The dumbest things people have said to you/about you
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Good one Day......I wish I could go back and say that to her. You know when someone shocks you with a statement like that you just want to get away. But that would have been great!!
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Susiered -- How about this as a response if it ever happens again? Just start crying and tearfully say "How could you say that to me?" or words to that effect. Perhaps that sort of tearful response might keep them from ever saying it to anyone again...... after all, it WAS hurtful
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lindasa she almost got that reply. By the time I found my Mom I was boohooing! Lol!! It was hurtful, but to give her the benefit of the doubt, that is probably what she has been told. Unless you walk in our shoes you have no idea!! I am sure I have said something stupid to someone dealing with a illness too. I just hope it wasn't that bad. People just need to stop and think before they speak.
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MHP70 -- yes, bc has a way of clearing out the room, which is definately a good thing. Character is defined at the margins -- when there is a major event in your life you see how people around you react and it changes your relationships forever. It can also eliminate unneccessary people from your life. There is man my DH considers a friend but he and his wife always get drunk and say inappropriate things. He knows the husband in a different capacity where he is normal but since I see them only socially I have only experiened the drunk, obnoxious couple. They have hurt my fellings in the past and we had a constant debate about whether or not to include them in social events. With my dx I really didn't want to be around these people but DH thought it would be okay since he didn't tell anyone i had bc anyway. I told him that if they hurt my feelings right now, about anything, I would let them have it. So we tried to avoid them, but low and behold someone else told them about my dx and they conveniently disappeared!0
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A Storm sounds like they took the cowerdly way out which ended up being best for you. The last thing you or any woman needs when they are dealing with a cancer diagnosis is to be hurt in some way. I guess they showed your husband what kind of friends they really are huh?
Hugs to you,
Susan
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Susiered - I just wonder if we need to avoid talking about our diagnosis with strangers/acquaintances who zero in when they see the scarf or the newly flat chest. Maybe I am reading too many zombie/vampire books (only funny ones actually) but it as if some people actually gain sustenance from other people's sickness/tragedy/struggle, they appear so hungry for details. And since their focus is feeding their need for drama and not us as individuals, they are not thinking about the impact on us of what they might say. If you are upset about the lymph nodes (not a death sentence), then don't talk to other than your intimate circle of supportive people about them. And is that NYC from the WTC in the background of your photo?
Julie E
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Jelson you are probably right, but she seemed a nice enough lady. She asked me if it was in my lymph nodes I said yes. She said what she said I walked away. You try to be nice to people because I know they are curious when they see a young woman with no hair and a scarf. I am just glad my hair is back, so no more questions. No that is Chicago and I believe it was the John Hancock building. LOVED that city!!
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NativeMaine: I'm glad to know mine isn't the only mom who treats them like they are 5! Mine still tells me when I need to wear a coat too--and she lives downstairs from us! OY!
One line from the Living Well Beyond Breast Cancer book is that when someone says something moronic to you that you should just imagine the words rolling on the floor into a trash can! Good idea!
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When my mother was diagnosed with cancer in 1970, she had been playing a weekly card game with the same women for over 10 years. After the game, the hostess would always serve coffee and dessert. It was my mother's weekly outing and she loved it.
One night, at the end of the evening, just before everyone was ready to leave, my mother asked everyone to stay seated because she had an announcement. She explained that she was diagnosed with cancer and was at an advanced stage. The first person to speak stood up and said "I'm sorry but I can't play cards with you anymore." She said there was no proof that cancer wasn't contagious and she didn't want to risk being in the same room as my mother. The other women in the group were very supportive of my mother during her two year battle.
Perhaps some sensitivity training would have been in order.
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Mantra, My grandmother had bc in the 60's with radical mastectomy and rads which burnt her up. I remember as a young teenager telling my friends who also believed it was contagious. Well, in a way I guess it was--my mom got it, I got it and now my niece "has" it.
Had the final surgery yesterday. The "ping pong balls" are mostly flattened and I can wear a bra over it to the ceremony on Friday.
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Perhaps a variation on this may be helpful.
I don't get along with my sister (never have), she lives an extremely chaotic life, and my sister has stage IV cancer (not breast, and is slow growing.)
I found a birthday card for her that has a picture of 2 girls hugging, one smiling, one wincing.
Inside it says: "Birthday greetings from the sister who let you live to see this day." (I added, 'and fight cancer'.) Yes, I was brave enough to send it.
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My mom died of colon cancer in 1960. When she had it our whole family was avoided by neighbors who thought it was contagious. The Ryan White story of the young boy with AIDS who was not allowed in one school district brought those memories back. Thank goodness education had spared us from this kind of stigma. When my mom had cancer her friends she'd had for so long that my brother and I called them "aunt" wouldn't even call on the phone as though the "cancer cooties" could infect through the phone. Now I play mah jongg 2 times a week, am in 2 book clubs, go to religious services and club meetings and people are friendly and welcome me. Thank goodness times have changed and this is one burden we don't have to face.
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Susiered- I do the same thing sometimes sharing things and then get stung by it. I'm sorry.
Mary - Sounds great - you will be able to hide your last surgery so hopefully you will avoid all ugly comments and they day can be what it is meant to me about.
Leaf - Wow. I have a very hard time with my sister as well and somehow she always makes me out to be the villian when she says such horrible things to me and gets away with it. I know I'm not that brave to send something like that but I certainly think about things like that all the time.
I don't think I said anything horrible but last night my boyfriend and I went to get some take out food and while waitng we sat at the bar. A man a few years older was sitting next to me and we started to chat. He mentioned he had gone to the University right aorund the corner and I asked what he studies and it was medicine. I asked what type and he said the the bad kind. I really had no idea what that meant and asked and he got quiet and didn't answer. So my boyfriend and I talked a bit and then the man asked something about what we were talking about and I just kept quiet. Then all of a sudden he said he had just gotten back into town from his Mom's funeral - she had died of lung cancer. Then he says he couldn't answer me right away cause he is an oncologist and he feels like he let her and all his siblings down. Oh, I just felt horrible! He went on to talk a bit and I listened and sympathized with him and told him I'm sure he did everything he could. But, why oh why didn't it possibly occur to me he might be an oncologist! You would think that might be higher on my radar screen..... In my tiny defence I guess I dont' see oncologists as a bad field cause well if there wern't any then what we would do?
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My father-in-law can be an opinionated, insensitive SoB at times. A couple of years ago, one of the local news anchors on TV was diagnosed with a very aggressive BC at the age of 37. My FiL saw the news story and said "She got cancer because she didn't take care of herself." I was furious even then, so you can imagine how I felt remembering that comment when I was diagnosed two years later. He told his daughter, my SiL, that chemo is just a way for insurance companies to make money!
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Ahhhh.... there's so much I'd like to say, but there's too great a risk of disclosure if I tell y'all what things really bothered me these past 2+ years.
Re: people who shun us because they think BC is contagious. I think those folks are too far gone for sensitivity training or continuing education. To quote Ron White (irreverent Blue Collar comedian): You can't fix stupid.
I had a horrible haircut last week. (I know, I promised during chemo that I would never again complain about the quality of a haircut.) I finished chemo (TC) in June '08, so I should be back to my chin-length bob by now; but I've decided to wear a shorter hairstyle 'cause it's easier to care for. Only, I never intended it to be this short!
My hairdresser was out of control. I don't know what she was thinking, but she went waaaaay overboard when I told her I wanted her to "trim the back" (where it was crawling down the nape of my neck and curling against my collar). As a result, I have a super-short, pixie cut. I swear, my hair was longer than this 6 months after chemo.
Well, there I was at the Customer Service counter at WalMart yesterday, to exchange a windshield wiper for the correct size. The clerk turned to me and cheerily said, "I'll be with you in a minute, Sir!".
<sigh>
I pretty much ignored the remark, since it took me totally by surprise. (I knew my hair was short; but I didn't realize it looked that short!). When she came back to wait on me, I said, "My husband bought this last week but it's the wrong size; so I'd like to exchange it."
I figured I'd just let her sort things out.
otter
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Otter, I know just how you feel about getting a haircut that is 'toooo short'. I normally keep my hair short anyway but she absolutly went too short. She had used the clippers on the back, which she had done before but this time she used the wrong guard and I ended up with a mans cut in the back. My husband was livid when he got home that weekend. Since then she is not using the clippers on my hair. About hair, my husband asked me once after getting my hair cut, did you get it frosted too? All my frosting is natural and I smacked him, until a friend who I trust also asked later that weekend if I got it frosted (not prompted by my hubby either) and the frosting looked good.
Sheila
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My BS said there was a 10-11% chance that they wouldn't get clear margins. Not as good as the 1.84% chance of getting bc that the calculator at breastcancerprevention.org gave me pre-dx but still hopeful... but I did get bc and I didn't have clear margins. I was relieved when my OncotypeDX score can back low (I hope it is more relevant and accurate given the cost) but I can't help wondering what difference a number makes -- you either get it or you don't; it recurs or it doesn't. Since we seem to be the "lucky" ones scoring in the top percentile, I wonder if there is a statistic on how many survivors win the lottery.
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I don't know about the lottery but your question made me remember this guy
http://uk.news.yahoo.com/5/20100511/tod-cancer-victim-loses-10k-bet-on-survi-870a197.html
he had mesothelioma, a special type of lung Ca, with very poor prognosis, he had a bet going on his survival, they paid out twice and he just missed three times. Some people thought it was wierd but I thought it was a great idea, especially if you can't get life insurance,,,
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Stanzie - Oh how could you not intuit that the man sitting next to you at the bar while you waited for your take out food was an oncologist in mourning???? what is the matter with you??
what a fascinating insight into what it must be like to be an oncologist, how powerful, yet powerless. I think it is wonderful that you gave him the opportunity to share his feelings - anonymously. What a burden he was carrying - feeling he failed his mother and his siblings. And it doesn't sound like you made it awkward for him when he said he practiced the bad kind of medicine - ie the kind where patients often die. He would probably have been mortified if he realized you were a cancer patient yourself. It isn't just us, how desperate our doctors must feel inside when we don't respond to treatments, or treatments stop working.
thanks for sharing the story Stanzie - I think you did that Oncologist a kindness, with your kindness and understanding words, you made it easier for him to return to his patients and kick cancer's butt.
Jelson
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Otter...I'm sorry, don't be mad at me but I had to chuckle about the wal-mart remark. Bless your heart!! I bet you were ready to go kick your hairdressers butt by then. I'm so sorry!
Stanza I don't think you said anything terribly bad. It did remind me of what our oncs have to go through. I was sitting at my oncs office right before Christmas getting my herceptin talking to this young lady I had met there. She was 32 and had been battleing bc since she was 26. She was such a sweet girl. Well after Christmas I came in for my blood check and I waited, and waited, and waited back in the exam room and my dr never came in. Finally he came in and I could tell he was very shaken and looked to me like he had been crying. He apologized for making me wait and went on to tell me he had just lost a patient. He told no names, but later a nurse told me it was that young woman I had been talking too. She said My dr. was devastated because he could not save her and she had 3 small kids. Just wanted to share that. Maybe we all should go in and give our oncs a big hug!! I am sure it is tough for them at times.
Susan
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I'm not sure if this really constititutes a stupid comment, but I just got off the phone with my mother, who told me all about a program she saw on TV that showed how many pathogens there are naturally on a dog or cat and how easily said pathogens can get into open wounds and cause infections. Mom wants me to promise I'll send the dog away until all the incisions are totally healled, all the drains are out and those incisions headed, and for "a few weeks" after that "to be sure you don't get an infection." I got the "should have waited until after you were recovered before getting a new dog" lecture. Now, I know my mother doesn't like dogs. She doesn't really agree with having pets of any kind, they make too much mess and interfere with her life too much. But now she's convinced that I'm "going to get into trouble" because I have a dog. She never thinks about how depressed I was getting without a dog in the house, or how much I hated coming home to an empty house or how having a dog gives me a reason to get out of bed on days when I don't have to go to work. I did my usual "Yes, mom" response, but she's going with me to a pre-op appointment in Boston tomorrow and I know I'm going to hear about this all day long. . . .
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NM: Cat scratches, yes, but dogs? Nah. My pup has been a great motivator to get up thru all this, and my older Golden a great cuddler. And I kiss them regularly. We all swap germs, dogs, DH, and I. Sorry your mom doesn't get it. Hope the appt goes well, even if the drive doesn't.
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Hi NativeMainer,
The first thought that popped into my head when I read about your Mum and your dog was "Don't worry Mum, I never let him touch my chest, I only let him lick my face,"
Take Care,
Sandy (Mum to four kids, two with two legs, and two with four legs."
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Thanks for your thoughts about the oncologist meeting at the bar. I did feel awful for him and made me really like him to think how much this obviously hit him but it made me think he was someone who really cares about his patients and how hard his job is. I still think it is so interesting he said it was the "bad kind of medicine" - just seems to say so much....
NM - A few days before my surgery my PS's office called up to give me pre surgery and post surgery instructions and one was about not having pets (cats or dogs) anywhere near you and healing incisions. Of course I have a cat and dog. She was telling me that all my sheets needed to be freshly washed for when I came home from the hospital and everything. I said I think I have a problem. I went on to tell her about my little long haired dachsund who is 14 years old and who has never spent a night not only on my bed but on the pillow above my head. She is my first child and I can't begin to say how much I adore her and need her. The nurse paused and said OK don't tell the doctor and just make sure your incisions are covered with something when you are close to her. So of course my beautiful bebe was right with me as soon as I was home from the hospital with no problems at all! So his office actually did have a protocol about that - but heaven's don't tell your Mom! Just that you know of someone whose little dog slept right with her immediately out of the hospital.
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NM. tell your mom that I have 2 dogs and 2 cats and I have recovered quite well in spite of being a total neurotic germ phobe.
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A very close friend of mine has been living in a dream land for probably most of her life. I used to accept it, but I can no longer relate to her. My DH told her husband that I had cancer again. This was about a week ago. I haven't called her because every time we talk she goes on and on about herself and nothing. Plus, I'm having a hard time keeping up with people in general. Anyway, I have not heard from her and I was her maid of honor in her wedding!!! She really does live in La La Land!!!
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When I was recovering from surgeries and going through chemo, we had a dog and four cats. They all slept with DH and me. My DH took over litterbox duties, but other than that, it was business as usual for me and our furbabies. Having them with me, snuggling with me and all, made being sick so much easier.
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I also took advantage of the "litterbox duties exemption" but other than that the dog and cat snuggled with me and slept with dh and me all the way through surgeries and chemo. The two of them even slept with me many nights in the recliner after all my surgeries. And I recovered just fine.
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I did not. I have a cat that sleeps with me and no one warned me about the higher risk for infection that pet owners have. I developed a massive infection in my breast and was in the hospital for 4 days. I had to have the surgical area cleaned twice a day and it delayed my radiation treatment by 10 weeks.
As nearly as we can tell, the infection entered through the small incision for the drain. If I had it to do over, I would sleep without my cat until the drains were removed and the incision healed. I recommend that those of you with pets and unhealed incisions think about this seriously.
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Native Mainer: Yes Mom, acually I had been so worried about who would look after my poor pup while i'm in hospital and Its SO kind of you to offer. I promise I will bring him round to your house first thing in the morning, I know he loves you really....
Stanzie, Suziered, You have great doctors there. We need more like that, and maybe we need to give them more positive feedback and encouragement. It must be tough when all the family think you can do miracles.
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