Have any of you found love after your diagnosis and treatment?
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Haven't had a chance to read through all the posts, but I saw the subject of the thread and felt compelled to share.
I found love a matter of days after BMX. The morning of my BMX, as I sat alone on the hospital bed waiting for the nurse to start the pre-surgery meds, I realized that I'd been carrying a special someone in my heart. I vowed in that moment to confide my feelings if I survived surgery. Making good on that promise, I revealed my feelings to my then professor and advisor shortly before Christmas. (I had to wait, of course, to tell him until the fall semester had ended and final grades had been submitted). The attraction was mutual. The next business day he met with his supervisor, discussed the situation, and I was assigned a new advisor. Now we were free to pursue our mutual attraction. About two weeks later he made his first visit (he lived out of state), with the foreknowledge that I'd chosen not to reconstruct and was, three to four weeks post mastectomy, in the earliest stages of healing.
Our time together was a beautiful exchange of hearts and minds touching and sharing space. He went home, we communicated daily, and two weeks later I had my first appointment with my oncologist, who notified me that my BMX pathology was stage II IDC, not stage 0 DCIS, and that I would need to do chemo. Whew! Starting a relationship just after a BMX is one thing, but trying to solidify and carry out a relationship from a distance while going through chemo? Yet that's exactly what we did. While undergoing my TCH treatments, we saw one another twice a month. Eventually the juggle of local responsibilities (family, work, kids) and a long-distance romance became too great. We separated at the end of the year. But it was a great run. And love in a "time of chemotherapy" is a wonderful distraction and motivator. We have remained friends ever since and other loves have arrived and departed. I prefer to inform any man who professes a keen romantic interest, in advance of any intimate approach, that I am a survivor who has had a bilateral mastectomy w/o reconstruction. Thus far not a single one is daunted by it.
We are all lovable and desirable--cancer or no cancer, port or no port, breasts or no breasts. There is love. There is love. I say go for it. Enjoy it. Love and then, as Maude says (in the film Harold & Maude), love some more.
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Anne Marie - that is lovely- thank you so much for sharing... I'm sorry it didn't work out but great you were able to remain friends... You sound like you are in a good place emotionally and have a wonderful attitude.
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What a warm and uplifting story and attitude. A breath of fresh air to our little thread.
Well, how am I doing? Of all my surgeries - 5 BC related - this has been the most painful. I called the office today and was told that the fact that I couldn't sit down and was having so much swelling in the 'genital area' meant my compression garment was way too tight. Who knew? The nurse told me to take it off immediately as it was restricting blood flow. Acted like this was somehow my fault. I had talked to another nurse on Friday, told her my troubles, she had said wear the garment 24/7 for one full week. I can breathe a little now. The boobs are a little full on top. Like I have an extreme push up bra on except I don't. I feel like Barbie. Hoping some of this is swelling and they drop a little. Very full on top actually. The lipo was a killer. Hoping I never need to do this again. I am trying to focus on resting but the nurse said they want me to be up and around to avoid blood clots. Doing what? I do housework, laundry, bake cookies, make meals, water flowers. I hope this is enough moving around. I am in A LOT of pain. I had to cajole them to give me more pain pills today. I don't think I would post this on a reconstruction thread; I wouldn't want to scare people. I am in a surgical bra - also 24/7 - that looks like something out of Barbarella. I haven't shared this with any of my remaining friends. I think it is a little out of their realm of experience. I go on FB sometimes and get into trouble; I can have some strong political opinions and you all know how blunt I can be. Should probably just read more. LOL My Mom stopped by a few days ago and brought flowers and groceries. That was cool. I showed her my getup. She was fascinated and showed the right amount of interest. She's taking me to the dr. on Thurs. for follow-up. They say I can drive in a couple of days. I don't think so - way too achy. I think i'll wait until next week to resume something resembling normal life. Anyway - that's life here.
Hope you all are well or well enough. Keep sharing stories - good and bad - trouble and foibles and despair - I like that we are here for each other.
Peace.
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Happy Fourth of July to all of you
Mybee So sorry to hear about the pain of this surgery. I had no idea these kinds of surgery were so complicated. Geez, that scares me. Anyway, I hope the pain you are experiencing quickly leaves.
Welcome Anne Marie and thanks for your post.
Well, he gave me roses yesterday and took me to a very nice restaurant in Tarpon Springs (where the other guy took me lol). Anyway, I tried to watch him closely. He seemed to stare at women as they were seated at the table. It looked like he stared at one too long and she looked back at him and gave him a nasty look. So he stopped starring until some other women sat down. He seems to stare at young to middle age women that are somewhat attractive.
I dont think I should have to discuss this with him. My thoughts are that if he was satisfied with me, he would not do this. I think it is rude and disrespectful.
Guess, I liked being taken out to nice places and dancing with someone.
When I break it off, it is going to be back to boredom and no male companionship.
Honestly, I could never love any one that behaves like this.
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Oh Maybee---- I'm so sorry! Yes you sound in a lot of pain! I've heard lipo is very painful. Do you use ice too? How long has it been? I hope you love the results at least! I had hoped to have some revision done as I'm very unhappy with my reconstruction but need to go out of state as no one does it here except the Doc who messed it up in the first place. Now can't find a place that takes my insurance.. it is always something.
Painted.... Wow, how odd to stare long enough to get a nasty look back.. I can't imagine. If you talk to him while he is staring does he continue to stare or does that break the habit? I'm so sorry. Other than that and the nice restaurants and roses- how much do you actually like him?
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PL - So sorry to hear he has this nasty habit. I know what you mean about the breaking it off and then it's back to.....? Tony and I used to have a lot of fun just going places, making plans, seeing people, tryng new restaurants, etc. I know we are supposed to make our own fun but it's difficult with limited finances and no one to really do anything with. It's just not the same. But....no sense wasting time with someone you could never love. Uses up time you could be using to find someone decent. He sounds kind of pervy, in a way. Most men would at least control it for the first few months, I think. Or he is incredibly passive aggressive, which is worse.
Took off the Barbarella bra today. Feels great.
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Mybee, I agree with your advice to PL: "No sense wasting time with someone you could never love. Uses up time you could be using to find someone decent." I'm also sorry to hear that you are in so much pain. Is it due to recent revision surgery? Either way, may your recovery be swift. Imagining that Barbarella bra, I bet you feel a whole lot better with it off! Hopefully you can breathe a little bit easier without it.
Take care, everyone, and happy Fourth of July!
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Happy 4th ladies!! Just took a walk around the block and watched all the neighborhood displays. I have always liked the 4th. It's a pretty holiday.
All compression garments off today. Feeling loads better. I see the doc tomorrow. I am pretty happy with the results so far (surgery was 6/27 btw) So.....not so bad. A week of pain for some contouring and nicer boobs. Doable.
Toodles. Hope your holidays were fun and relaxing.
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Glad to hear that you're feeling better, mybee!
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Molly - glad things seem to be going well with your recovery -- keep us posted as to your doctors appointment tomorrow -- Happy 4th to my neighbors to the south -- our big day was on Sunday -- July 1 -- Canada Day. I saw a few minutes of the NYC fireworks show -- spectacular.
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Just got home from the date. Had a great time. Had all intentions of telling him how rude and disrespectful the behavior is. When I met him to go out on the date, I told him that I have someething serious to discuss with him, but I did not want to do it right at the moment. Well, when were got to St. Petersburg, there were loads of women around, and he didnt do it. Then I said to myself, I will just wait because he will probably do it in the restaurnant. After the fireworks, he took me to a nice restaurant, and he didn't do it there either. I am thinking he probably figured out what the serious talk iis going to be about.
Do you think I should still have the talk with him or see if he continues to behave appropriately?
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The only way to guard your heart is to avoid intimate contact. Once a woman makes love to a man, all kinds of biological processes involving taste, touch, smell, oxytocin and bonding come into play and then the road becomes much mre difficult. Keep a physical distance and watch. Altho' truthfully, and I hate to say this, I think you have seen the man.........this is a huge red flag. We/I love to ignore these red flags to get the good stuff (and men know this about us)........this is what makes dating so hard.
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mybee said it -- huge red flag !!! if you are enjoying his company (better then being alone) and his taking you out to nice places .. then keep a physical distance. Be on guard but not enough that you seem stiff and totally uninterested. The one REALLY bad relationship I had ... I talked myself into ignoring my gutt !!!! Pay attention to whay your gutt has to say.
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Well, wait! What if he was doing it cause he was nervous?
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Hmmmmm.......I don't think men eyeball women to the point of rudeness out of nervousness. Something is up here.....
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Hi Ladies
Thank you all so much for taking the time to give me your feedback.
As I mentioned, I have not seen him do that since that time. I watched him carefully when he took me to some other restaurants, and so far he didnt do it. Even though it stopped, last night, I couldnt resist telling him how that behavor makes me feel. He apologized and said some other women in the past have said that to him. I told him in no uncertain terms that this behavior is not acceptable to me. So we shall see.
I have spoken with a couple of guys on the phone, but there was no mutual interest.
One guy told me he had cancer and was in remission for 5 years; so I thought he would be very understanding of my dealing with cancer. When I told him about me, he quickly lost interest. I cant believe it! It is ok for him to deal with it; but not for the female!
How absolutely shallow and unfeeling. I have no time for these shallow creeps.
I also notice that many of these men on these dating sites classify themselves as good looking to very goodlooking. They must be looking at someone else other than themselves in the mirror because most of them look quite ugly to me.
Plan to go dancing tonight; so I will have to take a long nap.
You all have a great day
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LOL Painted lady I like your spirit!! xo
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PL- I so agree! How is it that they think they look so wonderful! Those are the same ones who will write if you are overweight do not contact - of course he is fat and bald, with weird chin hairs! LOL! Then he says he wants someone much younger and by the way don't have a job! Oh my!!!
Well, I'm glad you told him where you stand on that - especially as he admits others have told him the same thing... Not good.
Still no nerve to sign up for myself... of course things have been a bit exciting here with me getting stung by a wasp and my entire hand and arm swelling like the incrediable hulk and then my daughter cutting her hand washing dishes and as I'm bandaging it she faints dead away- luckily I was able to catch her and gently lie her down... No wonder I haven't gone any further.... Whew! time to get more meds for my scary arm...
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Stanzie Sorry to hear about your hand and arm. Geez that sounds painful. Did you go to the doctor?
I got a message today from a fairly goodlooking 69 year old. On his profile, it states that he is "separated" I ask him if he was in the process of a divorce. His reply was that he has a "female roomate and they arent compatiable" and he is in the process of separating. My only thought after I read this was "pig" The women is still with him and he is online trying to get a quick replacement.
What the heck is wrong with these men? Were they always like this and I didnt realise it?
I wish I didn't like men so much lol.
Most are disappointing!
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Do you thnk they become 'piggier' as they get older and have time for bad habits to settle in? You know, I know I have mentioned T. way too much but it occurred to me just several wks go, by putting pieces together (too much to go into here and TMI anyway), that he had a long hx of being on adult websites for chat and viewing, etc., and that I really was not aware of this of fully. We blind ourselves to so much when we re in 'love'. I think that's why he didn't move in with us, despite putting $30,000 in materials alone (also his labor into my house)! Never made sense before I put it together that way. I think he had a raunch/porn addicition he couldn't indulge living here and kept hoping he could change my values. I put together conversations, snippets of nifo. he dropped, etc. I do believe it is so. I am so very glad he never moved in with me and my children. He had told me once his ex-wife accused him of being a pervert. They will tell you who you are really, if you listen closely.
Stanzie - Wow! What a lot of awful drama. I can't believe your daughter fainted! I hope the two of you are all right.
I am home recovering from surgery and staying out of the heat. I read, watch movies. It is boring but will pick up soon when my youngest starts sports practices. Am wondering when I will feel ready to get back into the dating world. Guess I will know when I know. Life seems a little flat without someone to plan with..........but I don't want too many complications either.
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Hi everyone - things are going well here. I am moving into my own place in the next few weeks. I asked Tony where he saw us in a year and he said he honestly couldn't say but that he did see marriage in our future. I am fine with this - I am in no rush to marry again. My husband has only been gone 2 years next month and Tony stayed in a horrible marriage long after he should have left.
So the engagement ring will be on for a long time.0 -
Mybee Hope you are healing well.
Stanzie How are you doing from the wasp sting?
I think these men seem piggier because of what we have to pick from. In my opinion, most of the good ones are kept by their wives; so we are left with alot of garbage. Once in awhile there may be a good one in the garbage. Sorry to be so negative but that is what it seems like to me" Lots and lots of garbage.
I just got a message from a guy that was so suppose to meet me a few months ago. He is trying to meet me again. He claims he had a stroke. I dont believe him. When he was suppose to meet me, he suddenly lost his wallet! I think I smell more garbage!
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painted ..... I have just stopped looking ... I am not in a place physically or emotionally so that helps right now. I sure hope when I "find myself" I am able to find someone to spend time with ....
How many frogs do you have to kiss before you find the Prince? I can't remember ....
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Thanks!!! I'm finally doing better it was a truly horrible weekend. My arm up to my elbow looked like the Incrediable Hulk and hurt like crazy. Talked to my Doc and he said when the poison went from my hand thru my wrist(narrow) to my arm it somehow twisted my nerves. Just like children do when they take their hands and twist someone's forearm - it really hurts. Well this twisting lasted for 36 hours so I was about ready to scream. It was horrendous - I thought I had Shingles as the rash was a twisting red raised rash up from my elbow across my underarm up to my ring and pinky finger. The pain was excruciating. I couldn't sleep as I couldn't let anything touch my arm - not a pillow not anything- so I was in tears sobbing when I finally talked to the on call Doc who said he couldn't prescribe pain meds! Really??? What is the point of on call docs? Anyway, finally got to my Doc on Monday and got it sorted out and the right meds. but a truely horrible weekend.
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Denise - I don't see anything wrong with a long engagement at all. It seems like you both agreed to commit to eachother now you can relax and really get to know each other and sort everything out. I'm hoping it is a lovely engagement.
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hi ladies!
havent posted here in a while. my romantic life is still a bit stagnant at the moment. I am feeling more confident in myself but still not enough to start really looking for anyone.
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Thanks Stanzie. Are you feeling better?
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Getting there - thanks! It has been a rough time but finally getting back to "normal". Ex wants to be friends.... so trying to figure it out but taking it Very slow....
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I'm glad to hear it. I went bra shopping yesterday. I'm only a C cup now compared to my former D-DD's but I have no complaints. They are high & firm which my old boobs weren't. And I can button my blouses now! Considering I'm only 5'1", they work for me. I still don't feel "normal", probably won't until I get my nipples & areolas but it's getting there.
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I liked the title of this thread, but am actually quite surprised by all the negativity. I grew up with six brothers. I'm the only girl. I think that experience has a lot to do with my attitude toward as well as perspective and understanding of men. Human nature, relations, and emotions are complex. No one is perfect. We all have our idiosyncracies, and there are certainly gendered differences (what the exact ratio of bio/culture influence is on gendered behavior may always remain a mystery, but differences, valid ones, do exist). I believe in communication and setting good boundaries. But I don't believe in villifying others because they do not immediately live up to our expectations. Appreciate that others have their own habits. Granted, those habits may be incompatible with your own habits or needs. It's definitely good to know what one's deal-breakers are. With that in mind, I caution: we are products of very long histories (familial, romantic, biological, etc.), not just a moment in time, so what on the surface may look like rudeness may be, when attended to with deeper understanding, something altogether different.
I am a woman (obviously), yet I look whenever a person walks into a restaurant, pulls up to a nearby table, etc. I'm always looking, no matter where I am. Guess what, this is what primates do. We check for threat. We check for alliances, familiars we need to passify or groom to reinforce bonds of alliance and trust, and that "grooming" is sometimes just a nod of acknowledgment or a walking over to say "hi" to a group of associates or friends. We all monitor, guard, and stroke (reinforce social networks). And we're hardwired to pay attention to moving, visual stimuli. Some men may be able to resist the urge, but just because they don't doesn't necessarily mean they are looking only with their prick. Sometimes a look is just that--a look. I understand, though, that we all have our preferences shaped by our own internal schemas. Behaviors I may be perfectly comfortable with may unsettle others and vice versa. But why can't difference be just that? Why must we judge a man's entire character--his worthiness--by one act? Why not respect that he's a three-dimensional being like the rest of us? I think it's important to give people a little room. I've never met a person I'd call garbage in my whole life. And I've dated extensively. Maybe I've just been lucky, or discerning, or... who knows. But the posts here are so far out of field for me that it's disheartening. Makes me wish you had the benefit of having a more positive experience of--or in the least, more postive outlook on--men. Growing up with six brothers, I got to see men at their worst and best. And generally, I have to say, men are awesome, amazing beings. I respect what they do, and the complications of modern society they face. They live in a world where they're damned if they do (look, compliment, etc.) and damned if they don't (what, I'm not pretty enough for you? You don't desire me?). When it comes to women, men quite frankly can't catch a break. Not an excuse, just an acknowledgment. I know there must be more among you who have dated wonderful men. I've been blessed with many, and even more blessed to have remained good friends with all of them.
You know what they say, if you get a lemon, make lemonade (enjoy your time for what it is, be friends, or walk away). Besides, lemons smell so much nicer than garbage. And sometimes it's our perspective or attitude which needs to be thrown into the garbage, not the guy.
NOTE: I'm using terms some of you have used in your posts, I know. But my message is general, not specific to you, and I do understand that there are bad men out there. You have every right to your perspective and, more importantly, your needs. I absolutely fundamentally believe it is critical that we honor our needs and boundaries. Compromise is good. But one cannot sacrifice their essential self in the process. So, if he's garbage, hey, he's garbage. I understand. I just worry that the negative stroke with which men are being painted in several recent posts is far too broad.
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