Not quite a horder - decluttering
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Wren - perfect description. Buy one pair. If fits, buy another pair. In May I scored a pair of white Gloria Vanderbilt 'jeans' from Costco for $11.99. They fit so well I immediately ordered a black pair on line - $11.99 and free shipping. I'm set for the summer & the winter.
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Vargadoll and Mustlovepoodles: What happens to us post BC dx where shopping is no longer fun? So many of us feel the same way. BeforeI shopped all the time. Mindless looking, seeing what’s new or on sale.
Now I rarely go. I never thought of de cluttered as a state of being to hope for!
My girls keep asking if I’m sick again.
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Val - that's a riot that your girls think you're cleaning because of health issues. You Go Girl!!!
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Heading to the thrift store to drop off a load of junk now! Feeling good about the less is more!
I mainly shopped for clothes. At one point I had over 300 pairs of shoes. When we moved to the house we are in now my shoes were a Suburban load! My DH made a picture of the 8 passenger suv with the middle and back seats down and it was top to bottom back to front shoes...what an eye opener that was!
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haven't been doing much de-cluttering because I was traveling this week...but when I came home from my trip I could already see the difference my very modest efforts had made. Yay!
I am also not one who likes to shop all that much. I do admit that I like to browse gift shops at museums and such, but clothes: not so much. and shoes? Hah! my hubby claims he married me because I only owned six pairs of shoes.... and yet, somehow I ended up with all this stuff to get rid of for our move!
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I hope I can see a difference when i get back from vacation. I haven't bought any suveniors. Told my sister not to get any for my kids. I would like a wind chime. My son wants paddle board lessons. That would last a lifetime
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Good idea Zills. I can't count al the shells and rocks we kept for souvenirs from trips. I've decided I'm going to get rid of them unless we can say where a specific item came from and why it's important. I can think of a shell from Barbados and a piece of white and pink quartz from our first back packing trip. The family teases me because I bitched the whole way up about how heavy my pack was, then picked up a rock to take back. We hiked above the tree line and I realized for the first time that I feel oppressed by trees and long for open sky.
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Yesterday the utility room got a mini makeover. Part of it will be used for a changing room for the pool. With 6 grandchildren I'm trying to cut down on wet feet and butry running through the house. I had a huge black trash bag full waiting in DH to haul off. Today I got the bird bath and feeder moved. Got all the pool floats clean that were worth saving and the other in the trash. Productive day!
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I was visiting with my Mom and her partner the other day. She asked me how my decluttering was coming, specifically my garage/basement. Come to find out, she wants to store some of her stuff in MY basement! I am floored. She has a barn, a storage shed and a bunkhouse available where she lives, plus the basement there, AND 2 storage sheds on her property (the mobile home has just been moved off and is being used elsewhere), and has stuff stored in my cousin's garage near there. And she says she doesn't collect or hold on to anything! She wants to move the woodworking tools from the old place to my place and set up an woodworking area in MY basement. For HER use. It's been more than 10 years since she's done anything like that. I was glad I could tell her that my basement still needs work. The reality is that I don't plan to ever keep the basement/garage cleaned up to her standards--I will NOT wash a concrete garage floor once a week, nor will I dust and vacuum the beams weekly.I will sweep it out periodically, but I park my car there, it's going to have dirt and dust on the floor. And I sure as shooting do NOT want to have to try to keep a wood working shop are clean and dusted and organized. ARRGGHH!!!
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NM- I am floored too that your mother wants to fill up your newly cleaned space with her stuff. I am speechless. I think you handled it well by telling her you are still working on the basement. Perhaps this is a bit of a realization of what you may be facing some day with cleaning out her space(s) though?
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Dh and I just got back from vacation, and I have a few things to share with you when I am more settled in. I want to address your situation, tho, Native Maine. Great job setting boundaries with your mom. Doesn't it feel good to assert yourself? It is a way to honor the work you've done decluttering. It sounds like if you gave your mom a foothold into your place, who knows where that would lead. Do you think you could gently point out to her some of the areas where she lives that she could simplify and make space for her ww equipment? I'd also avoid discussing your decluttering successes with her now that you realize she's attempting to make plans for “your" cleared out space!
I think we all have those relatives who try to push the envelope in one way or the other. I was very happy that dh has told his sisters that his mother's place across the street from us must be emptied by the end of the month so take whatever it is they want because we do not have room in our garage to store anything. He has always had a problem standing up to them, so I was relieved he let them know he wasn't going to pick up the slack of their indecisions. This way they don't get any ideas.
Wrenn, ha ha, love your rock story! Fascinating insight about wanting to see wide open spaces!
Vargadoll, making a pool changing room in the utility room is a great idea!
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NM- Divine makes a good point about not talking to your mom any further about the de-cluttering activities. Unfortunately, family and friends whom we love can see these things activities as "opportunistic" for themselves. Been there when I have had to deal with things in the past. I have learned that if you have breaks in your work schedule with contracts, people see that as an opportunity for you to help them with something (moving, painting, you name it). Help with elder care things is another biggie (even with my sister whose partner has aging relatives). The universe hates a void and when we clear something out, things move in (and we have to decide what things we want). More stuff is less time maintaining it and more free time for you! You are a good and kind soul, this much I know is true, but you are definitely not doing this to open up space for other people's stuff, even your mom's!
I have been doing out those once a year drawer and cabinet clean out activities. Last weekend was the cabinet under the dresser with all the cold medicines, skin care products, etc. I like to purge old medications (even over the counter) once a year and also old lotions and make up at least once a year. Today I am cleaning out my utensil drawer and cleaning my stainless steel. I always end up with a lot of plastic forks and other junk there I don't need (I recycle the extra plastics).
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Jazzy, I love that word you use, opportunistic! I just had this conversation with my husband today! I told him now that the responsibility of caring for his mom—-40 years of looking out for her ( 30 of those in which we were married); the last 3 years where she lived across the street from us, he is going to have a vaccum in his life and he needs to make sure other people do not fill up that time for him. I mentioned boundaries and choosing to do what he wants, not what he is guilted into doing. I am sure I will have the conversation with him a few more times. His son from a previous marriage is one I am thinking of. Great person, but dh does all the giving and not much reciprocation from his son.0
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NM - perfect response. I too love the word opportunistic. I seem to be the queen at that in my neighborhood lately & must pull back again. Need something...something happens...call Minus.
Bought a new summer top today so two others have to go. This rule works well for me.
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This is a great article about drama. How other people can create it with us, when to not engage, how to not label it as such too quickly. The world feels like nothing but drama to me anymore, so I need some guidelines. My favorite line in here is that not everything requires a response.
Hope you find these helpful too!
https://tinybuddha.com/blog/7-crucial-steps-to-min...0 -
Jazzy--Cleaning out after Mom dies is going to be a major job. A MAJOR job. Particularly now that her stuff is intermixed with Dick's stuff. Good Lord help us if Mom and Dick die together. Which is a real possibility since they are together most of the time. It would only take one car crash to put us in that situation.Both Mom and Dick have wills and have made clear who gets what as far as the important and valuable stuff (the property, investment accounts, certain items of value) but neither Mom nor Dick even know all of what is packed away in thebarn and the shed and the bunkhouse. There is a big area in the basement that is full of Dick's ex-wife's things, and she had Alzheimer's for years and died last year. I dread the day I'm going to have to start dealing with that stuff. But that thought is adding to my motivation to get my own house cleaned out.
Anyway, I think I can keep her stuff out of my house by pointing out that I live with a dog and the things will start to smell like dog if she keeps them here. That, and the basement may never get finished with the decluttering, cleaning and organizing. And it's too far away--a good 45 minute drive--so it's not like she can pop in and work on something when she has a few minutes between household chores and such.
Mrs. M--Mom has spaces she can clean out, and has had plans for all of them that fall through for one reason or another, mostly that she won't ask for help. The bunkhouse would make a great craft room, but some big furniture needs to be moved.They won't ask Dick's son to help move stuff cuz he's too busy, and it would take more than one person to move the stuff. They won't ask me cuz I'm a girl. But Dick's son, one or two of his teenage kids and myself could get together and probably get the stuff moved in a couple of hours, if they'd just say they want it done and let us set up a time to do it. Not that I can say much, I have a hard time asking for help with things, too.
I don't talk to Mom and Dick about the decluttering unless they bring it up. Unfortunately, Mom brings it up regularly. And you are right about stuff filling the void left by cleaning out. I've been able to do more gardening and landscaping since the decluttering started and thatis the direction I want to continue to move in, so the basement space is going to be reorganized to support that. I'll need storage for the tools and supplies, and a space for potting bench, and, eventually, space for canned goods as my veggie gardening increases and I preserve more stuff. So, no room for woodworking tools!
Good idea to purge make up and lotions and first aid stuff on a regular basis.
Great article about drama! I never really thought about me being the one bringing the drama to the table, but I can see how that has/is happening at work, and it is me looking for attention. I really need to do some thinking about this. Thanks for sharing the article, Jazzy! I, too, love the line that not everything requires a response.
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Hi folks- I am glad you enjoy the term "opportunistic". It came from some old biology learning years ago about opportunistic feeders in the wildlife world like bears, raccoons, etc. But I learned long ago that people can be opportunistic feeders too in their own way. You share something in passing you are doing and the next thing you know, they have found a way to tap in to it. I think we all have these people in our lives, they may be relatives, friends, people we know at work. I listen carefully for those "trying to get a foot in the door on this" types and usually try to cut it off quickly. People who do this need strict boundaries. Cancer has taught me to be even better at it too!
NM- I know you will have a big job ahead of you friend. If you ever see that window of opportunity with your mom and Dick, once you are done with your own project, try to help them get rid of stuff they know they don't want. When my sister and I used to go back to visit our mom after our dad was gone, we would make it a point to de-clutter something with her. One time it was a bunch of old paints and other household chemicals we took to to dispose of safely. My mother would agree to these things with time. When it came time to clean out the house though (they lived there 50 years), it was still really hard. Does Dick have kids? You will need a team to do it but honestly, all the work you are doing at home now will help you to know what to do when the time comes. Our mom was still alive when we had to do it, as we had to move her in to assisted living, so that was hard too. Be thinking ahead on this friend.
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My mother passed away last summer. It was always her intention to declutter her house, but she just couldn't bear to get rid of anything. Her house wasn't so bad when my step-father was alive. He was retired military and their house was neat as a pin back then.He died in 2002 and from that point on Mother just gave up on cleaning. She acquired mountains of sheet music, camping gear, and craft supplies, which were strewn about the house occupying every room. She shopped at thrift stores for recreation. She allowed her cats to poop and pee on things and the whole house smelled like wet dog.
There came a time when Mother wanted to move into a small senior apt. No problem, she thought. She'd just sell the house and use that money. Except that by that time she wasnt physically or psychically capable of clearing things out. So, she moved anyway and her house, with all her hoard, sat there while she fretted about not having money (she was sitting on $200,000 "for a rainy day". At age 82.)
Mother's house became a millstone around her neck. The clutter shamed her and caused her to isolate herself from all her friends. She became increasingly anxious and depressed, which in turn prompted her to go shopping to feel better. Mothers last years were pretty miserable. When she passed it took seven of us 6 weeks to go through her stuff and disperse with her things. I NEVER want to do that to my kids!
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Great article about drama Jazzy. Thanks for posting. I to am going to take some time to think about all those points.
You were fortunate that your Mom would talk about getting rid of things. My Mom was happy to get rid of clothes her clothes - but saved a lot of her Mother's clothes & her kids clothes. She wouldn't part with dishes/vases/platters that had meaning to her - even if they were chipped or cracked & badly repaired. Neither would she part with papers. She just kept copying more & more pieces of paper & pictures that she wanted her kids to see/have/value. She had a stroke & became a vegetable 12 years before she died, but my Dad would not let us get rid of anything. (who are we kidding - us was me)
I think value is the key. What is of value & why. Things that are most valuable to me are because of the memories involved with them. Intellectually I understand those memories aren't often the same for my son - as my memories were not the same as my Mothers - but there are some things I just can't let go.
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A professional who helps seniors downsize said her technique is to hand the client pink stickers and ask him/her to put them on things they absolutely want to take with them. That way they don't feel like something really precious will be ripped out of their hands. Once that's done, it's easier to contemplate the rest and decide what to do with it.
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Oh, lord, Wren. My mother would had had the house covered with pink stivkers.
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My mother already does have post-it's taped to the back and underside of anything valuable (mostly talking of sentimental value.) She's written the name of the person she'd like to get it when it's time. Since my father passed away she downsized into a 1 bedroom apartment and did a really good job of paring down. I was proud of her. However, she managed to keep decorations for every possible holiday tucked away in some secret spot in that little apartment! It drives my brothers bananas but it makes her happy. She's 92 so she's earned the right to have as many little pilgrim cornhusk dolls as she wants for that one week a year they come out.
I was starting to make some progress decluttering my house, but I got sidetracked by getting laid off last week. I guess the upside is that I will have more time at home to do the organizing/tossing/donating but looking for work is a full-time job! I may have no choice to rent out a bedroom in my apartment to help with the rent. If I do that I'll REALLY have to get my act together fast. My dining room that is really a sewing/crafting/home office/storage room won't cut it with a roommate. ARGH!
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Jazzy--I like the term "opportunistic" too, but was thinking of it in the medical sense--an opportunistic infection is one caused by a bacteria/virus/yeast/fungus that is always present but usually harmless, unless something weakens the host, then the bacteria take advantage of the situation to multiply out of control. Mom will take advantage of the opportunity to mover her stuff into my place if I weaken in my decluttering and cleaning out and reorganizing commitment. So, the basement has moved to the bottom of the areas to be completed list, which does not mean I won't be working on it, it just won't ever get officially finished. Mom is always working on some cleaning out project or another, but mostly ends up just packing stuff in totes and boxes and piling them up somewhere. I've offered to help many times, but it never seems to work out. I keep telling myself that it's HER circus, and thus HER monkeys to corral and control. Someday, however, that will change.Dick does have kids. I'm not close with them, but recognize them when I see them and they occasionally are visiting when I visit, and weget along ok. Dick's kids have already had to deal with some of this stuff with their Mom as her Alzheimer's progressed and she had to be moved from her home to an assisted living apartment, to a nursing home. She was quite a hoarder, from what I've heard and the first couple of moves where pretty hard. This is always in the back of my mind these days, as I see Mom and Dick aging.
Poodles--oh my, what a horrible thing your Mom went through. My house was becoming a millstone like that, which is part of what got me moving on decluttering, but hearing your Mom's story shows me where I might have ended up (and could still if I'm not careful to maintain progress). Not what I want for myself or anyone who has to clean up after me when I'm gone.
Minus--Value and memories are important. I do have some things that I am keeping only for the associated memories, which I value. Fortunately, these items aren't many, and aren't large. I'm allowing myself to keep them, but will review them periodically, and am assigning places for them to go to when I am ready to let them go (or die, whichever comes first). Many of the items that were Dad's will go to the Historical Society in his home town. Not having children of my own, I have had to think pretty hard about where some things that I value should go when I die, and has made me think about relative value. I have my maternal Grandmother's china set, probably not monetarily very valuable (it was brought back from overseas by one of my uncle during his military service), not a pattern I would ever have picked out for myself, but very valuable to me, and on display in a china cabinet in my living room. Still trying to figure out where to have this go that isn't a junk shop or junk yard, cuz that though bothers me. Don't want to stick with someone else to try to figure out what to do with, either. So that's a work in progress.I think it's ok to hold on to some things, so long as I can say WHY I am holding on to them.
Wren--marking important items that way is a great idea! Takes away some of the fear of losing something important accidentally.
Agatha--sorry to hear about getting laid off. That must be scary and worrisome.Having more time to declutter is a plus, but needing to job search is important. In your situation, I'd have to have a timer, work on decluttering for a set amount of time, work on job search a set amount of time, do nothing or just amuse myself for a set amount of time. Otherwise I get bogged down or overwhelmed, and never even get started.
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Agatha, Sorry you were laid off - and you're right. Looking for a job is way more work than having a job. Native has a great idea to work for set times and then do something you enjoy.
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Thanks, Native and Wren. I like the idea of setting out distinct blocks of time so I just don't sit on the floor overwhelmed by it all.
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I did better than two tops out for the new one I bought last week. I'd been holding on to a number of 'boat neck' or wide jewel neck tops because they have 3/4 sleeves. I like these sleeves since I'm always cold. But I just can't come to grips with the wide bra straps of my compression bra hanging out there for all to see. And I have no choice with the lymphadema. When I last sorted, I put a bunch of these tops in a different room. I've looked for over a year for "V" neck tops with 3/4 sleeves or tops with a tighter neck, but they're scarce as hen's teeth. Today I talked to my tailor about pulling the necks in a bit. With one style she may be able to put a dart in the middle of the back. With another, she may be able to just open the shoulder seam & pull up the material. So I kept two for experimentation but folded up all the rest and packed away for the Battered Women. One top in - Eleven tops out. Woo Hoo!!
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MinusTwo - I'm so with you on this one! I wear a tank top under just about all my tops to cover the wide bra straps of the compression bra. I was a Victoria Secret girl before and always wore beautiful bras. The compression bras are far from pretty! I have a bag full of the Victoria's Secret bras in my closet and I'm not ready to part with them yet. Maybe next year.0 -
VargaDoll - I've finally gotten rid of all but one 'pretty' bra. I don't think I've worn that in 3 years. I did save a couple of Danskin jogging bras but don't wear those often since my LE therapist says they don't come up high enough under the arms or cover the back. So why did I need all these lovely low neck tops which work so well in our HOT southern climates? But they were so pretty. Gone!!! Sigh.
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I found a shirt last year that looks like a camp shirt but is the thinnest material and really cool. I sunburn instantly so need to stay fairly covered up, even when it's hot.
It seems to me that someone could make higher necked cool tops. Lands End has mastectomy suits that are a little more covered than their regular ones. They look the same unless you really compare them side by side. And make cuter bras. There are a lot of us and we still like pretty.
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I wore my Moving Comfort sports bras (much like a compression bra) after lumpectomy surgery and have found through time, they are the most comfortable bras to wear in the new world in which I live. I was told no underwire after surgery and rads for some time, and now that I have lots of scar tissue so the underwires are no longer something I can wear much anyways (maybe for an evening with a particular outfit). My moving comfort bras have wide straps too and with summer tanks, I have to watch that. You can find Moving Comfort bras at REI or on line too. I think there is a whole untapped business opportunity for "breast cancer friendly fashion".
I was super self conscious of my bathing suit tops/area when I went back to swimming after cancer. Along the way, I found some great swim shirts at Big 5 for those of you that have those (or go on line). I had some residual evidence from rads and also the sentinel node biopsies on both sides, and did not want to answer questions about those. Not too visible now, but of course, there are scars we still carry with all this. Some of the shirts are short sleeved, like a t-shirt and others longer sleeved (for sun protection). I wear them a lot, something you can easily pull over a tank suit or wear with a sports bra and bathing suit bottom. Worth looking in to if you are around pools or the beach this summer and you want more coverage.
Also found these great soft sided bras at Walgreens by Hanes that I love and wear around home too.
I love to talk bras! Comfort is key for us after all this.
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