The dumbest things people have said to you/about you
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NativeMainer (and others), steal away! We can use all the strategies we can get to deal with the Yahoos of the world. I'm storing up good one-liners from this thread.
Day- I'm always amazed at the assumptions people make about intelligence based on one's accent or command of English. My husband attended business school at Harvard and many of his international classmates had super-smart and accomplished spouses with imperfect English who did not have work permits. Often they would take English courses or other less challenging courses through the extension school. I once witnessed a conversation between an American and a friend of mine who the American clearly felt was less intelligent that him based on her language skills and lack of a job. She was patient but I was annoyed. Good god, she was a nuclear physicist with a doctorate from a top Eastern European university who spoke English as her fourth language! Some people are idiots.
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thx for the kind words sandeeonherown, oh my these posts on this board are really wild...yep they wanted to schedule me for Jan 2 surgery ...drop everything and show up with $2000 for surg. I told them no...its cancelled, I am firing my surgeon for having little morons working his office. I chked with the hosp at the beach and they say as of tonight I am still scheduled for surgery Tues jan 2, after I told the office lady twice that I could not do it. I am now overnighting a letter to the surgeons office which will be delviered sun express mail but they will not get it until Tues morn when they get back, the office lady then left me a voicemail that the surg was on Wed!!! Oh really,so I guess the surgeons will be waiting from Tues to Wed???What about my pre-op with the anesthesia guy? Anyways I am laughing for NYrs Day,these post are so funny! Great comebacks!!Guess I gotta get prepared.
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Yep on the high IQ Day, my Dad told me for years to "dumb it down" and I didn't understand why until I was in my late 40's. My DH is the only man who can keep up with me and that's why we're so great together!!
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Annessister, I hope you give your co-workers the silent stare down when they make such unappropriate comments. I think some of my co-workers were uncomfortable with me at work for awhile, but too bad. They didn't actually say anything but I could sense it. It seems to me they didn't want to know that bc was in their midst, like it was contageous or something.
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I had two people ask me if I still had my nipples. One query was from an idiot and one from someone I respected. So it doesn't mean much. There is just so much unknown to those not in the middle of breast cancer.
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LOL that question is actually funny I would of cracked up totally.
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Yah, I know. Kind of like tits on a bull!
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I find people don't want to know about cancer, the theory being if you hide your head in the sand, the scary thing (cancer) will pass you by. I had a cat that thought the same way!
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I find I can be asked the same question by different people and have different reactions. What matters to me is the level of intimacy that person has earned and the conversation surrounding the question. For instance, if someone I barely know asks out of the blue, "So, what stage are you?" I find it irritating. If a close friend who I know truly cares about me, and is not just asking out of curiosity asks, "Do you mind if I ask what stage you are?" I'm not bothered. In both cases the answer will be the same, that we're not generally talking about staging but the cancer had not spread to other organs, but I'm more likely to continue the conversation with my friend.
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Lulu...I like that phrase "the level of intimacy earned.' That's really good. I like it!
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This thread is so amusing - I get such a kick reading about what everybody has to deal with. People can be so thoughtless. Unfortunately the worst behavior to me so far have been family - my in-laws.
An awkward moment happened when my MIL (no breast cancer history) announced to me that she had attended a breast reconstruction seminar at her local community center, given by a retired (ha ha!!) breast surgeon. After she attended and had taken copious notes, she called me (FIL on phone too) and asked me which recon surgery I was planning to have. When I explained that I wasn't having any of the recon surgeries she had learned about, she insisted on the details of the surgery that I would actually have. Feeling awkward and cornered, I briefly described the skin sparing mx that I was scheduled to have the following week. She insisted on more details so I spelled it out for them - skin sparing where I can possibly keep my own nipples mastectomy. Ewww - nobody should have to discuss their nipples with their in-laws (if they don't want to!). The icing on the cake - their newsy Christmas letter went out, and my surgery was spelled out in detail "skin and nipple sparing double mastectomy". WTH!!!!!0 -
>This thread is so amusing - I get such a kick reading about what everybody has to deal with. People can be so thoughtless. Unfortunately the worst behavior to me so far have been family - my in-laws.
>An awkward moment happened when my MIL (no breast cancer history) announced to me that she had attended a breast reconstruction seminar at her local community center, given by a retired (ha ha!!) breast surgeon. After she attended and had taken copious notes, she called me (FIL on phone too) and asked me which recon surgery I was planning to have. When I explained that I wasn't having any of the recon surgeries she had learned about, she insisted on the details of the surgery that I would actually have. Feeling awkward and cornered, I briefly described the skin sparing mx that I was scheduled to have the following week. She insisted on more details so I spelled it out for them - skin sparing where I can possibly keep my own nipples mastectomy. Ewww - nobody should have to discuss their nipples with their in-laws (if they don't want to!). The icing on the cake - their newsy Christmas letter went out, and my surgery was spelled out in detail "skin and nipple sparing double mastectomy". WTH!!!!!
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Joyh, OMG! It is the kind of thing that is so bad it is actually funny. Yikes!
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Maybe I have a different take on things, since this is my second time around. First off, I am the first person in my school to go through breast cancer, not once but twice. Also, as I am walking the journey, I have become a teacher to the 50+ employees in our building. After the BMX/ LD, and when I was well enough to sit up and type, I sent an email to everyone at the school, updating them to my progress and the choice to wait till after the new year to come back to work. I asked them to please not treat me any different than before, I'm the same person, getting a new body. I lived with 10 years after the lumpectomy with one mishapen breast that I was very self conscience of. I will still have to leave early every 3 weeks to go get my Herceptin, but the people I have worked with have been very supportive, more so than anyone was 10 years ago. It might be that they know the real me, might be that I am not cowering from being in an abusive marriage anymore, might be because I am attacking this head on and bringing everyone with me.
I have friends that have taken me to doctor appts and have learned so much about breast cancer from the doctors and specialists. All of them have made appointments to get their mammograms in January(every single one of them has put that off several years). They have seen me at my worst, right after surgery, where I was a turtle on the bed and couldn't get up without help. They have taken me to the PS for fillups and watched my breasts grow to the size I want. They have formed a committee to help select nipples. This second journey has been far more enjoyable than the first, even though it is a rougher ride.
When people say to me now"you look great", I just say thank you, because I do!!!!! I had a teacher that I worked with 3 years see me in the school last week and she said "Look at you with those perky boobs, you carry them well." I did my Vanna White pose and showed them off.
Yes, I have hateful things said to me before, the first time, and that was from my husband mostly. Friends just disappeared. But this time, I am the one to throw out the joke before anyone can say something and it makes it alot easier to deal with. I attack everything with my own attitude toward this and humor. Headstrong and fighting.
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kerr, you said it yourself...you throw out the joke before anyone can say somthing. We all do that too. That's to stop anyone from saying anything first. So you have figured out the avoidance technique.
I'm glad your journey has been so easy. This thread is to mock those that say stupid things. If you didn't have anyone say anything stupid, then hats off to you! But, please do realize, that by throwig the joke out first, you ARE avoiding dumb things being said to you. One day you won't be the first to comment and you may be posting back here with an incident.
The point being, is that I don't think you are looking at this any different than the rest of us here!
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Wow JoyH thats got to be the worst christmas letter ever!
I was talking to my sister a while back. she lives down road. she doesn't call or help me. I was over at her house and she's all worried about getting BC. Had just went to frebig center for mammo etc. said Dr kind of blowed her off. well she lifts up her shirt and shows me her breasts and asks me what I think!! I didn't know what to say. I think she was asking if I thought she had BC? IDK
I hate the comments-you've lost so much weight. and then they say you look great. well yes I've lost weight because I don't feel like cooking, I have no appetite. etc etc.
Or the mostfrequent your so lucky to get new boobs! yeah and I've cried a thousand tears. where the hell have you been.
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HI, I am new here so I hope I am doing this right and I hope you dont mind me joining in. I an a newbie..younger person with bc, diagnosed on the 13th of oct and had two surgeries and two rounds of chemo since. I have the usual stuff; people emailing me telling me not to have chemo or radiotherapy but to try this miracle cure or that one (including shark cartilage lol) but I think the worse thing said to me (or funny depending on your perspective) was by a holistic healer who is also a nurse.
She came up to me in the supermarket, commented on how she would have never recognised me, and what a shame about my hair. Surely I did not get the hat I was wearing from here??? (innunedo being that it was a 'cancer hat').
Why was this bizaar???? I had not even started chemo, had my own hair and was wearing a wooly hat because it was snowing and blooming cold!!!!!
I was stunned and did not really say anything...however will not be quiet next time I see her rofl
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Barbe,
I have had dumb and ignorant things said to me. One our aides came up to me when I was at the school before Christmas break and said " I had a premonition right before you went on your leave that someone in our building was going to get cancer and then you were out with cancer. I love how God tells me things". I said "if God told you that, why didn't you get a name,so I wouldn't be in shock when the core needle biopsy results came back!!!" And I walked away.
And you are right, we are all looking at this the same way, I just choose to focus on the things around me that are good. After all the ugly things my ex said to me going through this in 2001, who should have been supporting me, not saying to me after he cancelled direct deposit "you don't need money, you are going to die anyway" , or using my cancer to get out of going to work so he could sleep all day instead of taking me to chemo. I would lay under the radiation machine crying, alone, and scared. It was my radiologist who called my lawyer and told him that my ex being allowed to stay in the house was not good for my treatments!!!
I love reading all the posts of the ignorant things people say. I'm not saying I'm better or that I don't hear them. I survived that once, this time I just approach it different, to avoid that feeling that my ex gave me. I didn't mean to offend anyone. I'm sorry if I had.0 -
Thanks for clearing that up kerr, it sounded like you were saying we were looking at the comments wrong. The point of this thread is to LAUGH at the comments! Not feel sorry for anyone.
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Actually, Barbe, the ones I feel sorry for are some of the ones making the comments. There are treatments for cancer, but can you imagine trying to deal with all life sends you handicapped by that level of stupidity?
Leah
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The one I love is the "it could be worse comment". Even though I know it's true, it is so insensitive especially since the person(s) saying it has NO idea regarding my pathology, treatment plan, oncotypeDX score, the pain of the biopsies, the fear of the test results, the number of doctors appointments that disrupt your life and typically the lives of those who really care. For the people who really care; it's the worst news imaginable! I know it could be worse and I went from lumpectomy and radiation to another biopsy to another test to uh oh-chemo! Yep, still it could be worse. I get it! I don't like hearing it.
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Angie - I completely agree! I absolutely cannot bear to hear "it could be worse" - anything in life can most likely be worse - It definitely does not help to hear it. I have reached the point where I just want people to say hello to me and move on. A good hug from close friends is nice now and then, but I just do not want anymore questions about treatment. Also, many people will ask personal questions in the most inappropriate places - Why in the world would somone ask where my "cancer is" when I am in the middle of a crowded local coffee shop. How would they feel if they had to announce "breast cancer" in the middle of a crowd? or what if they had to announce cervical, anal or testicular cancer for everyone to hear and be uncomfortable about?
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....addition to my post above....I do not mean to sound like I am ashamed of having bc or that I cannot bear to say the word, "breast"...but many of you probably know how it is....Many people instantly look at my chest when I say "breast cancer" - I just feel it is a private matter and I really do not think that anyone besides close friends and relatives should even venture to ask, "what kind is it" - what does it matter what kind??? It is cancer - in fact, most of the people who ask me are not close friends, or even friends - many are just being nosey! Sorry for the rant - I have not been out of the house today and do not plan to go out. No dumb comments for me today.
'Best wishes for a better year ahead for all of us....
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Oh Leah - I love your post concerning levels of stupidity, Thanks for sharing - I am laughing out loud and it feels great! I recently pm'd a newer board member about this thread and advised her to check it out. I always find so much support here - Thanks to all!
Sher
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These comments put in mind of the predicament of pregnant women. Strangers commenting on when they are due and patting their stomachs! Think about it. Would you go up to a friend who was not pregnant and pat her stomach?
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Oh boy - I just discovered and am going to love this topic!
Here's an excerpt from an email I received from my well-intentioned but otherwise clueless sister-in-law with my wished-for comebacks in ALL CAPS
I do not know how you manage to keep so sane (GEE - THANKS FOR THE VOTE OF CONFIDENCE). I am very upset for you but will not go into that because I do not want to make you more upset (AGAIN, THANK YOU FOR KEEPING THAT TO YOURSELF. I'M THE ONE WHO'S FACING THE BILATERAL MASTECTOMY, NOT YOU). It is strange how you are both almost comforting me (YEAH - THERE'S SOMETHING WRONG WITH THIS PICTURE, ISN'T THERE????).
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Joanquilts- my sister-in-law asked me what my wig looked like! I haven't seen her in 6 years and all she cared about was what kind of wig I chose. When I told her I didn't wear it she was stunned and asked "Why not, couldn't you pick something you liked!" Then she equated my bilat and reconstruction to her augmentation "You'll love them, I get lots of attention". It really took all my self control to not cuss her out about not enjoying having objects tucked into my chest muscles. She was dumb enough to argue that it is the same surgery! Thank god for caller ID , I don't speak to her unless forced to.
HAPPY NEW YEAR to all , may we all laugh our way through whatever life throws our way.
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I remember an ACS event I was at after my first dx and chemo, wearing a do-rag. Wearing the SURVIVOR shirt, so people would ask what kind of cancer? I got tired of it and started answering "boobie" and then for some reason no more questions. Hee-hee!
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Good one, mebmarj!
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