The dumbest things people have said to you/about you
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Mary - Native Mariner has some great one liners for you! I could use NM when I'm at my inlaw's house. Although, my MIL has become a lot kinder to me after my 2nd diagnosis.
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II edited my last post to remove one of the comebacks that was in poor taste and too judgemental. I apologize to any readers of that posting that were insulted, hurt, or otherwise negatively impacted by that comeback, such was not my intention. I apologize to the entire board for my lack of sensitivity and plain old good sense.
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I didn't see an edit??? You couldn't offend anyone when you're giving snappy replies....
Seriously though, you really should start a thread of "What to say back to the idiots" or something. Then the moderators can pin it at the top of the entire forum! We need those responses in our arsenal, but usually think of them later. Need to practice.....
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Stupidest things said to me or done to me were:
When diagnosed my boss felt he could tell everyone, we're only a 2-person office but he told others we deal with over the phone.
My boss's brother-in-law asked me one day when visiting our office "How's the "C" doing?"
Continual "You look great" and "You're so strong!, or you really look good!
A neighbor drives by slowly and stares when I'm outside.
My hairdresser asked a couple times if my insurance pays for my reconstruction. Also, I went in a for a essentual, needed revision - the same hairdresser asked if my insurance pays for it. She also makes remarks about how much my gray hair is growing in (hers is stringy and thin). I believe this same hairdresser feels she can talk behind my back, so I get the stares whenever I come in. I try to rise above it all, but it's hard.
Others have asked about my insurance paying for reconstruction/revisions (surgery is also needed for fat nercosis, scar tissue etc.).
Also, I knew someone that had it and they died (thanks, I feel so much better).
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I hear you about how people just HAVE to look at your chest when you say the magic words "Breast Cancer." It got to the point where it's become a game with dh and me - we now rate people on speed and subtlety of The Look using the standard 1-10 scale. What else can you do but laugh?
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NM, you did not offend me at all and if I'm reading this right, those were directed to me when I have to deal with dear MIL. Actually, I sat here early this morning at work, read them and laughed until I had tears in my eyes. This site is so precious because it allows us to say what we really wish we could say. The therapeutic value of the laughter is so great. I'm sure my blood pressure went down this morning and I know i felt better.
The PS does know I'm going on this trip, but I'll ask tomorrow, again, about what the dressings. I KNOW I will get the stares when I go on this trip from family. My dh and I just laugh it off, too. I was the one who wanted these big hooters. Now I have to deal with it.
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Mary: "I'm having my nipples put on Tuesday"... Now there's a line you don't get to use often....
Sorry but I am trying to visualise these pingpong balls. I'm not unsympathetic, really i'm not... but my wicked mind wants to add tassles.. or little smiley faces... Okay i said i'm sorry, right?
I guess they must be something like the round-and-over nipple shields they give you when you are struggling to breastfeed, so there's pressure around, but not actually on, the sore bit?. If they are like that, then it should be possible to put something soft and extra (im thinking paper-tissues but can do better than that!) outside them but inside your bra to sort out the visible effect?
One last thought.. this woman is your MIL, she's your DH's mother then,... doesn't she want the best for her boy? Could she be Jealous of those new hooters?
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There is a thread called "What we WISH people would say" in the Depression etc. forum. It's not very active but could be if others with good ideas start posting!
I agree that people (most) are concerned and care but just don't know how to express it! If we all gently discuss this with those who do honestly care, we can make a difference one by one!
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I am a nurse--believe it or not, some of the comments and free-advice I receive from my fellow nurse co-workers have taken me by surprise! This morning I was greeted with "so what are you going to do with your eyebrows? Maybe you can shape them some?" My internal voice started coming up with answers like, umm if I HAD eyebrows. I am simply grateful to be alive another day and the brows are a bit low on the priority list. My other favorite is 'you know, your hair is just going to look bad for a while.' I think my chemo hair ROCKS!
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It's a bit weird that your MIL is so concerned about your nipples Mary. If you and your DH have any time alone with your MIL maybe wear a tight fitting tank top with your ping pong bandages poking out in all their glory.
BTW -- chemo's been the best thing for my hair. Used to be thin and stringy -- now it has va-voom!
Definitely compile a list of your comebacks NM -- they're priceless!!
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Mary, I was responding to your situation. I got a PM from another who pointed out that others who read this thread could find that comeback hurtful or offensive. Since my object was to create funny comebacks I didn't want to have one on the list that had a high possibility of having the opposite effect.
konakat--I'll have to add writing a booklet of "Things BC survivors WANT to say back to you" to my during Stage I recovery list of things to do!
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I'm on my way to the library to pick up "Breast Cancer Husband" since NM's isn't published yet. My DH could use a script... better late than never.
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I suppose I'm really surprised someone would find any of NM's responses hurtful or offensive. Before making that assumption, I would hope one would read the posts prior to understand what this thread is about. Day was brilliant in starting it because we are just out there everyday trying to figure this out and we have such a wonderful outlet to express our amazement at what comes out of other's mouths. NM are our queen of comebacks. Don't stop. You did get it completly right. My FIL loved me dearly before he died and she couldn't stand it.0
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I have been gone for a few days (son's graduation from college) so just now catching up. My mom went along on the trip (she lives with us) and we stopped to visit my in-laws who are seriously disabled and cannot travel on the way. When the in-laws asked how I was doing, my mom just piped right up and told them I am "super-woman" and I am perfectly "fine"! Of course I wouldn't have said anything to them about how I really feel, but I didn't even get a chance to say anything! I'm so glad I'm "super" and "fine".....that's why I spent the past 2 days in bed when we got back!
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Well, I think that the ones who think that the comebacks are hurtful or offensive, should think first on how hurtful and offensive were the things said to us. When I get told something that shows the other person has no respect or kindness for me, I don't worry anymore on having any respect or kindness for them either, and I WILL come back with whatever I find the most hurtful and offensive I can come up with (youprobably figured out by now that I can be really bad in comebacks and I DO get them on the spot).
So, if anyone found any of my comebacks hurtful or offensive, I'll only say "Yep. That is exactly how it was intended to be. Don't tell me you expect me to feel sorry or apologize."
One a lighter note, Mary, can't you get a bra that is a couple cups larger and put it on top of the dressings and stuff around the pin-pong balls? Sure, you'll look like a playboy girl but better than showing the ping-pong balls, besides, think at your MIL's face when she'll think that THAT is the recon you had.
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Mary -- I had sponges on my nips and they had to be kept moist - for over a week! I insisted on wearing a bra, so PS advised cutting the nips out and I wore loose, bulky sweaters (it was January). I don't think you want to put any pressure on the dressing.0
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Great idea, AStorm! Get a bigger bra size, cut the ping-pong area out at the top so no pressure would be on it, and stuff around with whatever (like pillow stuffing or something).
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You guys are great. My PS has never wanted me to wear a bra. I went out this weekend and bought very large tops and I have a shawl that was my mom's that I plan to put over myself. The visual of all this just makes me smile. I do have some lace VS stretch type bras. I think I may use the suggestion of cutting out the nip area and use that.
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Recently my cousin said to me you look fantastic!!!!! Better than ever AND she went on to say that I got the breast cancer for a reason!!!!!!!!!! Are you kidding???????? I responded For WHAT reason did I get cancer????? I am a law abiding church going person. My children and husband didn't deserve to have to watch me go through this ...lose my hair.. and suffer. ... I then went on to say NEVER tell a woman who is undergoing Kemo that she looks better than ever!!
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Glad I found this thread--just posted one about basically the same thing: What to do when people say stupid stuff. It's only been about 3 weeks since diagnosis for me, and I'm knee deep in everything from "it's treatable" to "stay strong and positive" (actually, folks, the fact that I'm young and have very aggressive cancer makes it a whole lot more serious than your 65 year old friend who just bounced back). If I have to hear one more time that my positive nature will heal me...my comeback to one friend was, if positive energy were so healing, I wouldn't have gotten this in the first place. I tend to be extremely generous and kind to friends, family, and even strangers.
There is a serious side to this. It really shows you who your real friends are. An old friend from college I haven't been in touch with much has resurfaced in a way that has been amazing. And others I'd expect more from...not so much. I'm not sure most people are concerned, I think most people, in fact, just want to live their lives, and not have it sullied by sick people. I sometimes wonder why it's my job to be a sounding board for everyone's awkward and callous comments. I'm the one with cancer!
My husband and parents don't make the canned comments. What I realize is, if someone loves you so much, they are going through it, too.
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http://community.breastcancer.org/forum/108/topic/752721?page=1#post_1841039
Here is an excellent thread on the Stage 1 and 2 Board about silly comments. Very thoughtful initial post and suggested responses......an especially great response to the many variations on I know someone who has/had bc.
Julie E
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MHP70--yes, people are trying to show concern when they say the things they do, and most of the time we realize they mean well and let it go. But after a while it just gets sooooo annoying or upsetting that we have to let it out somewhere, and imagine the kinds of things we could say. I would almost NEVER have enough courage to actually say one of the the comebacks that spring into my mind, so I come here and 'say' them where others can sympathize and enjoy.
Day--I agree with you! The humor comes from the imagined reaction the comment creates in the person making the stupid statement. I removed the comeback because it could be hurtful or offensive to some of my bc sisters, not just the speaker of a stupid comment. And since a whole list of comebacks popped into my head, taking out one was no big deal.
bcincolorado--irritating to have someone speak for you isn't it? My mother tells every one of her freinds every little detail of my diagnosis, treatment, complications and now the reconstruction. These are people I barely know and certainly wouldn't give any details! Every time I run into one of them I get an inquisition about all the details, wherever we are, no matter who else is around. When I give general answers or change the subject I get a lecture from my mother later about not being so rude and being more respectful of my elders. I swear, Mom sees me as 5 years old again! Oh, well.
D-ann--the "for a reason" line absolutely drives me crazy! I actually asked my Pastor and his wife (both freinds of mine as well as church leaders) to stop saying that to me. When anyone else says that I usually change the subject. If it's someone that persists with the subject my line is "And what reason would that be?" The person either changes the subject or goes on at some length about their opinion of my shortcoming and character flaws. At that point it usually gets amusing as the person sounds like they are decribing themself!
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I used to be one of those people who offered trite comments in serious situations. Of course it was never intentionally boorish. I didn't realize how these remarks came across to the person on the other end of the conversation! When my young daughter lost her husband two years ago, I had my first taste of the truly ridiculous and hurtful things that people say and do when a tragedy strikes. Now that I have BC, I am on the receiving end of those same type of comments. I found an interesting blog somewhere about WMP (Well-Meaning People). The author was very funny and it was nice to laugh and relate to the situations. Onward to recovery!
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D-Ann - I am dumbstruck that people actually try to explain to you the reason you got cancer. I guess a response could be "considering your judgemental personality and lack of empathy - I wonder when you will be diagnosed".
oooh mybad
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Jelson--I've thought variations on the same line many times when faced with the "reason" comment!
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Ah, yes, the "for a reason" from church leaders and others. My (former) assistant pastor told me the story of a preacher in Texas with brain cancer who feels it is a blessing yada yada. The "reason," in my opinion, is that there is biology that sometimes goes crazy. Can trials bring us a depth of faith, lead us to re-set our priorities, value our loved ones, do good deeds? Sure. But you would have a hard time convincing me my aggressive cancer cells are reasonable.
Patriotgirl: I am sorry about you and your daughter's loss. I'm sure you had plenty of "in a better place" at that time. My in-laws are still commenting on the fact that their dd hasn't "gotten over" the death of her husband (not even a year ago). My mom's phrase is "you don't get over it, you get through it." And the getting through is day by day.
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Where did my post go? I had a reply saying that I WANT my comebacks to be at least as hurtful and mean as the stupid things said. And I see it was deleted?
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Nats Fan love it! I plan on using that one myself! I am going to a party soon where I anticipate (based on prior bone-headed behavior) to get the "look" along with some stupid comments. Thanks to you ladies and especially NM, I will, for once be armed with some good retorts.
Hows this one: When I was going thru the expansion process an annoying person- who is one of those people who absolutely LOVES spreading bad news; (you know the type) was extremely curious about the whole recon process. (I foolishly gave some details once in a weak moment due to consumption of heavy duty painkillers) so anyway ever since then she kept fishing for more info. One day DH and I came home from a fill appt to msg on machine which said " I was just wondering if you got your "shots" today to which DH quipped "I guess she thinks you're a dog" Boy did we get a good laugh out of that one!
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I have been really sensitive about having positive lymph nodes. As a matter of fact I just created a thread about it. Anyway this may be why I am so sensitive. After I started chemo and had lost my hair I was talking to a lady at the mall. My Mother was trying on clothes and this lady came and sat down next to me and started asking all sorts of questions about my cancer. I didn't mind until she asked me if it had reached my lymph nodes. I said yes I had 2 positive nodes. She put her hand on my knee and said "I am so sorry, I know that means you will eventually die with it in your lymph nodes, and you are such a young woman!" I was floored and very shaken by what she said. I just got up and walked away.
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susiered, I would have looked her up and down and said "too bad you won't live enough to see my death".
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