The dumbest things people have said to you/about you
Comments
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Shayne,
I have to agree. While I really enjoy this thread and have offered quite a few examples of dumb stuff people have said, far more of them have been terrific and supportive.
Still, I enjoy keeping track of the dumb stuff. It makes me laugh.0 -
Yes......the dumb stuff.......far more funnier!
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We do get a lot of postive and supportive things said, too. The one I remember most wasn't even something someone said to me, a friend, right after she heard about the diagnosis, came up to me and gave me a hug. No words, just a hug. I knew exactly what she was "saying" to me and it was one of the most supportive encounters I've ever had. Which reminds me, I haven't seen her for a while, time to send her an e-mail or make a telephone call. . . .
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NativeMaine ... that was the best "comment" ever! It says "I love you," "I'm here for you," "I am so sorry," "we'll get through this together!" And so much more.
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Absolutley.. an action speaks a thousand words!!!!
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When they say "did they get it all" I think they are asking if it has spread, but they don't want to say it.
To illustrate how different we all are - that person who gave the hug to Mainer? That would have creeped me out. I'm like Tabitha - I don't hug.
I could post, "Can you believe she hugged me even though I hate it - do you think she was trying to feel my reconstruction?"
LOL.
But, I know huggers mean well and that goes for many of the comments we post about here. Yes, they are indelicate and sometimes inconsiderate but most people really do not mean harm. They just don't know how to show they care and as I posted, it's different for different people.I get really annoyed when people are having a normal conversation about aches and pains or minor surgical procedure or something, and then they say "Oh, I shouldn't be saying that to you, look what you've been through." Well, yes they should have because my Stage IV status and numerous surgeries and chemos have no bearing on what they are going through. I enjoy it when they do talk to me like I'm normal because it doesn't happen as often anymore.
It's funny to post about all these things, even if we all know that people aren't trying to annoy us and we know they don't mean to hurt us. I think it's a good outlet.
Oh and for the record - we had the Supermoon in California too.
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i think i should make a tshirt that says DONT HUG ME! to wear after surgery..... all my friends are huggers.....but thats ok, so am i - just dont want any bear hugs if you know what i mean!
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Shayne
I hear you on the hugging LOL!
I have a new one. I have a friend that lives in the US (I'm in Canada). I haven't talked to her since originally DX in Decmeber and I've called her a couple of times with no return calls. I've had the cursory "how you doin" emails but that's it. I was sitting around last week and thought I would give her a call. No answer so I left her a voicemail. Today I get an email saying thanks for the call but she's been crazy busy and is going out of town on business so she's had no time for anything. Funny part is on Saturday she puts a status update on Facebook about how her weekend was going to consist of nothing more than hanging by the pool with a good book.
Am I upset, no but I do now think she's a complete idiot.
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Funny how cancer weeds people like that out of your life.......
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Whoa! Hold the phone! So, according to tlarnold's "friend"...my boobs will grow back? Even the nipples? FAR OUT! Did she happen to say how long it would take?
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On another note, I do remember a snappy answer from either Ann Landers or Dear Abby: when a stranger or aquaintance asks an entirely inappropriate personal question, an entirely appropriate answer would be:
"If it were any of your business, you'd already know the answer to that."
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love the ann landers quote! gotta remember that as a good come back!
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I write the dumb stuff because we can laugh at it. I know someone is doing their job or trying to be kind and they just don't quite get it.
Sometimes the kind stuff is hard too, but more welcome to say the least! I had someone today say that I didn't need to pay a co pay. I know it was out of kindness and I truly do appreciate it. At the same time it makes me hate cancer all the more because it points out that I am sick and not 'normal'. I would never say that to her because it was done with kindness and love and this is just me being frustrated at cancer and wanting Cancer NOT to be a part of my life or a part of my family's life!
I'm thinking about naming my cancer Frenemy Rhonda. It is here to stay so maybe I'll paint some picture I can throw darts at too
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I remember reading a couple of good responses to questions that were out of line (too personal for the situation for example): "Why do you want to know?" and "Why do you suppose anyone would ask a question like that?" Don't remember where I read those, have used them occasionally.
It's true that people who say/do these things mean well, most of the time. But it is nice to have someplace to share the comments and our feelings about them.
Not everyone appreciates a hug, I should have been more sensitive to that fact.
I have a meeting with the medical director of the ER where a doc referred to me as a "damned cancer patient." this afternoon. Can't wait to hear how he's going to try to gloss this over.
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I too could write a book of dumb things that have been said. I know they mean well and just dont know.what to say. I am sure I have done the same to someone in my lifetime. It does help.to.laugh about it. Usually I can just ignore comments but I have one person at work that can always wreck my day. Not sure why she gets to me but she has a knack of always finding the one thing most scaring me at the moment. Ie. Are you going to loose your hair? Are you going to loose your breasts? She never can just say How are you? I try to be nice when I respond. I did reaally loose it with a scheduler at a surgery center. She was being very rude and whining about how busy they were, I reminded her that I had just been diagnosed with cancer and would gladly trade places. She said Im sorry. I responded with you are sorry, you are a sorry excuse for a person and should not be working with people with cancer. I even told her she should be sure to get a mamogram because she obviously needed to learn compassion and kaarma might just get her.. She said oh I am crying now, I will send you flowers. I told her I didnt want flowers I wanted the stupid appointment I was trying to make. Amazingly she found an appointment just two days away instead of two months. I try not totake my frustrations out on others but sometimes I think its ok for us to tell people when they are being idiots.
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I thought I had done well avoiding the dumb comments up to now - truthfully I had not heard anything remotely as bad (funny) as what I've read here! Today i saw my dad's second wife for the first time in probably almost 15 years. My parents divorced while he was seeing her and they married shortly after. ABout a year later my father's melanoma metastasized and while I couldn't stand the witch, she was my only source of accurate info on how my dad was doing as he tended to gloss things over. We had the typical update conversation today and I mentioned my diagnosis from last fall. Her comment, "So, how's that going?" Uh...fine?
Then she asked if I had heard from my dad's sister. Yes, fairly regularly. She said the sister had messaged her on Facebook on the anniversary of my dad's passing and said that she wished that they were still married. My jaw dropped. I would guess they would rather still be married and my father would rather still be ALIVE! Sheesh.
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We haven't had the bus come through in a while. Toss all the idiots under the bus, folks!
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In such a cases I use some smart saying---dont take anything personaly.
Anybody who say something dumb or ask a silly question(relative or others) it should not hurt because its all about THEM not ME.
If person is silly,or incompetent about cancer procedures, he will certainly tell dumb things to me.
But its HIM not ME.
So I learn how to NOT ABSORBE that and it wanishes away. Smile...compassion ...tolerance ...is the best attitude towards such a people.
Sometimes i see those people just like my little kids--- kids any time can say something silly not because they are mean or nasty but because they are inosent, naive.So we can easely forgive them..the same about others...lets forgive them becaue they dont know what they are talking about.
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I got the "did you loose your breasts?' question the other day. I said, no I knew exactly where they were. She fell for it and asked "where?" I told her "cremated." She looked at me funny and walked away. I wonder if it was something I said?????
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Ha ha ha ha
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ROFL!!!!!! love it Mainer!
Now that my arm is wrapped for lymphedema I am getting all kinds of stares. A waitress today asked me if my husband had done it? He was sitting right there...I told her if he had we would certainly not be having lunch together and I would be the next Lorena Bobbit!
Maggie
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Nativemariner... awesome love it lol!
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I had something stupid said yesterday at work. I started a new job in April, spent 3 weeks at another location training on their computer system, started working two weeks ago at my 'home' office. Since I have been there, I was asked what happened to my hand, I wear a gauntlet for mild LE in my hand. I told the two ladies in the one office it was a complication from breast cancer surgery and they were asking more questions. I was up front with them that I had bi-lat mast and reconstruction. One wanted to know if they saved my nipples, I said no, they didn't want to leave any breast tissue so they recreated them and tattooed the color on, then she said, I would like to see your tattoos. I was flabergasted. I told her that I only showed them to other women who were facing the same type of surgery as a way to help them know what to expect. She was not put out, she was curious, I then directed her to the web site of the woman who did my tattoos so she could see what they looked like. I didn't tell her but I was thinking, I am not a science experiment to be paraded around.
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wow......thats a new one lvtwoqlt..... you handled it with dignity!
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Lvtwoqlt ... wow! There is curiosity and there is just plain rudeness. I might have said "you first!"
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OMG - someone asked to seee your boobs? My mom won't even look at mine! LOL. I can't believe someone had the nerve, and someone you don't know that well. I might show a good friend, but not someone I just started working with. When I'm telling friends how hard my TEs and they look curious, I ask if they want to feel. Its like they're not mine anyway... I've been groped and prodded by a million people over the past 6 months - what's one more!?!
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Geez. A stranger would never have asked you to open your shirt and whip out your breasts before BC (well, depends on what sort of places you went on nights out I guess?).
How did having BC make your breasts now for general public viewing? Bet she's one of those women that just reaches out and rubs a pregnant woman's belly - when she's not been invited to...
Jenn0 -
Thats what it reminds me of .......being pregnant and the sudden onslaught of unsolicited advice and random belly touching!! What is it? Natural curiosity? Or that you are seen as an oddity?? I dont get it! The invasion of personal space and privacy is enough to get me pissed off!
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For the most part comments people make haven't bothered me to much. EXCEPT for this one woman that is so into her own self, it's disgusting. She will ask questions like how are you doing, are you done doing treatment, but in reality she is so deaf and thinkingof herself she is trying to change the conversation to be about her. When she first saw me bald, she proceded to tell me all about her neighbor how she was stage I long ago and now stage IV and how she isnt doing well. To top it off when the neighbor lost her battle, she proceded to tell me three times that day that she had passed. Really I heard you the first time! UGH
I see a lot of comments on here how the person says "well so and so died from BC" I had not had anyone say that to me until just the other day. So I pondered it for awhile, why would someone say that? Are they really that stupid? I asked my DH his take and he feels that the person is just trying to relate. I can almost buy that, as I can't image all these people intentionally want to upset us BUT... WTF!
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Cathy: As a social worker I often expect people around me to be more sensitive and aware of feelings, but sometimes I find that to be quite the opposite. I've been lucky that many of my friends have let me take the lead when sharing information, but a couple of people have been almost eager (??) to share stories of people who have died from BC. It felt really insensitive and their delivery was horrible. I think your DH might be right - people are just trying to relate - but the way in which they go about it is sometimes really unforgiveable. I've had to weed my garden of a couple of "friends" who felt it necessary to share stories or make comments that were more harmful than helpful. Yes, it's true that not everyone makes it through this battle - but why aren't people equally eager to share the stories of those who have and continue to thrive?! Then again, that sometimes comes out as, "Oh, well, you'll be okay, don't worry..." I don't know - maybe it's all in the intention?
I learned recently that a colleague had passed away but I hadn't heard the story; a close friend of mine mentioned that she'd had BC and died rather suddenly but she didn't know if she should share the story with me. I appreciated her sensitivity, and asked her to share. It was a different conversation altogether and I was grateful to hear it (and so sorry for the loss of a wonderful colleague).
In all my many years, my boobs have never caused me as many difficulties has they have these last 7 months. Not even during the '70s and disco...
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So many insensitive people around...my daughter is a licensed social worker and she is very sensitive - I am too and I try not to let it bother me but some people just say the wrong things...I just don't understand why they can't just say nothing rather than put their foot in their mouth!!!
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