Great saying about depression
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Hey girls- Sorry I haven't been on. I've just been busy. Yesterday my Mom and I had a mother daughter day of shopping and lunch. I can't remember the last time I had her all to myself. Anyway, no X-ray results yet. I kind of thought the doctor would have called today. I'm trying to not worry about it as she said she just thought it was arthritis. I also had some blood work done and am having an US of my thyroid on Monday. I'll let you know if I have any news. The good news is my LE treatment is going great. I already have decreased swelling and the pain is sooooo much better! Hope everyone has a great weekend!
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Kate, Wow, glad to hear you are receiving some positive effects from your LE treatment! Keep us posted on the other results.
Naughty Diane: you are too funny - and here I thought you were home without another human around. A couple of ideas for Charlie that helped me with Jaki: I put an absorbent rug outside right in front of her dog flap and one inside the house too. They do catch the icky mud and sticky stuff. If she comes in and it's been raining, as she hits the dog flap I say 'Jaki wet' and she comes in and sits on the inside rug until I can get to her and dry her off. I then tell her what a wonderful girl she is and it works! As for the drinking water, Jaki is the sloppiest water drinker of any dog I have ever had. I have purchased a very deep plastic bowl with high sides and don't even fill it half way up and have it in the corner of the kitchen with an old bathroom hand towel under it, which seems to catch most of the drips. I was actually slipping and falling on the hard kitchen tiles until I figured this out. Towel does have to be changed every couple of days.
Actually Diane, you are cute when you've had a sip or two and I surely think you deserve it after the rush of tax season and lifting and spreading all that mulch! Sorry to hear about your niece but it sounds like she can have a promising future and I'm sure her proud Auntie will be cheering all the way.
Galsal: I don't know you but good for you to not just blindly accept what a doctor says as the absolute truth and the only solution/answer. We need to be our own best advocate and sometimes go beyond where others wouldn't think or want to go to seek what we need to know to feel comfortable.
hopefulhealing: I've really taken to heart what you said about waking up and giving thanks for the good things I have and at least trying to start the day positive, and I have to say, since doing this about 4 days ago, I have felt much better and not so depressed all the time. In fact, and I'm almost scared to say it, I have actually had periods of feeling joyful and happy. Hmmmm.....
Stanzie: as to recreating your pain while in the PT's office, well, of course you can't make it happen. A suggestion given to me years ago to work out the why's and how's of my migraines was to keep a daily log of what I did, when I felt pain, what I took for it, when it went away, and I included code words like' Max-stress' , which would mean my teenage son had really gotten me upset. It doesn't have to be super detailed and I found doing it just before bed worked well. Then my Dr and I could look at it and see what might be a trigger or a combination of things that would trigger a migraine. Now I'm doing it again for my slipped disc and sciatic pain.
Sorry this was so long......
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Morning everyone!!
Debbie so glad you are feeling better. I know some days I do have to put more effort into staying upbeat. I know I have a lot to be grateful for but some days its just hard to remember that.
Kate glad you had such a nice day with your mom. I would ask the radiologist onsite when you have your US some questions about what he/she is looking for.. if he sees anything abnormal.
Ok it needs to rain here as forecasted so I can clean my closets today.
Have a good weekend everyone!!
Diane
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Debbie just noticed you are a fellow Virgo.....I am a typical...everything they say about Virgos is me kind of Virgo.
I did charity work for The Childrens Cancer Foundation here in baltimore and the head of the Foundation is also a Virgo and she would always say....Diane people just dont think like us...like Virgos were superior to average humans..I swear she meant it too. She is funny.Thats all...
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Last night I was on my Ipad and it's too hard to type on that thing. I wanted to post some longer responses today. I stalked Claire (sorry about that, Claire!) and on another thread she said she was going on a road trip to visit her sisters so maybe she is still on that? Hope she's off having a wonderful time!
I find myself being a little more upbeat, lately, too. I think just the decrease in the LE pain has helped so much. I was really reaching my limit with the pain and it's so draining there's nothing left to give at those times. It is so much better today!
Speaking of pain-
Stanzie- A PT should absolutely never be trying to replicate your pain. Nothing they should be doing should cause extreme pain. I was told over and over again that if it's too painful back off from what you're doing. Pain will only make things worse. I know we've all heard the expression, no pain/no gain, but that is different. That is the sore muscles afterwards from a good workout. If you're having pain during PT then something is wrong. If possible, I would find a new PT. My first LE therapist was having me do things that were painful and she caused my LE to become worse not better. Sometimes you have to try a few different therapists before you find one who's right for you. Do you have a doctor for your MS? I would ask them if they have a PT they would recommend who works with MS patients. They would know then the proper way to treat you. I'm sorry you're having to deal with all this because of someone else's mistake. I know it can be overwhelming. (((hugs)))
Diane- Forgot to comment.....WAXED FLOORS? I'm so jealous! I'm not supposed to do anything strenuous with my arms until I get my sleeves, not even vacuuming, so you can only imagine what my floors look like right now! It doesn't help I live with 2 dogs and 1 1/2 men. I'm going to have to start delegating! lol!
Hopeful- Is the Aleve starting to work at all? Hope you're getting some relief!
Galsal- I understand the frustration of trying to find a balance with sleep. And when it's off balance it throws everything else out of wack. I hope you can find something that works for you.
3jays- Hope your life is settling down a little bit now. I find as each issue gets resolved it gives me a little more strength and focus for the rest. Hope you find this, too.
Debbie- So glad you are posting again as you bring so much to all of us here!
I'm off to spend the day with my Mom, again, and my sister! My Mom needs new glasses so we're going to help her pick some out. My shopping day with her on Thursday I took her for her first bra fitting and she's 72! We went to Nordstrom's and they were so wonderful with her. She spent $500 on bras!!!! Go Mom!
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Oh Kate!!! What a sweet thing to share with your Mom!!! I love that!
Thanks for all the PT advice.... the problem is it is through car insurance and medical but hopefully will some how be put through with the guy at fault's insurance - still totally confused how all this works other than it doesn't seem to be in my favor. Also worry cause it isn't worse they might not pay at all then I'll really be in trouble...
Well wanted to comment on other things but can't go back a page. I know some people know how to do this on word and save it but ... well I'm just not that good with computers...
Today is my 30th college reunion and I'm not going. I was fine with it till a friends who went away when I got divorced left a message... Just don't even want to go there...
So tired these days....
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Kate: yes delegate the vacuuming and other heavy chores. I had to ask my husband to vacuum and he didn't even know where I kept it! I have to say he didn't do such a great job but he hit the middle areas but after about 6 weeks I just had to get in there and do it myself. I wouldn't know what it's like to have a Mom since mine died when I was 10. It's nice to read that you enjoy spending time with yours.
Diane: yes, you found out - I am a Virgo and I guess a 'true' Virgo at that, also, a lot of 'A' type personality. My husband says there is my way or the wrong way and he is so smart to of figured that out - guess that's why we have been married 29 years...and if he forgets this next wedding anniversary I swear I will do more than shout and get pissed off and hurt.
I have to say I think my virgo-ness has stood me in good steed. I am the only one in my family to of finished high school and I finished university too. I think it was my hard-headedness that got me through the 3 bank robberies that occurred during my 8 years working in a bank, being robbed at knifepoint in a parking lot, two hurricanes on Kauai which destroyed our home, IVF at 40 to get my son, moves from San Francisco to Los Angeles to Kauai to New Zealand and finally to Australia. Now I just need all that moxy to get me to the other side of this and I know with all of you and your support I can do this too.. I would love to go back to training and doing triathlons, but realize the physical part is too stressful on my body so I'll work on being the fittest 59 year old lady I can be - mentally and physically!
I still like the idea of us getting together one day and having a week-long pajama party!
Stanzie, be kind to yourself. With teenagers in the house, it requires a lot of energy and flexibility so try every day and spend even a half hour doing something just for you!
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ladies: I'm OFFICIALLY losing my mind!!!!the last wo days, we dug up, and potted eight or nine trees, and climbing roses bushes, then moved all the hanging baskets over to my neighbors yard.. she's a gem. for letting us put it all over there.. of course, my le truncal,hands, and arms are astronomical right now, but i'll be wrapping when we're all done. wearing really dirty gloves, and sleeves, for now..
now, tonight, and all day tommorrow will be spent finding all the ,eds we stashed everywhere when my addict son comes.. i can't remember my hiding spots..!!
then, every draw, box . wrapped in plastic container has to be opened.. oh my word!!!WHAT a job!!!
thankfully, we're going to ahotel for 3, 4 days. then, we have to do it all in reverse. i told the handyman to give me some time. im determined to take advantage of the whole house being torn up, to sort, pack right, and donate TONS of stuff. it really HAS shown me how uneccesary all this stuff is, and how imp the garden is to my Hubs and i...
so, today was my 21st wedding anniversary, and I FORGOT!!!(thats one for the books)
my DH spent too much on a dollcase, this week, and i couldn't figure out why, in the middle of this mess hed get it... duh!!!
a friend gave me a 3 ft tall doll a few yrs ago.. like over a grand!!!so, she now has a wonderful cabinet to be displayed in, and i got to send two other cabinets to the consigment store...
Mur dissappeared for a few hrs today, and i was annoyed, and a little worried.. God bless him, he came home with 2 dozen yellow (tipped in red) roses for me.. He truly is a thoughtful guy, and i know my anxiety disorder is in high gear with all this nonsense..
talk about being grateful.. today is also the anniv of my bmx.. 3 yrs.. yes, they did it on my wedding anniversary!!!
so, really, I'm a very blessed, if a bit haggard and anxious woman!!!gla d you're all doing well..
Stanzie: when we got a lawyer, was when Mur got the proper tx in pt, not before, and then, they'll get "pain and suffering" etc.. over the medical bills.. ck into one, please, if only to try to figure out how the system works with no fault!!! have a great sunday, ladies..3jays
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3Jays HAPPY Anniversary!!!!! Congratulations on your 3 years out as well. I cant believe you did it on your anniversary but at least it gives a positive thing to reflect on that day other than the loss of BC. I am sorry you are scrambling around ...you seem to just have so much on you these days. Your sweet DH is wonderful for bringing you such a lovely thoughtful gift. I hope you enjoy this day!!
Ugh tomorrow is monday...BUT I get my new oven!! Waaaahhoooo I will be baking tomorrow night in celebration.
Hugs to all!
Diane
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I forgot to mention.. KATE I cant believe your mom spent all that on bras!! Thats awesome..she mustve felt good. After my mx I bumped up a size but some bras still fit me. I have/had quite a collection but had to get rid of 75% of them...my twin sister was very happy. I have to say it did feel good to go out an buy a bunch more.
Debbie you have certainly endured a lot...you are a strong woman!!!!
Love you ladies!!
Diane
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3 jays- you sound so happy with all the gardening work!!! I Love that! You can just hear the joy with a bit of exhaustion in there... I'm sure you both are very proud and the best part is the garden will just get prettier with time! It is the kind of gift that keeps giving all positive and lovely! And happy earth day!
Happy Anniversary to you both! Love that he went and brought you lovely flowers - very sweet and romantic. Congratulations on the BC anniversary as well.
Glad you are going to a hotel. Good luck on getting rid of stuff- I keep telling myself that is what I'm going to do but so far haven't done it. Shoot there is some horrible noise, think it is my fridge - better go check!
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Sorry to drop off the planet there. . .I went up to see my sisters in Virginia for a week.( and then we drove up for a couple of days to Pennsylvania to do some genealogy research.) I drove up and back to VA by myself and I will have to say it was kind of fun going rogue traveling all over the place alone. I traveled with the windows down and the radio loud, singing like a madwoman. Came home for a few days and then on Thursday, I drove up to Atlanta with my MIL, her sister, and her niece. Girls' weekend. Didn't do a whole lot but yack and drink wine. So now I am home and realize that I have spent the last 5 months vegging and letting my mind heal but that's about all that I have accomplished. My DH has been very, very generous in letting me rehab my sanity. I'm beginning to feel a little guilty for not having anything to show for the last few months. NOW, I know you ladies get this brain vacation, but the outside world is beginning to look at me like I am just plain lazy. One of my friends even called me Kramer on FB. Whatever.
I am sorry that I haven't been here to share in everyone's trials and tribulations. 3Jays--I just want to hug you so much!! You are braver than you know. Congrats on the 3 years--you do have a keeper for a DH too!! And Kate your mom sure knows how to shop!! woo-hoo! And yes you can stalk me anytime!! Diane, I am jealous of your pup, my old fogey dog growls at night when you get near her. She's psycho. During the day, she is the most loving mutt, but at night---stay at of her way!! Stanzie, hopeful, debbie and anyone I forgetfully didn't name--I hope you're all doing well and I promise to be a little more, uh, here.
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Claire your trip sounds Awesome...wish i knew you were gonna be up this way. i would have met up with you somewhere between VA and PA ...oh wait thats Maryland!!! LOL ..sounds like a great time. glad you got to have such a wonderful peaceful visit with your sisters. You know none of us think you should feel the least bit guilty. You deserve a little time to yourself and I am glad you sweet hubby let you do that. Just next time you go on the road take a wi-fi computer with ya and check in every now and again....we missed you.
Its been such a gross rainy day here and I am soooooo bored with myself. Getting ready for bed then ...back to work tomorrow. Hopefully it will be an easy day.
Hope you all have a good Monday!
Diane
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3jaysmom: Happy, happy, happy anniversary! Your dh sounds like a keeper! Even though it has been a lot of work, maybe having to get ready for the termite fumigation gave you an excuse to clean out clutter and restore order and priority into your life. Like you, I love my garden - there is nothing better than being outside with my girl (dog Jaki)
Kate: your Mom really spent $500 on bras? That must make her a yummy mummy! If it makes her feel good, that's all that matters. I destroy my clothes so fast that the only thing I spend money on is my running shoes and after they are used up for that then I use them for gardening until they fall apart.
Diane: I have oven envy. You will once again become the 'cupcake queen'
Claire, oh Claire: I am so glad to hear you are ok. Your solo driving journey sounds like you quite enjoyed yourself and I get this mental picture of you driving along and turning up the music to a song you like and singing out loud with a smile on your face. Goody! You really have needed this time to rest and rejuvenate before you start on the search for another job. I'm sure your DH realizes how important and how much you needed this time and doesn't consider that you have been just sitting around and doing nothing. You needed some healing time.
I'm off to read for a while and try to sleep.
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Ack Claire!!!! wish I had known you were in Atlanta! Would have loved to have met you in person. I know you were only here for a short time.... sigh... Glad you had a wonderful get away - Just what we all need at times. I love doing that driving and singing and such! How fun.Glad you are all right!
Brrr woke up this morning and it is soooo cold - tonight colder then back to the 80's! how weird. Ok, so my dog found a half eaten chipmunk and delighted in throwing it around in the yard - however when he ran inside with it - I about lost it! It is bad enough the cat brings them in live and we have to hunt them down but this was truely not a lovely way to start the week... Ick, I'm still so grossed out!
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Hi everyone!
Diane too funny! Hope the sty keeps getting better. Floors sound beautiful. Our dog has totally destroyed our wood floors. But I just call the scratches patina ha.
justagirl so very glad you are finding some peace and times of joy. They are there we just have to keep our hearts and minds open to them. So very very hard on some days. But we keep trying and that is what counts.
I think you are all just so INCREDIBLE. I am so blessed to have you in my life.
Kate so glad the LE is going down!!!!!
Stanzie that is a great idea from justagirl. Keeping the log. Because it can be so hard to pin point things. I hope they can get to the bottom of it! And the car insurance/med insurance is so frustrating. Why isn't the other drivers car insurance covering all of this?
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Stanzie- Is there anyone at your own insurance company that can help you with all this? It would seem that whatever the other guy's company isn't paying for yours would have to pick up the slack. Seems like it would be in their best interest to help you. Not sure, though, how it all works. The only accident I've been in I was hit by an uninsured driver who was in the country illegally. (Lucky me!) My insurance company covered everything even reimbursing me for the sick leave I had to take. Your company might be able to at least advise you on how it's all supposed to work. Sorry, I know how stressful insurance stuff can be.
3jays- So nice that in all the chaos you can share some moments of sweetness with your DH. Those are the things we need to hang onto when everything else is so crazy! Happy Anniversary to you both!
Claire- I sometimes feel so guilty for not working right now, too. I feel like it's taken me twice as long to recover emotionally than it did physically. I keep telling myself there aren't any jobs out there, anyway, but I know it's that I don't feel ready. Not sure I have the energy to be "on" for 8 hours a day. Sometimes I feel like I need to take babysteps and just volunteer somewhere one day a week but can't seem to even muster the energy for that.
I find myself struggling, lately, in social situations. Maybe it's just from being isolated for so long that it's difficult to make small talk. Partly because I find it hard to find things to talk about and partly because I just don't want to. A couple that we know invited us over for dinner last night to thank my DH for helping them with some computer stuff. Normally we see them in a group situation and I find it's easier to blend in. (No one really notices if you're not talking or if you sneak away for awhile.) But after a few hours of just the four of us I was really struggling. I found I couldn't wait to get home. Anyone else dealing with this? Don't know if it's a BC thing or just me.
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Kate, no I don't think it is just you. You have experienced so much that no one has most likely, that you socialize with. How can they understand that right now your whole world is comprised of dealing with BC and the aftermath. Or if not your whole world a good part of it. We have been touched by a disease that forces to change both physically and emotionally as we learn to tread the slippery slopes of BC. I find I am most comfortable with other women and couples that have faced this. We have not gotten comfortable in our own skin yet. We haven't been able to get to the point that we are not constantly dealing with the side effects of the physical treatment and for some the meds. I think it takes a long time to get to that point. I keep saying when we are all done with recon and meds it will be different.
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hope- I was done with recon and meds but feel like the LE dx has thrown me back into the vortex once again. All the stages of grief of the BC are now being reapplied to the LE and I think I'm in the anger stage right now. It's really hard because the majority of people have never even heard of LE so don't get how devastating it can be. It's hard enough when they don't get it about BC but at least they've heard of it. A few friends have asked about it but they look at me, I look the same, so they assume all is o.k. When I tried to talk to my friend last night about it all she could say is, "Well, you look great!" Wow! Really? My arm feels like it weighs 50 lbs and hurts like hell tonight but, hey, as long as I look great that's what's important. I know she meant well but with the anger comes a lack of patience. I hate feeling this way.
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Kate, I know. I think some of it is people just can't understand how much it impacts you. Doctors don't understand LE either! And when the complication is the result of someone else's mistake it is even harder and the anger flares off and on for a long time. That is what happens to me when I think of all I lost and the extra surgeries etc due to someone elses mistake. You don't want to have to explain and explain. You get tired of people minimizing what you are dealing with because they don't get it.
It is so easy for people to minimize because they are intact. So the anger is understandable. I keep saying BC cycles in and out as far as the grief process. Because it keeps affecting us. So those stages come and go. Some with more intensity on some days etc. I am so sorry you are dealing with this. I wish you could find a good support group of women that have gone through or are going through BC/LE/Mastectomy.......... I am not a support group person but I go to a Mastectomy Support group and it has been so so helpful for me and I in turn help newbies.
I am sending you a huge hug
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Aww Kate so sorry are feeling beaten down. I can relate. And it is so funny when I ordered my medical alert bracelet for no BP or injections in my right arm my Onc was like "you dont need that you only had 2 axill nodes removed...and senitnal nodes (6) doesnt cause LE. So I said well my BS recommended it especially since i live and spend a lot of time alone. Also hello how the hell does a male doctor who has never been through this know SN removal wont cause LE.. I am not taking any chances. On that note I am meeting with the LE therapist Friday to do another evaluation and She recommended a sleeve so I will get that for strenuous activities and flying. Hang in there Kate...once the swelling goes down and you get your sleeves you will feel better...just one for freaking thing that will take time. I dont blame you for your anger. No one really talked about LE before my mx..until I asked to explain it. Of course before surgery and SNB you dont know if any are going to be removed until you wake up. I know after my mx my right arm definitely was very swollen and sore...my docs all said it was just fluid build up and thankfully it went down right a way but the thought of a giant swollen arm is SCARY! Any word on your xray and blood work?? How was your thyroid appointment???
Hopeful well put ...as usual. I think I definitely have been cycling through the stages. I dont think it will ever end. I am not a support group person either that is why I love BCO. My new onc referred me to Hopkins Survivorship website if I didnt want to attend a meeting in person...which I told him I would never do so dont push it. I did check out the website but I like BCO better. Easier to navigate and I like meeting people from all over not just from one facility to share your experiences.
Stanzie the weather here has been COMPLETELY miserable these last two days. Cold and pouring down rain. It actually snowed in the mountains of western MD. Crazy! It was almost 90 degrees last Monday.
Ok ladies...I GOT MY OVEN!!!!!!!!!!!!! Its gorgeous and I can not wait to bake my first batch of cupcakes!! I made my crack caramel cupcakes last week for my GF's daughters party and she said everyone was going on and on about how delish they were..then she asked if I would give out the recipe...to which I just laughed and laughed. I dont even give it out to my twin sister!! Now I gotta get a new fridge...dishwasher and microwave/range thingy above the oven. My kitchen looks crazy with stainless steel oven, white fridge and black dishwasher. UGH someday I will have the kitchen of my dreams.
I hope you all are having a nice Monday...despite the fact that its Monday.
Hugs to all!!
Diane
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Oh Kate!!! I am so so sorry! It is just that it is so unfair! I just hate that this happened to you just when you were finally starting to feel OK about everything and then with all you are dealing with concerning your husband's illness- no wonder you are angry! I'm angry for you as well! It is just so wrong- all of it! Anyway as always we are here for you! Wish I could give you a big hug in person and be someone at those parties who can say Oh my I have heard all about that - what all are you dealing with? I know in the past sometimes if I knew someone was ill I was careful on asking too much... but yes unless you know them well of course there is still a line not to cross. But wow, now at least I know to ask really how they are, what all is involved, what is helpful ... etc... I know you can't do that if you don't know them well but I remember a friend of mine who I knew pretty well but didn't really know her husband, Well he had some strange thing going on with his ears - it was connected to some illness and I wish I had just given her time to talk about what she is dealing with. I hope I did, I don't really remember but I hope I did....
Kate, also I agree social situations are just difficult. I have always been more of an introvert and since my divorce I feel like sometimes I'm the shunned divorcee! So when I am in social situations I'm very nervous and shy.... I sometimes feel like such an alien and that there is nothing I can relate to with others. But then I have this friend who lives down the street and she cracks me up as she will talk to anyone and everyone and she is just wonderful to watch.... I'm hoping to learn from her...
anyway, Kate, thinking of you!
Diane- wow a baker with a new oven - you must be estatic! oooh show us a picture of the cupcakes if you can - we promise we will Not ask you for the recipe! And waxed floors.... sign my puppy is taking a toll on my pretty floors
No clue how to stop that or him stealing everything off the countertops! Dashcunds do NOT do that!!! I had no idea! Ack! 0 -
Stanzie I will be baking Wednesday...will post pics then. I was lucky with Charlie even though he is a big dog he does not jump. I nipped that at an early age through 5 weeks of training. Since he is a breed that lives to please his master if I ignore him and turn my back on him when he is jumping he learned not to jump. Also when you start that exercise...you keep puppy on a leash and step on it so he cant jump. See if turning your back on cute little Alfie gets the message through. I was at my friends delivering cupcakes Friday and her damn lab jumps all the time and is bigger than me..jumped up and practically knocked my teeth out of my mouth. It hurt so bad esp with braces newly tightened I wanted to cry. One time she jumped up and chipped my tooth. My friend Deb and I use the same dentist so when I had it fixed she instructed the dentist to send her the bill and they promptly signed up for training classes...however they didnt do their homework. She is still a jumper. Big dogs just shouldnt jump...as my trainer would say..its rude behaviour. LOL
Charlie used to steal stuff ...snotty tissues and qtips were amongst his favorites..he never stole food.. Oh I use the Leave It command. People are amazed at how he doesnt beg or swipe stuff off the tables or counters as he can certainly reach. The Leave It command initially referred to Sadie...my poor sweet kitty. He used to just lick her all over and she always looked so scared. That was a life saver command. Your little Alfie will get bored and move on to other tricks I am sure. I have so many toys and chewy things for Charlie he is too busy playing with his stuff to get into mine.
Kate I also forgot to mention in regard to your friend...she sounds well meaning but yeah just doesnt get it. I just dont even talk to my friends (outside my long time ex roomie and my twin) about anything cancer related....actually health related unless they ask and then I just say I am feeling great. Like I said no one other than my onc and you ladies has ever asked me how I was doing emotionally. No one really wants to hear it. I think too cause so many of my friends have financially had a really rough two years.
OK done with work...ready to watch a little tv. Good night ladies!
Diane
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Kate33: I could not feel more the same as you with the social situations your describing. I feel like my life has changed so much, I don't feel the same as I did before nor am I the same person. I know how you feel with just not really wanting to or even care to. Even I work, I just want to do my job, be left alone, and go home. I feel so isolated on the inside that I am afraid now I am showing it on the outside. I am younger so drinking is a big change for me (not that I am an alchy, but socially drank on the weekends and all events). All my friends and a lot of situation are centered around that and I am feeling just left out now. I tried going to a bar with a huge group of friends to watch our friends' dad's play in a band. Everyone was drunk and I just got more and more annoyed. On top of it, everyone wanted to get serious with me about all the BC stuff so it was just a really hard night. I sometimes just feel almost so numb and blah inside that I hate it. I wish I felt differently, but I am just so emotionally/mentally exhausted. I don't feel like I need anything yet for medication as my diagnosis is still fairly new, but the days don't seem to be getting any better. Glad to hear someone else sort of feels the same way.
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sj29- I know it must be hard for you being so young. Everyone around you is so carefree but having cancer can really take some of that away. It's a loss of innocence in a way. I'm sorry you''re having to deal with all this so early in life. It doesn't really seem fair. I think what we're all dealing with, though, is just part of the process- no matter what your age. You are just in the early stages and it will get better. Some of the numbness and that blah feeling can come just from the surgery and anesthesia even and it can take awhile for your body to recover from all that. But this is just a very "emotional" cancer with lots of baggage attached and we have to figure out what to do with it. I know it's probably hard for your friends to understand what you've gone through but we're here to listen anytime.
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Stanzie, sj29 and Kate: I feel like you all do about socializing and crowds. Stanzie, I have a husband but at parties he goes his way and I'm left behind. I like to look for the chair tucked behind a big pot plant and sit and people watch. As I am totally deaf in my left ear, too much background noise makes it nearly impossible for me to hear even someone sitting down on my hearing side. I even find going into shops and grocery store that they have this loud music playing - guess it's to get you in the mood to buy but for me it's a distraction and even though I amy only hearing 1/2 the volume it sets my teeth on edge. I actually carry an earplug in my purse and use it at times. If a sales person comes up behind me and asks if they can help me and I don't know it and turn around and they are looking at me like 'hey stupid, are you deaf?" and I pull out my earplug and say, sorry music is so loud and I don't want to lose the hearing in the only ear that works!
I'm not good at airy fairy conversation and unless I know the person really well, I'm not going to discuss my breast cancer. I actually had one 'social friend' say to me recently 'and when are you going to get the implants?' hmmmm - guess my 225ml bumps aren't very impressive but I do have cleavage with or without a bra. Since I really don't think much of her I said I had the implants put in last year when they did the double mastectomy. Boy, the look on her face was priceless. Then I switched the subject and asked her how her son was doing at university.
So all of you don't be so hard or critical of yourselves in social situations. We are not all social butterflies like my husband!
Good night -
PS: like you said Kate, we have lost our innocence: people still say to me 'how did you get breast cancer? You are so healthy, you run, eat well, so what was it? My answer: sh_t happens
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sj29- I agree with Kate, being so young brings on some many different challenges... I guess you really grow up in a hurry and not the way anyone wants to. I'm sorry, that always makes me sad but know you are not alone. I have a friend who got colon cancer at 25! Yikes. He is now 34 and I know the cancer has changed him greatly- as the saying goes "he does not suffer fools lightly" Ok, probably not the correct quote but you all know what I mean. Anyway, hang in there and I'd say maybe at work try connecting with some men and women who are a little older and perhaps you would feel a better fit - at least for a break from the carefree youthful partying. Even though I'm sure you want to join in and be like them - it must be terribly difficult.
Diane- I have taken Alfie to two classes now and we have really worked on his homework but you are right I forgot about practicing that with the leash on! I will start today! Thanks so much for the reminder as yesterday when the kids got home he started jumping on them and I always told my kids I will not have rude children so I certainly do not want a rude dog! Sometimes with three kids and such it is hard for me to pay attention to so much going on. If I was younger and no BC there might have been more hope for me... but thanks I appreciate the reminder! He is great at Leave it- as the first day we were to practice that - well I took him for a walk and it was - you guessed it Trash Day! Oh my gosh!! Well he learned very quickly cause it was non-stop - leave it - LOL!
Interesting so many of us have a hard time now in social situations. Debbie I too have trouble with music in stores in such but for me it is MS - more than one one sound is like fingernails on a blackboard so I understand. I love to people watch so I may try that sitting near a potted plant next time - I'd really like that! I used to go early to the Symphony just so I could see all the people and what they would wear!
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I've never been good at social situations so I don't know if BC has a whole lot to do with my social ineptness--but it sure hasn't helped. I'll stand in a group and just want to fade into the wall.--The statement I dislike the most is "you are so brave" Nahh, I really am just a normal person who had this crappy disease and dealt with it. And not always very well. I think if they really knew, they wouldn't call me brave. And fortunately, none of my friends talk to me about it anymore--I think they have moved on, thankfully. There isn't really a whole lot new to talk about and I don't really want to rehash the old stuff. When I was up in VA, a friend of my sister(the one who also had BC) gave me a big hug and whispered in my ear, that my sister told her about my struggles and she heard I was strong and if I was like my sister, I would do just fine. I was taken aback at first, but then I truly appreciated the private moment. She knew not to bring it up in front of the crowd we were with. Refreshing.
I love hearing about the puppy stories--my dog is so old and crotchety. She growls at us at night, we can never tell if she is really angry or its just how she communicates. She doesn't like you invading her personal space.I have to be careful now, she is staring at me across the room. Its like she knows I'm talking about her.
going in a couple of hours for my first consult with a recon surgeon. I'm not sure what to expect, I just want to get this process moving along. I didn't even tell my DH. Not sure why. He's very stressed and overwooked right now, its like i don't want to add to it. I'll let you know how it goes.
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Sj29, you are so fresh in this process. I have an article my husband found online when he was looking at info about mastectomies trying to find info about being supportive. It touches on the grief process we go through when we lose a breast. Private Message me if you would like me to forward it to you.
When you think about it you have been stopped in your tracks with a diagnosis and a surgery that has forever changed your world. You are learning to get comfortable in your physical skin which is very hard and takes time. Even with the best recon it is not you. I believe that eventually we become more at ease with this new us. But as I said it takes time. The longer the recon process the more delayed we are at learning to accept our new body. I am going to be at least three years in the recon process and I know it will make a big difference when it is done. It will never be the same but I will become more comfortable and accepting when the process is complete. Your friends most likely have not experienced an amputation of a body part and that is what a mastectomy is. They most likely have not had to face an illness that forever changes how they look at the world around them. You have and because of that you are forever changed. And it takes time to get comfortable with the emotions you now feel and the changes emotionally.
It takes a lot of energy to be able to deal with the looks at your chest (totally a human reaction but one I have hated with a passion), the conversation when asked personal questions, (not sure why when you have a cancer diagnosis people think they can ask the most personal questions), and deciding how much you want to share. You have the right to say what you want and politely excuse yourself from questions you do not want to deal with.
The care free nature of your age is now changed for you and it is hard to see those around you not understand how life can change with a few words and that life is more than a fun night at the bar. There are support groups specifically for women who are younger at diagnosis that might be helpful.
Sorry so sorry this is so long. Be gentle with yourself. Know it is not unusual to lose friends with this journey. Know that time softens the rawness and the grief. Know we are here for you.
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All I can say is "thanks". I am beginning to feel overwhelmed - it's enough already and just reading that simple sentence (or 2) has put such a smile on my face. I can relate. Thanks for sharing it.
Susan
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