The dumbest things people have said to you/about you
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daisylego
I am sorry for your dx and for the hurt thoughtless people have caused you.
Rae
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daisy--I'm so sorry you were treated so insensitively by someone supposedly trained to work with bc survivors. What I wish I was there with you to say to her:
"Oh? Stage 4 is early? My doctors all said it was advanced. How do YOU suggest I get treated now?"
"How does family history affect the choice of lymphedema supplies?"
"Yes, it's really nice that I don't need radiation due to the spread of the cancer to other parts of my body, thanks for pointing that out."
"I was told this boutique was staffed with specially trained people, may I speak with one of them?"
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daisylego - I am sorry for your dx. Why on earth would people then say such hurtful things especially to someone so young. I can only imagine how overwhelmed you are right now. Glad you found this site - wonderful love and support here. Hope you have lots of friends and family around you.
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(((Daisylego))) I'm so sorry you were treated that way. Wouldn't things be so much better if people would actully THINK before opening their big fat flopping mouths?!
NativeMariner gave you several good comebacks, but I have to say this one is really cracking me up:
>>"I was told this boutique was staffed with specially trained people, may I speak with one of them?">> Hahaha!!
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Have you noticed that when you say "breast cancer" people sometimes look you in the chest? At the pharmacy counter this morning I saw a friend and she asked about my reconstruction. When the employee who got my perscription came back to the counter I got the look. Maybe I'm a little self-conscious because I'm asymmetrical right now, but gahhhhhh! I'd like to go back to being an invisible middle-aged woman thank you very much.
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NativeMainer: I love your comebacks! The last is my favorite too
I was in a pretty bad mood when I commented last night, but I'm feeling better today, especially after reading all your comments. Thank you to everyone who gave sympathy about my diagnosis. I'm going to have a pre-chemo night out with m boyfriend tonight and we are going to think about BC as little as possible!0 -
Daisy, we are always here to support you. Have a fun night out with your boyfriend. You deserve it!!!
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A Storm I just had to laugh when I saw what you wrote about people looking at your chest. It happens everytime with women. With men I get the "Oh my gosh she had her boobs removed and I want to look so bad, but I can't!' My best friends husband has been looking everywhere but at me when he talks to me since my surgery....I can tell he is sooo nervous.I am asymmetrical too, but only for 3 more weeks!!! Whoo Hoo!! I can't wait!
Best of luck to you!
Susan
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daisylego - hugs to you! I have to love AStorm's response too!
Hope you have a great night out!
Olivia
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People really stared at my chest when I had the tissue expander aka turtle shells in! They were up to my collar bone!!!!
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I am new here and to Breast cancer, but when I saw this topic I had to reply!
Last weekend It was my neice's 1st Communion, and the family gathered after wards, My SIL walked up to me at said" Well they say the good die young" I was so shocked, first I thought, are you calling me bad? Second "Who says I am going to die"
When I told my other SIL she so wanted to slap my her.
Some people just dont have a filter between their brain and their mouth, but then again I should see where it was comming from, she was the one that said it was my fault because :
1. I went into premature labour with my son and
2. said it was my fault because he was born with a cleft lip,
and the whole time saying it with a smile and acting like it was ok to say these things, like it isnt worng.
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Here are some of my favorites:
Well at least you got the right kind of cancer....(it didnt feel like the right kind at the time)
You couldnt have had cancer, you have your hair (it grew back DUH)
Thats a fat peoples cancer, you wouldnt have gotten it if you werent so fat ( Wanted 5 minues alone with this idiot)
I bet that was fun....(oh sure the chemo, sickness, pain, surgery, complications, and thermo nuclear burns were a real hoot).
Try the Holy Tea. It will clear out your colon and your breast cancer will be gone. (Hmm, right, a good case of the Hershey squirts, theres our cure)
Thats just a sample.
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Sometimes i think when people know you have cancer and they don't say a word to you can be more hurtfull then someone comes right out and says something dumb ,they totally avoid the topic completely, just like my niece she has spoken to me twice on the phone and not ever a" hi aunty Jo i heard about the cancer how are you " and she has seen me once 3 mnths after chemo so my hair has just started to grow back and still absolutely no comment, really i want to bitch slap her , i hope she marries Tony .
JOJO
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daisylego--I am so sorry that you are going through this terrible disease. I am also sorry to hear how insensitive the boutique woman was to you! I like the suggestions from the ladies here. I would add one more recommendation. I would contact the owner of the boutique and tell that person what the woman said to you. I think the owner should know that she lost a customer due to the sales person. It is just outrageous to think that this woman is allowed to work there!
jennypoo--I am sorry that you have been dx with breast cancer, too. This is such a horrible disease. I hope you and daisylego find some comfort in the woman who posts on the bc discussion boards. I have found it very helpful.
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There's a lady at my Mom's church who is SO negative. She has said some really cynical things like "I can't believe preachers get paid so much for only working a few hours a week." (Right, they do nothing but lead services three times a week, which they apparently don't have to prepare for.) She's said cynical things about other people, too. Mom tries to be nice to her; at least she's coming to church and maybe some day she'll absorb some of it. At the weekly ladies' fellowship meeting (snacks and devotion, followed by lots of chit-chat), Mom shared her excitement that my tumor has shrunk by 60% and I'm only halfway through my chemo. This woman said, "She probably never had it to start with. They just diagnose you so they can charge you lots of money to cure something you never had." Mom just stared at her and didn't know what to say. How about, "She found the lump herself and it was growing fast, she could feel it, and now she can feel that it's smaller."?
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Sometimes I think people are trying to be 'well intended', but just know how to say the 'wrong' words. When I first found out I had Breast Cancer, one of my co-workers (most have been absolutely fabulous and supportive) told me, in detail, the horrible surgery, tx and painful death of her step-mother who died from the disease.....wow, I was really comforted by her words.
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Riley702 maybe the church lady's (and I use the term loosely) brain has shrunk more than your tumor! There is one thing I can say about having BC you sure learn both how many idiots there are in the world and how many nice supportive people there are. Hopefully, the good ones will outnumber the bad.
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OMG, this thread is priceless. Here I am, catching up on the latest case of foot-in-mouth disease in someone's friend or relative, and somebody (joanneasiata, that was you) comes along and says, "...really i want to bitch slap her, i hope she marries Tony."
Where else on the planet Earth would that phrase make any sense? And, what else would cause me to have to wipe that spray of Arizona sweet tea off my laptop screen? I hate that people do these things to us, but I'm lovin' how we're dealing with it.
otter
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Well I am going to admit that I opened my mouth and inserted my foot in it up to my knee with a stupid/dumb remark. Last month, our local group had a new member attend she had just moved here from New Orleans, she is getting pre-surgery chemo to shrink the tumor and she had a lovely hair cut (wig). She commented that it was the way that she used to wear her hair and people who haven't seen her in a while don't know that he had lost her hair. Last week she came into the wig bank after yoga for the Futures Unlimited meeting. I was standing there talking to her about the different support groups and she might want to attend the Arm-n-arm meeting on Monday. She said I was there last month. It was then I recognized her, she had a scarf on her head and didn't have her glasses on. I opened my big mouth and said ' I didn't recognize you without your hair.' She laughed it off but boy was I embarrassed.Sheila0
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Otter: What a hoot. Your comment and the image of your tea spray about had me doing it, too!
JoJo: I've gotten the silence from folks some co-workers. I much prefer honest questions to having the topic totally ignored.
"The good die young" remark reminds me of a comment my SIL made at my wedding, when I tried to explain why my mother couldn't be there (she was caring for my sister, who was dying): "Well, life is for the living!" What do these cliches mean exactly?
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lv- that's really funny!!! She probably thought it was funny too!
Riley - You might have the best stupid comment of the week! That church lady needs to pray that she never makes a DUMB remark like that again!!!
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Oops, I made a really bad slip today. It wasn't about bc, but I really stuck my foot in my mouth.
I ran into DH's old room mate, whom we have not kept in touch with because he married someone who is difficult to be around. So he mentioned that they split up and I said "yes, I heard about that." I could swear DH told me that they split up awhile back. Well, it JUST happened, like days ago and there is no way we could have known... I just intuited it. I predicted it many years ago so I just assumed it happened. He was surprised and asked me how we could possibly know this since he hasn't really talked to anyone we would know... my response?... "hey! did you hear I had breast cancer?" and I don't even know if he looked at my chest.
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Astorm - love the change of subject! Perfect!!!!
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Nice to find there is useful way to bring up the bc subject, will have to remember that....
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NativeMainer, it's another great line, well done. Have you thought of maybe giving classes in verbal self defence, or maybe writing a book of these great combacks? I can never ever think how to reply! I'm sure there's enough material on this thread for a book.
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janny99 - When I was first diagnosed I also had people tell me about their friends/relatives who had either died an awful death or were had horrible tx for bc. I was so new to all of this and was dumbfounded by their discussions with me. I wanted to hear the good stories, not the sad!
One really good friend gave me a newspaper article to read written by a bc survivor. It was about her journey. It was horrible because she almost died from her reactions to her treatments, not bc. I was just starting my treatments and the article terrified me. I took the article and ripped it to tiny shreds. Then I stayed away from my friend for a long time!
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NM, I need you in my back pocket for this coming weekend's event. I'm having my nipples put on Tuesday. This has been planned for a long time. Little did I know that on Friday, we will be in Louisiana with my husband's family at a ceremony @ Barksdale Air Force base where the base general will present the family with a WWII POW Medal for my late father in law. It is very meaninful for me to be there. He died when he was 53 years old and he loved me dearly.
My MIL will be there and does not think I need this surgery. She's voiced it to my husband several times. Now, to make matters more complicated/funny, I asked my PS what the dressings would be like for my nipples. He said they will look like ping pong balls on the top of my breasts. I shopped this weekend for VERY large tops to go over this and something I could wear to the ceremony and not look like a complete freak. Also, I hope I don't set off someone's suspicion going through security at the air port. This should be real interesting. The last time I was with this side of the family was right after my bmx.
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Mary, what kinds of things does your MIL say to you? Also, mention to your PS the ceremony and find out if there is something less obvious that can be used for a dressing for just a few hours. Let me see, what kinds of comments could you use--
"It's so nice to have someone around who knows more about what I need than I do."
"I didn't know you did reasearch on breast cancer treatment and reconstruction. What journal did you publish your research results in? "
"If I'd had more notice about this ceremony I would have scheduled my breast cancer diagnosis for another time."
"I'm sure (insert FIL's name) would not agree."
"I didn't realize you had been diagnosed with breast cancer. What kind did you have? What treatment did you take?"
"I really appreciate how supportive you are."
(comeback removed by NM due to high possiblity it would offend or be hurtful to some of my bc sisters. My apologies to any who were offended, hurt, upset, or bothered by this comeback.)
"Thank you for sharing your opinion."
"That is such a thoughtful thing to say."
If you don't care about creating a family feud you could say "I should care about YOUR opinion, why?" or "Yes, I know that's what you think, fortunately it's what I think that matters."
Then there's the old standby of "Today is about (FIL's name), that's what I'm focused on right now." If you're feeling really snarky you can add "You should be focused on (FIL's name) today, too. I wonder why you aren't?"
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Hymil, you have a great idea. I don't have the energy, but one of us should write a "What Not to Say" leaflet that oncologists can hand out to their patients upon diagnosis so they can give to friends and relatives. Maybe there should be a section on the right things to say and do too.
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Nm - you Are good!
Mary, surely he can figure out something that doesn't resemble ping pong balls! Did he really say that ? LOL - When I first read that my brain immediately went to those seals with little red balls perched on their noses,,,, Sorry I guess I'm really tired from the weekend slumber parties and homework projects that were left to the last minute.
When my PS talked about nipples he said i would only have a waterproof bandage on for 4 days then I'd just use a band aid with a hole cut in the center. I know all this varies wildly. I'm thinking more I'll have to have revision surgery before I can think about nipples which I had hoped to do in June.
Good Luck with the surgery and hope she doesn't spoil such an important weekend.
I just can't imagine anyone especially family challenging you on your decisions on this - especially since it IS cancer! And reconstruction is so important for emotional healing. You would hope she would be happy you are now at the end stages and are doing cosmetic things and you can even get excited and happy about this surgery which after what we all do through says a lot.
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