rod Stewart came on the radio (lyrics and my brother liked him). I'm a bit of a mess these days. I'd like to thank you though for all your advice and care.
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JULI50..Thats an awesome line!
Valgal... Your right about that what someone says they would do and what they actually due when faced with a diagnosis is so different. Looking back I never thought would be able to handle or make the decisons I have made but I did and I am honestly happy with the choices I have had to make given the circumstances. My screen name originates from the fact that I am a huge Tink fan, , so after my first big surgery (it was 13 hours)6 weeks late I had to go for another and i was like ok lets do this and one of my friends said in a joke.. " wow you are like tinkerbell your petite but have a tough attitude when you need to be, you have such such Tinkertude" we laughed and it kinda stuck...
Im so sorry to hear about your brother... hugs to you!!!
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Valgal- I know..it is hard as we get older to reach out as well.....but at 48, now 49, I have spent weekends wih friends simply not to be alone in this whole cancer journey...and I hav ebeenshocked by how many people have either shown up on my door or told me to come and stay to rest and recharge my battery.....friends will come out of the woodwork if we only ask. Keep some kleenex in your pocket my friend....the stars are all messed up...something has to give soon and then things will even out..until then, cry when you need to. it will help you to keep on going.
hugs
S
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not been feeling the best this past week.. just wanted to stop by and see how everyones' doing.. so sorry things are bad right now, VALGAL. sorry for your loss. that'll kick your butt for a long time, and then jerky comments don't help.ple that don't have bc JUST DONT GET IT!!! love you all love the story, tinkertude.. 3jays
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I haven't been on here in a very long time, but stopped in to read a little bit. ValGal - My ex and I split up right around the time of my dx. It was already in the process, he'd bought a house and was fixing it up to move into when I found out about my BC. He went ahead and moved out, and truly it was easier to have him gone. I was also on his insurance, so we didn't finalize our divorce until last month, so that I could get my medical stuff settled and start on COBRA and my employer is helping to cover that. If you don't have a job, that's rough. Is a legal separation agreement where he'd provide insurance for you at all possible? My heart goes out to you. I kept telling myself last year that having multiple issues hit all at once (I was also dealing with my mother's dementia and my daughter having health issues), that I couldn't obsess on any one issue too much because they were all so demanding. It gets better! A year later, I'm at peace and life is good. I hate the feeling that I failed at marriage, but I had to admit to the failure and move forward to be happy. In an odd way, I think having cancer made me more certain that I wanted to end the marriage. Life is too short to be miserable and we'd tried for a couple of years to fix things. Thoughts and hugs to you!
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When I left my first husband the thought that slowed me down the most was that I didn't want to become a statistic! I hated admitting failure too, but my kids learned that 2 happy homes are better than one miserable one!
Juli- GREAT line!!!! You done good!
3jays I DO hope that you feel better soon! You REALLY threw yourself for a loop with your birthday celebrations!!
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It's wierd but I kind of feel the same way as Candy, that cancer has made me re-evaluate whether I want to be in this marriage. I've always been considered a giving, party type person and I'm really not myself since this marriage. Loved to have big family holidays and friends over all the time - I miss that. I'm realizing it didn't stop because of cancer- it stopped after I got married. I don't know if I could continue coverage under a separation in IL. It might be up to him. I just have to find a job and I'll be O.K. I think. At least there are some job postings now - hopefully something will turn up. Thanks you guys ...for making me feel supported and cared for by all your comments and advice and good wishes. I'm hoping I can write some GOOD news soon.
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Dear Candy,
I forgot to tell you my niece is at Butler! I also have a good friend who lives in Indianapolis. I'll be coming there for a weeekend soon. Maybe we could try to meet up for a coffee or a drink? I'll let you know when the date firms up for my trip.
Also Good for you Barbe, sounds like you made the right choice. I think I'm really hung up on the fact this didn't work because I waited till so late in life to get married (50). I should have known better - but I think I got the old bait and switch- he couldn't have been more perfect BEFORE the wedding but the signs were there I guess.
3Jays hope you feel better. Hi to Tinkertude (love that story) Hi to anyone else I missed!
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ok officially..
sisters, co workers husbands.. under the bus they go!!! 0 -
3jaysmom- I never get tired of that bus!
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I love that bus too! Keep it rollin' !!
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I'm living with a jerk too. It's hard in my case because of my age and little money of my own. I dream about winning the lottery... honestly. It's interesting how B C has given us strength, and opened our minds to the realities in life.
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Kelben/kathy-- it reminds me of a story--I'm irish and the irish have a story for everything.
My son was perhaps 3 y/o. By the light of the stars and the moon through the window over our heads, I was teaching him "Starlight, starbright, first star I see tonite, wish I may, wish I might, have the wish, I wish tonite " Told him he couldn't tell anyone what he wished for, then asked him what he wished for? He said " I can't tell you said". "Ah , but you can always tell your mom." SO, he says "I wished we won the lottery". What a hoot! I didn't even know, he knew what the lottery was, must have been his dads influence. Out of the mouths of babes. The son has now taken over the resposibility of betting the same numbers, that my greg bet for -gosh---30 some years.
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R
Hi to All
Awhile back I posted that I needed to throw my boss under the bus because she just didn't get it and after reading everyone's diffuculties, I thought I'd give an update. For what ever reason, my boss and I have been getting along much better. I think it is give and take on both of our parts. I didn't even tell her I was having a leaking implant changed out on my day off, just went back the next day and gave her my restriction note and told her I felt great which was the truth, I didn't even have pain. Yesterday went to PS appt. and told him how pleased I was with everything, that he gave me a beautiful result and he smiled and said "I did didn't I". I sent him a thank you card that says "You're Mr. Fix it". I have to say that my DH has been a really thoughtful guy of late, even planning a 20th anniversary party and helping to pick out an engagement ring setting (using my Grandmother's diamond) and new matching wedding band. Mind you,he has his issues, but he is my biggest support. Just thought I'd give some good news for a change.0 -
I need to throw my two colleagues who picked me up from the hospital last week under the bus..despite telling me to check in each day and take it one day at a time...and the fact that I have actually done that...thought it might be causing them some confusion to call each day so I wrote to say "I won't be in this week"...and they wrote back to say 'We think you should stay out the rest of the month since you had planned a vacation anyhow'...it is too confusing and the people doing your jobs don't know what to do (really? not what they told me last night or this evening)...the email further said that they needed me to get my strength back because we have a busy summer coming up and they need me to be functioning in my role as Director of Studies...clearly the little bird is out that I am thinking of giving up that role and going the easier one of teacher trainer only...she emailed me at 4pm (when she leaves) and said they would call me tomorrow afternoon after I have had some time to think about it to discuss it....I plan on showing up to talk in person tomorrow am instead. Seriously....WTF? I can't drive, can't fly...can't go anywhere, can't really go and exercize at the gym...can only use my brain...so I am going to what..sit in my apartment and stare at the walls? I would instead be drumming up resumes and looking for new work....it is not as if they are going to pay me to sit here....and now that the training is postponed to May, I won't have any $ coming in at all. Hell...the cardiologist said I could go back two weeks following surgery and that is Monday....I am goign to ask them if they want/need a damn letter. ARGH!
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Careful sandee about asking if they want a letter , that maybe exactly what they want. Don't provide the amunition. Sounds like you can handle anything. Go Girl. Don't let anyone trip you up
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thanks Sas-schatzi! I will hold that in reserve. if they do want it, I will call my dr. and have someone drive me back in to get it saying I can go back half time the first week and then full time as I see fit...which is esentially what the dr said. Work cannot force me to take my vacation especially as I told my supervisor that I had cancelled it.she is just worried that her workhorse may start saying no to some of the work ( and I plan to)...but I wanted to have more time to think about and process it and felt we could do it as a team next week...wasn't surprised that this happend in retrospect..she always says one thing and does another....and then does not express it in a way that I do not feel offended by so...going to dress up sandee teacher style and say hullo and force a dialogue...
BED time! Thanks for the encouragement SAS!
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sandee... im sorry your having so much trouble. but, sas schatzi is right. you sound as though you can handle them.
we had the same problem with my DH Murs' job. trying to force him to take FMLA as THEY wanted him to. he took it as I needed it, not as his boss wanted! ill have the bus ready whenever ya need it.. i never get sick of it, either..
i say the bus is coming with a sweet look on my face, to Mur when im fuming.. we get a good laugh, and it defuses the situTION, and the jerk of the moment is confused, which is great! lol jays
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Sandee
I'm private messaging you
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