Have any of you found love after your diagnosis and treatment?
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I'm so glad it went well!!!!
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Thanks Ladies for all youre encouragement.
I still dont know very much about the guy. He is 62 and has 7 year old twins plus 2 adult children. I dont really like the idea of such young children.. I dont know how old the woman was or how long he was with her. I failed to ask him how long they have been split up. He did mention that they never married, but he was also vague as to why they didn't. He said they were going to "but just didn't" His first marriage ended in divoece. He didnt give me any details about that either.
I like it better when the guy just explains it freely. I dont like to ask alot of questions. It does make me wonder what is hiding behind the lack of specifics.
Well, I will be meeting another guy in an hour. I dont expect any sparks to fly. Maybe I will be really surprized and there will be fireworks lol
Oh, I forgot to mention I got an email from the Jewish guy last night and he said he wanted to go to dinner again. He made no specific plans though.
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It's supposed to be a sign of good boundaries to not reveal many specifics on the first date. Just keeping it light is the tone to strike, so I've read.
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Had dinner with the the other guy. He was nicer than I thought he would be. Only thing is he is 70 years old. He wanted to set up another date right there, but I told him to call me.
I really want the Jewish guy to take me out to dinner again. He was looking at my profile on the dating site today. He is so good looking. I know women are going to go after him
I found him very sexy and classy.
Just have to wait it out. I know the 75 miles is a factor.
Good night Sisters
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Found out something about the Jewish guy: I could not sleep well last night so I looked at online public records: He was convicted for battery in 2003!!!!. He didnt go to jail but it looks like he had to pay a fine and take anger mangement class. He must have a violent temper. I really cant ask him at this point what happened. Even if I do, I will only get his version of the situation.
What do you all think about this?
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Without knowing the specifics, it's hard to say. He could have been defending someone or he could have just blown his top one day. Was the person he battered a man or woman?
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I don't know ---this battery conviction worries me. I dated a guy once who got mad at another driver who cut in front of us. At the next light, he got out of the car and started toward the other guy. I yelled at him and he did get back in his car. But I didn't go out with him again. His anger at that other drive was way out of proportion ---it scared me.
Maybe if you go out with him again you can watch for clues about his anger. Is he impatient with the waitress? Is he impatient in general? That always bothers me.
Many years ago my ex put his fist thru the wall of our apt. when he got mad at me for something. The landlady said I was lucky he didn't put his fist thru ME! We split up shortly after that (but not because of that incident)
So I guess I'm gun shy---
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Okay - so this fits with the fast forwarding. Angry, controlling or power based guys will move fast so that you don't catch on to what they are really about. They pick women who need them - (for money???) They sweep you off your feet so that you can't use your brain effectively. Already you are thinking about going out again with someone who has a criminal record - a violent one at that. He sounds fairly smooth, certainly charming. I have had serious relationships with a number of these guys. (I have been susceptible because I am love hungry, or used to be). It seems so flattering when they rush in on your life ,esp. if this charmng person wants you and seems soooo smitten with you but.............then they control you and somehow overlook that you are a person who has feelings and needs too. Some are just neglectful, some mean, some downright abusive. Almost all domestic violence type relationships start out with a charming wonderful guy who seems too good to be true; He is too good to be true. It is an act. The internet is teaming with these guys. You were smart to do an online search. It is worth it to pay for one too, sometimes, esp. if you are falling for someone. You are better off alone than with a bad man.
Just my perspective............
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Thanks for all your input.
Denise the event happened in 2003 and I could not tell who the victim was or the circumtances.
Dogs and Mybee It is making me see red flags.
He definitely has money and very goodlooks plus he is very smart; so I never would have dreamed to see that.
Thanks again
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Most of you don't know I was married before, briefly, at age 18 to a guy 6 years older than myself. He was very handsome and at the time, I had very little self confidence. I felt I wasn't pretty enough for him so when he showed me attention and asked me to marry him 4 months after we met I said yes.
I was too young to notice the signs then of his controlling behavior, but he got mad at me because my sister, mother and I went out for dinner & drinks one night (the drinking age was 18 at the time here in FL). He didn't think an engaged woman should be out with her single sister. He also didn't want me to wear anything too low cut or short.
We were only married about 7-8 months the first time he slapped me. I packed my bags on my lunch hour while he was at work and moved out. Naturally he asked me back and like a jerk I did. The next time, he literally picked me up (I was 98 lbs.) and threw me across the room. Still I stayed. In our 3 year marriage there were probably 5 of these instances before we divorced after 3 years of marriage. I was lucky we never had children together and I worked full time so I was able to move on like nothing ever happened.
There is more to the story but you get the gist of it. One of these days if I can figure out how to post a picture I will post one of my High School graduation. I was convinced by my grandmother that I was unattractive so I was "looking for love and acceptance in all the wrong places". I saw this picture just recently after almost 30 years and I was one of the prettiest girls in the entire graduating class. Just goes to show you how a parent can completely screw up your life if you let them.
All my love to you ladies,
D.
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Denise - Thank you so much for sharing your story. It seems like many of us are here on this thread because of being led here due to life circumstances. I could related to much of what you talked about. The specifics are different of course, but the down deep issues are so much the same. I am reading a book right now 'No More Christian Nice Girl'. It has been pretty eye-opening. I was basically raised to be passive, not think I was worth much and not realize how much I had to offer in a relationship. Accepted whoever came along, within reason. Of course now I am alone. It is hard to be alone for this long; I never have been. But I think it is part of the plan. I just try to push through the days. I have had so many poor relationships it is hard to FEEL I deserve something good. But I guess I kept fighting all along. I kept getting out of them.
Denise - it does sound like you may be with a nice man now; What changed you? Were you alone for a while? I would be interested in hearing more of your story. How is it going with Antonio?
Also ladies - I am wrestling with this: Is my depression being made worse by the Aromasin? Or is it just life? I wake up in the morning feeling pretty crummy and sleep poorly. But I want to take an AI, if needed.
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Well ladies, I just came back from a lunch meeting. He seemed to be cheap. I dont think he liked me. I dont get it. If they like your picture and like you on the phone, why dont they like you in person.
This evening I am going to meet another guy than I am out of men for now lol.
Mybee I am sorry, but I dont know anything about that medication. For me,
I think the stress fatigues me especially financial stress.
Denise Thanks for sharing that. I, like Mybee, would like to hear more. How is it going with
with Antonio? You are very fortunate to have met him so quickly. I wish I could have met someone quickly. This meeting stuff gets old real quick
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The online dating circuit is tedious, based on past experience. Hang in there PL. I admire your perseverence.
Worked outside a lot today. Accomplished quite a bit. The physical activity is good.
I think my depression is kind of a PTSD. I read what was said elsewhere on this site about it and it fit perfectly.
Having so many things - BC, Tony, changing and losing family and friends, myself changing. It has been a lot. I am still trying to figure out who I am now.
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The dinner with the guy was horrible: He sat by me. Right after dinner, as we sat in the restaurant he put his arm around me and tried to touch my breast. I still cant believe that nerve of him. I was stunned. I abruptly moved his hand. He was trying to kiss me. All during dinner all he seemed to want to talk about is sex and trying to get me to take him to my house, Needless to say, I had to get away from him. I told him that I had to use the rest room and left.Even as I am typing this I am shocked at this guys disgusting behavior.
He seems like a sex maniac!
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Oh my gosh!! What a train wreck. Put that one behind you and forget it. Ick!!
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Hi Ladies
Mybee I am still upset about this when I woke up. I am still shocked that this creep could actually touch my breast in a restaurant. He also tried to look down my blouse.
I have never been treated with such disrespect.
I have been thinking about this and perhaps the ones that meet me and then I dont hear from them again is that they notice my eye(I am blind in one eye). It isnt noticable in the pictures on the dating site. I cant think of why else they wouldnt continue to be interested.
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Forget this guy and all the others who are only interested in sex---I am afraid most of the guys on these dating sites have only sex on their mind.
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paintedlady -- I am not sure why they behave the way they do .....
It is not you -- don't beat yourself up !!! it is them !!!!!! It is there loss !!!!
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PL- What a jerk!!! Wonder why he just didn't find a prostitute? Good thing you were in a public place where you could easily escape. Hate to think what could've happened had you not been as careful!
mybee- I'm on Aromasin too and have wondered the same thing about depression but then I also get Navelbine and Zometa. I started taking Celexa (similar to Effexor) so waiting to see if that helps improve my mood. Living alone is no easy thing even with the best of friends close by for support. They really don't understand what we're dealing with. . .0 -
Pl ~ It's no wonder it has stuck with you. It's like an assault. It happens to many, many women. I tell you this not to minimize it but rather, to help you understand that it is NOTHING with you!! There are men out there that are looking to prey on women. Period. I'm sure there are nice ones too but in the meantime, keep your guard up and do your searches, stay in public places! I know you know all this already.........
Raku~ Living alone is trying at times, no matter how you spin it. You look so lovely in your photo. Remember your loveliness. You are right - friends don't seem to know............
I think my mood is mostly from sleep deprivation and a rough year. Feeling better today, probably due to exercise yesterday.
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I agree with the others that this guy was a jerk and just forget about him. As far as your other question goes, the answer is "chemistry" ..... it is not possible to really feel connected to someone through profiles, emails, phone calls. It only happens when you meet. The fact that someone connects with you via a dating site, has a pleasant phone conversation or two means NOTHING... ZERO. It's all about the meeting. My suggestion is that you stop putting so much emphasis on the pre-meeting stuff.....just because someone seems "technically" ok, it doesn't mean it's going to work.
BRCA2+ first dx in Oct. 2004 2nd dx Feb. 2009 a new primary
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Hi Ladies
Thanks for your input Mybee, Rak and Dogs
Hrf I really have things going on in my life. What I dont want is drama and someone who isnt financially stable. I am a PhD and consider myself attractive and a good catch.
I come from an upper middle class family and the men in my family are/were financially successful. Some of my relatives are Jewish and the ones that married my aunts made very good husbands . My aunts did not have to convert to meet them or marry them (They were Reformed Jews).
Well ladies, now it is very dry here with regard to males interests. But that is okay. I need a break.
Have a Good Evening
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Okay - I will tell you girlfriends and no one else..............ssssshhhhhh...........
I miss Tony. He was the best time I'd had in 20+ years. (The joys of babies don't count - totally different kind of fun). When we had fun...........we had sooooo much fun. What a great night out he could be........when he was on. It is truly a shame there was such an overlay of dysfunction.
I could only tell you girls. No one else. I would be ashamed to tell anyone else.
Ciao.
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I am glad you can share this but I am glad you can also remember the "overlay of dysfunction" ...
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I agree with Joanne's post.
Sometimes we remember the good times and block out the bad. You know girls, we all sound like such romantics! We have loving, kind, compassion hearts. Maybe that attracts these jerks.Or maybe alot of men are jerks; so we are bound to meet some. Gosh, I hope I am wrong about that last sentence that I just typed lol
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I think you were right with the loving, kind compassionate part. I thnk it is easy to take advantage of some of us and perhaps be easily led. It also has to do with boundaries and I am now working and reading up on that......
Thank you for your support my friends. Sorry. Had a moment of weakness last night. It was late.
I do have a dilemma though and it is BC related so I think belongs here: I am beginning to miss a relationship. I am missing the companionship, affection, having someone who cares about me. (I thought T. cared about me and that is a whole diff. conversation having to do with trusting someone again.) So.....putting aside my upcoming surgeries and procedures, and my kids needs (two biggies!) for a minute, I am still conflicted about pursuing a relationship. I want the good stuff but I am not sure I want the compromises. BC has taught me that life is short. If I want to spend time with my kids, then I do. If I want to garden, then I do. I like my house. I don't want to move or necessarily share it with someone, not anymore. (I wanted T. to move in but he had excuses, usually having to do with some failure of mine/me). I am protective of my privacy and my body and my identity - of ME. I don't ever want to lose ME again. Because if my time on this earth is short, and it truly is for everyone, then I don't want to waste it with strangers who may or may not care about you. Or men that want to boss you or control you or take over your life. I just want to stay ME. I don['t want to lose ME ever again. Does this make any sense? I don't know what I want but I am getting to the point where I am longing for more.
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mybee --- everything you say makes sense .... so if we find the RIGHT one then everything will come together ... we haven't found the right one and we allowed ourselves to becomes absorbed by them .... we need to keep the ME too. This being said we have to allow him to keep the "me time" too and not be jealous or concerned about what he is doing when he is not with us.
We need to work on that and then we will have a healthy relationship ....
I am trying ... and it is not easy ...
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That is very true. And that is part of healthy boundaries as well. Two whole people coming together to make a couple, not two halves 'completing' each other. T. is a half - that is why he got a new girlfriend in a month. He can't stand to be alone. I have always been this way too but am trying to change myself.
I like the way you put that - 'to be absorbed by them'. That's how it feels. Like for 4 yrs. I lived his life. Not mine. Saw all his friends, people that are now no longer around, not even the women reached out when we broke up, despite my BC. I want to live MY life now. Who I was intended to be.
How do we know when we are 'whole' enough to do this? He began to be emotionally and physically less available about this time last year due to my dx. The summer was a disaster of fighting and breaking up in the middle of having a MX, CA, etc. Actual break up was Sept. I plan to wait 'til then. Wondering if a year is enough time? My daughter will be safely off to school by then, son will have started high school.
How do you know when it is time? (I feel like Carrie Bradshaw
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You never know until you try ---- I know now that since my b/c that I am not ready. I have a friend that if it developed into something then that would be ok but as to going out and actively trying to date ... I am not there. I need to heal me still.
I think we need to listen to our head and not just our heart ...
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I think you are right.
I had a few dates last Winter and then it kind of bored me. And the more perspective I got on the relationship, the more I realized I had some work to do.
Your dx is fairly recent, as is your tx. It is a very personal journey, isn't it? It would take courage to share it before healing................Mine still feels quite recent.
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