Great saying about depression
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Just got back from my PT session. ugh! Well it seems it is always this way, partly cause of MS - people just expect everything to be weird. I don't think he can help me. Nothing makes sense. It feels like a compressed vertebrae but by X-rays - nope. Hurts horribly when I've been lying down asleep for a while- no way to recreate that. So basically confused. No answers. He did something with my neck though and now I'm really in pain. Took forever too - 2 hours! I don't like PT!
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hi guys... sorry its been solong.. 1st; Barbe and i have emailed back and forth a few times.. she found that she had cysts in her ovaries, but they're going to "watch and wait"arggghi hate that phrase!!!!
now, she's caught in that loop since they worked on the site, and can't log in...
as for me; i went through my sisters' passing, pretty much alone, my kids aren't in the least interested in what they call "my drama" (my life) well, my neice, and her dad, and sons, surprised me, and came down this weekend.. Kelly, (my neice) talked to me, and i told her i did a dnr; and she said she didn't want me to die before she saw me again. my sister and i were too sick to even visit each other bf she died..it was a dark time for me...
i feel like i got some closure this last weekend, but my oldest son wouldn't leave us alone for one minute.. i wonder what he was afraid we'd say to each other??
it was bittersweet, i got the ashes of my mom, and my sister delivered to me. now, i have to find urns, and do what?? grieve some more, it seems...
we have a whole lot going on in the next 2 weeks.. a major leak in our kitchen, which brought UGH roaches!!!needs to get fixed. thank God, the bugs are gone, but the leaks still going strong.. ten, next tuesday, we found out our building is being tented. the lady 2 doors down has termites.. WHAT A PAI this is.. we'll have to clean out the pantry, and open all drawers, boxes, of which we have too many..
im not at all up for all the hard work.. but, like we've all said, we STILL have to do it, however we can.
Justagirl.. when things calm down here, i'll shoot you my email,and we can talk.. i even got skyoe a few years ago, so i could talk to chrissy b; who is also in australia.. im usually up till 2,3,4 in the am. my sleeps so crazy now...
i love what you all have to say.. re: hubs. mines given into depression, big time. they've made a cocktail of many meds for him, but he barely can handle working right now. he comes home, has to nap, then, we have dinner, and he's in bed again..
i think i created the problem, by being too strong, for too long. we;ve actually been having big fights, because im refusing to make the phone calls, etc. anymore.. my anxiety level is too high for me to deal with ple on the phone. so, i make him do it.. but, he's NOT happpy, and lets me know.
each day, i put one foot in front of the other, and just pray things will ease up.
right now, im pretty down, but im cutting myself some slack, with my neice being here, and all thats going on.. im so glad i have you gals to "blab" to. it does help.........3jays
i
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Oh 3 jays!!!! Wow, having a lot going on is certainly an understatement. I'm sorry about your kids not being able to understand how much comfort and understand and support you need. Maybe like you said you have shown them too much strength. I so agree with makeing phone calls and just "dealing" with people - so very difficult in the best of circumstances, can't imagine with all you have going on.
I'm so sorry about your sister! How awful! And you Mom! I hope having their ashes at least gives you some comfort. I really don't have a clue what to say with all that is going on except that you continue to amaze me with your outlook on life and your ability to carry on even though at times I know you would rather just go back to bed and hide under the covers. I think it is good you are having your husband to start talking some of the pressure off you. In the long run it will give him a way to be of help and be useful and for you just taking something off your full plate would be wonderful. Just do what you can to give yourself and break. You need to take care of yourself as the stress you have been under has to be hard on your body. How are you feeling? I know emotionally you must be a wreck. Hang in there and we are all here for you and think about you often. Glad you were able to talk to Barb - hope she gets some good news soon.
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Oh 3 jays... I wish I didn't have to say this, but I relate!
Truly, I believe thats all you can do. Take it all a step at a time.
When I was first diagnosed I waited to start the chemo as I was considering going back to the UK to help my sister with my eldery parents. Both 85 at the time. My sister told me to start the chemo, she could handle things. 2 weeks after I started chemo, my Dad fell and broke his hip. My Mom had Alz and was put in a nursing home.My sister was travelling between the two of them. Just as my dad was recovering, he fell again, and broke his other hip. I couldn't believe it! How had this happened to my life? to me? Eventually both parents had to go to assisted living. The stress on my sister was huge. During my final chemo, my Mom passed away. Now my Dad is settled in a safe environment and now what??? Yes! my beloved sister was diagnosed with BC a few weeks ago! WTH??? It's invasive. She started chemo a week after diagnosis. Its crazy!! I started my reconstruction process 3 weeks ago and as soon as I recover from the surgery for new 'foobs' in a weeks time. I'll be headed to the UK to help take care of my sis when she has her double mastectomy. Her husband is crashing down around her too and they currently have 5 dogs a and 3 cats. I call it distraction.
SO the upshot is.... You are not alone... Hang in there. You have dealt with cancer. You are a strong, vital, amazing woman. Now go do something for yourself. Eat chocolate, or cabbage or whaterever you want. Whatch a funnie movie and if no one esle is laughing with you then so be it.
My son told me the other day, I can't use the cancer card now. Oh really. Well Just watch me!!!
New motto: Eat it and drink it now!
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You know I've noticed when things get bad they can really get bad - I mean an overwhelming about of bad. That has happened to me several times and I have always wondered if you are already dealing with a lot and sort of in the fog of stress then maybe you get hit with all the bad stuff at once since you are already somewhat numb then you can handle it ... I don't know this probably doesn't make a lot of sense... but it did to me at the time. Sorry you are having such a difficult time as well outsidethebox and being so far away is even harder. My heart goes out to both of you!
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Thank you Stanzie.. I kind of know what you mean. It all piles on ... you just handle it. I think in one way you just think OK what next... Oh Ok more bad stuff. My poor Dh think we are jinxed. I sometimes feel that we are coming out of it. I try so hard to stay positive, when sometimes all I want to do is run away! I'm scared to be happy because something will come along to ruin it! I'm determined to be happy a little at a time. So my treat today? A thrift shop hopoing ot find a little treasure!
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3jays and Outsidethebox I am so sorry for all the things you've had to deal with in addition to BC. 3Jays so sorry about your sister. i cant imagine the pain of such a loss. Outside sorry about your mom and your sister's diagnosis. That is terrible but at least your sister has you to talk to and share the journey with although it completely sucks..so sorry.
It does seem when it rains it pours doesnt it. Stanzie so sorry your docs havent pinpointed the cause of your back pain. Sorry PT was rough. My PS threatened me with PT when I was not really moving my right arm much (my friend a nurse ratted me out) I had ROM issues but thankfully resolved them myself. I always envision some drill sargeant military type running the PT. I feel for anyone having to do it..i know it cant be easy.
OK so I met with the new Onc today. Not only was it a very nice office (keurig coffee machine included...dont mind waiting) the staff was great and the doctor even better. DId i mention he is also a pyschologist. UGH....I definitely felt like it was a therapy session. We were chatting going through what Ive been through dates of surgeries treatments etc...then he said to me "So how are you feeling these days" to which I said pretty good a little tired but no joint pain..then he goes "No emotionally how are you processing everything youve been through" ...pass the tissues. I started and couldnt stop crying. I said no other doc has asked me that and it sort of caught me off guard. It was also hard rehashing all the dates and surgeries etc. He was great though and I really enjoyed meeting him and talking to him. Now I have to fire my current onc. UGH I dont look forward to writing this letter.
Also for anyone interested Giuliana and Bill is on tonight on Style at 8pm.
I have so much work to do that I have been staring at all day. I have a slight fever and just not up to working. I also was outside too much these past few days and my asthma is not good. Just took a singulair which makes me loopy. So I did not go to my firms after tax season party. Just not in the mood. I feel a little blah today..I think rehashing everything just brought me down a little. Oh well, compared to what others are going through its nothing..
{{{{{{Hugs}}}}} to all that need one...
Diane
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Oh Diane! Your new Doc sounds just amazing!!!! How totally wonderful! Are you sure he is real? Just kidding. I'm betting your whole body/person will do well under this doctor. I'm not surprised after tax season you would get sick - again I think we push through and hold off illness till we can let go and relax then wham it hits. So you just need to rest and be nice to your self. We all need to remember to do this occasionally. I know when I actually take time for myself I can handle life so much better and even teenagers!
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3jays so sorry it just seems like too much! You are such a couragous woman because you are putting one foot in front of the other and not giving up! We do deserve to cut ourselves slack. Especially because those who don't understand dont always.
Kate wow what next! Arthritis. I am glad they are getting it checked out with the x-ray. And glad the prognosis on the LE is better than you first thought. I wonder how many oncologist/breast surgeons measure the arms to get a baseline set of data before surgery! Mine didn't but ......... ok I better not get started about her!
Stanzie would a special mattress make any difference? It just keeps cycling in and out doesn't it...... Frustrating because there is such a sense of not being able to control anything.
Diane think how toned your are going to be with all the hauling of the mulch
Oncologist sending me to gastroenterologist and I was able to get in for this Thursday. Burning, numbness and pulling sensations. Of course my mind goes to the worst case scenario like we all do. But, I know that I can't change what is in there if anything so I am trying to reach inside my core for the peace that I know is available. I am thinking he will want to scope me as I normally get scoped every three years.
peace ladies
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3jays- HOLY CRIMINY!!!! I just want to tell the powers that be to leave you the **** alone! (Back off- she's been through enough already!) Don't know how you keep your sanity! And to think I was going to come on and whine about the crappy haircut my stylist gave me today! I'm not saying anything now.......but it is really bad.
I am sending out some prayers, good vibes, karma and ju-ju that things turn around SOON! So sorry you are dealing with so much. (((hugs)))outsidethebox- CRIKEY! You, too- poor thing. I say use the cancer card whenever possible and your sister, too. Sorry she's going to go through all this, too, but she's lucky to have you by her side. And BTW- I LOVE your motto!
Diane- OMG! I would have been bawling, too. Not a single doctor, nurse or anyone else has ever ask me that question in the past 2 years. So glad you found someone so compassionate and caring (and the K-cups are a nice little bonus). Sorry you're feeling icky. Hope it's better tomorrow.
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}}}}}}}} I feel the hugs and sending back to you all!Thanks you ladies. Yes it never rains but it pours!
Diane, Funny thing but the chemo cured my asthma. Stopped taking singulair for a whole year and didn't use an inhaler once. Beloved Onc nurse told me it would come back. It did! Back on singulair again but it was a nice break. Hug your new doc while you can. It suprises them.
Kate: Thankyou sweetie. My eat it today was PB and Banana with Nuttella. Yummie! and my drink will be glass of white wine as I cook dinner for my boys and listen as they complain about their day. Depression... whats that?
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Kate- Are you going British on us with all this bad news? Sorry just couldn't resist!
or it must be the new hair cut! Page boy? sorry again.... a bit loopy with the pain meds...Hopeful - oooh that doesn't sound good... we can tell you are worried even though you try and always lift us up... GI stuff is never fun at all. However I know like all of us our mind goes immediately to scary stuff ,but the GI tract is so complicated and can be so many different things.... I hope you get good news and answers to the pain and burning very soon. I'm so sorry you are having such a difficult time. I'm on the three year scope schedule also. Please let us know what the Doc says. Wondering can they tell anything without scope? I mean like X-rays or anything... probably now, why would a test be easy? Thinking of you and will send good thoughts and prayers your way.
No, mattresses don't make a difference but found out this afternoon after feeling like I was run over by several trucks I was lying on my side and I think lying on either hip is causing the pain... so at least so information is good!
Oh Diane - forgot about all your mulch hauling.... Wow! actually I cannot imagine how on earth you can move after doing all that. I've seen your picture and you are not a body builder or hulking woman but a quite small and petite woman so you did this how??? Well shoot I think I'd be more surprised if you didn't feel bad....
Hang in there!!!! It will have to get better, right?
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You ladiies are the best!
Hopeful I am so sorry you are having GI issues. yes keep us posted and will be thinking of you thursday and sending positive vibes your way!! I hope it turns out to be nothing that a tums cant cure.
Outside.My asthma got better for a while too but I thought it was just cause I was super cautious. I just started taking Singulair around the holidays. And its funny cause before every surgery i would have a really bad asthma attack and in fact had one during surgery that my doctor freaked out about and not once did I think stress was triggering it ...but it was and it started interferring with my sleep so the singulair has been a life saver.
Stanzie I know I told you this before but I would give acupuncture a whirl. There were times I could only stand sitting and laying down were not an option. My friend came over did a 90 minute session and I felt like a new woman. I mean I was literally in tears from the pain. I think that was when Charlie threw my back out.
Ok I want to take a quick survey ...so my new onc talked to me about doing genetic testing cause when I was first diagnosed I was like I already have cancer I dont need to know if I have the gene. But now after my 15 year old niece asked me if she could get BC it got me thinking that maybe I should do it since it helps determine if anyone else in my family sisters or nieces have the same gene. BUT I really dont want to do and wait for more test results and if it is positive for BRCA gene then I gotta hear my docs once again leaning on me to have my ovaries removed. Which at the moment is not an option under any circumstances. So if anyone out there has had the test and what to expect from it I would appreciate sharing. If you prefer to PM me thats fine too. I am just torn about doing it...especially when I feel like I am in a healing place.
thoughts???
Diane
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thank youladies, for all the support.. @kate: a bad haircut is only 2 weeks away from a good haircut.. (as long as its still growing lol).. i used to get really freaked out when they cut it too short.. now, i wear wigs aaarrrgghhh.. its bad enought to feel depressed, somehow the hair "thing" gets us women going the most.. i got a new wig styled today.. actually, and old one restyled.. the hairdresser who shaved my head for chemo, mentioned she cut wigs.. and, im still getting them restyled.. they're (mostly) ols wigs that ple have donated, but i condition the hell out of them, and a new style, they're like new.. so, that was my pickup for today.
we cleaned 1/2 of the kitchen pantry out, for the tenting, and the handymans coming tommorrow to fix the kitchen leak.. so, the way i look at it, my house will be really picked up, and fixed, soon.
@outside the box.. i'm so sorry life as been so hard on you. and your sister now.. well, at least you 'll know what to say/do.. its really tuff, though.
brings me toDianes' question.. every female in my family, other than my neice, has had bc. and one nephew had testicular, which they say is a male form of bc.. well, because of my neice, Kelly, i had the braca testing.. guess what? i don't have the gene///
i think, when/if you're ready, you can have it done.. its a blood test.. BUT, its very expensive, so make sure your ins will pay for it..
in my case, they think we all swam in a lake that a brewery dumped into .."Black Label Beer... brewed on the shores of lake chichituate" was their slogan.. and we ALL swam and partied there.. even my nana, who taught me to swim there.. so, thats' what we all had in common..
never thought of that, till i had a neg brca test.. ps my neice didn't swim there, they moved before she was pld enough to learn.. thank God!!!
im so glad you gals DO get it, i don't feel any braver, or gutsier than any of the women here, certainly, there are braver.. but none more stubbornlol
i just feel if i got the cancer to ned, well, if God did, then its' up to me to enjoy whatever life i've got left. good, or bad....3jays
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Stanzie- The CRIKEY was because outsidethebox said she's heading to the UK!
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I thought Crikey was an Aussie saying..you know like the crocodile Hunter.
LOL I am sleepy but wanted to pop in to say I just wrote my current onc to fire him and the new onc a letter to thank him for today. OH and btw he asked me what I do for support and I told him about you ladies. He thought it was a great idea....where my other onc told me to stay off these sites.
Ok good night...
D
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Not sure about crikey. Our friends are from London and I've heard them use it before. Maybe it's both?
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Diane I hope your old PS will really read what you wrote to know how he needs to change!
Thanks friends for your support about my appt. tomorrow. I appreciate it so very much. I can't talk to others about this besides my hero husband.
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Hopeful, good luck with appt.
Kate, You are correct. FYI ' Crikey a term meant to express suprise/astonishment/warning'. Oxford dictionary.
Australian- 'Crike, thats a big crocodile!'
British- Crikey! Thats an expensive dress'
There you go girl.
Didel; Funny thing about the asthma eh? Don't forget to hug your new doc.
3jays;
hope you get your leak fixed soon.
My onc doc also asked me to consider gettting the gene test but its so expensive over $3000 apparently. I'm looking to my ins too. and I'd would be interested in whqat others think too.
OK Gotta go and have a cup of tea I guess, to live up to my Brit roots.
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Hey all! Hopeful it was a new medical oncologist I got and yes I just finished the letter to my former one letting him know that I am changing and exactly why. I am sure in the big scheme of things he wont be affected but hopefully someone will benefit from my bitching.
OK can I just tell you how lovely I look today. I have a big fat sty in my eye..its all red and swollen and disgusting. I suspect it got infected from the MULCH..that damn mulch. I knew I should have hired someone to do it instead.
but I was trying to save money. I bought a new oven today and while it sucks that I needed one...I am so excited about it! I love baking and have just missed my cupcakes. It will be delivered on Monday!!!!! Cupcakes for everyone!!!!!!!!!!!!!Hope everyone is having a good night. Thanks to those who PMd and responded to my Genetic Testing questions. I think I will let the insurance company decide. If they pay for it I will get it done. If not I will not do it and let it go.
Kate I cant imagine your hair looks bad...like someone else said...if its too short now it will be perfect in two weeks.
Claaaairrrrrreee where are youuuuu??? I am about to start some stalking.
Good night all...
Diane
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Hopeful good luck tomorrow with your gastro appointment!!! Will be thinking of you!
Di
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water leak got fixed today, and after speaking to the landlord, whos' an MD, he understands they can't leave moldy cabinets.. so after the tenting, they'll be taking them apart, and fixing, or replacing them.. one down.. check!!!
its all a little overwhelming.. but, i gotta just do it. i take pain meds at 5 am, and sleep them off till 12.. now, im overtired, and depressed, weepy.. when i can get left alone ( i hope today) and get some sleep, im sure things will look brighter... there's still so much work to get done before they tent!!!WHEN will life settle down?? grrrrrrrr3jays
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so aggravated at my shrink at the VA. Celexa or Tamoxifen is making me more depressed and causing more anxiety for the past few weeks. wants me to wean off the AD for a few days and stop taking it. doesn't want me to take any thing but go for CBT with the psychologist. oh, really? WTH!
screw THAT...made an appt with a private shrink off my med insurance. there's NO reason for me to suffer. I need some SLEEP. either sleeping too much or insomnia, it vascilates between the two. arrrgh
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Galsal I blame T for virtually everything and no you should not suffer. I hope a new therapist can help you find the right drug. You have to be careful though on Tamoxifen as lots of anti D's dont mix. I think Lexapro and Effexor are you only other options.
3jays you've just been through so much but glad the landlord is sympathetic to your needs.
Hope everyone is having a peaceful day...Hopeful how was your appointment...please let us know. Kate you had a test today too as I recall...any news on your xray of your shoulder??
Diane
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Update, the gastro thinks it may be muscular/skelatal in nature. Take Aleve twice a day for two days for a week. If no relief then a scope and CT scan. But I don't think he really thinks it is gastro. He understands with my cancer history that we need to rule things out.
The non specific vagueness of the symptoms I told him scare me because it seems those are the times things get missed and then boom you are late stage with something. So I am going to try the Aleve and pray it all goes away. Thanks so much for your support and I can keep it posted.
3jays so glad things are getting fixed.
Galsal I hope you can get it straightened out. I am on Tamoxifen and have horrible night sweats, insomnia, hot flashes and mood changes. I occassionaly take an Ativan or Ambien to get a good nights sleep. Not every night because I don't want to get dependent on them but when I really need to.
Diane I hope your eye gets better!
take gentle care ladies
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Hopeful - Wow, I know you were hoping to get something more definate as far as answers. So Aleve to help with muscle pain? Hmmm. Do you still have an onc? Or maybe I'm forgetting things did the onc say to go to a gastro? Sounded like you were in more pain that just to be told to take Aleve... but hopefully he is correct and you start to feel better quickly.
I just don't know about PT. He said he needed to re-create the pain in order to treat it but it happens after I've been lying down for quite a while... so he has me lie down about a minute and says Ok are you in pain - No! The exercises he had me do for my neck cause way more pain so that doesn't seem correct. Also just so concerned about the costs involved. My auto medical pays out first but they will go through that pretty quickly then it goes to my insurance. So if I'm not at fault why do I have to use up all my medical insurance? I just do not understand this and can't seem to get any answerers. The lawyer says well after all is done then they will settle and hopefully I'll get paid something... well fine but even if I do I have already used up my auto medical and gone further into my lifetime medical with insurance what with MS is not OK. I have No idea how much I will need in the future but I do know with my MRI's and my meds I'm rapidly going through it so why does this come out of my medical. I just don't understand....
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Thanks all. I'm not one to take things lying down, just because a Dr "god" said so
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Where is everybody today????
Kaaaatttteee?? Hopeful?? Staaaannnzie??? How are you ladies feeling?
kate did you get your xray results??
I am sitting here looking at my beautifully waxed floors which is what I did today while Charlie was in daycare and Sadie was in his crate to avoid kitty paw prints. Tonight is a gorgeous night and I am sitting here with all the windows open having a glass of wine.
Hope you ladies are having a good night tonight
Diane
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Diane: I'm here and supposed to be doing housework. I envy your waxed floors! How is your sty? There is a warning on potting mix about not inhaling fumes? from it but I am sure your sty came from a piece of the mulch flying up to your eye or you accidentally touching your eye while spreading the mulch.
How are you Stanzie? Be sure and not sign off on your car accident claim until you feel ok.
Kate: xray results?
Anyone else with anything going on?
And CLAIRE: where are you?
3Jays: I know what you are going through with practically having to move out of your home. That's what is keeping me from downsizing to a smaller property and a smaller home - the idea of cleaning out and moving.
I truly believe getting hit with BC has weakened all of us strong women with our ability to nonchalantly handle every day stress, pressure and BS like we did before BC. All I want in a day is peace and happiness and sometimes it seems like the whole world is against me.
Diane - you deserve a beautiful night and a glass of wine. You aren't alone, you have Charlie and Sadie and I'm sure they give you as much comfort as Jaki and Fred do for me. Also, thank you for the lesson on posting pictures. I wanted you to see where I live and my animals but I guess I am a failure. Anyone interested, go to facebook and put in Debra Lefkowitz and I'll friend you.
Enjoy your weekend!
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DEEEEEBBBBBBIIIIIIIEEEE ...ha ha! I was at my local watering hole sans make up..and it was karaoke night and a friends bday...not a good combo.. haha made for interesting music. My sty continues to be disgusting but so much better than a few days ago. i still dont want to put makeup on however. But my local watering hole doesnt require makeup for me to be "pretty" in the bar. PS my floors look prettier than me...I am so happy. Now if only I could train Charlie to wipe his feet when he comes in from the rain and his mouth after he drinks. Today though I was home with Sadie all day and God bless her she was so nervous to play and enjoy herself in fear of the beast swooping in and stealing her toys. Ok I may have had a few adult beverages... I am a little tipsy and will so pay for this in the morning...more precisely 7am when Charlie wants out.
Ok Kate where are you???,...I hope everything is ok.
I found out tonight my precious angel niece got a concussion at yesterdays lax game and is now out of hockey and lax for two weeks ..booo. Did I ever mention she was invited to join FUTURES in field hockey which is future scholarship...future olympian...she is essentially playing with the coaches/former players of the USA field hockey team and i was alll excited to see her play this weekend...now she cant so I guess i will wait another three weeks to see my girl in action.
Good night all or G'day Debbie!!
Diane
ps - I heart red bull and cherry vodka
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