The dumbest things people have said to you/about you
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Thanks for your ears!
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PLJ - dear Lord! I will admit to being thankful that my MIL crossed several years before my diagnosis, but yours really takes the cake! I'm SO sorry!
Astonished purrs,
Jenn
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PLJ... you should have asked her right there on the spot "are you sure you grasped the meaning of "family"?
Are you still talking to her after this?
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Oh PLJ - How awful. How can people be so selfish.
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My sister told me I made it hard on her this summer by just sleeping and going to chemo "You should have let me do something for you!" She said I was a little selfish and really should think about others!!! I was just trying to get through it the best way I could. I refused to apologize for doing it my way- quietly and with just my dh and kids. It is hard enough being under everyones microscope let alone worrying if you don't ask for help you may be hurting someones feelings. CRAZY
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PLJ - I too admit that I've thought a time or to that my MIL is no longer along but I doubt that she was bright enough to top that. The worst thing she ever said to me was at a dinner one night at our house. I was nearly forty and considering giving up on the fertility treatments we were trying (they never did work by the way). She said "I've given up ever having grandchildren since it is obvious you and Nancy (her daughter who announced her pregnancy a week later) don't even want children." I ran upstairs crying but felt better when I heard my DH telling her in his most controlled tone of voice what a thoughtless, insensitive, poor excuse of a Mother she was. FIL and BIL both supported DH.
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Annessister - OMG - It is crazy! I know our illness affects others, but it is still OUR illness. We have enough to do. So many people do not understand that just getting up in the morning is often a big challenge for us! My ex-not-so-sig-other was complaining about how boring I had become - For the first time since diagnosis, I loudly and slowly stated, "I AM SICK". He responded with, "Well, I have been sick, too". (He had a cold...)
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I agree people say themost insensitive stuff. My sil who works in a hospice had visited me after my bmx and she had been drinking, she cupped her breasts and said she was so glad to have her breasts and didnt know what sbe would do without them. My jaw just fell to the floor, my brother got onto her about her remark. You would think she would known better
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migallen - Oh - I just cannot even imagine how you felt - so sorry you had to experience that insensitivity - So glad your brother stepped up.
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WOW PLJ :-0
My MIL is not great (thankful she's in another country) but yours... Guess when she's older and needs assistance you're off the hook though ;-)
regards Jenn0 -
Annessister,
That is how my SIL was the first DX in 2001. She and I were best friends and she said I was selfish for not letting her help more. She was upset that my mom and dad were bringing food over so me and the kids could eat. (I was going through a divorce at the time and my ex wasn't buying groceries for me or the kids, even though he was in the house still). Finally after all my treatments and almost a full year later, I made her sit and talk to me about it. It turned out that she was scared and didnt know how to react, since I was always "the rock" that held the family together. I told her to take me off the pedestal. I am fallable, and I was very hurt that she deserted me when I needed her the most and that in reality, she was the selfish one for walking away. It took time, but we were able to get past it. I wouldn't apologize for the way I handled it either, I did what I had to do, held my kids together, family and individual counseling, more for the divorce than the cancer, but they needed to talk about it with someone. I don't get what goes through people's heads sometimes.
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I don't feel sorry for the people who make these stupid comments, I feel PITY that they have to live inside their heads!! HOW do they look themselves in the mirror every morning??
As for MIL's, I try SO hard to make sure I'm a good MIL. Whenever I see my son and his family I make a point of telling my DIL what a wonderful job she is doing with her baby and points like that. I don't make blanket comments, but make sure I pick something specific so she knows that I notice. Not sure if it means I'm seeing TOO much, but I'm just trying to support the way she runs her house. It IS her house, not mine. The other 2 are sons-in-law, so much easier to please!
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What I would have liked was someone who said "I'm sorry this is happening to you. What can I do to help?" and then give me a big hug.
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I will begin to navigate through the comments and questions in the next month and I'm dreading it. I travelled far for medical care and surgery, so have not seen many of my friends and family for the past few months. And I've had many friends that have not kept in touch at all - guess they're too fearful of dealing with the issues.
As far as the out-laws - they've been pretty outrageous for the past 20 years, so I'm not surprised at what I'm dealing with now. I will need to set some boundaries though - BC has given me a bigger voice when dealing with foolishness and I won't hesitate to use it.
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PLJ, I am SO proud of you!!! You know darn well that your FIL and SIL KNOW that she is a bitch. Good for you for mentioning the "unmentionable pink elephant in the room" - her weight!!!! ehehehhehehhehehe
I know you must ache because you have lost what could have been a good relationship but will never be...I hope your DH sticks to you like glue!!!!
Happier New Year to all!!
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Barbe1958: I felt your hug!
Hugs,
PLJ
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My husband says when a complete stranger asks about the kind of cancer I have, my response should be, "the contagious kind." and then cough a little. They asked...
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NCbeachgal Love that one - !!
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NCbeachgal - Thanks - perfect response!!
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I love the contagious reply. Now I get "Are you in remission?" I say "I like to think of myself as cured, thanks for asking".
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Oh yes - I get that one a lot - "are you in remission"? My standard response has become, "Maybe" - noone has ever ventured to ask me anymore questions after that - most of them start planning their escape by slowly walking away and mummbling something like, "call me if you need anything". I know they want to say something supportive, but it is annoying when someone I barely know suggests that I call them - I do not even have their number!
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Here's my favorite: "God only gives us what we can bare, and you're such a strong person, I know you can handle this"....
So, because I'm a strong person, God decided to give me BC? Really? That's my reward for being a strong, competent person?0 -
If someone asks "Are you in remission?" or "Are you OK now?", I just say "Sure hope so!" That usually shuts them down.
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I am an occasional contributor to this forum, lurking enjoyably. What just stuck me that I'd like to share is cancer can be put into remission. There is no cure for stupid or rude or clueless.
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I was explaining to my boss ( a female psychiatrist, as am I) that I had not expected to feel as terrible as I did about losing my hair, that I felt like I was disintegrating piece by piece, and she said, "Well, that's ridiculous, at least you're alive." The only time I wished my cancer on somebody else!
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Wow, what a clod! Your feelings are your feelings and ridicule just makes it worse.
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PLJ, your MIL sounds like My mom...minus the grossly overweight part. She has a habit of kicking people when they are down, and reminding people of their failures with a "see look what happened to you attitude"
My mom called last night and I thought she was gonna say Happy New Year - so I said it first. Instead she asked how I was doing, and when I replied same as usual, she says "well, at least you are not sick!" (she has heart disease from smoking).I was about to tell her about my DCIS diagnosis but after that I'm not sure.
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my boss told me to get a breast reduction, after I just had both breast's just cut out of me do to DCIS ( I'm still having back problems because of my surgery) from 2008 .
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Rachel, it is wonderful when a shrink is all understanding and empathetic like that
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