The dumbest things people have said to you/about you
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Morning Ladies,
Just needed to vent a bit. Hope you don't mind. I'm officially 13 week PFC today, I ditched the wig last week, Christmas was the first time my grandfather saw me without it. At one point he looks at me and says "Did the cancer do that to your hair or did you do it like that on purpose?", when I told him the Chemo made my hair fall out he replied with "Good, I'm glad it's from the Cancer and not because you chose to do that, I don't like it."
Why do family members feel the need to express their unwanted opinions? Now, my grandfather is 90 and I've been dealing with his opinions my whole life, I'm soooooo tired of everyone saying, he's old just let it go. I'm not ready to let it go, it was a really hurtful thing to say, why does he feel the need to be rude???
Thanks for letting me vent.
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Mccrimmon--nobody is too old to be taught manners! Go back to GrandPa and ask if he really thought that his opinion of your hair even matters to you--if he says "yes' tell him he's wrong! Then sit back and watch all the jaws hit the floor.
Or maybe, very very sweetly, "GrandDad, I just have to let you know that what you said about my hair was rude. But I forgive you since you are so old that you've gotten senile and can't remember what good manners are."
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Old people are mean. With very few exceptions, this is a verified truth. Mostly because their life is nearing it's end and it's not an easy thing to live with, and one has the tendency to vent it out on the surrounding people.
Also they will say things without bothering to think if it might hurt someone or not, because they've earned the right to not give a rat's behind. Their cognitive processes are severely damaged in most cases.
So, yes, unfortunately, let it go. Nothing you can do to change it. You can't bring your grandpa to the health and frame of mind he had in his 20's.
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About that bus, of course the bitch of it is that when you have BC, you could get killed either by the BC OR by that damned bus.
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Oh Ananda, stop that, you silly girl. You need not justify dumping his sorry behind. He is lucky you didn't remove his testicles with a rusty knife before booting him out.
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Day, I'm sorry I must disagree with you. As an active volunteer at our Senior Center for 17 years and also old enough to have watched a lot of people grow old I have observed that most "mean" old people were that way when they were young. True some get a bit cranky with their aches and pains but if asked I suspect that would be true of a great many of the women of all ages on these boards, just check out the "I'm bitchy, I moan, I groan....anyway" topic.
edited to correct topic name.
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Actually I thought of editing the post to say "most".
As a Director of Activities at an Independent Living Senior Housing Center I could verify my previous observations. Very few elderly people were actually nice. Yes, some of them could be nice if they wanted to achieve something (we all know that the elderly can be way more mischievious in manipulating people to their ends). They were still in the limits of civility but the slightest spark could make things go downhill very fast. Do not get me wrong - my intent was not to criticize in any way. I perfectly understand why elderly are the way they are and their mind frameset - I wouldn't have been able to work there if I couldn't. It is a truth, and not trying to cotton-candy things. I love working with the elderly, as there is so much to learn from them., all it takes is to know how to deal with their little irks and they need much less than other people to feel happy. I DO miss my job and the people there a lot. Unfortunately with the long-term SE from my breast reconstruction I cannot go back to work there.
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I must say that the elderly that I have knowen are mostly those who were or are living independently (as singles or couples) or in extended family situations. In this retirement community they make up nearly 50% of our population. Another 10 to 15% move here as early retirees and stay to age into the elderly group. Yes, some are nasty. The nastiest of the elderlies I know was just as nasty when I first met her shortly after she retired over 20 years ago.
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lz and lys - you need to find a "grow a brain" or "grow a heart" package for your secret Santa. What an idiot. AND she knew it!!! As evidenced by her own comment.
Jesus Christ, people. When you open your mouth and have to say the words "this may be offensive"...shut your mouth! Or, in this case, keep your gift.
Staying composed in front of the crowd almost endorses what she did. I think the appropriate response would have been "Really? Did you really think that this was funny?" I would have embarassed her in front of everyone. I really would have. I have done it.
People who make stupid comments need to be shut down immediately. I do it. I have to. It's in my nature.
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My stupid commenter of the day asked me on my 2nd day back at work post recon surgery if I had fun on my 3 week vacation. WTH????? Vacation? That was asked at about 8:30 this morning and I am still scratching my head over that one. Then at lunch she had the nerve to say something about me having been off for over 2 months total this year and that she wished she had my job. I almost lost it! Let's see, yes 2 days in January for chemo, 1 in Feb last chemo,4weeks in March for bilat MX with TEs, assorted Dr appts that I either left work early for or came in late because of the appt times, 1 day in July for colonoscopy and then 3 weeks this month for recon surgery. Oh, and let's not forget 30 days of radiation ;that I would rush off to after work during May and June. She can have my job! The full time job right now is trying to survive this CRAP.
I just want a vacation!
Becca
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Wow. I wonder what I'm going to hear when I go back to work! I've been on medical leave since May and not due back until March/April!
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Retort: You cAn have my job but the cancer goes with it!
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becca, the only thing I can think of is that she didn't know about the bc. Probably not true, and I endorse kmccraw423's responce! I'm sure she'll say something again, so keep that one in your pocket for quick use.
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I just want to know, why is it that it seems everytime I tell someone (for the 1st time) that I have Stage IV cancer (and what that means)... they seem to always launch into a story about someone they know who also had some type of cancer and usually the story ends with, "and they died from it." HOW THE HECK IS THAT SUPPOSED TO BE HELPFUL OR ENCOURAGING??!! DO THEY REALLY THINK THEY ARE RELATING TO ME??!! It just happened to me yesterday and I wanted to scream!!0
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Wondering.. all who say they are stage IV..Did they start with that or it came back?
I heard that once you are diagnoised you stay that stage..
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bar630, I think technically I'm called "Stage III with distant recurrence" or "Stage III with metastatic recurrence" but as a type of "shorthand" on BCO I'm called Stage IV. In terms of tx there is no difference. When I meet new docs and give a med history I say I have metastatic BC.
My onc says I have a "chronic condition". Which is one of the reasons I stay with him.
Leah
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"I heard that once you are diagnoised you stay that stage.."
Incorrect.If you stay NED for the rest of your life, then you are no stage anymore. If you have a recurrence or a new primary or metastasis then you get the new tumor(s) stage. The type, ER/PR/Her status can be different, etc.
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Day is right, once treatment is done, medically we are referred to as having a History of Stage X breast cancer. If bc is found again, it is evaluated and then classified as "metastatic" or "recurrent" or "new primary" bc of whatever stage the new tumor turns out to be. The only time the stage changes is when mets are found with no new primary site, then the stage changes to Stage 4, unless the mets are controllable for a long time, then "distant recurrence" is often the phrase used. But, 'distance recurrence" and Stage 4 are treated exactly the same way.
Medical record entrries would look like this:
"Pt is a 52 year old female, diagnosed with breast carcinoma, Stage 2a, left breast in 2007, currently in year 4/5 of AI therapy with NED. "
"Pt is a 52 year old female with a past medical history of Stage 2a breast carcinoma diagnosed in 1999 currently NED."
"Pt is a 52 year old female with STage 4 breast carcinoma with mets to the left lung and liver, witha past medical history of Stage 2a breast carcinoma treated with mastectomy and antihormonal therapy."
The terminology is just a shorthand way for us medical folks to talk to each other. The terminology isn't used as consistently as you would think. I prefer to use the phrase "cancer free" rather than "NED" or "remission" becuase that feels best to me. Each of us will find a phrase that works for us. Let the docs argue over the details.
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I was cancer free for 9 years when my breast cancer returned. 'Ironically' enough, my breast cancer returned in the same breast, in almost the exact same place! But due to the time delay, the Dr's called it a new cancer. And by the time all the scans were completed, we learned that my cancer had spread to the bones so I was then labeled as Stage IV; or metastatic breast cancer. That was Oct. 2008. Since then, my bone mets have continued to spread and this summer I picked up mets in my liver & lungs. I now just go from chemo to chemo; as long as the current chemo shows it can keep the cancer from spreading and I can tolerate the SE's, I stay on that one. Unfortunately that has only bought me about 6 months max per chemo but it still buys time so I shan't complain. In January I am supposed to start my next (new to me) chemo; Halaven. Not looking forward to that one but I have to keep trying. For the record, in the past 2.5 years I've been actively in treatment, I have never really had a time when I saw a lot of positive response to any particular chemo. But I keep hoping the next one will be more effective for me personally. I am far from giving up.0
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Ok - I need to vent, not sure if this has come up before - but I certainly hope not.
I'm in Australia, and some Aussie men can be absolute a$$holes.
I was visiting a friend and while I was there she had a couple of other friends call by, mother and son - son I think is in his 50's somewhere.
He was telling everyone how he had a call from his ex. His mother asked how she was etc, he replied that he thought she might want to get back together with him, but he wasn't interested as she'd lost a lot of weight, and her "tits" were now too small.
I couldn't believe my ears, and said "pardon??!!" He went on about how a woman wasn't worth having unless she had big tits. So I blew my top. He didn't know about my mx, and I think he thought I was kidding him. He kept digging himself deeper and deeper. I ended up telling him that he was exactly the sort of man who deserved to get testicular cancer (I know - not very nice of me) and then told him I was married to a "real man" as my DH didn't care whether I had one, two or no breasts. It was me he loved - not my breasts.
My friend and her mother were shocked and ended up telling him to get lost.
I just can't understand how some men think. When he left he apologised, and told me that I'd never forget him - I corrected him and told him he was completely forgetable, and I wouldn't waste my time thinking about him.
So - now that I've vented, I'll forget all about him. lol
Trish
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Why in the world would his ex want to get back together with him when she's finally successfully dumped him?0
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I'm thinking she doen't really want to get back with him - that's just his big ego!
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Good come-back, Trish!!!!!
You gave him just what he deserved!
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I like to respond to people who say horrid things under the guise of being witty with a little good old passive aggression. I pretend I don't get their jokes and make them explain them. Ad nauseum. By the time they've spent five minutes explaining their racist/sexist/crude joke they are usually squirming and those around them are thoroughly embarrassed for them. I've even called over helpers; "Joe, you're black. Maybe you can explain this joke to me. I know it has to do with a double entendre on the word coon, but.." The further advantage is that the joke teller can't accuse me of being humorless or difficult because I'm making such an earnest effort to get their humor. :-)
(Sorry, seem to have formatting issues)
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Lulu--that's a great approach! May I steal it??
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Lulu ... that's an inspired response!
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Lulu, I've been doing that with people long before the BC. See, I'm a petite blonde woman, used to be quite pretty, and 12 years ago freshly arrived in the US. Even now I still keep my East European accent even if I speak (and write) a quite perfect English - sometimes better than a native English speaker, and I have an IQ of 157 and 3 MS degrees.
I had a lot of "smart guys" trying to pull my leg due to stereotyping me - foreign blonde cute woman with an accent=little dumbass who has no idea about slang. And that is what I would be doing to them, and when they'd be squirming at the end of 10-15 minutes I'd put on a Southern accent, tell them what I did and walk away and let them eat their own medicine. My present boyfriend was the only one EVER to see through the ruse (seems I'm a good actress) and when he sees me doing that now he usually takes off so he can laugh because he can't keep a straight face while I'm "playing my number on people" lol.
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Oh Lulu - you're a woman after my own heart. I do the same thing.
Giggling Purrs,
jenn
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I want to say first of all- THANK YOU to all of you that have kept me sane. I thought I was crazy that I took offense to some of the terrible things people have said to me. I was one week back at work and the first day wearing my wig when a co-worker said"I am so uncomfortable talking to you, we aren't sure why you come to work!" I went home and cried, threw the wig in a drawer and turned to scarves. If I made people uncomfortable wearing the wig, why should I be uncomfortable.
When my hair started growing back long enough to "wear" another co worker asked if I "liked my hair like that". I replied "I like having hair is that what you mean?" The truly stupid comments are mainly from people who should just learn to say nothing. My sister tries to defend some of them and it really should just be "SHUT UP".
I have even heard "I am so jealous you will have perky boobs forever, why don't you like them?" I don't even answer anymore because it just keeps the comments coming.
Thank you to all that share this journey and Happy New Year- I pray 2012 is better.
I liked reading how you picked your names- my sister Anne died after 9 years fighting this disease, she was the bravest person I knew until it was my turn to fight.
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