The dumbest things people have said to you/about you
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The dumbest thing that someone said to me, was from my sister in law. Two days after I had come home from the hospital after having a masectomy and thirteen lymph nodes removed, she came over to visit. The first thing she said to me was do you have all your paper work in order and a will. Her father is a retired surgeon and she said that he told her that because it had hit so many lymph nodes that it was to far gone. I spent the rest of the day crying. Then when I seen her again a few months later she asked me if it had hit the brain yet. Oh and she would give me some of her boobs, but because I was always small that noone will notice one gone.
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Can I smack her for you?
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I think smacking her is too easy. But as Blue Comedy tour says, "you just can't fix stupid."
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This is the first time I have been on any chat rooms for breast cancer. I thought that it would make me more depressed. But I have really enjoyed it. It felt really good being able to talk to people that understand the feelings I have. Thank you all
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Mooooo! "Hi there, I took your advice, I updated my will and took you out. I never liked you anyhow" >Smack<0
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Sorry MyBoysx3 that was a poor way to welcome you!! I type so slow your post wasn't there when i started! It's a great to place to vent and also to learn some good comebacks - i never learnt verbal sparring as a kid but i'm catching up fast
There's good support here too for the days you feel down and we all get them at various stages. Welcome.0 -
Awesome comeback, hymil!
Yep, you can't fix stupid.
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myboyz -- ask your SIL what go to HER brain!
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I love this thread. Until bc happened to me, I can only imagine how I had no clue of what was happening to others who were going through it. Now, honestly, I am a little glad that I know so that I am be very compassionate and know how to be there for others.
But, it also feels really good to compare notes with others about things that people have said because it hurts like hell when it happens, and is mostly shocking in an already shocking situation.
So the day after the mastectomy, one of my Aunts calls me up and says, "God, that took long enough." You see, I had had 3 lumpectomies before the mastectomy and they kept finding more cancer. It was the worst, darkest, scary time of my life bar none. When she said this, I was so shocked I had no idea what to say. It was as though the air left my body so no words remained. And, to top it off, she had not been supportive in the least bit through it all.
Then, through the 3 lumpectomies, my family, who all live in another state, seems to have a preponderance of would-be medical professional and they began arguing about what they thought I should do and how I was doing it all wrong. So, I would get phone calls like this: "So, I talked with your sister, and she thinks that you should just do X or Y." or "When are you going to get such and such thing done? We are all wondering how long before that happens so we can schedule things to come out there."
And, as someone else wrote on her: "Oh, Ok, let me just operate on myself. And, obviously, I have super duper xray goggles that can tell exactly where the margins of the cancer are and I will just go in there and do it myself. I will let you know. It should just take a minute. I'll be right back."
And, the last one, we all hear, but it makes it no less hurtful is, "Be strong girl. You can win this battle." And I kept thinking, "Battle. Really? More like a chopping of very private parts. More like me feeling utterly helpless. But, I suppose, I could take up boxing one day. Won't do any good though with this. It is just acceptance."
And, it is true, I know, it is that cancer scares the crap out of everyone. Even mentioning the word to coworkers or at a party or anything is like brining a pall of doom and unknowing into everyone's mind. It is a hurtful disease.
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That I was told I should watch my diet or otherwise the cancer would come back, and had I ever wondered if I had perhaps developed cancer in the first place because my diet was no good (I love cooking and baking) because "it's common knowledge that bad eating habits cause cancer".
No, I had never wondered.
But a dear friend of mine had and she fell into the hands of a bunch of macrobiotics hook, line and sinker and paid for it with her life.
Her husband told her story, which you can read here:
Her cancer was perfectly treatable, with a very good prognosis. I still can't accept it, even after all these years. The Kushi Institute is still there, I used to pass it by on my way to work and it still makes me sick to my stomach thinking of what the arrogant, self-righteous ignorance of these people did to my friend.
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Beatis--there was a study done that showed that eating a high fruit/veggie diet--that 'everyone knows' will prevent recurrence did not decrease the rate of recurrence of breast cancer. The study was done by the National Cancer Institute:
http://www.cancer.gov/clinicaltrials/results/WHEL0907
My standard answer to the "watch what you eat" comment is "Well, the National Cancer Institute study disproved that. The report was published in JAMA in 2007. Your info source must be old."
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Well I know it is hard on oher people finding out how to comment on things or what to ask whn they mostly are concerned but a lot of times they are worried for themselves too since it didn't hpapen to them. If you were mostly healthy before the dx, it makes it harder on them accept and they all want to find "an answer" so they can avoid whatever gave it to you to start off with.
I personally don't care what caused it, I just don't want it again, ever!
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I completely agree with bcincolorado. I think a lot of times, these hurtful, stupid comments are made by people who are afraid of getting your disease, and have to think of a reason why you got it and not them. They are talking out of fear. If they know why you are different than them, then they can 'know' they are safe, because they don't have your risk factors. It would be a lot harder to deal with a world where bad things happened to people on a random basis (though of course we know better....
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"It's not fair, is it?" Fair? I really don't think "fair" figures into this. Someone else should get this and not me? Who?
Cat08: Mine is one of those families where folks talk to each other about what one member should do. They are too afraid to say it to me, but I hear it through my mother---what one of my nieces thinks, for instance, about wig-wearing, skin treatment and so forth. But this niece is also the (childless) expert in child rearing, so I can slough it off.
I have an elderly aunt who said, "at least they didn't have to do more radical surgery." Huh?
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retrievermom,
I got that from my Mom, not at all intended to be stupid or insensitive, when she heard the diagnosis. My grandmother (her mother) was diagnosed with colon cancer at the age of 48. She had colon resection (I think that is how it is called) and had to live with a colostomy bag for the rest of her life. She lived 32 years NED after that and died of causes unrelated to cancer.
So yes, I think that having to go through a more radical surgery like the one for colon cancer, and havign to live with a colostomy bag for the rest of your life, would be harder than to live with foobs.
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I think this aunt was rating BC treatments: lumpectomy, mastectomy, double mastectomy. To her, keeping one's breasts is of high importance. I think staying alive ranks higher
Yes, there are many difficult things people face, and I count my blessings. My PCP's nurse just had both her colon and rectum removed due to pre-cancer. And my sister went through daily chemo and 4 brain surgeries. I think of many of you gals and the multiple surgeries you have had---and you've got tons of grit and sass, to boot. Sorry if my comments came off wrong.
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They didn't come off wrong. Just that sometimes, due to increased "emotional sensitivity" ( I don't know how to call it otherwise) some things people tell us DO have a reason, and the people do not really intend to be hurtful, they just come across wrong. I know when I heard my Mom saying that, I yelled"WHAT?!?" - she had the patience to explain to me. Apparently this was the scare of her entire life, now she got older, she is not that scared for herself anymore, but for me and my sister. When I told her first, only the "C" word registered (we were talking in Romanian, so that is the first word) and then she processed the rest. Personally I would never think my mother would ever say something with the intent to hurt me - she was always exceptionally "mothering", one time when I was very very ill she lost almost 30 lbs in one week due to the worry, and I don't know if she slept 3 hours total during that week, she was with me in ICU all the time. The fact that she is 8,000 miles away and can't come is killing her.
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Somehow I missed the story about the lady who spoke at the bc run. I was diagnosed with bc for a 2nd time the day before our race here in Las Vegas. It was kind of surreal being at the race not knowing what stage I was at because they didn't get clear margins. I met another survivor on the walk and told her my story. She was a 21 year survivor. It was comforting to talk to her and to have a bunch of friends walk with me, knowing what I was going through. We walked for survivors like me and my sister and family members who passed away from bc.
I had a ridiculous comment this week from this girl at work. I like most people, but I really don't care for her. She had got some stomach flu (I personally think it was probably a hangover). She had to go on and on about the gory details of her stomach flu. Then, asked me about my cancer (someone spilled the beans to her). I told her it was a "long story" and she responds, "OH, you'll be just fine!" Tummy ache = medical emergency, Cancer - not so much! LOL! I just said "OK..." I thought later of some funny comments I could make like, "Yeah no big deal, it's just cancer!" LOL!!!
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I have decided not to take offense at the stupid things people say. Mostly they don't know what to say, so they try to say something upbeat, and oftentimes it's a cliche and seems to trivialize our situation. A friend told me this would make me a stronger person (yeah, if it doesn't kill me or leave me with life-long side effects). A work associate grilled me about how I got diagnosed, and I sensed she was going through a mental checklist to see if she might have BC. I half expected her to say 'I have to go now, I need to get a mammogram'!
Julia
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Day: I feel for you having your mom so very far away. I'm just across country from mine, and when she's been sick it's been really hard to handle things by phone; last year, I was able to make several trips, this year not so much. I downplay the C stuff to her, cause I think she worries enough as it is, and she mourns my sister every day. I love languages and how they are constructed--funny what you said about Romanian.
I think there's only been one time when I've come close to snapping at something said to me, but I've had it all my life due to my disability and have a pretty thick skin in public. I like that we have an outlet here to vent, and I love NM's comebacks. There's one gal at work who asks odd things, but she is genuinely caring and wanting to understand. Her concern comes through loud and clear. My one niece however, who has posted "Is your memory any better?" on my fb page, appears clueless. Call me, talk to me one-on-one, please.
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My mother was recently diagnosed with breast cancer, stage 4 and has yet to begin any treatment. She had her mastectomy 2 months ago and then some other tests to check her bones and organs. The other week the billing department repeatedly called to inform her that she owes them $125. She asked, why are you harassing me for $125 when Medicaire just paid you $32,000 for my mastectomy. The billing representative stated, "Medicare did not pay us the total amount because the hospital gave you a discount." WHAT????
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Hoolianama, I used to do medical billing and what you were told is correct. The hospital bills the total bill to Medicare. But Medicare pays only a certain percentage of the bill. The hospital by agreeing to be a Medicare provider is obligated to write off the rest. You owe a small percentage (if I remember correctly ist is 20%) of what Medicare approves. They pay 80% of what they approved for payment using a medicare payment scale. Since you owe $125 I would guess they approved $625. They paid $500 and the hospital had to write off the rest. I am a bit rusty in my math but I think that is the case. I was recently in the ER. The bill was $4,750. Medicare approved $250. They paid $200. I paid $50 and the hospital wrote off $4,500. This is why hospitals and doctors are always complaining that they are underfunded. I think you should call the billing rep (your mom is entitled to an EOB---explanation of benefits from Medicare, but you can ask the hospital rep how much medicare approved and paid). If she had a mastectomy, several days of hospital stay and numerous tests $125 is cheap. Just be prepared to also get bills from the surgeon,the assitant surgeon, the anesthology group, possibly from the radiologist and lab as well. These are not usually included in your bill from the hospital. It is hard to check under pressure but not all these ancillary providers are neccessarily medicare providers and you may owe them more than the 20% of the medicare accepted amount.
Sorry to ruin your day but the billing rep was correct.
Kat
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Hoo boy, I got the ever-so-not-helpful e-mail today from a friend and co-worker (who is a nurse!). I couldn't believe it. All about how your poor diet and lack of supplements caused your immune system to "give in" to the cancer. No kidding, it said that people get between 6 and 10 cancers in a lifetime, but if your immune system is good, it will fight it off! I wonder how in the world they could even test that theory, let alone flop it out there as established fact.
It provided 'helpful' advice on how you should be eating, including the statement that cancers feed on protein, so implying that unless you're a vegetarian, you're just asking for it. Also milk was bad, with the suggestion to switch to soy! WTH? Estrogen-positive receptors, anyone? And artificial sweeteners are bad, but nothing about real sugar.
It also heavily implied that only people who didn't exercise 'enough' got cancer, and ended with that lovely chestnut about positive thinking curing all. And, of course, "Forward this to everyone you know who has, or is affected by, cancer."
I wrote her back and told her I thought it was ridiculous, and just a way to blame patients for their illness, and to reassure those who don't have cancer that they're somehow safe. *sigh* I know she probably thought she was being helpful, and I probably hurt her feelings, but dammit, she hurt my feelings, too!
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myboyxx3,
Those must be the dumbest comments yet! Seriously, is your sister-in-law mentally stable? My jaw is on the floor. I can't imagine hearing those things come out of anyone's mouth.
For the record, my friend with ten positive nodes is still frisky after 12 years and she didn't even do chemo because she was the only caregiver to her dying (ALS) husband. After he died, she "never got around to chemo."
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The same things were said to me by a lady I met now and then when I walked our dogs. She had heard through the grape vine that I had bc and I one day, just after I had lost my hair, she started talking to me, about diet, and attitude and outlook on life, which was supposed to be an essential factor re preventing and curing cancer. I happily told her I was feeling well and positive, that I was planning a great xmas-dinner with family and friends and that I had just bought a new blouse for the occasion. Then she said I was too attached to material things which is bad for the soul and can cause your immune system to malfunction.
I felt like being kicked in the stomach and didn't know what to say, I was completely dumbstruck. I just stared at her and then walked on. During my treatment I learned that lots of people have very unfounded notions on the subject of cancer, which for some reason they particularly love to dispense on the patients. I agree that this probably has a lot to do with reassuring themselves.
I was also told more than once how lucky I was, having all these check-ups now, whereas they never had any check-up, not having had cancer. A co-worker said: just imagine, I could be stage IV already without even knowing it! Lucky me indeed, with all my wonderful check-ups.
There are those who just have no talent whatsoever for even the least bit empathy.
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I had one of those people one time trying to tell me all the crap about "healthy diet" and stuff. I've let her say a couple phrases, then I looked her in the eye and said "You are aware, of course, that I am not American born and raised, and that until I came to the US my diet was 90% organic fruits, vegetables, eggs and dairy straight from the farm, and the meat I ate was also free of any kind of chemicals, right?". She choked on her own words, came up with an "well, I dont' know then" and left.
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I hate to say it, but I often think when I hear these things is "My, my won't they be surprised when the hear the words--you have BC."
I've learned alot from this. I'm on the better end now with everything over, at least for now. I really think about what I say when talking with someone who has a particular medical problem. I don't ever want to assume I know everything/anything. I've learned people just want to be heard--without even anything being said back if the other person is REALLY listening with their heart.
We've also learned who really are friends and who have been thrown off our life bus.
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mbtlc, that's a good way to look at it.
I too have made hearing these comments a learning experience for when I hear somebody else's diagnosis. I really think, am I saying anything stupid? The people who have said stupid, hurtful things to me thought they were being supportive. Ugh!
I wish someone would take this thread and turn it into an article. Are there any writers here?
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It could be turned in a book, probably. Not sure if anyone has the energy though lol
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Yes, it could be titled, "What never to say to people who have [fill in blank]."
Could be funny and shocking.
True none of us has the energy. Maybe, someone's daughter could do it.
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