The dumbest things people have said to you/about you
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Kittcat ... it does indeed suck! Boy, when you tell someone you have bc it sure takes the wind out of their sails! Good for you!
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I haven't read all of the posts but thought I would bring this crazy comment up. People ask if I know if the chemo and radiation is working? WTF!!! Are they idiots or something. The last person to say this to me is a cell biologist for goodness sake. One would think he's not an idiot being a research scientist and all. I then had to launch into an explanation about how the cancer was cut out, how it hadn't spread to the lymph nodes and that there is no test to detect if there is any floating around in me.
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People do ask the dumbest questions! The craziest are the ones who didn't respond to my emails when I said I had breast cancer! Really???? Wow!
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"Which side is it in?" My left
"Oh so does it affect your heart? Wait, is the heart on that side?" UGHGHGHGHGHGH
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A friend of mine asked me "so are you going to have scars?" Duh, ya think.
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Heeheehee!! That made me literally LOL, mtbookworm.
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kittykat...I had (operative word "had") a friend who lives out of town....hubby's cousin told him about my BC...he never called till I wrote the BC in my holiday cards....then he called....he said, since hubby and I didn't tell him,maybe we didn't want to talk about it or something similar....and dumb me answered all his questions....I was Dx in February....so it was 10 months later!!! Yes, we all know we never thought we would get BC, but you know a hug sometimes is all we need. I have a gf whose husband is a 2 time leukemia survivor and now very sick (was in ICU for 3 1/2 weeks) form H1N1....she asked hubby if one of us could give her DD a ride to catch the bus pack to school and his response was whatever you need just ask.....thats just what friends do for each other....no thank yous needed.....I do it for me.....it makes me feel good.....so these people who don't respond to emails, don't come through when they offer to help are not true friends....
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I know they have their very good reasons, they have to make sure you are the right person and all that. So you're there again, like you been every day the last three weeks, you wait an hour and then it's your turn. they call your name, spin round and recognise you and say Oh Hi hymil How are you today*
(* dumb question number 1) so anyway you go get ready and move to the machine.Check date of birth .yep
Check Address - yep
"And which side are we doing?"
Now listen, I'm standing there with nothing on above my waist but a pretty smile, my scar is 5 inches long in a red square going a quarter way round my body and six inches up and down and there's a distinct flatness on one side that really doesn't match my 40D on the right. so, I know, why don't we do the other side for a change...???
mtbookworm Yes I ike too!
Suepen that made me laugh too, well the rads at least are working, you can't see them but the skin gives the evidence.....Who knows if it will prevent recurrence in you, but it does reduce the risk for a lot of people in large sample groups in scientific controlled conditions, can he do any better and MAKE his cells divide, or does he just watch and hope and wonder in mild surprise when lots of them do? As for chemo, i think you would know if they were giving you saline placebo, you wouldn't be sick for a start...
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One of my friends had mentioned about an acquaitence we have that has advanced BC that she saw her in the mall and had all this makeup on... "like she was trying too hard to hide that she was sick" WHAT??? I couldn't believe something so shallow could come out of her mouth. This poor woman discovered her BC a few months after giving birth to her 2nd daughter. She has 2 small children and has struggled with BC for the past 6-7 years. Some people have no idea. well, I don't speak to this friend much (haven't talked since I was dx last year).
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I wonder if the people we distance ourselves from even notice.
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hymil--I wish my rads center had done all that. I was never called by name, and often called by a name not mine as I was leaving. I know I got the wrong treatments on several occasions, and that's why I got truncal lymphedema, radionecrosis, abscesses, pain and ultimately had to have a mastectomy.
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{{{{{{NativeMaine}}}}}}}
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I too sent emails out, thinking it would be easier. I also sent a link to my profile at BreastCancer.org. That way one can read here if they choose.....ops, left out my screen name just in case those who really looked would want to find me
THEN i found out who really cared....yep, the same one(s)...and they can "follow me" I just made the BEST new friend! She is from BreastCancer.org....someone up there was looking out for me! Great minds discuss ideas, average minds discuss events, small minds discuss people.
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I've only told people that I've met who have BC about this site and recommended it. I don't want other people I know read posts and maybe figure out who I am talking about them...especially my boss!
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Hi Ladies!
catching up on all the stupid things people say! and feeling much empathy to all my bco sisters...I've had just about enough of the "But you look so gooooood" comment! aaarrgghhh!! I've also had the "so did the chemo work?" question....how do you respond to that, anyway? Yeah, it did....unless of course it didn't!!! Whew!!! My MIL actually said to me....."you don't have to get a new breast, you can just do without". I told her (and I don't normally curse) that I've been through a whole helluva lot with this bc and yes I definitely DO need a new breast! I guess I was still a little medicated and I do have this thing about saying what I think here lately!
BCinCO: I also recommend bc.org to other ladies facing bc but NEVER to friends/co-workers! I live in a very small community and feel that it would not be too hard for people to figure out who I am...and believe me, I even work with people who would TRY!
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When I was telling my mom about my prosthetics and how when I wear them even for a few hours that I swell up, she suggested I wear a padded bra! And I thought, "and what am I supposed to be padding???" duh..... even my own momma doesn't get it....sigh.
And then my SIL (BIL's wife) joked about stuffing my bras with kleenex....ha, ha....(note MY sarcasm!!).....argh...
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Mantra: Your post was very eloquent and brought back so many personal memories. I hated telling my family and friends because I knew it would cause them pain. The day I found out and had to tell my DH, DS, Momma, MIL/FIL in person will be forever imprinted in my memory. and then I had to make phone calls to my Sister and Brother, who live in the same state but different counties.....oh, the sadness.
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It took me 8 months to show DH (damn husband) my chest. I commented about that on one of the threads and was encouraged by others to show him... which I did. It has been a couple of weeks and not much said about it. Last night I exposed myself and he asked why they had to cut right across the top, why not underneath where it would have been less visible. I calmly explained why and was very proud of myself for not getting upset at this. Then he said that his eyes are bad anyway and we usually keep the lights dim so it doesn't matter. Oh, and I'll always be prettier than he is no matter what. I told him that is a really low bar. I've been crying for 12 hours and can't stop and I have a big exam tomorrow. So, I'm sobbing here to get it off my chest. He keeps telling me that he didn't marry boobs, that I did the right thing and the most important thing is that I got rid of the bc. The more he says the more I realize he is repulsed. I told him not to speak to me again until after the exam. I can't believe I spent half my life looking for a man who doesn't lie.
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AStorm,
If it were possible to tell if someone were lying by looking at them there would be no scam artists in the world. You can tell about people by their actions not their words. As you describe his words he sounds cavalier, but perhaps he wasn't lying but was trying, poorly, to comfort you. It is for you to decide.
You most likely need a good cry for all you have been through and for all that you have kept to yourself for such a long time. Please be patient with yourself and with you husband.
{{{AStorm}}}
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actually, I believe he does care about me. He is being brutally honest when I just wish he could lie. He knows I am feeling insecure and pretty freaked out about the whole situation - it seems that he could just fake his acceptance of my foobs.
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Gail, he MAY be repulsed, he MAY be horrified, he MAY be scared to touch you "there"...but sweetie, you, yourself were shocked at how you looked. Not to trivialize it one bit, but think of a bad haircut, you DO get used to the look. I still get surprised when I undress (especially in changeroom at a store); my torso is UGLY!!!! I don't like it and I don't have to like it.
If someone told me "hey it's not so bad looking" I'd know they were lying. Two women from work who didn't even realize I didn't have breasts for the last 18 months were curious. I was at the far end of the lunchroom table and, as we were alone, I lifted my top to show them. The younger one (20's) started to cry. It's a sad sight for anyone. Especially someone who loves us.
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AStorm,
You are right. Your husband does know the depth of your feelings---now. Let him process this and I think you will see a tremendous change.
I was so strong after my surgery. I went through my infection with my niece helping me change the dressing twice a day. My husband couldn't even look. I was strong then, too. Finally I stopped being strong and gave in to what I was truly feeling. He was shocked. He processed the information. Now he does understand and shows that he cares in so many little ways.
Take care.
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Astorm-
In one post you say you have spent half your life looking for a man who doesn't lie and then in your next post you say you wish your husband would lie.
There is really nothing right that he can say and I think you know this, because what you both want id this whole BC thing not to have happened at all. It sounds like he spent weeks thinking of what to say. he demonstrated that he really looked and thought about it by asking about why the surgery was done one way instead of another, he acknowledged your feelings, that you, his wife/woman has been/feels mutilated, he said that he can accept your foobs, can you?just to let you know, it took me one year to let my husband touch my breast and I only had a lumpectomy!!!!
oh and great timing! you need to get back to studying.
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Wow, this is so powerful. Astrom, you hang in there girl. Your husband is being honest. I had my last chemo in March 2009. My husband (a trained hospital chaplain) was at a conference last week without me. He had some very dear friends there with him. He told me some things yesterday he has not told me before. He said, with many tears, how incredibly scared he was for me. I stopped breathing twice during chemo. He is having a hard time getting that out of his mind. He told me when he left me @ my last surgery (to have te's exchanged) I had been medicated and had my eyes closed. He said I was pale and he saw me in a coffin. Mind you, I am very well and on the up end of all this.
I say all this because our guys all handle this differently--some are d**ks and some are wonderful and some are in between. My DH loves my foobs--this has not changed anything there. I think some of these things really depend on how long we've been together, etc. Hang in there and I pray you did well on your exam.
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{{{{{{{{{{AStorm}}}}}}}}}}}
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Native Mainer, Gosh, that is awful, I'm sorry you had that expereince. Guess that's why they do the checks then
( i won't complain again.A-Storm, You 've had a rough ride of it too, and DH hasn't had long to get used to it like you have, but seems to me he does love you and is trying really hard. For His Information,(Im thinking you had a Mx like me? if not then this is rubbish) so even if they had cut underneath, there still wouldn't now be an on-top, and probably the scar would still look just the same - like wherever you pop a balloon, it still goes flat all over (wish mine would go properly flat..not so bumpy) Well actually, thinking back to my mum doing her dressmaking,you would have a U-shaped scar with puckering on the ...er.. i think it's the short side, that would be the upper side? anyway it wouldn't be as even as a straight line scar with even fabric above and below, and if it was nearer your bra-line, it would make the scar even more sore and harder to put clothes over. Sigh. Maybe one day they will do like cataracts, make a tiny nick, insert a long powered drinking straw thing, chop it to bits and suck it up through the tube? Till then we get scars. But I hate to think how they would control secondary seedings, doing it that way, i'm very fond of my "good margins" Hope your exam turned out ok.
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Thanks for sharing your perspectives. Somehow I managed to focus on my studies for 11 hours! Studying is my way of distracting myself from reality...
Yes, Jelson, I was being ironic. I have a teen daughter who is just learning that there is some truth to the claim that "men lie" and I've been trying to convince her that not all men are liars. I'm also pondering whether honesty is always the best thing. In my DH's case, I assumed it was just another one of those foot-in-mouth comments that we keep blogging about. There were some very interesting comments posted and I will try to reflect more deeply on his behaviour.
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{{{{{{{AStorm}}}}}}: Try to focus on your studies and finish your semester and know everyone here understands and supports you.
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(((A-Storm))) I hope you and your hubby can find acceptance of this issue. Some people might be horrified by my scars. I'd take scars any day over cancer. And I think it looks pretty good. A little flat still on the top part where I had nipples, but easy to conceal with a good bra.
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(((NM))) I can't believe how much trouble you had at your medical office. I won't complain anymore when they ask me questions at the doctor's office.
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