Calling all TNs
Comments
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On on funny note about everyone else not "getting it". I was talking to a friend at the gym, who knows all about my BC history, and was telling her that we are planning to move back to PA. I was saying my reasoning is after everything that happened in the last year we just want to be closer to family. She actually asked me "what happened last year?"
REALLY????????
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Sorry to hear you're feeling so alone. Sending some Canadian HUGS your way.
I feel like I have less tolerance right now. I was sitting outside the cancer centre after my 2nd last chemo and a guy was wheeled out by a volunteer to wait for his mobility transport van. He lite up a cigarette. I LOST my mind and started asking him why in hell he was smoking in front of the cancer centre after just being wheeled out by a volunteer. My blood was boiling. I would have never approached someone before, just would have stewed in my head. I find I am more outspoken now. I was SO angry when my husband pulled up with the car. I told him what happened and then I screamed "And I get friggin' cancer!!!". Just makes me angry. I just seem to get set off more easily now then before.
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OMG, Heather, that IS thick. Just goes to show you how insular people can be.
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Heather - people can be so clueless!
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You know, I just find it sort of funny, how self absorbed we all can be. I wasn't hurt by the comment, maybe a bit taken back but the truth is the only people that can truly understand are the ones who are in the same situation. Even my husband who has to deal with this as well doesn't fully understand that BC stills consumes my daily life. Sure, I'm finished with treatment now but my thoughts stray constantly to the "what ifs". He has chosen to put this all behind us and move on, it's just not as easy for me to do. And for everyone going to treatment right now. Each day that passes, it gets a little better.
We are moving back to Pennsylvania to be closer to family and friends, one of my biggest concerns is a "what If" - I want us to be all settled so my husband will have the support he needs should anything ever happen in the future. Does that make sense?
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I've definitely changed. I'm much more tolerant of stupid people. Who knew?! I've always been outspoken and have chosen friends carefully (or only intrepid people like me). Now I'm more tolerant, less judgemental and generally more accepting of life. Maybe it's because I might not have time to change them all? Maybe, or maybe it's chemo chemistry changing something. Heck if I know, but it's a lot less stressful for me.
I agree that all of this very lonely-making. I've always been the "strong one" and I suppose nobody around me has expected that to change. So I try to cut them some slack. However that doesn't take away the fact that cancer shifts everything.
Born - I would NOT have been tolerant and accepting of the smoker! He would have been lucky that I didn't find something to whack him on the head with.
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mccrimmon - I go to the "what ifs" a lot. My onc told me "remember you're early stage". I didn't like hearing that (although early stage is good) , but I try to inject that into any downward thought spiral. Sometimes it works and sometimes it doesn't.
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phgraham,
"remember I'm early stage" is like my mantra, I just keep repeating myself in my moments of panic. Which, honestly does not happen nearly as much as before but they sneak up on me every now and then. I do still think about it alot, just not the panic attacks.
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phgraham: I agree, I think I am more tolerant and less anxious about the everyday things that used to stress me out (e.g. traffic-lol) because I know there are so much more important things in life to invest my energy in. At the same time, I choose not to surround myself with people who bring me down or work assignments (I'm self-employed) that I don't find meaningful or rewarding.
In the spririt of tolerance, who knows about that guy outside the cancer centre? - maybe he's stage 4 with lung cancer, hopelessly addicted, enjoying the last few smokes he'll have... it's not something I'd react to because it doesn't affect me and I don't walk a mile in his shoes... (although I must say that when I was in treatment, I was really bothered by some unhealthy behaviours of my friends... now I've moved on from that).
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Wow great conversation.. the seperation of family and friends that dissapeared when I was diagnosed- they did not even wait till I was done with treatment- I just started rads. Trying to talk to my DH about the what-if's is like a dead end street. He refuses to even let me talk to him about anything that involves my thought process. I was recenty told I am very straight to the point these days. I answered back, I don't have time to beat around the bush, if you pissed me off you're going to know it. I love coming to these threads, they give me a sense of belonging. Yall understand and are going through the same thing as I. It gives me a feeling of sisters no matter what!
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You mean *this* shirt... lol.
I wore that right after my Dx... never grew my hair back. I wear it short and straight now... it's taken 10 years off my face. Also, I have way *less* tolerance for "stupid" people and simply avoid them (a luxury I have, being a solitary individual by nature and living in the country).
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I have to admit, I'm am shocked at the people that walked away and the ones that stepped forward. The ones I thought would be right there holding my hand we're the first to run, the ones I expected to run we're holding my hand. Funny, how I managed to misjudge all these years. Hubby actually told me that I've become a b*tch since going thru chemo. Now, he didn't mean it in a nasty way. Just a whole lot more straight forward then I've ever been and a lot more opinionated. To be honest. I sort of like it. I'm tired of always trying to please everyone, now I spend more time "about me"
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YAY Mitty and Maggie! woot woot!
Luah- love the pics!! more please!!
{{{Lovelyface}}}
Hope everyone has a great day!!
xxoo
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Hi all,
Good thread about friends and family. My story is similar to everyone's. Now that I'm approaching the one year post diagnosis I find that it's even harder to convey my fears and concerns with those close to me. Every little ache or pain sends me spinning into the "what if" territory. Sometimes it seems like it's even harder at this point to stay positive than when I was going through chemo. At least that had an end date. Staying positive until the next mammo or test is in some ways much harder. I'm glad we have this board to be there for each other and to sound off.
Looks like I should change my photo. Now the hair is gray and curly. Going for my first trim in a year next week.
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Khs113 - congrats on the trim. My BFF is a manicurist and works in a salon. I made a full spa day out of my first trim. Then we had a girls night out, definitely alot of fun.
I absolutely HATE admiting this. On occasion my port side shoulder hurts, I know it's because of a funny angle OR when I overdo it on the eliptical. However, with recent events I can't help but go into a full fledge panic whenever I feel even a twinge in my shoulder, I made the mistake of saying something to my husband about it the other night. He made himself sick worrying about it.
It doesn't hurt anymore.
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One big change I've noticed is that I don't sweat the small stuff the way I used to. In most areas of my life, this has been a good thing. But oddly enough, it's had a negative effect at my job. I just can't seem to work up a head of steam over the little day-to-day "emergencies" the way my co-workers do, which makes it hard to relate to them. And I'm very short on patience for all the bs....sometimes I just feel like screaming, "People, we're not saving lives here!!!" It's like a constant reminder that I've been through something that most other people haven't experienced, and I have a different perspective. And that makes me feel sorry for myself, if that makes any sense. Sorry for the rant....thanks for letting me whine
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Heather- My shoulder hurts all the time. I've been struggling with pain in my shoulder/axilla/implant for over a year. I have been scanned, and scanned some more. NED. I tell you this to let you know that more often than not, these pains are *not* the beast returning. xxoo
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Thank you Michele,
When we first learned of MBJ's reocurrance, I took it pretty hard and told my husband about it. Told him about the pain she'd been having in her shoulder.
While on vacation I had mentioned to the people we were with that I can't sleep on my port side due to shoulder pain (this is caused from the port, I can feel it) My husband didn't know this, all he heard was shoulder pain, we were traveling on an overnight train and stuffed into a little cubicle that slept 6, poor guy got up in the middle of the night to get sick he was so worried. If only he had said something I could have relieved his worry but he was afraid to say anything in front of our friends.
Needless to say, I DID NOT share our losses with him.
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Here's one of my favorite pics. This was taken a few years ago in Venice, Florida. I'm am generally the worst picture taker but this one just came out beautifully.
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Great picture, Heather! I love to see the pelicans!
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Hi guys, just wanted to share some potential good news for TN's. The new Neuvax cancer vaccine is looking promising for Triple Negs with low to moderate Her2 expression. If anyone has finished treatment in the last 2 months, you might want to look it up and see if you quallify. I just found out I passed the preliminary screening, so we'll see how it goes from here. Preliminary clinical trials looked like it could cut recurrence by half (http://www.defense.gov/news/newsarticle.aspx?id=66697). Here's praying for a breakthrough!
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Heather-- MBJ's death scared the pee outta me as well. Actually, I owe it to her that I came back to this thread. I was looking up "shoulder pain" at bc.org and saw her thread.
Needless to say, I have been spending a lot of time and energy telling myself that "I am OK". I think that we all (collectively) have good reason to be afraid. However, I think that it is also important to try to reassure ourselves whenever possible. The facts are that the vast majority of us will survive without recurrence. 0 -
Lovelyface-
Just remember, you will never truly be "alone" as you always have us here to understand your needs and your feelings. There is always one of us here, no matter what time of day or night. You've got lots and lots of arms to hold you up through the low periods. Always remember, when you're feeling down - you have no place to go but up!
Hugs,
Linda
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Michelle and Heather -
While Mary's progression and then her death so shortly thereafter knocked us all for a loop, please also remember that Mary had problems from the get-go with that bad frozen shoulder, so as her pain worsened (and if you read back on her posts- the pain became totally excruciating and totally disabling to her), she just kept assuming that it was still the frozen shoulder. The move from CA to KY took so much of her time, and the lack of insurance, she lost so much very precious time in finding out that it very obviously wasn't the frozen shoulder, but cancer that was eating away at it. Such a tragic, tragic shame. I mention this only in the hope of trying to keep each of you from going to that "dark spot" we all so often cause ourselves to do. While I don't have pain in my shoulder from it, I have a "recessed" dent from where the port was, and it still remains sore to even touch it and mine has been out for about two years.
Hugs,
Linda
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Hi nladies, sorry for not posting much, just tired all of the time. I do try to read posts every couple of days. I will be starting short term disability next week. The Abraxane is kicking my a$$ like the TAC never did. I just cannot seem to bounce back.
I had chemo # 3 today. If my liver enzyme numbers do not start coming down we will be switching to gemzar(?) once a week for 3 weeks then off for 1. I have also lost 20 lbs in the last 3 weeks, nno appetite. Everyone else that I know my size are trying to get appetite suppressants, I am starting a medicine to increase my appetite. Go figure.
By the way, has anybody said this lately? I HATE F,,,,ING CANCER!!!!!
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Beccad: I am so sorry the abraxane is taking such a toll... maybe it's a sign that it's kicking the cancer's butt too. In any case, I hope you feel better soon - and get your appetite back. (((((((hugs)))))))
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Guess what? I got my drain back!!!! I am not happy, but the doc drained 200 cc's of fluid today and said I needed a drain, this is 4 months after my bmx. The drain is painful where it goes in and I have to start antibiotics again. And I have to work on Saturday-boo hoo. I don't know why my body produces so much fluid.
I had 12 weekly Abraxane and at first it was ok and then it got bad, real bad! I am so sorry you have to be on it, I can not imagine being on it for an extended period of time. Oh, and I hate F****** cancer too! I hope Gemzar is much easier on you and tougher on the FC.
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Beccad, I'm so sorry you are having such a rough time. I hope that does mean it's kicking it a**! Hope your feeling better soon and you get your appepitite back.
Bak, I can't believe your drains back. How long did they say and why?
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Oh Bak, I hated those drains. So sorry you have to go through this.
Hang in there, Beccad.
Waving to Lovelyface!
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Bak, I'm so sorry you have to have drains again! Hopefully they will do the trick and you won't have to keep them in long. Sending you hugs!
Beccad, I'm so sorry you are going through this - and hope that this chemo has a strong affect on your cancer. Hugs to you, too.
Lovelyface, we are all here for you! I look forward to reading your posts; you have a very warm personality that comes through your writing.
My MIL died last night from complications from pneumonia. She never even had a chance to start treatment for her lung cancer and it was less than two weeks from diagnosis to her death. She was there for me every step of the way during this past year, even came and stayed with me in the room before I went in for my mastectomy, cheering me up with her usual wry sense of humor. She was not in pain and died peacefully. I will really miss her. I am so glad that I had the chance to write her a letter during my recovery from chemo about how much she meant to me and how much I loved her. I heard from another family member that the letter meant a lot to her; she even read to them. My daughter is devastated and dealing with arrangements and so on. She was the one designated to take care of everything but none of us expected my MIL to pass away so soon. I'm helping as I can. I'm headed to work but not very focused today at all, but have two reports that have to be completed today.
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