The dumbest things people have said to you/about you
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(((AStorm))) We all have opinions and I think you are incredibly brave!! You have dared to share some of your most precious moments with us and for that you deserve to be applauded. It takes great strength to open up to a group of people and make yourself vulnerable to comments/opinions!
I do believe this is a safe place for all of us, however it is still hard to share some very intimate secrets and for that I applauded your strength and courage!!
Hugs,
Olivia
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Artemis: Thanks! I'm still proud of it.
. I have a ginormous butt and I went to a family reunion and my hubby's great aunt told me so. Like I do not know this? Screw bitchy old ladies. I'm sure you are absolutely lovely and she was probably jealous of your youth and beauty. Send her a card or something but don't spend more than 99 cents on it. When I had my first go round of cancer in 2001, arimidex wasn't even on the horizon. Now, look what they've got...and I am quite confident that IF we need something else in the arsenal, down the road, there will be even better, less traumatizing treatments for us to use. My oncologist says he foresees the day when cancer will be a "chronic" type of disease. All of us will die of something, with the screenings we have all the time, I'm betting ours will be old age I have asthma too. They have great preventative drugs for it, have you tried Advair? Then no worries. It's very scarey, I know, but the advair really works! I only have to use my puffer one or two times a year now. And this too, is something people used to die of.....rarely do they now.
.Konacat and flying dutchess....I am also sorry for those dumb cards that you endured. Maybe rip them up and send them back, with a note saying "I'm sure you did not intend to send this!"
People continue to amaze me...some are wonderful, some are complete idiots.
love, hugs to all.
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Artemis: Thanks! I'm still proud of it.
. I have a ginormous butt and I went to a family reunion and my hubby's great aunt told me so. Like I do not know this? Screw bitchy old ladies. I'm sure you are absolutely lovely and she was probably jealous of your youth and beauty. Send her a card or something but don't spend more than 99 cents on it. When I had my first go round of cancer in 2001, arimidex wasn't even on the horizon. Now, look what they've got...and I am quite confident that IF we need something else in the arsenal, down the road, there will be even better, less traumatizing treatments for us to use. My oncologist says he foresees the day when cancer will be a "chronic" type of disease. All of us will die of something, with the screenings we have all the time, I'm betting ours will be old age I have asthma too. They have great preventative drugs for it, have you tried Advair? Then no worries. It's very scarey, I know, but the advair really works! I only have to use my puffer one or two times a year now. And this too, is something people used to die of.....rarely do they now.
.Konacat and flying dutchess....I am also sorry for those dumb cards that you endured. Maybe rip them up and send them back, with a note saying "I'm sure you did not intend to send this!"
People continue to amaze me...some are wonderful, some are complete idiots.
love, hugs to all.
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(((((((((((((((((((((((((((AStorm)))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))
The best of men put that foot squarely into the old mouth....it doesn t mean he doesn t love you, it means that men process in a very very different way. He knows how you prize truth. He may have said things that did not come out well, but he was asking "why they did it that way and not another way?" Sounds kind of analytical, maybe? Or maybe he just wanted to know? My husband has said much the same thing. I took it personally, cried for hours, and when he finally got the courage up to ask why it was the wrong thing to say, I told him the truth. That nothing he can say would have been right, but he could have put it differently. So now, he does. And I have not shown him my boobs outside of a pretty lacey bra, for more than a year. When I get a cherry on top, I might. I would let him know, since you do like truth, how much the way he said what he said has hurt you. Perhaps suggest ways to talk about it that are acceptable to you. For me, I just said "just say I'm pretty, period. Don't say anything negative, ever, as I'm very vulnerable"...his answer? "but it's you, and I love you"....loved you pregnant, thin, heavier, older, younger...it's still you"...I suspect your husband feels much the same.
Of course, this hurts like hell...we want our men to be almost blind to what has happened. But to him, he loves YOU. It's the you inside the shell he was talking to. He married you, he knows we will all sag and droop and get scars here and there....stretch marks, etc. Just because one has boob surgery, doesn't mean that if one had perfect boobs without cancer, that they wouldn't sag to the knees and look like crap, either, right?
Life is changes...adapting to those changes....you may have to help your man learn what are acceptable ways to talk to you or to let him know what you would welcome him telling you and what you would not. Only we know what is OK and what isn't.
((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((xoxoxoxo)))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))
p.s. I bought lots of expensive Victorias Secret lingerie that I could leave on, new perfume, got my hair done in a new style, cut and color....I felt alot better dressing up everything else. Celebrate that you made it and that you are a beautiful, healthy woman!! Focus on the good stuff and your hubby will see it that way also. Most of it is guidance for them on how to treat us, as they just don't know.....
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anniealso ~ Thanks so much for your encouragement! *hugs* Yep, I know about Advair. I've been on it nearly 5 years, and it's made a world of difference. Good stuff! I don't worry about dying of asthma (or even cancer, really...much), but DANG!! Still can't believe she said that...grrrr!! LOL @ sending a 99cent card!
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hey Artemis.........
or not.....heh heh heh. Or send one that makes no sense. You might as well laugh about it.
I don't worry about dying of cancer either. A bus could hit me tomorrow.
love
annie
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Anniealso - you are very kind and courageous. Thank you.
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Ok, here's a new one. Today on Dave Ramsey's radio show someone called in asking a question about insurance policies she carried. One was a cancer policy. He asked why she had that one and she said she had a family history of cancer. He actually said ON AIR that there is no evidence of any genetic link to cancer! What a moron! I got so mad I turned off the show and don't plan to listen any more to him!
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Wow, I didn't know that being a financial advisor also makes one an expert on cancer! Way to be, Dave.
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What an idiot!!!
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I just sent an email to the Dave Ramsey site calling on him to learn a bit about BRCA and then apologize to his listeners. Perhaps you who listen to him can report if he does in fact apologize.
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Yeah, he can talk to me and my sister about the BRCA1 gene!
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I have been literally pouring over this thread and reading everything! It is actually astounding. Dumb things are one thing but when they are truely hurtful or hurtful because of how you are feeling that is when it gets horrible. AStorm - I'm so sorry. I have lots of scars all over from previous surgeries but the breast scar surgeries are totally different - they make me feel very vunerable not only because they were my breasts but because it was cancer - actual cancer.
The weekend before getting my diagnosis (and I knew it was bad just from looking at the mammogram one side looked like a tornado) I was extremely worried and he just couldn't understand why I would be. Finally I spelled it out saying I'm scared I have cancer and he looked at me and said well, Marsha had bc and she's fine so why worry? I couldn't speak. What I wanted to say was that is great but my aunt and friend I went to high school with died from it so you don't know who will survive and who won't but no one will ever be the same "fine" as before.
In general "people" say odd things. I have twin sons and one of them has Down Syndrome. I had read about all the hurtful and horrible things people said to the Mom's of these babies so I barely left home that first year with my boys. Not really because of that - as there were many surgeries and I had been in the hospital for almost 2 months.... Anyway, I remember one day in the grocery store with the boys when the check out guy said very loudly - " Are they identical?"(I got that a lot which was odd as one was bigger and had a tiny bit of blond hair and the other had a full head of brown hair and had the typical look of DS) I didn't have a chance to get anything out when all of a sudden he says "Oh of course they aren't" - I am totally holding my breathe waiting for something horrible and he says "One is a boy and one a girl!" Now I'm so stunned I dont' even correct him.Anyway for the most part the only person who has said awful things about my son is one of my "friends" I was really hurt but then realized she just doesn't "get" most things so will have to see how she puts her foot in her mouth about my bc and foobs.I'm sure she will come up with something priceless.
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LOL! I work in the mortgage industry and we help a lot of clients with their credit before they are able to buy a home and give them ideas on what they need to do to qualify for a home. My boss thinks Dave is brilliant and advertises on his show locally. She wanted me to start to listen to make sure her ads were being played on the radio. I just don't know if I can do it any more!
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I've never listened to the guy, but see his billboard on the highway. In UT, due to large family size, there's been quite a bit of research on the gene at Huntsman. One of my friends is the only one of her sibs who doesn't have the gene. These radio guys just spout anything, and unfortunately folks repeat it as gospel.
Stanzie: I hear you. I have lots of other scars, two down one hip over a foot long apiece, but my scars from bc, tho small, somehow are more significant. And I've had so many comments over the years that I've developed a thick skin, but the cancer-related comments are harder to brush off.
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I also have a lot of scars from previous surgeries but I got them when I was a child and I'm so oblivious to them I just assume no one else sees them. He was able to accept the other scars and I guess in time he will be able to accept the new ones. He just seems so genuinely clueless to the fact that I have been traumatized. Sometimes its like he just walked in in the middle of a movie. One of my biggest concerns at the beginning of this was that I didn't want my daughters to be traumatized. Maybe I did too good a job of not worrying him in the process.
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I did the same thing with my family; showed no fear. Even though everyone in the family that has gotten cancer has died from it - about 12 or so, they didn't seem to connect the dots. I was too calm so I didn't get the support I needed which they didn't think I did!
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I haven't anything to add but for ages have been wanting to say I love your avatar AStorm. Is your kitty in a teddy bear costume? Sorry for going off-topic...
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that is so funny konakat, Astorm I thought that was a little kid in a bunny outfit, but yes it does look like maybe a ginger puss. ha ha
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Well today I got laid off...2 weeks notice. When my boss (who I've worked with at this company since 1999 and before that for 4 years at another company) told me, she said she wanted to do it in the fall, but I got dx with BC and she just couldn't do it then! Ok.........so now what do I do? Apply somewhere and say I need of all these dates for dr appts and surgeries and have no vacation/pd time off? It would have been better to have been laid off before I had the last 3 surgeries since I pushed myself so hard to go back to work for her!
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bcincolorado - I am so sorry!!
Olivia
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bcincolorado - that is awful and from someone you have worked for so long! I just don't understand that - how can your boss sleep at night doing something like that and even admiting it to you! I am sorry.
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Oh, no....that's horrible.....I'm so sorry, bcincolorado.....how could she have kept that to herself that whole time???? wow. almost sounds evil....hmmmm
blessings....will be praying for you....robin
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The avatar is my ginger cat in a reindeer hat. He was a reind eer and his littermate was Santa.
bcincolorado - I won't say "things happen for a reason" because WE of all people know that isn't true. This whole week sucked! My DH was laid off about 6 months before my dx. I worked extra hours to help out and stressed about health coverage because we had a sucky (yet expensive) gap policy because I was worried about getting bc when I didn't have good insurance (that was before they made the COBRA changes). Thankfully he got a job quickly and we had good insurance when I was dx'd. My freelance work is very slow these days -- I keep hoping the economy will start to turn around soon.
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I was layed off the DAY BEFORE MY SURGERY. Man...that was a glow to the self confidence I will tell you . But that was a year ago and I am SO over it! lol ---Hope you all have a good weekend... OH -to stick to the topic...here is justice at it's finest. I went to visit my Aunt a couple months after surgery and radiation and her new husband answered the door and said "OH--- it's the cancer lady" --WTH???!!!!... Anyway... he found out HE has cancer 3 months later... I'm just sayin... Tami
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Thanks everyone for the kind words. I did get lead on a job after my post last night but not sure if it is full-time and I already know the boss is a loony-toon. Since I bring in over 1/2 income in the house since my DH is disabled and can't work, we can't afford for me to be without pay. Thank the Lord I did not go on insurance at work and still have an individual health policy on my own!
Idaho: What goes around, comes around, doesn't it! I don't wish cancer on anyone, but come on! What a thing to say!
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{{{{{{{{{{bc}}}}}}}}}}
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bcincolorado. Just to let you know I care. Hope the job situation works out OK>
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I love this thread. It often makes me smile, sometimes cry a little, always makes me love my BC sisters!
Here's my dumb remark pet peeve from a professional....
When I go to pick up my prescription for Arimidex the pharmacist picks up the bag from across his space and starts toward me. With a booming voice, because all us retired people in this little town are half deaf, he shouts, "Are you aware how much this costs?" That causes everyone behind me in line to turn up their hearing aid so they can hear him say "Did you know it is $388.00?" This ALWAYS causes some other customer to ask what in the world costs so much or don't I have insurance. I end up having to explain to a PERFECT STRANGER what an AI is and why my insurance does not cover it. Wouldn't you think the pharmacist or the clerk or even the janitor would be able to tell I am REFILLING the RX so yes, I have paid for it before and the price is indelibly imprinted in my brain and my check book!
I am sure by now everyone in town knows how much Arimidex costs.
Thanks for letting me vent.
pam
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PJ12345-
it sounds like you have a good sense of humor and your pharmacist sounds like an idiot. If this continues to rankle, I'd inform him that he violated HIPAA by breaching your confidentiality and depending on his reaction, I'd report him to your state board of pharmacy. Boy Arimedex is expensive! see, if your pharmacist hadn't shouted it out, I never would have known. I googled arimidex help with payment and found this site which might ultimately lead to some assistance:http://www.arimidex.com/paying-for-treatment.aspx Also apparently it is available on-line!! even if it isn't cheaper, you wouldn't have to subject yourself to your pharmacist, of course then it might be the mailman shouting to your neighbors about your monthly packages......Julie E0
