The dumbest things people have said to you/about you
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Thank you
I know I sometimes get it wrong... laughter really is good for us. I did have to write a few painful letters after my dad died (mum wasn't up to it) and all the replies i had were most sympathetic. Kind of helps to keep it in perspective. And while i'm here, i'm sorry i can't always spell; some of it is typos, some of it is the uk influence. Call it a learning situation!I do have a Dumb Comment to add: nearly added it last night but I was in such a rant mood it was better left to cool off. I have an ansaphone, and there is one family member who keeps ringing and leaving this message "Hello, Is there anyone there at all, have you all died?" I cannnot for my life think of a constructive answer to that, seeing as she doesn't know i have had BC and how seriously tactless such a stoopid question therefore is. What she actually means is, You never come to see me! (which isn't true) or Why do you never return my calls? (I do). In all my time with BC, the longest break from visiting her (which involves a three-plus hour drive each way) has been three weeks, and she does have other family too. That's my rant, I feel much better now thanks.
I tell you, if I do die before her, i am gonna make a special effort to come and haunt her every single day!
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Hymil, I love the haunting idea. My mom, who died of BC, told us if we ever put artifical flowers on her grave, she would come back to haunt. us. I NEVER have, just fresh flowers.
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Last Sunday at church the sign up sheet for meals for me after surgery was set up--our usual practice. After church one of the older ladies was chatting with me, and when she found out I was having surgery in Boston she proceeded to tell me about her brother who was sent to Boston for heart surgery, that got messed up and had to be redone, and how it not only didn't fix his heart problem but "ruined" his leg, too and ever since then he's been "all but a cripple." So there I was, standing in front of this really rather nice, recently widowed, and probably slightly demented little old lady who is telling me all about how her brother's surgery got messed up in Boston--turns out it was 20 years ago! I had to work hard not to laugh when I realized where her mind was at that moment. All I could think of was to ask her if she thought there'd been any advancement in medical care in Boston in the last couple decades, but all I did was ask if she was going to go to the church 4th of July picnic, which changed the subject and let me get away without totally embarassing myself!
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Oh, NM, that made me chuckle out loud. I especially like the "all but a cripple part."
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MissSophie: Drop dead! HA!!!! That is so funny!
You ladies crack me up! I always get a good laugh reading how stupid people can be.
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'hymil' - Do not apologize; your spelling is quite correct. Somehow along the way American English dropped 'u' and changed 's' to 'z' and other such nonsense. So don't change a thing.
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Having been born in the UK but lived in the US for 25+ years I sometimes forget how to spell things!!!! er or re or or our - my brain gets confused as to where I am. (If I was really clever like NM I would have concocted a post full of "incorrect" spellings.)
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hymil - I enjoy many authors who set their fiction in the UK and am therefore am always marveling at the different words, spelling and usage. Although I have yet to finish it, I intend to some day get through Bill Bryson's Made in America - which shows how American English developed. I copied this out from wikipedia; "Bryson has written two popular works on the history of the English language — Mother Tongue and Made in America — and, more recently, an update of his guide to usage, Bryson's Dictionary of Troublesome Words (published in its first edition as The Penguin Dictionary of Troublesome Words in 1983)."
ansaphone!! I love it!
Nativemainer - you showed admirable restraint in dealing with the church lady, that would have been a great comeback "All I could think of was to ask her if she thought there'd been any advancement in medical care in Boston in the last couple decades" but she then might have realized how inappropriate what she was saying - and that would have been cruel, and you chose to be kind. thank you for sharing your rapier wit with us, we can take it!
Julie E
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Do any of you find that as you vent here you get more tolerant of stupid remarks. I had my hair done last weekend and when the cosmetologist asked how I'd been (had gone elsewhere for the past year) I informed her that I'd had BC this year. She proceeded to tell me of 2 relatives of hers that had died of BC. In the past before being on this forum I would have been in tears. My total reaction was thinking "another stupid remark" and I said to her "well I am not planning on doing the same".
Kat
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A work friend came in my office yesterday and said, "oh, are you losing your hair?" I lost it back in Feb and it's coming back now. Have I been wearing scarves all these months just as a fashion statement? I could only laugh.
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Mantra,
Maybe it wasn't as bad as you thought. If it made the people there think just a little bit more deeply about the fact that not everyone is cured, it might just have made a difference in the motivation levels of the attendees and the reason they were all there.
I was the poster girl for survival for 13 yrs after my mastectomy at my local cancer support group. I kept going because I felt that those newly dxed needed to know that you can survive this disease. When I was dxed with mets 18 months ago, I immediately withdrew because I felt that I would put a downer on the group, even though I needed the group support badly at that time. The lady who ran the group wouldn't hear of my non-attendance because, as she said, they weren't much of a support group if they excluded those whose cancer returned.
Just my opinion,
Sheila.
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Mantra,
I don't think people who are stage four are inappropriate for mentioning it. Think really deeply about what it is that you are saying. I am sorry if it spoilt the day of the people there, but it probably spoilt her day a whole lot more.
It is about time people stopped thinking that breast cancer was all pretty, pink and "rah, rah, rah". It's not. It maims, it scars and unfortunately sometimes it kills people. Real people. People with feelings.
You know I have read stage 4 ladies write that they felt unwelcome at support groups because the other women didn't like to hear about the uncurable. I thought they were wrong and being overly sensitive. I thought noone would behave that way. Now that I have read your post I know that they do and quite frankly I am disgusted.
Your post would have to be one of the worst things I have read in a very long time and it makes me really angry.
Sandy
Edited to add: My understanding of "Race for the CURE" was that it was to raise funds for research to find a CURE for breast cancer. I thought this was the point of the event, not for early stagers to celebrate and be motivated and then walk off into the sunset.
By the way, I am early stage but as someone with invasive cancer I know too well it can come back and kill, this is why we need a cure. I did not miss the point and I stand by my original comments.
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hymil, gilly--don't worry about such inconsequentials as the odd different or additional letter in a word--we still understand you and that's all that matters! Besides, I like l seeing something a little different and enjoy figuring out what a new turn of phrase or word usage means from the context. And I do that with regional Americal lingo, not just UK or AU differences!
jelson--that lady is a long time member of the church whose is sweet, kind and caring but whose mind has slipped half a bubble off plumb in her advanced stage of youth. A few years ago she would never have said what she did, and I know, in her mind, she was back 20 years ago and talking about her beloved brother. I wouldn't hurt her feelings for the world, knowing that she would be mortified to think she had offended or hurt anyone. We at church all help take care of her since she has no nearby family. I just had to let out that thought somewhere, and I knew it would get a chuckle here. Thank God for you ladies!
flyingduchess--yes, I do find it easier to tolerate the stupid comments knowing I can come here. Some days I even spend my drive time thinking up comebacks to comments I've gotten earlier in the day. I go from angry/hurt/worried/confused to amused and sometimes even laughing out loud. Turning it into a game really helps.
Mantra--oh, my, that must have been a difficult way to start a run. LIke you said, inappropriate place and time, although I can understand her need to say something about the mets. On the other hand, it may help some non-cancer diagnosed people get a taste of what we live with every day. I'm a nursing instructor, and when I taught the unit on cancer the usual question about stats came up. I discussed the difference between relative and absolute statistics, and then talked about how the stats apply to someone with a cancer diagnosis, where everything is either 100% or 0%, you either get mets or you don't, you get a recurrence or you don't. That kind of info, and instances where a 5 year survivor announces being diagnosed with mets the day before gives non-diagnosed people valuable insight. Still, it was not fun or supportive of the survivors there to run and celebrate to hear the speaker say that, especially that way. What a difficult situation!
retreivermom--assuming she knew you had bc, you could have said "No, the 'I'm in breast cancer treatment' look is very in right now. You know, 'chemo hair loss' would look really cute on you!" Or, "No, I just ran out of reasons to buy new scarves."
sheila--I applaud your withdrawing from the support group when you were diagnosed with mets. I also agree with your facilitator that it wouldn't be much of a support group if they excluded those with mets. I can also see where your continued involvement with the group would be an example of the fact that there is life after mets, as well as life after initial diagnosis. I hope you either continued with the group or found another source of support--that must be a time when support is badly needed.
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Native I love the comment about half a bubble off plumb!!!! Too funny hehehehehehhehehehe
To those in Europe how do you pronounce WHINGE? It is a word that has shown up in books and means whine but why the G?
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NativeMainer, I still attend the support group meetings but I try to keep my keel even, if you know what I mean. The first meeting I attended after my mets dx, I worried that I would fall apart when it was my turn to update my current status. Somehow, I managed to keep the tears inside but I have discussed most of my worries with the group, which is very understanding and caring.
Barbe, we use 'whinge' here as well as whine. Sad to say, I didn't realise other English speaking countries don't use both. The only explanation I can think of when I use both in context is that a whine is the tone of a complaint vocally, and a whinge is the complaint itself. We call those who continually complain about anything and everything, 'Whingers,' which rhymes with ginger, but not with finger.
Don't worry if that doesn't make sense, I think I just flamdoozled myself, too.
Sheila.
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I had an interesting conversation with a radiologist's office after a MRI last minth. The bill said that I had an MRI of both breasts. I called them and said that I only had one breast. The woman, who evidently is very crabby, said, :"What do you mean you only have one breast? Of course you have more than one breast!" I then told her to pull up my record. I heard a tiny gasp, a mumbled apology, and we went from there.
May be she needs a visual?
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Interesting word, whinge! I first heard it when living in the U.K. several years ago and, whether someone told me this or else I just put 2 and 2 together (!), a whinge is the sound of a gate with rusty hinges opening and closing -- a sound you DO NOT want to hear!!! (whether from gates or from humans)
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aussiesheila - maybe you're gobsmacked now!!!
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What a predicament re. the Run for the Cure speech. I think it was appropriate since that woman really could use a cure! But to leave it as a last sentence, just hanging out in the wind wasn't a smooth move. Maybe wrap up with let's run for a cure, for prevention, and for helping those living with BC. And a few more rah-rah statements.
Sometimes being Stage IV makes you feel like BC's dirty little secret -- noone wants to get the pretty little pink ribbons dirty. Some, including me, feel the runs aren't for us, they're for the people who've survived, not those who are dying and could really use a cure, like yesterday.
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Oh Elizabeth - the runs are most definitely for all stages, and most especially Stage IV. I agree, the speaker could have said she told everyone about her mets because she wanted to emphasize how important bc research is to her -- after all, the Run for the Cure proceeds provide research grants. Many run in memory of their loved ones, and many run because their loved ones are living with bc, and many run who have already been diagnosed. Statistics are only statistics -- we who are early stage realize we have little protection against possible mets, regardless of what the stats and our little daily pills might indicate.
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There is an organization here called Beit Natan which has all kinds of support groups and programs for women dealing with cancer. They have a seperate support group for ladies with mets. The reason is that the ladies in that group have different fears and different needs than those in other groups. However, all other programming is for all stages.
Leah
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You know, I got to thinking about that lady's speech at the run....she probably had written it weeks before the actual day of the run. She had known well in advance of the Run that she was to speak. It was probably a well, thought out speech......and then, the day before, she had the wind knocked out of her.
She probably didn't have time to rewrite or rework her speech. It probably took every bit of courage to get up and speak at all. Granted, it made it hard for everyone else making the walk/run, but cancer is hard on everyone, period. It is not pretty. It is not cute.
She had probably had one of the worst days of her life the day before. Bless her heart.
I'm not taking anyone's side here, so pls. no one get upset with anybody....I'm just trying to see both sides of the issue....
I just really feel for her.....and her family....and for everyone that was there that day.
blessings....robin
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How about, Chemo, really, you will lose your hair!
Two sisters with implants constantly saying "I understand what your talking about"
"You know you didn't have to do that, they have alternatives now"
"It is hard for me to make love to you, all I can see are you after surgery when I took care of you"
I have tried being nice and understanding and a Christian, but wow, after two years of this and one more (final) surgery for nipples, lipo to fill in one and tuck here and there to make my girls look like normal real ones, I have just about had it!!!
I used to get hurt, now I am angry at the selfishness of people and the carelessness of their words.
I am so blessed to be here, can't they see that, can't they see that it is ME in here?
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I have sparse, salt and pepper hair coming in. I'm tired of wearing coverings and went to work without one today. A gal who has barely spoken to me throughout all this says, "How come you don't have cowlicks? If it were me, I'd have cowlicks." I was hurting so much from my rads burns that I just smiled, said this hair will probably fall out, too, and continued down the hallway.
Blessed: There all alternatives? Please, ask them what they are and how they know so much more than your docs.
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oh blessed,
We all understand because we are here and have gone through it. Some people think they will never go through adveristy. I was very hurt by some of the insensitive comments my fiends said and when I tried to call them on it I was "Cranky cancer patient" it just wasn't worth it anymore, but through all of this I have discovered to pick my new friends wisely because I am worth it!!! We all are!!! This thread is about finding the humor in it but MY GOD,that's NOT easy when stupid, thoughtless, insensitve comments keep happening!!!!
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I have a couple. My husband, about 3 days after my diagnosis when I was very irritable due to the stress, said 'Why don't you try to cheer up a bit?'. To his credit he immediately said, 'oh that was a stupid thing to say', but he will never live that down :-) Then my mother told me that my father was telling the relatives that I have 'a mild form of cancer'. Yeah right, so long as it doesn't kill me :-) I guess when you're nearly 80 and live 6000 miles away it's ok if you want to believe your only child has 'a mild form of cancer'.
Julia
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Just got the courage to go hatless as my hair is starting to grow back... DH pulled into a carwash and the man came to the window to collect the money, glanced up and said, "So what are you boys up to today?"
He took a second look, tried to back peddle and my DH tried to help by saying, "She has breast cancer" which of course embarrassed the man and me because immediately his eyes go to my breasts (one real, one fake)...
But my 5-year old grandson made up for it that night when he looked me in the face and and said, "Gramma, you're pretty!"
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You are pretty! I like the photo.
My DH will spontaneously say, "I really like your hair," and I can tell he's being genuine. It's not much, it's radically different from before, but it's all good.
My office has a window to the public, and I'm above a walkway. I occasionally see people coming through doing a double-take, but, hey, I'm glad to be able to come to work, and my supervisors are appreciative of that fact, too. Stare all you want.
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One thing I enjoyed when first going wigless (having worn a wig that looked like my previous hair) was how often people just plain didn't recognize me. It gave me the choice, depending on who it was, to speak up or carry on.
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