Have any of you found love after your diagnosis and treatment?
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I have to just say ....and put out there....it is hard to be on the other threads and read this contant theme of "I don't know how I would have made it without my wonderful husband". Where did I/we miss the boat? Having a pity party this morning. Cant sleep restfully due to Aromasin. Can't afford air conditioning because I didn't marry well (twice!). Mornings are hard; I think it's the medication.
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mybee --- it is difficult but I think it is harder because you are sleep deprived .... I don't know anything about Aromasin but I have switched taking the Tamoxifen to mid evening and I think it acts like a sleeping pill -- have had the best sleeps yet since I switched.
take care of yourself -- how are you? How are the books? drop me a note on pm.
Joanne
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Mybee I have been staying away from those threads. When I was reading posts about wonderful husbands, I would wonder why wasnt I treated like that. To be honest, I still wonder.
Most of the men I meet dont want to see me any more after they notice the problem with one of my eyes. I even got tinted glasses than I get the response that they would like to see my eyes. Guess I feel this physical flaw on my face really limits my choices in men. So, I have be really careful if someone is interested in me in terms of their motives.
Hope I am glad that you found someone
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Painted ---- I am hoping that you are wrong about your eye and then I think ... if the man is that shallow about your eye and cannot see the beauty beyond that then he is not worthy of you anyway ......
Remember you have SO much to offer someone and it will happen. Take care of yourself and LOVE yourself. You are worthy of so much more.
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Joanne Thanks for your post. In a picture you really cant see much of a problem. Up close, I look cross eyed. One person told me that it is hard to focus on where to look when they talk to me; so I thought the tinted glasses would help.
If I tell them on the phone, most are polite, but I never hear from them again.
One did tell me that why should someone settle for someone with "a problem like that when there are so many women without problems"
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Mybee - I can SO relate to your feelings about "my wonderful husband takes care of me". Being alone without that kind of support is so hard . My husband of 19 years was one of those men who was there for me every step of the way thru my first dx and also when dx Stage 4, and then he died a year and a half ago. I dreamt of him holding me last night and when I woke up in the morning, the bed was empty. My heart starting breaking all over again.
Painted- I get how you feel too about your eye. I am so skinny now and really have given up on dating. Who would want to be with a walking skeleton? So fatigued all the time from chemo too that I wouldn't have the energy to even go out on a date. 55 and I feel like a 90 year old.
Sorry to lay my pity party on all of you but I understand what you guys are saying - nobody else really "gets" it.0 -
raku - how wonderful you have those dreams, where he comes back to you. And how lovely to have known love. We have all known love, in many forms, some flawed. I read over our stories and I am brought to tears. I remember when my brother, now deceased, my baby, 11 yrs. younger, would come to me in my sleep. How I treasured those moments. If I could I would summon those dreams, every so often, just for a visit.
We will all be fine, with or without men. I came to a realization today that T. was such a shallow man that it is very likely that he picked fights with me, drove the break up, because I had cancer (I was a loser-in his eyes) and because I lost a breast. I think it all just freaked him out. He didn't want a woman like that. It hurts, but it is okay too. That is who HE is; but it doesn't say anything about me. He is shallow. Terribly so. It is sad and it hurts but I am good. I am moving forward now; I have purpose. I have much to do. There is peace in knowing who he is/was and that it is so different from who I am.
Can you see that mornings are much different than evenings? And so it goes.............(a quote from a fellow surivor - can you remember who?)
Peace.
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Painted - I still think someone who says something that hurtful is insecure about himself and trying to feel better about himself - like a bully- that is just plain mean, insensitive and immature. No one is perfect and if he thinks he is then he has more problems that even any of us do! I'd say he showed his horrid colors early which is probably good.
I think that ultimatly that is one of the reasons I've never been able to follow through and actually sign up with one of those dating sights. With all the issues I have why would someone want to get involved with me. I do think once someone can get to know me then it might be all right, but how to get that far....
I don't know.... Rakulynda - I'm so sorry you are having such a hard time. Can the doctors change any of the meds to help you? I hope you have some help...
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Okay, let me join in this pity party. I am sooo vulnerable when it comes to believing you are the special one. The last guy I was seeing was saying "I have never had anyone treat me as good as you have. I have never been good with women. I am so into you, you can meet my kids...we'll go up in the rapture together (if it comes). You can go with me when I minister in China, but you have to get over being afraid of flying oversea, etc." This was the relationship when I was reavealed of having cancer and then he cut me off like a knife and I cried everyday for thirteen months. My friends couldn't believe how hard I was taking the rejection...the guy almost ran over me in his car without even an apology when walking into work one night. He ignored me so hard at work, I felt like a fly on the wall, no reason other than, he said it wasn't going to go anywhere...whatever. I do believe the chemo treatments, makes us all REALLY SENSITIVE...we are or did go through a nightmare during the treatments, overwhelmed with it.
My last ex (I also married twice for the wrong reason) was horribly verbally abusive the first ten years and a smart elic rediculing me the entire remaining years. Then when I found out I had cancer, I got a backbone and finally divorced him. Knowing he would never be there for me, physically. I have never had a good single relationship with a man in my life, all end within a seven month period.
maybee...so I understand what you are saying, about living on pennies, abuse and I am still making $11 an hour at sixty one years of age. It isn't easy. I am sorry you can't get a/c this coming hot summer. Maybe God will send someone in your life to cool you with comfort this year..I hope so.
paintedlady...one bad eye, well my face droops on one side when I am not smiling...I hate it, but it runs in the family. My dental bridge is better in matching than the last one, but still not a mirrow image (I didn't inherit my eye teeth when I was born and my teeth were gappy up to 27 years of age), my hair is thin...some of it today is the Arimedex I have to take for five years. The crown area is hard to cover up). I would suggest not to say anything about your eye ever, until you feel they want to hang around...then ask them what they think of it. I did that about my droopy left side of the face and he said he thought it was cute...thank the Lord. And for someone to tell you that there is so many women without problems, well those women are covering up the flaws which will be revealed eventually if the stupid men hung around them long enough...they probably don't want a long relationship with anyone anyway.
rakulynda...skinny at 55. When I was revealed with cancer I was also a skeleton. I was 5'7" and 115 lbs, my hair was falling out 50 strands a day, the first treatment of chemo took it immediately. Believe me the weight will come back after you have done all your treatment, you will look healthy again. I think I have gained twenty to thirty pounds, wish I could lose ten in a healthy way. We being labeled as cancer patients isn't pretty, but men over 55 are losing their erec....! They are getting stints in their hearts, getting diabeties, believe me none are perfect in looks or in their health, no matter what they are telling you. Oh, don't forget falling arches and toenail fungus...look for all of it, you'll find it. Make yourself feel better and have patience, there is an end to everything and you will be happier some tomorrow.
Stanzie- I admire your wisdom and experience with men, they are mostly bullies. Thomas has tried to breakup with me a few months ago. He had quit his job of nine years...lucky me, I talked him into keeping our relationship going. Well, here we go again...as soon as I get a high with him and am seeing a dream come true, he blew it up again. He just had his family reunion, four of his seven children came, of course only one has met me (the local one whom lives with his dad) and I was not invited...it's okay. But after the reunion, I was somewhat leary he would act up, he called me and said, "A lot of healing went on and he really enjoyed himself." Then I said, "So glad you enjoyed it and that was wonderful. I bet that was also a costly venture (because he has been worried about no income, until August first=social security). Then he was someone raspy, saying, "Yes, and there won't be anymore family reunions and I AM NOT GOING ANYWHERE UNTIL I GET A JOB." So, since he was so brunt about it, "I said, okay, then call me when you are ready (he lives an hour to an hour and a half away)". He said, "Okay", I said, "Okay, bye." He said "Bye". It has been four days now and not a word or text from him. The no job thing may just break us up. Last time he admitted he wanted to get a job and run away, he was void for eleven days that week and a half. I am afraid that he is trying to cut me off again. It isn't that he doesn't love me...it is because I have had cancer and I have to KEEP MY MEDICAL INSURANCE ACTIVE UNTIL I AM 65 YEARS OF AGE (medicare). It keeps me tied up to a job that I can't seem to transfer out of or get out of. His occupation before has never covered him with insurance, so he actually said (before I talked him into staying) that he said, "I CAN'T TAKE CARE OF YOU!" I told him that I have been taking care of myself for two years since my divorce, throughout the chemo and all and still can. I think he is leaving me behind AGAIN. So I will keep you girls informed.
Even the nice ones try to run away, I am just about to give up on men completely. I also feel like low, when I found out I had cancer....I put my mother in a nursing home, I got out of the guardianship of my older brother whom had dementia, I divorced my husband whom threw himself into poverty (gambler). And overall I AM STILL ALONE. I DON'T WANT TO BE ALONE, all I want is to love and be loved and have a healthy christian life together...so I am somewhat down myself. God has always been my reason for living and somehow I keep messing it up, trying to depend on MEN.
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Hope - They run away because they have a NEED to run away. It is too much to go into but I can tell you, it is such a familiar story. I do believe a TRUE man stays. My ex-hus., who has a big heart, spent all day here, preparing the house/yard for a graduation party for our daughter. He has his emotional limitations but he is GOOD. Through and through. His values are solid. That's why I married him in the first place. That is who we are looking for. Good. Through and through. Don't think about it too much, (as if I am one to talk), just feel. Are U together? or alone?, Is he understanding, there for you? These are the big questions and the big answers.
Love.
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mybee, when we are together, we are TOGETHER as one, our breath, our bodies, all as one. But he says when he goes home (an hour to hour and a half away), he starts these thoughts of it will never work. I am tied to my job (at my age it is hard to make job changes) and my mother is only a mile away in a wonderful active nursing home at ninety. There is no reason to me that he couldn't stay and live with me, then after my mother passes, we could sell out and then move over to the lake near where he lives. He has let his son and the boy's girlfriend move in with him and now there is three of them with their new baby. Thomas has been paying for the house payment for the last nine years and the two have wonderful jobs now. Since Thomas quit his over the road job, he is babysitting for them a lot as well. He has a wonderful heart, the best I have ever known in a man (for me and the Lord). He wants to sell his home to the kids, but they won't buy it, so he won't move away from it. I have to stay in this to see if he is going to keep us going or not connect to me, it's his choice. Until I can get off of my third shift job, only then can I make changes in my life. He can't see how things can work between us, for he doesn't want to leave his place, when he could. I know he could find work in Tulsa, the city is full of truck driving jobs. I just seem to lost my trust, to a man that has said he wants to spend his whole life with me, he says he wants to be with me all the time, but NOT NOW???? Confuses me.
I think you and your ex sounds like there is still a lot of love there. Why can't you both make it work? Sounds to me like you should. Changing your lives and trying to share it with someone else in the future, is letting all the memories you shared, only be your memories. You don't have those memories to share it with anyone else, they don't want to bring their past up and they don't want you to bring your past up...that is what I found. God bless you both. Better close now.
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My ex has intimacy issues and issues with his sexuality for some real I don't understand. He values his freedom and guards his private self, that is it. He wasn't emotionally there for me when we were married and could never truly be. Sad but true. But he is a great father and my good friend.
I am so sorry this is all so confusing for you. Midlife love is very confusing with kids, and assets, houses, etc. Maybe he just needs a little time to think. I feel when there is a will there is a way. The question is flexibility and will.
It does sounds like he doesn't want to disrupt his family; it is hard to change priorities and let someone new into your life. Perhaps time is the key.
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mybee, for me, yes...I think time is the key. We will see in time. Though I am not calling him as I did before to talk things over. He said before that the reason he doesn't call me is because I could talk him into anything. Well, this time...I am not going to talk him into anything, it has to be his doing's..I want him to be the leader, not me. I prefer a man and after discussing it with you a few post ago, I decided I still want what God wants for me. That will be for the best for me. I will accept whatever that is, without going back to my ex (periodically feeling guilty to do so). My ex told me when I showed him my reconstructed breast, he said "Why, those don't look real!" The man just can't make me feel good, but Thomas did and will if he decides to be the man for me. I understand what you are saying about your ex's desires and privacy. I always felt like my ex, was always excepting me because he couldn't in his eyes do better. He had frenched kissed my daughter when she was fourteen and had always flirted in his own way, with everyone else but me. I can't go back there, even after thirty one years of marriage, I just can't seem to want to pick up the redicule and not feeling loved by that man. Well, thanks for chatting, I pray the best for you as well. Congradulations on your daughter's graduation, an accomplishment that is for sure, you did good!
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Hope - I think you are right that the ball is in his court. Turn this one over to God and let it be. I think we get stuck sometimes by directing things too much and not just letting them unfold. Sometimes things have to unfold in a way we don't want to see so we force it to work. Then we wonder: how did we get in this situation? I am trying to live with my eyes open now. It is hard. I am so sorry to hear that you were in a bad marriage like that for so long. You need time to heal from that too. Verbal and emotional abuse takes a long time for recover from; it changes you.
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Mybee and Hope Thanks for sharing your life experiences with us. Although I dont comment much of the time, I do read your posts. Both of you have given me food for thought.
Oh, I forgot to mention that the guy I went out on a date with to Tarpon Springs. He really seemed like he wanted to make another date until I slipped and told him that I had had serious surgery. He directly asked me if it was cancer surgery. We talked about it a bit then he seemed to loose interest. A day later he sent me a brief email that sounded kind of odd
Here was the entire email "Maybe we will both know what we want to do in a few months"
I did not ask him to clarify although it didnt make to much sense.
Believe me, I am not upset. When I was talking with him while having lunch, I was just getting this feeling that he didnt have his act all together. He just didnt seem that emotionally stable to me. My instincts told me not to see him again and I will not.
Have a good day Sisters
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Paying attention to those instincts is awesome. Sometimes it is very hard to do, but I do belive that breaking some of these patterns lies in tuning into those guts feelings, little twinges, etc. We do get a clue to a man and it is usually very early on - like first meeting, I believe.
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Thomas got a job, he texted me that he is going for a drug test on Monday and then signed it "love you". I only texted back and told him I prayed sincerely last night before I went to work that God would give him a job he wanted. So I said, "Congratulations" and told him that I was Happy for him. I wasn't sure how to end it, but signed it, "love you too". I sent it off. I decided, if he texts, I text, if he calls, I may call him next time...now it is "do unto each other as they do unto us. I.E. don't lead!
paintedlady...the signs are there, you are right on. As mybee says, sometimes we are making things work. It is true, but not anymore for me. Someone told me that if it is God's will, a relationship will not be hard. But I do believe we can be detoured. Joyce Meyers says to let it rest, give it days, weeks, even months sometimes on decision making and make sure it is of the Lord. I am trying. You both have a great weekend.
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Love Joyce Meyer.
Everything going well here. New implants look great, Tony is great.
Unfortunately my 25 year old was arrested for DUI on Sunday which caused a lot of angst. I let him sit there for a few days before bailing him out.
I'm moving out of my mother's house very soon. Things are stressed here and I want my own place. I moved in here basically because I wasn't sure how long I had. Apparently, I will be around awhile longer. God willing.
I feel so blessed to find a man who believes in abstinence before marriage (we did succumb to temptation a few times), and who doesn't care about the cancer. He is more interested in the heart. Christian Mingle ladies! There are still jerks on there but not as many as on traditional dating sites.
Blessings to all of you for a wonderful weekend.
Denise
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Denise So glad that you posted. Was wondering how everything was going. I am happy to hear that you are pleased with your surgery. It is wonderful that you and Tony found each other. I believe God's hand is in it. As for your son, you did the right thing and let him experience the consequences of his behavior. That took strength.
I wish you could post a picture of your diamond sparkle on here. Diamonds are my favorite!
Abundant blessings to you
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Ladies forgot to mention that I had lunch today with a guy. He lives near me.
We are going dancing tonight..
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Date tomorrow. Talked on the phone today and he did a lot of bragging. I will try to stay open minded! xo
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Denise! Purity is the way to go and the only way to go, knowing that God will take care of you with every step ahead of you! My ex minister boyfriend, was the same, we stayed pure....but then he ran when he realized I had cancer. Broke my heart for thirteen solid months, crying everyday. He shocked me, he was in it all the way and broke up like a doctor Jerkyll and Mr. Hyde. I am so happy for you, yes we are! I dated Thomas when I was fourteen and he seems to be the man that God wants me to be with....but then....I must of deceived myself before...so I am letting God handle this. We would of been married first, but I thought with social security reasons, I had to wait until I was 62 and we couldn't seem to do that. BUT we both want to make it right as soon as he can get his feet back on the ground and I know he won't run, pray God He only knows for sure. Anyway, I am standing by. I talked to the social security department and they said I do not have to wait until I am 62 to ever draw on my ex (married 31 years with). So Thomas and I just have to get the right time for both of us. I am ready, whether we have to live separate of not, I want it. I am so glad your reconstruction went well, it is amazing how they can make things look so real today...I am happy with mine too, except my tattoo's didn't work out the second time either. Thomas is blurred eyed anyway, me too!
paintedlady, enjoy your evening and we will cross our fingers!
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All of you feel like long lost sisters. I'm on my way to church. Chat later.
Denise
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I am torn inside.
I really was attracted to the guy. I just liked the way he smiled at me. We had such a good time dancing and talking. THEN, I googled him and found out that he was in prison(for 1 year) 14 years ago for trying to deliberately hit someone with his car.
He called me late last night and I asked him about it: He made it sound like he was in prision for a year for a traffic ticket. Then he said he did it because he was drunk, but he "doesnt drink like that any more" and he "will get me in touch with people who can vouch for"him.
In my opinion, he should not drink a drop of alcohol.
He is suppose to call this evening. I have been praying about this all morning and I get a strong feeling not to keep seeing him. It is very clear that he is very attracted to me. I just can't get past the fact that he could actually try to hit someone with his car. omg.
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He can't control his anger, especially when he drinks - I think red flags would be going up for me also.
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He just called a little while ago. I told him that I did not want to see him any more. And, he is not to call me again.
I prayed about this today and came away with the conclusion that this is not the man that God has selected for me.
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Painted Lady
BE CAREFUL!!! You are worth more than this. I will pray with and for you! xo Hang in there sister
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Lovemyfamily Thanks for your post and prayers. I have no intentions of ever seeing him again. How did your date go?
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painted lady - Isn't this the second dangerous guy you were attracted to? I say that because perhaps it is a pattern you could look at. I know I have my patterns. One thng I have become aware of recently is that I confuse attraction, infatuation, fear excitement, lust..........it's all one big jumble of emotion. I think it is because I was afraid of my unpredictable, self centered parents. For whatever reasons, I am attracted to men who turn out to be mean or at the least, insensitive; Something in that is exciting for me, sad but true. I am taking this break to look at this kind of stuff.
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For some reason these two guys were extremely goodlooking. I must admit, I am attracted to very goodlooking men. Fortunately, I check them out on the internet once I get enough info on them and both these guys had a criminal history.
I am also suppose to be seeing a retired police officer again for lunch. He is not as goodlooking, but he seems to be nice. He does live over an hour and half from me. This distance may be a problem for him. These guys around here want you to be right next door!
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