The dumbest things people have said to you/about you
Comments
-
Is this bus scene from Mean Girls? And yes, people can't seem to wait to tell me they have lost their parents to breast cancer.....
0 -
Dear Lisa E, I think you dismissed the fact that I said I'm overweight too (we were pretty fairly matched). You could look at my comment any way you want...as a warning to her... as a rude remark... or as something to stop someone from handing out uninformed tales of woe. I wanted to silence her while I took care of my toiletries - because I shouldn't have to listen to how young everyone she knew was when they died of BC at the health club! You would have had to be there.
Edited to add: By the way Lisa, this thread is about the dumb things people say to you, so I'll consider your comment as one of those.
0 -
Valgal, having breast cancer does not mean we are exempt from making dumb remarks and you may consider my comment dumb.
I have had people say dumb things to me. If I respond to those comments, I respond directly (like you did to me) and tell them that I don't find their comments helpful or I that I am not interested in what they have to say. Just as you shouldn't have to listen to the young woman's tales of woe, she shouldn't have to listen to your warning - which is in essence telling her that she is fat. Leave that to her doctor.
0 -
Well val gal maybe you should have told her about all the people you know who have died as a direct result of being obese. I'm not skinny, I'm fat, and I know damn well why I am at the gym trying to exercise and loose weight, and I suspect the woman, who started telling you all about the people she knew who died of cancer, wasn't in denial about being obese. I can control being fat I cannot control having breast cancer.
0 -
Personally, if someone starts telling me about the people they know who have died of cancer, knowing I have cancer, I will have no problem interrupting them and telling them I really cannot handle hearing about them. I think comments by others like that are beyond rude..they are INCREDIBLY CRUEL AND HURTFUL.
0 -
As opposed to someone who is living with breast cancer being told about how it is a death sentence? Is that not cruel and hurtful? Two wrongs don't make a right, I get that, but sometimes someone needs to do more then just ask the offending party to shut up. Valgal didn't ask for a testimony on how many people die from breast cancer. What makes it right for another person to tell her that? I think some people really need a dose of their own medicine because they don't understand how hurtful their words are if it's just someone saying please don't tell me about the people you know who have died. That makes it seem like you are in denial.
0 -
People will not understand that their words are hurtful unless they are told so in a very direct way. Responding to rude comments by being rude, while fun to think about, just perpetuates the rudeness. jmo...
0 -
This has happened to me, it scared me like hell and i thought
how insensitive can people be. took me 3 days to
take that interaction out of my mind. that person felt
so self important in telling me that his mother had BC which
went into her pharyng and that she was no more.
how does one digest that...0 -
I am all for perpetuating rudeness when it is necessary, some people just do not understand they are being rude until you throw it back at them. I get the impression from people who have told me that their aunt, mother, grandma, etc have died from breast cancer that they don't realize they are being rude. They think they are sympathizing with me. I can tell them I don't want to hear about people who have died while i am trying to live. They think I am "trying to be positive" and I don't want to hear the reality. No, I'm trying to live, I'm trying to be upbeat, I am trying not to dwell on the fact I am now Stage IV.
0 -
it is just plain thoughtless to tell someone like us about the tales of death in regards to BC or any other kind of cancer. I know I take a lot of it in (the free boob job comments, the easy cancer comments, the I wish I had BC so I could have new boob coments and the litany of whoever they know that didn't make it) but sometimes it just hurts too much. So, I could see myself responding in kind someday-only human, as it is- my poor hubby gets to hear it.
As for general snarkiness, I am hoping the amounts of it found throughout the various threads is just the result of sadness and confusion on the part of whomever is spreading nastiness...
0 -
I see nothing wrong with Valgal's response that obesity is a risk factor...she may have even saved that woman's life. Many don't know obesity is a risk factor. And I'm afraid I just don't "get" how anyone could NOT know that sharing their stories about people they know who have died of cancer to someone who is battling cancer could not be hurtful. Anyway, we are all sisters here and although we may not always agree we need to be here for each other. Valgal was sharing how upset she was by someone's remark and how she reacted and I am here to support all of my sisters who are hurting just as they have always supported me.
0 -
we ARE HUMAN...WE SOMETIMES REACT ONE WAY AND SOMETHINGS ANOTHER....i KNOW MY OBSES SISTER DOES NOT APPRECIATE COMMENTS AIMED AT HER WHEN SHE WALKS THE STREETS OF HER CITY BUT i KNOW SHE GETS IT BECAUSE SHE IS A 'TARGET' AD PEOPL EIN THE COUNTRY SHE IS CURRENTLY LIVING IN THINK IT IS PERFECTLY OK TO TELL HER "YOU ARE FAT!" - HER RESPONSE TO THEM IS "yES i KNOW. THANK YOU FOR TELLING ME" BUT INSIDE, SHE IS SEATHING....HOW DARE THEY? THEY DON'T KNOW THE STRUGGLES OR HER FEARS RE. HER OBSEITY...SHE HAS TIED FOR YEARS TO LOSE..AND STILL STRANGERS WILL COMMENT ...AND IT ALWAYS BOGGLES HER MIND.
MY EXPERIENCE IS DIFFERENT...NO ONE HAS TOLD ME OF A DYING FAMILY MEMBER ....I ONLY HEAR ABOUT MY FRIENDS' WHOSE FAMILY MEMBERS KNOW....MAYBE IT ISBECAUSE ONLY MY FRIENDS AND COLLEAGUES KNOW SO i DONT GET THEDEATH STORIES...
i USUALLY EMBRACE THEM WHEN THEY TELL ME AND TELL THEM THAT i AM SORRY FOR THEIR LOSS AND HOPE THEY ARE COPING OK....NOTHING E;SE FOR ME TO SAY REALLY..
0 -
SORRY-ust realized one above was all in capials...was not meaning to yell!
0 -
I have a double whammy for all you ladies. Last year, shortly after I was told I had breast cancer, I was about to leave my GP's office with tears streaming down my face and a registered nurse who worked there, and that I have known socially for 15 years, said to me "you know, keeping a positive attitude is really important". Hmmm, positive attitude, just found a lump in my breast 4 months after a clear mammogram, biopsy shows aggressive BC, lumpectomy shows aggressive invasive BC and now I've a Stage 3 breast cancer facing, chemotherapy and baldness, radiation therapy and 5 years of nasty hormone tablets.....and I'm supposed to be positive all the time. What planet does she live on?
This nurses last comment to me just before I went in for my double mastectomy with reconstruction was I could get breasts bigger than hers......she has huge implants just to augment her own natural breasts...how should she be so lucky to have her own natural breasts.
I don't think people set out to be cruel or mean to us. Their remarks and stories are cruel, mean, hurtful and stupid to us. Most people just don't know when it's best to cut their words short and just say "sorry to hear about your breast cancer" or DON'T SAY ANYTHING AT ALL!
Breast cancer for me has been an emotional roller coaster ride, for me, myself, and dealing with others, including my own husband and teenage son.
0 -
Thanks Emily and everyone who understands why I responded the way I did at the health club, and thought to share it. I'm just really tired of being the "nice one" or "the courteous one" who overlooks insensitive people. From what I've read here... we have all encountered them. I did not relate my healthclub conversation verbatim, by the way, and I was merely adding to the thread another abbreviated incident.
The manner in which I choose to conduct myself is my business. I assure you that the health club "victim" was not altered or deterred from continuing her liturgy in any way. If anything she was grateful for any knowledge I could give her. I had to leave with wet hair to get away from her. Thanking all of you supportive sisters.
0 -
Valgal, I would have responded similarly. I'm overweight as well and look even more so after BMX. It is what it is...
justagirl, I would have reported that nurse. That's incredibly insensitive, and for her to make remarks on 2 different occasions shows she needs to be told that's not appropriate or professional.
0 -
When I was dx - I kept it quiet at work. However, one busybody overheard and came in to give me the - " I have a friend who had BC ......" talk. I told her I didn't want to hear it, asked her to stop, covered my ears and turned my head away. She continued, pulled my hands away from my ears ..... told me I "needed" to hear this..... in the end I believe her friend had no arms, legs, or head left.
We have to do, what we have to do. Sometimes being polite just doesn't cut it. Valgal, I think you did right to go with your heart.
Justagirl - nobody should tell you how you should feel. You are the only judge of that. The nurse was behaving inappropriately (both as a nurse and as a friend). She probably suffers from low self esteem and trys to bolster her importance by giving "advise".
0 -
Molly, if a co-worker had pulled my hands away from ears after I asked her to stop, I'm afraid her friend wouldn't be the only one with no arms, legs or head left!! Just saying!
0 -
sig2130 ditto
0 -
Wow. Some people must think they are in charge of what people ought to know to the degree if ignoring a person covering their ears so they can manage what is coming at them? Man! I know I had such a hard time assimilating the fact that i had bc I was very picky about who I told so I wouldn't have unwanted info shoved at me "for my own good." it helped to limit who I told some. Peace and love, girls.
0 -
You all are so supportive!
That horrible nurse, who gave me her advice about my bc and dm, is married to the doctor who owns the practice, and would you believe, he is a really nice man and excellent caring doctor. I know, he used to be my Dr, but after 10 years with him, he got so busy it was difficult to book with him and this lovely lady Dr joined his practice and he thought I might like her and I do.
This woman Dr has walked every step of this bc hell with me. She has cried with me, given me hugs, held me and been my NUMBER ONE support person. I love my dh of 32 years (I'm 58 yo) and my 17yo son, but it's my wonderful Dr who has gotten me semi-sanely through this nightmare. I won't call it an adventure as I think adventures should be fun.
Like Cyborg, when I first was diagnosed and for the following 6 months while going through surgeries, chemo and radiation, I told very few people and I think I did it as a protective mechanism to avoid people's comments and stories, plus having to deal with them feeling sad because I had bc. Imagine me cheering them up! On the other hand, my husband was the original 'Chatty Kathy' telling everyone he came in contact with about my bc. Then he would come home and ask me if what he did was ok. Crazy, but telling people seemed to make him feel better. I just told him do whatever he wanted but also tell these people to not call me as I wasn't in a 'chatting mood ' nor to 'drop by' for a visit. Two women dropped by individually without calling ahead (we live out of town on property), bringing flowers (nice) and crying (not so nice) while I was feeling so rotten with chemo treatments. One well-meaning friend sent like $200 of white lillies that looked and smelled like a funeral to me. I got so upset I had to get them out of my home.
I've tried to keep having a DM quiet and asked my husband to not broadcast it as I don't want a pity party, so having had this surgery, emotionally, has been easy as I haven't had to deal with any truly stupid remarks by people except for the last one by the nurse I know socially (along with her husband, who I used to occasionally work with).
Long story, and may we all have long lives full of joy, happiness and few tears.
0 -
You go Valgal - people deserve to know when they are NOT being helpful. I had one woman (a friend of my Mom's, both of whom have had Stage I BC) tell me - she was really surprised to see me considering how bad my dx was. That comment has always haunted me. I really don't know what is worse, people acting like it is an immediate death sentence or acting like it is no big deal. It has been a big deal for me and colors every minute of my life. Not that I am not happy - I mostly am, but I live in constant pain both emotionally and physically. I try to just act fine most of the time - I don't want to be a Debbie Downer or Wendy Whiner, although my DH would probably say I was both - just venting - Ellie
0 -
Justagirl, what do you mean when you say dm or DM? I'm missing something here...sorry!
0 -
Got a new one Sunday at church.. was telling someone I was going to an oncologist on monday and he asked which one.... I told him and he goes on to tell me how the OTHER oncologist had no memory and almost killed his dad... I won't give you the gorey details but it wasn't anything I needed to hear before my appt. We should write a book on all these experiences and name it, "What NOT to say to someone with Breast Cancer"
It was a blessing that I have the GOOD Oncologist... I really like who I am with.
0 -
Sorry LisaE but I'm on Valgal's side. I'm usually too polite or too stunned to respond the way I would like to when someone says something incredibly insensitive. I had one experience, two years after my BC diagnosis (also had ovarian in 2002) from an acquaintance who's husband died in 2004 of esophageal cancer.
"Do you know how lucky you are?" Really? I've had cancer twice, both late stage III, I've lost my ovaries, lost my breasts, now have LE and have to live with the fear that I may have passed the BRCA1 on to my children. I must have been born under a lucky star!
She's a really rude, obnoxious person and I wish I had ripped her apart. However, I did respond in a very calm and commiserating sounding manner while I let her know that I was late stage III both times and the BC was so bad that I thought I would be dead in a year so "Yes, I am very lucky to be alive". She was absolutely stunned which made me very happy!
0 -
BMac, I still think the best way to deal with someone saying some that is rude or insensitive is not to respond in kind, but to respond directly to what was said. Hard? Sure, but that really is the only way people will get it. Your response to your acquanintance sounds like it was direct and it sounds like she got it. If you had said something snarky, or had attacked her personally, I doubt she would have.
0 -
I think it is quite common for our emotions to just take over.I do not think any one should give advice on emotions.I have experienced them all the last 3 years and reacted in different ways.After 3 years I have started to get used to insensitive remarks and ignore them but I still have a good cry now and then when I am alone.
0 -
Ellie-you have every right to your feelings. When people lack knowledge that more than what they have exists, they have done nothing to educate themselves-------they assume erroneously that all are alike. Those that had a certain response to treatment can do the same. They can't deal with or comprehend what they don't understand-----translation not only do they lack sympathy , but also empathy. Further translation, they are shallow human beings.
I did a rant someplace not long ago, that i'm still trying to find because I want to delete or modify. I was flying on emotions when I wrote it. That does well for great poetry. Mine was not poetry.
I did think of doing a rant thread one time with no response needed just let me spout LOL, but we here, by nature of most, want to give words of encouragement. I still might give it a try. "RANTS ONLY NO ENCOURAGEMENT WANTED" with the directions---just want to spout off.
I just had a thought you could run off the BCO descriptions of each dx. Give it to them and say "I did not have what you had, read this and learn, then you will have a clue why we are different". Now they may not read it, but you have the satisfaction of trying to educate them.
Namaste sas
0 -
barbe, I thought she meant DM = double mastectomy?
0 -
People have this weird innate need to share experiences, however inappropriate it is...good, bad or different..I ended up with a lot of people telling me of the successful journeys their mothers, aunts, grandmothers and aunts had had.....I am incredibly grateful that the people I chose to tell did not say stupid things to me...
However, the first surgeon I went to thought it was appropriate to reach into my gown in front of the medical student and say ' She will have good cleavage though because her cancer it off to the side under her arm"...I felt to vulnerable to tell him he was being a knob and because I thought HE was the one who was going to cut into my breast (he also said he was #1 on the team of four surgeons and that the other male doctor was #2...I got #3...a female)....when I called the breast cancer navigator to check on my appointment, I told her what the surgeon had said and when I met the surgeon who was to do my surgery, I told her too....and when she responded with "I'll get him back for that" I responded with " I would prefer that you tell him to NEVER say that to a woman coming in for breast cancer surgery again!"...He is my one and only ASS and he will never , ever touch these puppies!
that being said...the nurse sounds like an idiot....I know it is hard to report things after the fact but it might help her, and YOU, to tell her "That is inappropriate"
0
