Great saying about depression
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The thing that started my depression and PTSD is my recon issues. I talk with PS today and I an going to tell him no more recon and decon on the non tumor side. I have had two TE taken out due to infections so enough is enough. Think of me at 4:30 central time. I talked with my BS this week as well, and she is with me 100% and we talked about prostheses and she would give me a perscription for what I need.
I can now share this without tearing up everytime. I know when I do take with PS and box of kleenx will need to be on hand. Not that I think his is a bad PS, just things have not gone smoothly and need to get on with the rest of my life and heal. My DH is the best, when talking about this with him, he said he did not care about them, that all he wants for me is to be happy and healthly.
The day I got the news about BC, was March 29, 2010, the same day I interviewed for a new position at work. Had to tell them what was going on. Well did not matter to them, got a higher paid grade level and less stress than my other position.
For the past two months I have been going through the motions since my last recon failed, trying to keep a brave face but braking up inside. Now I am going to look onward and upward. I am glad to look for better days.
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mjbmiller so sorry for all you have had to deal with. Tough decsion. I am glad you are at peace with it. Yes my husband would say the same. He has been my hero through all of this. It is so much more complicated all this recon then I ever imagined. Good luck this afternoon.
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DiDel thanks for kind words and the smile you brought to my face
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mjbmiller: I am so sorry this has been such a nightmare for you. There is another woman on the exchange site who just went through the same thing--radiation kept making her implants fail. She just had hers taken out and is finally no longer in pain, just dealing with the aftermath. Big hugs and will be thinking of you at 4:30pm!
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mjbmiller - So sorry about your infections and complications. But congratulations on getting the higher pay/less stress position at work!
Barbe - I just wanted to say I really admire both your strength and sense of humor.
Big (((hugs))) for everyone on this thread.
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Please accept the deletions as an attempt to keep the re-found harmony on the thread.Many thanks,Melissa0
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Woo hoo!!! Thanks Moderators! You're the best!!!
DiDel- Loved your disclaimer. Thanks for bringing some levity after a stressful couple of days!
mjbmiller- I am so so sorry you have had so many complications with your recon. This whole thing is hard enough. I'm glad you are at peace with your decision and have a loving supportive partner. I hope once you're done that you can start moving forward and healing emotionally.
All this talk about jobs- Maybe someone should start a thread for job seekers! List what city you're in and what kind of job you're looking for. Then if other BCO members hear of a job they can PM the member! I don't know anyone who would make a better employee than all of you. You're strong, resilient and intelligent women!
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You know Kate, that's not a bad idea! Talk about networking.....
mjbmiller, you were in my thoughts at 4:30 and I am hoping you will come back to let us know how you are doing. That's a HUGE decision you made....TWICE!
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Hi all, Whew those are some rough pages. Don't really understand anyone getting upset on these posts especially this one?? I think you all sound wonderful and at time upset and troubled as I feel too. I love all this positive news on jobs and hope some wears off for me. Kate - I am so proud of you and I admire you so much. Just hope something great comes of it.
I have not worked in many years well at least full time as I've been taking care of my kids and dealing with my own health issues. I got divorced which was horrendous to go through and have settled into my new life... well settled isn't exactly true. It has been hard. I have no idea how to fix anything and electronics even phones totally baffle me to no end. It has been hard. I started dating a man who can be very sweet but the rest of the time it is very stressful and awful. I look at my daughter now 12 and she doesn't have any clear idea of what she wants and I guess I still don't know what I want. It seems like boys grow up knowing what they want and girls for the most part don't . Maybe it is just me. I need to get myself together and try and carve out a new and better life for myself. I'm shy and not very good at small talk but I'm going to try. You all give me great inspitation. Thank you all!
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Stanzie - you have had it though other than BC and that takes a lot out of you. I pray that you will be able to open up and share with us and through that help your daughter. We are here for you.
My appointment with my PS went better than I thought. He was very understanding and stating that recon was my personal decision to make. After a few tears we talked about options, well my decision going in and still is that recon is not for me. Since I am still in rads, he said I would not be able to do surgery until about three months after treatments. He wants to see me in two months and in the process think everything over again to be sure. He does think it makes since not doing recon the right (tumor) side to remove the TE on the left (good) side. Also, to do surgery at the same time to smooth both sides out. So I am thinking surgery sometime in May which coincides with the anniversary of my mastectomy, May 11, 2010. Told my DH, he thought it might be sooner but understands why. We are just ready to get things back to normal as normal as it can get now.
Hugs and have a grand weekend everyone.
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Moderators: Thank you so much! I was hoping that doing "ignore" would be enough!
Stanzie: Welcome to the group and we all look forward to hearing what you have to share. We all come from such diverse backgrounds and I feel so lucky to have all of these great women to share with and learn from. Hugs!
mjbmiller: We were all thinking of you at 4:30. It sounds like you have a very compassionate PS and I am glad to hear that no matter what your decision, you have someone there for you. I am so happy that your DH is there for you no matter what, too. The great thing is, reconstruction is one of those things that can always be revisited or denied--you always have a choice! Hugs!
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Stanzie, don't worry about your 12 year old daughter. I'm 52 and STILL don't know what I want to do!
She, like many of us, will change her mind time after time. Just indulge her for now and worry about you. Let her schooling direct her....
You have enough to worry about right now. How about dumping the stress guy? If it's stress for you, it's probably stress for your kids too. A "sometimes nice" guy isn't worth it. You deserve an "always nice" guy!
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Stanzie I agree with Barb. I have stopped hanging around negative or stressful people. I need to stay in a calming positive environment. I just don't want to waste time around someone that brings me down or causing me anxiety. I could not handle that now for sure. I have several friends that were stay home moms that are now finding themselves back in the workforce. My advice to you is to think about what your passions are and see how that fits into what jobs are out there.lt's to hard to be in a job that you hate. I have one friend who took the first job offered her and now she's miserable. Most wouldn't agree wtih me but I am normally a shy person, when I don't know someone. it took me a while of lurking the boards before I had the courage to chime in and I am glad I did. I have met many wonderful supportive women on these threads and it's provided me the outlet to discuss my feelings and issues without feeling self conscious about what everyone will think.
mjbmiller Sorry for everything you are going through. You seem very strong and at peace with your decision. I am telling you I went through my 2nd revision a few days after the anniversary of my mx and no one tells you how long this process is and I guess it's different for everyone but something I wish I knew up front. I feel better and stronger every day as my body heals from surgeries and treatments...getting back to life and feeling a little like my old self.
Hugs to everyone who needs one today! Goooooooo RAVENS!
Diane
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Thanks for all the thoughts as I needed them. I agree when you choose the recon process they don't tell you up front how long the process really takes just the standard process.
When I had my post op infection two weeks after BMX PS sent directly to the hospital as I was there to get the drain taken out. Our church was on the way, my sister was driving and asked her to by. I talked with my pastor, he prayed with me that all would go well. I did heal just fine but now was caught in between. I never though at that point not to do recon because I was still in the process as the other side was just fine. Making the decision for the 2nd try was a bit rushed, my DH thought we should wait. I asked advise from some of my BS sisters here at home, my sister who is in the medical field and everyone said do it before radiation. Even my onco said it would be ok. My RO was a different story though. So bottom line the 2nd try was a bit rushed right before Thanksgiving and everything was fine up to that point. Went to see DH family in GA, thought that was important to have family around. When I got back to work after that is when the bottom opened, first day back incision started weeping, for two weeks we thought it healed then a hole in the skin appeared and exposed he TE. Had to be taken out. Eventhough you have a great support system it does not stop depression from stettling in.
The important part is to be healed the other stuff can come later if I decide to. May will be here before I know it. Hoping that my son who is a freshman in HS passes all his classes.
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mjbmiller- Goodness you have been through a lot.
Thank you al for your kind words and I'm trying to follow the advice and concentrate on my kids. Thanks again.
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mjbmiller- You have been through so much with very little time to process it all with so many complications. Like MBJ said, once you're healed and stronger you can always revisit the idea of recon if that's what you want. I have been reading about a Dr. Khouri at the Miami Breast Center (miamibreastcenter.com) who has been having excellent results using only fat grafting for recon on patients who have had rads and previous recon with implants/TE's. The web site says using fat grafting with the BRAVA system process can reverse the radiation effect. Maybe down the road if you choose to consider recon, again, this procedure will be available through other PS's and not just him. I do think in the future the recon options will be greatly improved. With all you've been through, though, it's understandable why you've said enough is enough. (((hugs)))
Stanzie- BC is hard enough without trying to navigate through a new relationship. And new relationships are tricky enough without throwing BC into the mix. So I can empathize with how hard it all must be for you right now. I would just ask yourself what YOU need in the relationship to get healthier-physically and emotionally. If the good is outweighing the bad than take as much good as you can get. But if it's draining more than giving I don't think any of us have enough in reserves to sustain that- especially when we need to give so much to our kids, too. As someone who knows you well, you deserve so much more, my friend.
Like some of you, I've never really known what I wanted to be when I grew up, either. Being a stay-at-home mom for 14 years (except for the occasional part-time job) I think I have lost a sense of self. And the BC just accentuated that loss even more to the point I don't know who I am, or where I fit in, anymore. I don't recognize myself in the mirror- both physically and figuratively. I used to be a flight attendant, and that is the job I applied for (along with 5,000 other people, I'm sure!) but I wonder if it is an attempt to go back to the life I once had instead of trying to move forward. Stanzie sent me a PM with a great quote by Dr. Christine Northrup that said, "Throw away what you expect your life to be like and make room and prepare for what you life will be."
I know this is what I need to do but aren't quite there yet. I haven't yet accepted this new reality and all that comes with it. I keep wanting what I once had, and when it hits me over and over again that I can never have that, that is when the sadness and depression overtakes me. Well, didn't mean to write a small novel here. DH and DS are out of town this weekend so I think I have too much time on my hands and not enough human conversation! LOL!
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Thanks for that quote. I have been sick twice now in the last 5 years for being super-woman.
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Kate- thanks for putting that in. And I agree with that last part. Gosh I so wish we lived closer or even 1/2 way closer.....
I have recently gotten back in touch with my half-brother! Imagine not knowing about him till I was a senior in highschool! Anyway, our meetings and conversations have been few but we are trying to do better. He just sent out a book and it brings up lots of questions as to who our Grandfather really was which is awfully interesting. We probably will never really know as those who do know are long gone but if it brings long lost family members together then I'm for it. Don't really know where I'm going with this other than having cut ties with the boy friend I have been feeling a bit lonley and this has taken up my time in a good way.
I think for me holding on to the boyfriend was easier because he knew me before BC - I don't know how I would ever "date" again with everything involved so I think staying with him was the easy way out. So I'm trying hard to be strong and learn to live with my "new" life. I sure liked the old one better as it was easier but not sure why I would thing life would get easier as I got older. - silly idea.
Here in the south we have been slammed by an amazing snow storm. I read and watched the news and prepared and have not had the need to get out on the streets. I'm very lucky in that. However some people just need to complain and being irritated because there is something different and things are now going as they regularly do. If nothing else BC has certainly taught me not to worry about the small things. So today is the first day since last Sat. I have gotten mail. and there has not been trash or recycling pick up. Doesn't mean there never will be. So at least I'm thankful I'm not worried about all that and I have more than enough food and for the first few days actually cleaned up a lot. It has drifed off and watching movies has taken over but I never do that so why not. Reality will come flying back when my kids come back tomorrow and I have to cook real food and they will need clean clothes and such. So for one last day trying to not morn the loss of a relationship and friend but to enjoy being with myself. Thanks!
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mjbmiller: Kate is right! I had totally forgotten about the technique using fat grafting with radiated breast implants! They have had incredible success with this! It should be the standard of care but I am realizing on this cancer journey that there isn't such a thing in modern medicine. Hugs!
Stanzie: Kate has given you excellent advice! Hugs!
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Crazykitties: Where did you get that avatar??!! LOL!
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COPY IT!!!! It gets attention!
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Thanks for all the input on my situation. I may not procede with recon after my surgery but who know; 2,3, 4 or 5 years where the technology will be in recon.
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mjbmiller, I had bilateral incisional infections. They cultured a gram negative rod type of bacteria that is almost exclusively hospital acquired. Someone screwed up. It caused two additional surgeries on both sides. On one side the expander was exposed. I said I wanted them to do whatever it took to keep them. The BS added more Alloderm and I ended up with a PICC line and two IV antibiotics for 7 weeks going 14 hours a day. But I was fortunately able to keep them. Another friend of mine had problems they pulled hers the first time. She waited over 6 months and it started with the infection this time. They put in a PICC and I told she had to tell them she needed extended IV antibiotics and not just a couple of weeks. It worked. I have heard of women who go back after may years and have reconstruction. I wonder if you PS knows that might be the case for you if it will make a difference in the way he does the surgery versus thinking you are definitely not going to ever have it. I am so glad though that you are at peace with the decision.
I was thinking about you at 4:30
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Deteremined - We did talk of the possiblities, but surgeies have not been kind to me. Almost for every surgery, I have had an invection of some sort (3 prior surgeries) and two for bc. I have desided I can deal with no breasts, since they are not as important as I thought. I really look forward to the freedom.
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mjbmiller isn't half the battle making the decision! I am glad you are at peace with it and I have read in other places that it is a very freeing type of thing to not have to worry about it. I too am deciding if I am going to have a revision and fear of another infection is weighing heavily on my mind. Your husband sounds like a great support which is wonderful.
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Determined - I will be praying for you on making your decision. Fear of infection was the core of my decision. YOU have to decide what is best for YOU. Hugs
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mjbmiller and Determined I agree it could be a very freeing thing to just not have breasts and not worry about it. I have asked myself what I would do if I got bc in the good one down the road. Since I did TRAM recon on the first, I can't do that again. I really don't like the idea of implants for me personally. One of my friends had a hole open up exposing the TE while she was doing rads as well. She ended up going down to NOLA and doing a IGAP procedure where they take it your butt. It's not widely done, but its another option. The people at the place in New orelans seem to be the best and according to my friend who went there, they really worked with her on insurance and keeping her out of pocket costs down.0
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Alyad - thanks for the info, I am just not happy with the whole reconstruction process. I just feel it is not worth while for me, the lenths we have to go through. Eventhough my DH did not want me to proceed with recon, I had to try for myself. What an awaking. I am just saying it is not for me right now or in the future. For the next few months after rads I have to live with half recon and not. Cannot wait for Mayish to get here. Do not get me wrong here, anyone who can go through the whole process and win, YOU ROCK!
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I know how you feel about getting infections. I just don't know how I can fall into stable dirt, bloody my leg and be fine. Then a year later I go to the hospital for a simple breast surgery in the most sterile conditions and get an infection.
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I hate how this has changed intimacy
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