Calling all TNs
Comments
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Swanny: I truly think cancer is the loneliest thing to have on the planet! People get scared, they are superstitious, and just don't know what to do or how to help. I tried taking the advice of one woman who said, choose the kind of tasks they would love to do even if you weren't sick. For instance, I have a friend who loves to clean, another who didn't mind taking me to appointments, another who loves to cook or who would bring by food. But I have to say, whenever anyone asked I was always, I'm doing great, I'm fine, I don't need anything. But mostly, I just didn't want people to see me as weak or sick. Can't stand it at all. But here we can let it all hang out the good, the bad the ugly. We can rant, cry, scream and moan and we are all here for you to help you get back up on your feet. You now have many, many friends and the welcome mat is always out so don't hesitate to use it! Hugs!!!
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MBJ- Thank-you. You seem to have put into words what I was trying to say. I am beginning to really hate it when people say," Laura, you'll be fine, you are so strong and positive". The phony smile and I am fine, you described says it to a tee! How are YOU feeling? Are you recuperating well after your surgery? I hope you are feeling well and happy with the outcome. Well I'm not sure happy is the right word how about content, satisfied or happy?
Swanny- So sorry about your mom. How wonderful that you took care of her and was there for her. I send a big hug your way. Please don't apologize for being down. It is wonderful to have this sight so we can share our ups and downs. I am sorry you feel lonely but MBJ put into words how we all probably feel at times. When I take the time to read all of the posts on here I feel a little better. I hope you do too! I usually always smile or laugh at some point, as there are some serious comedians. Pun intended! Hope your day gets better and there is always tomorrow.
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Thank you for all of your kind words? It helps.
I am so glad that I have a place to get things off of my chest. Take care to all. 0 -
Swanny~ My friends bailed too. They couldn't handle the idea that 30-somethings get BC. But, I've made so many *new* friends.
Laurajane~ If one more person tells me that I'm "so strong", I'm going to spit. Like I had a choice!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Ugh.
Sorry to be so negative tonight. I'm just nervous about my surgery... I'm terrified that my PS will find another tumor. Isn't that silly?? Why in the world would there be anything in there! Sheesh... The images our brains can create. That and I finished chemo a year ago. I should be thrilled but am still having a hard time moving on... I look at my babies and wonder if I'll be there when they go to college, get married, and have babies of their own... such dark thoughts. I just hate feeling this way.
Well, enough of that... off to bathe DD and to snuggle. By this time tomorrow, I'll be a new woman! Ha!
xxoo
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Michele - good luck with your surgery!
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GGood luck tomorrow Michele..will be thinking of you and you will be fine!
Laurajane...I wasn't allowed to take supplements during chemo but now I'm hearing that is old school. I started taking supplements 2 weeks after my last chemo...kept adding..the oncs know and they approve them all..I take aspirin, folic acid, calcium, a one day vitamin, milk thistle, flax seed. D3, COQ10 and biotin. I was thinking about the iodine but haven't started that yet..or the alkaline water...I'm going to ask the onc about them next time I see him in November.
Swanny..it is lonely sometimes isn't it...although I have a husband and kids they don't want to hear about it anymore...so I just come on here and talk to all of you..it helps just writing it down and knowing that someone will care...I usually feel better after I push the submit button!
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I think the psychological journey is the toughest part, largely because we do tread there alone (except for the women here). I know my family and friends can't really relate to my fears and anxieties - and I rarely talk about them now. Maybe that's a good thing, because it forces me to get back to living "normally" as much as I can.
With respect to friends, the kindest gesture I had during my treatment came from a friend and neighbour down the street. On my chemo days (all 16 of them) and later during radiation, she would leave me a lovely lunch on my doorstep on her way to work every Thursday. I'd retrieve it from the porch and wonder what delicious combination she put together that week. It was a small thing, but truly a highlight of my treatment time. As she explained it, she felt badly that she couldn't spend lunch with me, but wanted me to know that someone was thinking of me that day. I loved that! When I finished treatment, I went downtown and took her out to lunch to celebrate and say thanks.
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Sweet story, Luah. I had many friends that took care of me during chemo. One in particular is a fabulous cook, and she would bring over wonderful, entire meals. Great comfort food, hot from her oven to my table. I will never forget how that made me feel. DH was appreciative too. I am so lucky to have so many wonderful people in my life. ........getting weepy. Sorry.
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I'll be thinking of you tomorrow, Michele and sending positive thoughts your way. Times like this can filter so many people and things in life that we don't expect. I feel like I have so many new friends also, from this site.
Thanks Titan.
luah- what a sweet thing for your friend to do.
I remember being on AC and just wishing anyone would offer to make me some homemade soup. My daughter made it for me once and it meant so much to me. Wow! What a wonderful program that could be. Home-made soup for people on chemo. How to live normal. I haven't figured it out yet, but great advise. I guess I've been looking forward to someday feeling normal again. I'll work on it. Some say fake it till you make it.
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Luah - that is a cool story about your neighbor.
I am coming up to #6 of my 12 Taxols this week. Almost halfway done with it! I've been doing okay so far on Taxol - feeling a lot better than the AC. I do get tired from the steroids and lack of sleep during the week. this weekend I was feeling really tired. Then today I just wasn't feeling myself. I almost fainted at a friend's house. Luckily, my husband caught me. It really scared me. I realized that I am still on chemo and still need to rest and take care of myself.
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Michelle: My entire life everyone has always told me, you are so strong that I could just cchoke someone to death just to prove it LOL! I guess there are worse things, but really, I just don't want to be that strong anymore. With the help of all of these women here I think we will all be the better for it. BTW: I kept having those same thoughts right before my exchange, but they, of course, were groundless. You are doing everything to stay alive and well and happy and tomorrow you will no longer have turtle shells. It's the small things in life, you know? Will be thinking of you all day.
Me, I'm just counting the weeks until I can wear regular bras and clothes and not this torture constraint device. Good night ladies!
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Its Monday morning and I am thinking of you Michelle - lots of goods thoughts and hugs going your way!
I just had to comment on the "you're so strong" people. Ya, thats me too. Always the strong one, No one else has any doubts that I will be just fine, its like I can't get a minute to feel just a little weak, just a little like I need to be held up and comforted, I know my odds are good, but fact is I was outside the usual stats for even getting this damn disease! I try to put faith in the "odds" but there are always those who met, and I so worry about that. And then sometimes I just keep waiting to wake up form this nightmare. Thanks ladies for hearing me, you are all such angels.
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Kadd22 - Have sores in the corners of my lips and they hurt like hell sometimes. Just try to keep them moist when they get dry, aquphour works pretty good and you can get it over the counter at the pharmacy. Congrats on the 2 left I have 5:)
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I was going through a divorce while going through the whole BC thing. Ex had managed to talk to a lot of people claiming I left him for someone else, and due to my health I wasn't out there saying anything different. So, a lot of our "friends" disappeared before finding out I had "IT". I had to be strong to get through it all. I had two friends who left a basket with a theme, full of stuff from the 99 cent store, on my porch on chemo days. One day they brought a casserole. But that was about it. I missed 2 days of work the entire time, including surgery. If I had to do it again (which I pray I never will) I would try to appear a little less self sufficient. If you appear to be "getting through it" everyone dissappears.
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MicheleS - Good luck today on your surgery.
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Has anyones cancer ever came back within a month, after a successful lumpectomy, clear margins, 1.1 cm. tumor, node negative but a Triple Negative? I'm freaking this morning. It's not a lump exactly but a hardening area like in a gland opposite where she made the incision to take out the tumor. I am to have my port placed Wednesday and start chemo Thursday. I'm calling the office as soon as it opens but I don't know what this is. You have to really palpitate to feel it and when I raise my arm over my head, just below that area kind of caves in a little about an area the size of a nickel. I know she took tissue to get a clear margin so maybe that explains the little caved in, sunken area but OMG, I'm scared. It's only been a month since my surgery and I've not even started chemo yet!!!!!!!! Could it come back that soon?
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Meece, you were incredibly strong to get through it all physically and psychologically while dealing with the trauma of divorce and the loss of friends. I can only imagine how hard that must have been.
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Meece,
I am just sitting here shaking me head. I just don't understand people that go out of their way to do harm. I'm not sure if I want to. You come across the internet as very grounded and peaceful, so it's nice to see we can be true to ourselves no matter who tries to upend it.
Swanny,
I am in very similar shoes (size 10 1/2 nowadays) Somedays I just want someone to help me take out the garbage, help me to get groceries, carry my laundry down the street. Then companionship would be nice too...I had the friends drop off after an extended illness before BC. I do have good friends left, but I don't want to ask of them for help, as I don't want to burden them. They did rally during my surgery and chemo....of which I am very grateful. Somedays are still quite a struggle. It's not easy stuff, is it?
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Thinking of you today Michele.
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Meece - sorry you had to go through all of this junk without the support you should have had. You are strong and it shows that you dont need them. I have alot of friends who only call when they want something and never seem to give a crap at how I am doing because they think "oh she is strong she is fine" Well, I actually made up my mind yesterday after a few irritating "can you help me with this" calls that I am done with them all. They dont want to be there for me, Im not gonna be there for them. Maybe a bad way to look at it but I am fed up with it.
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Jwatrlily- try not to panic. I think most of us have experienced similar scary findings. Post surgery boobs are unpredictable animals. It could be a seroma, or something else benign. There is a lot of healing going on right now in your body, and some of it causes pain, swelling & tenderness. Try not to fret; it is most likely a normal healing response. Mention it to your onc if you continue to have concern.58FC8998-5F98-67A3-58AE-338395DBB2B11.03.010
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Damn- has anyone else had that crap show up at the end of their posts, as mine is now doing? I thought it was a one time glitch, but I see that it is not.58FC8998-5F98-67A3-58AE-338395DBB2B11.03.010
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what's a goin on with that? It thought it was the code to a new SIMS game
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wow ..busy busy busy here
Not moody from the chemo but dang this constipation is a royal ( literally ) pain in the ass. I havent the slightest idea anymore on what to do...... you get to the point that your afraid to go when ya have the urge because its so painfull. I hope this all gets to normal agian after the chemo is done and im on radiation.Thanks for the explanation on the fingernail growth.... Mine are growing like weeds. I used to bite my nails and all of a sudden i dont anymore ( wasnt planned LOL )...got not one stitch of hair on the body but got the beautiful nails goin... go an figure !! LOL otta get something positive outta this right.
Hope you ladies have a wonderful day
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Meece: Sounds like you went through a lot at one time. And you only missed 2 days of work? Amazing. You are right, you had to be strong.
Michele: Hope you feel like a new woman today!
Swanny: I am glad you have a couple of good friends to depend on. I have also, and I'm starting to appreciate them a whole lot more now.
Barbbasile: I have pretty much given up on thinking this all might just be a bad dream. I thought that in the beginning also, I just couldn't believe this all was happening to me. Now I realize that this is my life, and I have to deal with it.
On a lighter note, thankfully, I think your dog in your pic is cute and was wondering what kind he is?
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Lynn,
Ya I know, the bad dream thing is long past. I'm just having a hard day today. I am dealing with it. My fears of recurrence sometimes get out of control. I probably spend too much time on the internet looking up stuff. My dog is is a yorkie. He's sthe sweetest thing and really brings joy to my days.
Anyone know whats the latest on Avastin?
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I always tried to pay it forward and help people, because I wanted to help, but also thinking I might get help, but that doesn't always happen.
The first three months of BC I worked five hours a day. That helped me get through. Then I got a full time job forty miles away, but in the same town as my onc, and rads Drs. So I commuted and was gone 11 hours a day. I would just go home, literally crawl into bed until the next day to do it again. The kids helped a lot. On the weekends I regained my strength and went out to play and have fun, forget about BC.
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I actually have an old dx of hypochondriosis, a form of OCD. I am a card carrying hypochondriac! The irony is I used to be afraid I would get breast cancer... I spend WAY too much time looking up every twinge, pain, bump and lump. You name it! I am almost 1.5 yr out and it seems to come and go, but when it is "on" it is torturous! I know I need to get back to a therapist to save my sanity and I know we all worry sometimes, funny how sometimes it just spirals out of control. To have a cancer dx as a hypochondriac is some kind of test, that's for sure! I hope I pass, LOL!
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home!
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jwaterlily; just wanted to ditto what hheidi said about all the constantly evolving changes in breast tissue after surgery. My very indented, distorted breast ended up adjusting to be somewhat of a "mound" in a year's time. the circulation/edema are affected by the surgery (all that cutting and moving around) as well as hormonal problems. there is a process of "shifiting".
so I do understand your concern; tell your doctor; but breast tissue heals with changes external appearance.
Meece; you and I could form a "pity party" but it seems the two of us have moved on. It must have been much worse with a divorce and an ex-spouse slandering you. I have an adult daughter with borderline personality disorder. during my first two yrs of bc; she made several false accusations that I had abused her and that either my husband or I was a drug addict. Preposterous. It was a little like a divorce b/c people took sides. I was too sick to get caught up in it. But it was a low point in my life. My in-laws took her side. She moved in with her boyfriend's family after convincing them that I was abusive. Now I recognize that she is mentally ill and I have "radical acceptance". But at the time I just focused on the people who trusted me. And learned to ignore those who believed my daughter's lies. Life goes on. And I am a 7 year survivor this October!!! And that is my focus now!
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