Bonfire of the Goddesses
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So tonight time to dump it all on the fire! Starting with why me? Have been taking care of dh who had unsuccessful discetomy 8 years ago followed by pain pill addiction. Installed pain stimulator 2 years later miracle cure no more pills. MRSA Infection led to meningitis ICU for 2 weeks followed by 4 weeks iv antibiotics at home. Back on pain pills. Now daily migrains. Tried nerve block with steroids. Oops CDC called to say he was injected with fungal tainted steroids! Thankfully no problems with that. Now frigging bc hair started falling out tonight. For heavens sake when is enough enough!? Did I forget to mention my mother is fugitive from the law and moved out of country can't come back! We weren't exactly close. She has always made bad decisions but still. Thought middle years would be great. Jokes on me
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lpc....(((hugs)))). So sorry to hear all that you are going through. It is a lot to carry. Throw it all into the fire and let it burn, baby burn. Take care.
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Lpc, I'm with you, sister. Life ain't fair and it sucks sometimes. Here's knocking on wood we both catch a break and have a bit of peace for awhile. I saw a sign the other day that said, "Shit happens. Usually to me, so you're cool." At least that made me laugh.
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Gritgirl I need that on a tshirt!
This is all so new it seems like everyday something sets off tears and/ or anger! Feeling good only means its time for chemo so I can feel crappy for a few days all over again. Have barely started this journey and am oh so tired already! DS tells me to visualize I am stuck at a drawbridge when it goes down it will be better on other side. He forgets I hate traffic jams. Lol. Not one to usually feel sorry for myself but damn I am tired of being strong.
So glad to have a place to rant and whine.0 -
Lpc. When do you finish chemo. It sucks, but you'll get through it. Just keep coming here and keep whining.
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IPC drop all into the fire, and let it go. There are times to bring it up again as need arises, as in a teaching for a newbie which you are one. BC Sucks. Your DH's hx sucks. Into the fire. Use the fire well. It truly will allow you to let things go if you let it. Jo was masterfull with the thought. Visualize the fire dancing, as you throw something in, see it burning, feel the heat and sizzle. Then let it be.
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Today was a new and better day. This fire really works! It is great to have you ladies for support and encouragement. I am sure I will be back often but for now am doing all right! Chemo 2 tomorrow then 6 more to go!
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lpc, just hang in there and keep coming back. :-)
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ipc - Glad you are doing better today. Like the others have said, come back and come often. Someone is always here.
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Hi, I am so happy I found you! I have been on this site but just now I clicked to this discussion and I love all of you and your posts! I would like to throw into the fire the people at my office commenting on my rolling purse, as I call it, that I got because carrying or toting a purse makes the pain worse. Are you going on a trip, they say. Yeah, it's called the Surviving Cancer Cruise.
.......That felt good!!0 -
Glad today is a better day, lpc. I hope that your next chemo is not too difficult.
wirdgirl...you just roll that purse girl. Don't worry about what they think or say. We all do what we have to do to keep on keeping on.
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Wirdgirl...you found us? And threw something on the fire? And you feel better? Congratulations! You are now a Goddess! Welcome!
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Wildgirl. I love you. I had one of those too. I called it my chemo bag. But I like your name for it better. F them if they can't take a joke.
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Wildgirl - Welcome and so glad you found us. Already throwing things on the fire? Good for you. Screw those people at work. Hey, they are just jealous of that rolling purse. Don't listen to them. VR said it right - you are now a Goddess! Congratulations.
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hi ladies, been here in spirit but work is keeping me so busy I haven't posted much lately. Just caught up, lots going on! ((hugs)) to everyone, love you all.
The SICO (sh*thead in corner office) is gone. Announced on a Mon that his last day would be Fri. Four days notice. What a guy. You may remember him as the SOB whose hair I always pictured on fire. So now the workplace is busier but happier. Amazing how the energy improved. His position won't be filled because the office is closing and we're all relocating at the end of June so we'll just have to make do for the next six weeks. ♥
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Badger, hurrah SICO gone, glad the moods lightened
Throwing Vertigo into fire, it's whirling me around too much!
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Badger - Glad your workplace has improved. It is so much nicer to go to work knowing the SOB is finally gone.
Sas - Throw that darn vertigo in. The swirling will keep the fire going. Hope you feel better soon.
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Throwing on all my despair and hopelessness. It seems like I go through hell, start to finally feel a little better, try to get out and do fun things, then some fresh new hell opens up and things are even worse than before simply because I keep losing everything that ever gave me pleasure. First chemo gave me neuropathy and fatigue, lost my piano and work. Surgery gave me chronic pain that I was FINALLY getting under control. Multiple meds to treat SEs gave me multiple MORE SEs that I have been dealing with since Sept 2010 and finally had things down to a minimum of only "as needed" drugs, and then more recurrence and mets, so back on more meds and more SEs. And finally feeling better, went out and did just a little gardening, got LE. Now am bandaged, cannot garden, typing is a royal pain, can't paint, can't even brush my teeth, feed myself or take care of personal hygiene except with left hand, and it is NOT PRETTY! I don't know how much more of this I can take and am nearly ready to discontinue ALL treatment and see if I can hurry things up a bit. All I want is to have just a month or two of good summer, out in the sun, by the pool or on the beach, able to wear shorts & t-shirt WITHOUT encumberment of sleeve/gauntlet/glove to make my arm hot and useless, without pain, able to taste food, eat without nausea. be active without overwhelming fatigue. I want one more backpacking trip with DH in October - fall is my absolute favorite season. I am so tired of appointments - have had 11 appointments in May already, have 8 more scheduled, and may have another couple tossed in, depending on what my "team" thinks should be next steps. I am tired and weary and just want a break so I can rest. Thanks for letting me vent here.
SAS, sorry you are having that miserable vertigo, hope it resolves quickly.
Badger, so glad to hear you are getting a break from SICO (Love that term!!!!).
Sending best wishes to all of you - VR, 1openheart, Jo, Gritgirl, lpc, and all you others.0 -
Linda - I am not going to tell you to "hang in there" or any of that other crap. I can't begin to imagine what you are going through. What I do know is I hate this freaking disease and it breaks my heart that your are hurting and not feeling well. I also want you to know I am here to support you in whatever treatment decisions you make. I have always had you in my prayers and they is where you will stay. Hugs!
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Oh Linda...I wish I could take away your pain, even if just for a little bit. What you are describing just sounds awful. You have every right to be royally pissed off!!
Ditto everything that Jo just said. She echoes my thoughts exactly.
Know that you are in my thoughts tonight and that I am sending you energy and heartfelt wishes for some peace, some ease, healthier days and much love in your life.
((((HUGS)))))
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Linda. Cancer is a horrible, taking away kind of disease. None of us deserve this. I know what you mean about quality of life. Whatever you decide, we are here with you. I was talking to another stage iv woman the other night, and she remarked that it was about taking control of your life in any way we can. That's how I feel. I am tired of cancer running my life, damnit. So I am going to do what I can, even if it's little, to take control of my life again. Screw this disease.
Go sit in your garden, listen to music, drink as much wine or eat as much ice cream as you want. Let the sun warm your face. We will be with you, holding your hand, telling the cancer to go screw itself. You deserve better.0 -
it's time to find a freekin cure/vaccine...they could send a man to the moon and find vaccines for every shittin thing....I hate this disease too....
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Linda, You really do deserve a break! Here's hoping you get most of what you wish for summer and are energetic enough to do the backpacking trip in Oct. I love that season of the year also - the trees are so pretty and there are some of the bluest skies in the year. Sending warm hugs and peace.
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Linda... I hope tomorrow is a little more kinder and gentle to you....I also wish you strength and peacefulness. I know and appreciate how you feel about medical appointments. I spent every day last week either in a doctor's office or in the hospital with the DH! I was happy that Saturday came and I was finally able to enjoy attending a bridal shower... It gave me such pleasure to see a young couple looking forward to their future together...in sickness and in health and everything in between. I wish you well so you and your beloved will continue to be blessed with many more days of everything in between...
And dear Goddess Sheila...have you been checked to see if you have crystals in your ear???0 -
With you Linda, listening, caring, praying for you to find moments of peacefulness, happiness and joy whenever and wherever you can. You are courageous. Sit in the warm sun, in your garden. Hire someone to do the parts that tire you, and eating ice cream is a great idea.load it with your favorite sauce - I'll take mine with caramel! Wish I could sit with you and do your gardening.
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Linda hugs sweetie, calling
VR thanks, I do, have done the exercises and it does well, then I bend at the waste and the slide away again. Sometimes the whirling is fun, but not when I forget and move to quick.
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Thank you all SO MUCH for your support! It means a lot to me.
And, of course, things always change. Today is different, I am feeling a bit better, maybe even hopeful. My LE therapist actually has LE herself, and she was amazing with me yesterday when I talked to her about my roller coaster emotions and despair. She said I had had a MAJOR problem (no one else has really said how bad the episode is, and that is frustrating because if it is no big deal, I will treat it as such and go back to the benign neglect that I am great at, but since she told me that it IS a big deal, I will work very hard to be as compliant as humanly possible to get the best possible results.) And she gave me a better idea of timing, activity, other helpful suggestions. Still not happy with typing with fingers bandaged - and I am so compulsive I just can't let a typo stand, have to go back to correct them, which slows me down.
Did I throw in my loss of taste and appetite? Wine does not taste good - in fact, my previous favorite white wine tastes spoiled. Ice cream has no flavor. I am trying to put lots of lemon juice on my veggies and just forcing the yogurt and protein sources.
My 3 sisters are coming the first weekend of June to help me put in my garden. A little late to get some things in, but it will be gorgeous and we will have a lot of fun. I am so grateful for these 3 strong and loving women, and I know they want to spend time with me while I am feeling pretty good. I promised them gelato and a trip to Archiver's to get scrap-booking supplies. Cheap labor!!!!
VR, I hope things are going better for you today as well.
And you all have no idea how much I appreciated each supportive comment. Sending you all my prayers for each of you: May you be free of pain and fear, may you be loved, may you be at peace. Namaste.0 -
Linda - sending you hugs!
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Linda: I am so glad that you are feeling better and that you have your three sisters coming in to see you. I am jealous of the sister.
Today I'm throwing my sister on the fire. My good sister died in February 2011, leaving me with little Miss Narcissist. Saturday night I had to go to the ER because I have a blood clot in my neck due to my port (I'm on blood thinners now).
Granted, her daughter graduated from college this weekend and her son ended up in the ER on Saturday himself with a kidney infection. But today my sister emails me about all these going ons, which I am interested in, and then ends the email with "How are you?"
I asked her if she'd gotten my previous email that told her about my ER visit. Haven't heard back. Meg has always been a self-centered idiot, and I should be used to it. But still I feel hurt each time, at least a little hurt. As a friend once said, don't go to the hardware store if what you're looking of is bread. I wish my sister Melissa were still here. I miss her.
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gritgirl - I also have a younger sister that is so self absorbed it makes me want to throw up. She talks to me when SHE wants to. If I make an attempt, she ignores me. I see her on facebook all the time and she won't take 2 seconds to type in HI and hit the send button. Your sister and mine need to get together. They would make the perfect pair.
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