Great saying about depression
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oh, its so good to hear that it was just a fat deposit, @Diane @kate ..ive got it bad in my primary hand, and truncal as well.. know the beginnings is the worst.. im glad your going to better hands.. i just got my 2nd set of compression items.. sleeves, and gloves.. now, changing to jobst to get more movement during the day..
i don't know, but it seems to be the biggest challenge for me/my depression, cause it directly affects how/what i can do, for myself..3jays
know, as you know what causes a flare, how, i know that LE definitely is a challengeto how i see myself, and what i feel capable to do in a day.. pm me anytime......3jays
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3jays- Thank you! I LE definitely has me more depressed than the BC or MX. Probably because I feel like it was preventable. I keep telling myself if only I hadn't done the revision, gone to that particular PS, etc. maybe I wouldn't have it.
It's late here but I can't sleep. I feel like everything hurts- foobs, LE (arms), my messed up shoulder, fibro (everything) and I can't get comfortable. Then I can't shut my brain off either.
I read a thread today that bothered me so much. A woman said her husband was asking for an open marriage because they hadn't had sex in 2 months. What the hell is wrong with some people?0 -
Feel so sad today. So mutilated due to the mistakes of others. How will it ever turn out. They are backtracking trying fo fix a mess. Over two years and still over six months at least till done. Does this sadness ever fade away completely? It is always there hovering. Can I function and get through the day yes. Will we ever wake up and not think about BC or look in the mirror and not shudder?
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Feel so sad today. So mutilated due to the mistakes of others. How will it ever turn out. They are backtracking trying fo fix a mess. Over two years and still over six months at least till done. Does this sadness ever fade away completely? It is always there hovering. Can I function and get through the day yes. Will we ever wake up and not think about BC or look in the mirror and not shudder?
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Diane - Wow so awful about your scare - thank goodness for such a sweet and caring doctor! Kate- I know!!! and I'm just so sorry about the whole LE thing...
Hopeful! 0h dear, I hate to hear you are sad and down too. I know what you mean about not done... I so need fixes also and it does get you down to feel like you are backtracking because of mistakes - I do think that makes it so much worse. I wonder about the sadness as well - if it ever goes. I can be cheerful and up and happy and grateful then all of a sudden it all hits me and it might be something tiny and unrelated but just takes me down in a hurry and I want to just crawl back in bed and cry all day. I'm so sorry you are having a terrible day. The part about the mirror - yes that is exactly how I feel. Hadn't really thought of it in terms of a shudder but YES a horrible shudder is exactly the correct word. I try most of the time not to look in the mirror or touch my chest in any way. Half the time though I do wonder about that scene in "Mrs. Doubtfire" where Robin William's fake breasts catch on fire and he doesn't notice. I know that is exactly how it would be for me and where long ago that scene might have been amusing now it is just horrifically sad.
Anway ((hugs)) to all three of you today! I hope today gets better for you all! I'm glad we have each other though.
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Stanzie just one of those days that is difficult but you keep putting one foot in front of the other. I just hate some of the changes this disease has brought. But in all honesty there are changes that are good. So complex.
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Sorry I haven't felt like posting for months but have been reading daily.
Question is: WHERE IS BARBE1958! I'M WORRIED, SHE HASN'T POSTED SINCE March 25th!
Barbe - come out, come out, where-ever you are!
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Oh My you are right!!! Barb, are you all right? Wonder if she is on the contact list? There is a list where you can sign up so if you are missing you list a contact person who will have access to your numbers and information so they can let us all know how someone is.
Thanks Debbie for posting about Barb!
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I was wondering about Barb myself as I havent had much time to actually log on and stalk her..will do that now.
Hopeful I am sorry you are feeling down today. Sometimes when I feel that way I just shut off everything and let myself feel it. Hope it passes soon.
Hang in there everybody...be back later.
Di
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I was doing actually really great today.... then it all went downhill. My daughter 13 almost 14 and I are in constant battle. And today she got home from school and said she wanted to go upstairs for a minute and would be right down. Earlier she was supposed to water the front plants and she didn't so I got out the hoses and such and watered and got my son off the bus - took about 45 min. well during that time she never came back downstairs and our puppy has now put holes through 7 screens on the screen porch! Oh great, just what I was going for now that our pool is also broken for the third time in a week. This house is just killing me- I am just drowing and having things break for no reason is very upsetting. Probably made worse cause right now my DD has already lost my trust.... so I know in the big scheme of things it really just isn't a big deal but it just sends me over the edge and down into depression..... Sometimes I just don't really know if I can actual deal with the actual realities of life.... at least by myself. I do not regret my divorce as it was "killing" me but having the other person who is helpful with the house and the kids is just huge and I do miss that very much and wonder sometimes if I'm really strong enough to do this on my own. It wasn't good being married but I just wish I was stronger, smarter, more capable, more patient, more knowledgable, and just a better parent.... I started out today so great and happy and now I've been in tears and sometimes just want to give up and hid in bed and make it all go away.... On Thursday, my puppy will be nutered and I'm so worried about him.... and I know they say he will live longer will get rid of some of the harder to handle behaviors and such but how awful am I to do this to this sweet little puppy.... I know I'm totally losing is, Yes.
OK so yes worried about Barb - she has never been gone since I've been on this site. I looked on the central adress book and she isn't on it.
Sorry to join in the blues....
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Thanks Hadley!! How are you feeling? I saw that you are meeting with your docs next week to discuss a plan. I would definitely not do a hysterectomy at your age. My onc would love to take my ovaries but I said hell no. I would do lupron to chemically shut them down first. I am sorry the T is causing so many problems. I worry that since i have no side effects at all and have continued my period that it is not effective at all for me. Ii guess we will see. Did you ever get a full explanation of your biopsy path?? I still say go for another opinion. Sometimes when a doc knows you are talking to another doc to potentially replace him/her it makes them step up their game and pay more attention.
Ok back to work...Good night all!!
Diane
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hinladies: i have barbe's home email, and am going to email her today...Im going to ask the dr next week, if we can rotate the one anti dep. i can take on "off" days of synthyroid.. im crying for just nothing, these days.. there's just TOO much going onhere.. so, i've gotta face the abyss with something besides "bravado"..
i know the puppy will be ok they do so much better after they're "snipped" stanzie.. but it does worry the hell out of you!!!! i spent the day worrying, and INSISTED on seeing my little man, so i could see hewas ok when he got done.............my kids are in their 30's; ones in denial with life, one distracts with money, and one is in rehab. i feel so overwhelmed by them all the time. so, i can IMAGINE how hard it is, with teens.will be thinking of you...3jays
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Dear 3jaysmom,
Thank you for responding to my concern and I really do appreciate you making the effort and taking the time to see if barbe responds to a 'home' email. I didn't try to send her one through here but just realized today in reading that her intelligent witty posts were 'missing'.
After not hearing from our Mary for so long, and then Mary posting of her status change was devestating, as was her death. She died on my two year cancer-versary of finding out I had breast cancer, so I sunk to a low that I haven't been at since my initial diagnosis.
Please, please, please barbe be okay and get those fingers of your flying on the keyboard!
Stanzie, I know you are a smart, kind, caring, knowledgeable and loving parent. No, it's not always easy to be a parent and you may think if there was two parents in the house it would be easier, but that is not always the case. I have found with my 18 year old son that when he was about 16, which was when I was diagnosed, it seemed like all of a sudden to him I became the dumbest woman walking on the earth and could do no right. It hurt because I cared and he was unhappy and I was unhappy because he was unhappy. I would send him off to school and my husband would leave and I would crawl back into bed and actually pull the covers over my head and stay there until about 2 hours before son and husband were due to come home and then race around, take a shower, make the bed, do housework, start dinner, bake and act like everything was normal. Ha, I fooled them but it took a toll on me. It took me almost two years to tell my husband of 29 years how I wish he had once put his arms around me for comfort through all of this or that I needed his help and didn't he see it....and his response was all I had to do was ask. What, I have to ask for a hug when I'm upset - well, that doesn't count to me.
Anyway, teenagers think we parents are dumb, invasive and trying to wreck their lives. I wish I had taken a stronger stand and realized no matter what I did or didn't do, my son was just not going to be happy with me or himself.
You might seriously think of downsizing your home if you can Stanzie, for something more manageable and simplified, like no pool to maintain and a smaller yard. Try and look for 5 minute pockets in your day to sit and relax.
And neutering your dog isn't mean - it's kind. Also, you could get someone to build you a simple dog run outside that you could put the dog in when you need to do things and to decrease the damage done to your home.
barbe - where are you?
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Diane I just read a study that the lack of side effects from T does not mean it isn't working. There was a test CYP2D6 they were doing for awhile to test the enzyme needed to break it down etc........... long story short they found out that test isn't reliable and lack of SE does not mean you are not metabolizing the T and using it effectively. So girlfriend count your blessings you don't have SE!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I didn't either for about 3-4 months and then they kicked in with a vengence and I believe is what is affecting my moods and I know it is what is causing the horrible night sweats and hot flashes, foot cramps. Hang in there. Diane yeah for fat lumps
And thanks for the support, I agree I just feel the emotions and get through it and try again. I get weary of not being able to put it behind me but I think when recon is done that will help some. I forced myself to go out to dinner last night with a group and in the end it did help. So glad you ladies are here that really understand because if you haven't gone through this you just can't. Stanzie it is so hard being a parent. My children are grown and we noticed a real switch at about 24-26. They have so many emotions raging now and so do you with what you are facing. Does it work to have "family meetings" We never did ha but I have read about them.
I think you are probably a very loving mom and it is ok for them to know you are not perfect and that life isn't perfect. My daughters pediatrician told me that once when I was voicing concern at being grouchy ( I was working, back in college and being wife and mom this was about 30 years ago) He said if they are fed, loved, clothed and sheltered then you are doing what you need to do and it is good for them to see that life is not easy and perfect all the time. Wise man.Yes I hope Barbe is ok.
Deep breath and look out and see the beauty and feel some peace ladies.
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Stanzie I forgot to mention I feel ya on the teenagers. When my nieces and nephews were 13/14 they were completely MISERABLE to be around. Once their hormones kick in ...LOOK OUT! The promising news is it will settle down some by adulthood...LOL. My love of my life niece spent the weekend with me and if she didnt eat like a man and leave trash everywhere I wouldnt have even known she was there. She is buried in her iphone. At least she still wants to hang out with her old aunt Di.
sorry about the difficulties of puppyhood. My puppy destroyed some drywall around my house. you just cant leave em alone for a minute. I hope today is a better day for you. I know from my sis and friends who are divorced with kids it is not easy doing it all yourself. My one friend keeps her loser boyfriend around for that exact reason, he helps with carpooling and babysitting while she works her a$$ off and he sits on the couch all day...unemployed sponging off of her..wheeew had to vent. Anyhow, you are amazing to balance it all and even on days when you dont feel good. I cant imagine to have gone through everything and have kids on top of it. I was happy to just curl up in bed as needed. I feel for you. Wish I lived closer to help out. Hopeful yes I talked to my doc about that test and for the very reason that it is not reliable he doesnt do it. I did read that a recent study says if you have no SEs you are a super metabolizer but lots of other studies conflict that so I guess we shall see.
Does anyone watch Guiliana and Bill?? What a great Husband he is..and she is so brave to put it all out there. The last thing I would have wanted going through this journey is a camera in my face. I do think she will shine a bright light on this cause and be a loud voice for us all.
On the Barbe front...i noticed her last several posts were deleted by the mods so I am thinking she may be suspended frm posting for a while. or at least I hope that is all it is. It looks like there was a rather heated discussion with another member and they both may have had their wrists slapped.
Anyhow, one more week of tax season and I can not wait. you dont even want to know what I should be doing at this very moment instead of posting but seriously needed a break.
Hugs to all!!
Diane
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justagirl- So glad you are posting again. I've missed hearing about your life and family. I've been down about Mary, too. I actually went through this thread last night rereading her posts. It was so sad reading what seemed like innocent posts about her shoulder pain and doing PT with no improvement. Then we kind of lost track of her for about a month and it seemed we were all so busy with our own lives/problems that no one caught it at first. It was barbe who first mentioned she hadn't posting in awhile so thank you for doing the same for her.
Stanzie just told me about the Central Address Book that nowheregirl started. You PM her to request access and then register with contact information from your "real life". I think it's such a great idea and hope everyone joins.
Stanzie- I think the teenage years are incredibly rough, anyway. My DS and I have had our share of challenges lately. But I think there's such a loss of control with BC that I find the need for control has amped up in other parts of my life. This doesn't work too well when I have a teenager who is trying to exert his own control. It really pushes my buttons. I even have the dumbest thoughts like, "I just went through frickin' BC! Can't you at least empty the dishwasher without an argument?!" It's crazy!
As far as your puppy I went through a lot of anxiety when I got mine spayed, too. I felt so bad that you can't explain to them what is happening. And I think now that we've been through the medical stuff anything to do with surgery, even surgery on our dogs, is sressful. Just tell yourself you're doing it for his own good and the pet population everywhere. Soon it will be a distant memory in his food/treat/toy driven brain. (((hugs)))
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just a quick side note...the central address book is for Stage IV ladies. Its run by Nowheregirl formerly timtam who runs the picture forum as well.
I just think if you want to share your information with someone here just send a pm. I do have a few here with my personal information and they have my permission to stalk me at anytime should I go missing.
ok...really back to work for me
Claire ARE YOU OUT THERE???? Missing you too!!! Hope you are ok
Diane
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Diane- I think she's now decided to open up the central address book to everyone not just stage iv. Just in case someone were to go missing for some other reason like a car accident or something you wouldn't worry about them forever wondering what happened.
So had my appointment with the new LE therapist today and realized the first one was an idiot. Basically she wasn't doing anything right. I do have LE but it's moderate not mild. It's in my arms and trunk. So now going to have PT 2-3 times a week for awhile. Really love the LMT so that's good. No sleeves yet until she does a lot of MLD and gets some of the swelling down so I have a brief reprieve. I'm still so mad about that a****** PS putting incisions in my armpits because I know that caused this. My LMT just shook her head when she saw them and said, "What was he thinking? And he works on BC patients?" I talked to a friend of mine today who is on BCO and told her how angry I was. She said I should take all the anger and put it in a box for now and put it on a shelf. Then focus on healing and the LE PT and get to a better place physically. When I'm ready take the box down and decide what to do with it. I thought it was a great way of looking at things. Now where's a damn box I can use!
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So far behind with all of you. Since returning to work i am exhausted by evening and just cant keep up with everything. Still having so much swelling and pain with the foobs. PS says give it time. The exchange was in Nov! But he said it might take a year. Im breathing! :-o Anyway I just need to say out loud BC sucks. I got sad news tonight my cousin who was diagnosed right after me in 2004 just learned she has mets to the liver. They are giving her 2-6 months. Made me immediately think of Mary and the tears started. I can't believe it. . .
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Aw, Lindsey, I'm sorry about your cousin. What horrible news. It's hard enough hearing about someone on here but even more gut wrenching in our family. One small comfort is she has you- someone to listen and understand. (((hugs)))
Claire- Hope everything is ok!0 -
"Depression is not a sign of weakness. It's a sign you've been strong for too long."
I had not heard that saying before and I really needed to read that today. Thanks.
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When life's stressors kept coming and coming year by year I guess I couldnt be strong anymore ....Now I feel i have fallen apart emotionally over the last few months. Why now?..
.I felt so proud of beating cancer initially then the recurrence and then losing my dad to leukemia in the middle of it all. It seems lately I am waiting for next shoe to drop and have a hard time dealing with job stress.... Lots of Anxiety.... I tried to go to a relaxation workshop today (it was my first group meeting ever r/t cancer). I was so anxious the whole time. I finally had to leave because tears were pouring out my eyes. Everybody was listening to the facilitator lying on yoga mats eyes closed and I lied there crying unable to relax. Oh well.
I guess this workshop is not for me. I never have been to a cancer support group b4 and this was relaxation stress reduction workshop! So are group support classes not for me? I guess u never know until u try
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haven't read the posts, will catch up later.. Barbe 1958 is okay, wiating for the results of tests on her abdomen.. there was some problem with posting.. but, she'll be back on soon, im sure, a week or so, i think.. she's caught up in waiting for test results, as well...
hope everyone is ok..and i'll ck the rest of the posts tommorrow.....night.3jays
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Dear 3jaysmom,
Thank you for following through and checking up on Barbe!
And now as Kate has said: where is Claire?
I know I haven't written for months, but that doesn't mean I haven't been depressed - think I have been too depressed and anxious to write but would read here every day.
I still think of Mary every day and wonder why I, as a RN, never twigged on the fact that her shoulder pain might be a bc met. Was I so wrapped up in myself that something that should of been one of the first avenues explored after the pain continued for more than two weeks just went by my radar. And her pain continued for weeks and weeks....what else have I missed in the lives of those around me that I care about ....and that includes 3jaysmom, Claire, Diane, Stanzie, Kate, Barbe, Lindsey and all the others who have joined in here.
I have to shed this anxiety that the BC will come back and get me - that it's ok to get on and live my life - to have fun, laugh, smile, be happy. It just scares me that it will all be snatched away........... sorry.
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MeliC- I think the group thing is tough for a lot of us- even a group of our friends. I know I've definitely become more introverted through all this. You have dealt with so much and have kept plugging along. I think there comes a time, though, when we finally have to sit still in one spot and finally process our losses. You have many especially losing your Dad at a time you probably needed him the most. I think the relaxation workshop gave your mind and heart the quietness it needed but the surroundings weren't ideal for it surrounded by strangers maybe? It's a process, though, and we're all just taking baby steps here. Glad you joined us. (((hugs)))
justagirl- No need to ever say sorry. What you're feeling is all so normal. Going back and reading Mary's posts, again, I also wondered why mets never came up. I think it was because she kept referring to her old shoulder injury flaring up again or the recent boating accident. It all seemed so innocent. And mets was something that happened to other people not our little circle here! It just never crossed my mind. I read her post on Christmas Day and she wrote, "It's good to be alive!" That things could change so radically in such a short time has shaken me to me core.
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justagirl, isn't that one of our biggest challenes to not let the fear of mets snatch away the gifts of today! I keep saying I don't want to waste the gift of my hero husband. Yet our minds can't help but go to those places because it is our reality. The effort for me has to be to not let it stay there and take away the beauty of those that I love and love me and the moments we have now.
I am spooked by some symptoms I have been having and am waiting for my oncologist to call me back. This is what is hard......... ok what doc do you call the onc. the ps the internist? So called the onc and waiting for her nurse to call to direct me. Over two weeks so checking it out.
Kate I too am much more introverted. I think as someone told me I see your life spark coming back.... that it does in time but it is forever changed.
MelicC I wonder if this just wasn't the right group? I am not a group person but I found a group for just women that have had a mastectomy. I went and keep going because it is so nice to talk to women who get it.
I am really hoping we can each take today and find some peace.
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Thanks Kate and hopeful healing .....for your replies . At least here (BCO)I feel I am not alone. I love how much everyone cares about each other ...... And checks in with each other. I feel good reading the posts and I can go back and read them, when I am low and need someone to understand
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MeliC- You are not alone! We are all here for you and will listen anytime. I used to think that those of us who post here are the "stuck" ones. The ones who aren't able to move on. I think, though, that we are the honest ones telling it like it is. That by posting here we're truly fully processing things in a healthy way- not sweeping it under the rug and saying, "I'm o.k.!" because that's what others want to hear. I may be moving forward in tiny steps but it's still progression. And it's the wonderful women on here that propel me forward.0
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Aww Debbie dont beat yourself up...we all thought Mary was seeking medical attention...actually she was ...little did we know how incompentent they were. She went to the doctors many times for her pain, she went to the ER she had 5 surgeries...surely someone did blood work. i never thought her should pain could be mets. We dont know what mets feels like ...her docs should have treated her better. I know once she moved to KY we all had some concerns about her medical care. I do miss her and can't beleive its been almost a month since she passed. I still have all her emails in my box and can't bear to delete them. I keep stalking her FB page like she might post again. I think the main thing we can take away is how Mary reached out to so many newbies and helped so many people with her upbeat attitude and loving spirit.
Such nice posts today...even the rants...I cherish our chats...I cherish all the posts on this thread and all the lovely brave beautiful women I've met through BCO. Welcome Melinda!! Dont ever be afraid to post how you are feeling and PM anytime
Good night ladies..tomorrow is a busy day!! 5 more days of tax rush...ugh...
Diane
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Diane and Kate,
Thank you both. Guess it's mainly I feel like since I was first diagnosed two years ago I have been living my life in a fog. First surgery fog, then chemo and radiation fog, then five more surgeries.
I don't want to be missing out on my life, and the life of my husband (who's 78 today!) and my 18 year old son. I knew 34 years ago when I met my husband that our 20 year age difference would probably be more significant the older we got, but it's just dawning on me in this last 6 months and it's depressing. I get frustrated with him and don't tell him why and then he gets upset because he knows I'm not happy about something but he has no clue as to what. I then tell him it's just not on to not shave for a week or to wear the same clothes day after day without chucking them into the laundry. He says he doesn't care and doesn't like changes but I have had to tell him he has changed, and I care. Then he says but his friends don't care and I say who is more important, your wife or your friends..........hmmm. I'm truly not trying to change him, I just want him to go back to the way he was. He tells me things two and three times over and it drives me nuts but if I tell him he already told me that he gets really upset and then I get upset he's upset. Having our son home this last week from university he really noticed the changes in his Dad and was quite upset when he talked to me about it. I told him I have discussed this with my Dr and she says we age and these changes are perfectly normal - not bothering to shave or change clothes and verbal repetition. My Dr said my husband was actually in excellent physical shape for his age or a man 20 years younger, and he does keep him mind active, so I just have to accept this. And that is what I told our son - we have to be happy with every day he is with us, and active and able to drive, etc. Calling attention to his changes only upsets him and us so we have to let it be. I have noticed if I remove his clothes from where he hangs them at night and put them in the laundry he just gets clean ones out in the morning and doesn't say anything. I told him it would make me happy if he shaved at least twice weekly and he said he just doesn't remember, so I suggested he just do it every Tues and Fri and he can do that. Lots of the time I feel 39 instead of 59 and often people who ask me my age are shocked at 'how old' I am but when did anyone last lie about being older than they are? I like to wear bikini's, shorts and tee shirts and once again wear my hair in a ponytail. I'm not ready to give in because of my age or this rotten BC!
Mary wasn't my family by blood, as I really don't have any family other than my husband and son, my true friends mean the world to me and you all who have listened to me and given me suggestions and helped me are among my most cherished friends.
My husband suggested I not be on this site anymore as I didn't have BC anymore but I disagreed. I did stop writing back in October but kept on reading. Now, having felt a little better the last few days, I owe that to all of you who are here.
I don't think BC or the fear of it will ever leave me, but if I have friends like you to help me cope, I know I can do better. I sure can't talk to my husband or son about it or anyone here. I have a dear girlfriend in Kauai where we used to live who always listens to me but she hasn't traveled this road and I hope she never does, yet she 'get's' my feelings quite well as her mom had a double mastectomy about 25 years ago (and no, she doesn't have the gene)
So again, thank you Barbe, Claire, Diane, Kate, Stanzie and hopefulhealing and all the rest of you!
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