Single life after a mastectomy
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yeah i get what you are saying. she thinks im using my illness as an excuse so saying that just confirms that even though its true obviously i am one...
Am really learning not to put up with so much crap even from when i was first dx..
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Glad to hear from you BB. Hope everything is ok today? No. Cant really do anything. Cant stitch it because you dont want to chance closing up any gook in there. It has to heal from the inside out. I go in Tuesday, and they may cut away dead skin, and send me home with new dressing instructions (probably entails packing the wound depending on if and how much he has to cut).
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Melp- remember, you can take a break and just let things suspend for awhile without explanation to this woman. With time, you may know better if you want to keep her (and these other friends around) or not. When we are in the worst of situations, it is hard to let go of anything or anyone. I really DO understand that friend.
I had one of my local friends who struggled with my cancer diagnosis. Her best friend from back home has advanced colon cancer and think that was all she could deal with. After some things that went on during my treatment, I made the decision to not pursue keeping in touch with her as much, focused on taking care of me and waited later to see if she might meet me somewhere half way. When her mother died the year after I finished treatment, she dialed me up in tears. The family was fighting about whether to have a funeral for the mom and stayed out of that drama, but went to a dinner a friend had for her in memory of her mother. Over the next year, things were back to the same. Phone calls, texts, e-mails that were sent on occasion were never responded to. Last year, I invited her to a concert trying to see if there was a chance we could still be concert buddies, and she accepted but wanted someone else to go too. I said fine, but then it became then and I was the tag along. .
When I saw her last summer, the time at the concert was uncomfortable at best. All she talked about was her friends cancer and she had just been to see her. She and her niece were clearly the buddies there and I was the outsider. I told myself again, one friend with cancer was enough for this woman. I enjoyed the music (Steely Dan and Elvis Costello) and said goodbye at the end, and told myself that was it. No more calls, texts, e-mails, birthday or Xmas cards. I just stopped.
That was last July and I have not heard anything from her. My thought process is that if someone knows you have or have had a cancer dx, and you go off the radar and they don't keep in touch, that is pretty telling, right? I knew when I stopped with any effort, it would end. I know one of these days, we will run into each other at a concert, or in a store. If asked, which I doubt I would be, about why she has not heard from me, my response would be I did not sense a sincere interest to keep in touch.
Another friend who could not do the cancer thing was really not very nice to me during my dx and treatment. She circled back around after she thought I was done with it and said "sorry we lost touch." I made a point to stop talking to her because she was so awful to me. She tried to resurrect the friendship like nothing happened and thought "wow, I just couldn't do it. That ended a couple years ago too. I got diagnosed with bc in Sept of 2012, and by 2014-2015, I realized these relationships were just over.
It took me awhile to be sure I was ready to let these people go. We women have to go through a process to be sure when we are ready to move on and cut the cord. So you do what you need to, but also don't let them waste your precious time on yourself. Cancer teaches up to stand up better for ourselves.
And the bright spot in all this, is I found who the really awesome people were that could show up and stay and do care. Be watching for those people in your life. They are the keepers!
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BB- I agree with that. I think that was something you learned early and always remembered. I went through a lot of things in my 30s with sick family, as I have shared here. Then with elder care issues into my 40s and early 50s. I similar experiences all the way through that too. I have always see people leave during hard times, or needed to move on from them because of their reaction and denial. Each relationship is there for a reason, a season, or a lifetime. We just find that out through time.
Melp, is this helpful to you?
It is really hot here, like 100 degrees and will be the next 8 days. Phoenix and Palm Springs are a horror show pushing 120 degrees. Wildfires galore. The west is burning up!
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BB- I hope you can get some resolution to this situation. I am sure your boys have already figured out what their father is about as grown men. There are so many deadbeat men out there.
I have a lot of drama on my project right now, but trying to help them through as best I can. My team of physicians came undone last week around a demo we did about the new changes to the electronic medical records. I spent all week doing "damage control" around things as my client is out of town. Talk about being left holding the bag. Long story short, I am there to help them implement this change, but they need to sort out their own politics. I hope this week will be better, but will expect anything.
It is another hot day and inside working on the house. My meditation class has restarted and going to that tonight.
Wishing everyone a good week
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yeah your post is really helpful. thanks jazzy. Im taking the time now to think through how im going to approach her. hopefully my thinking will be clearer and i can work through it the right way.
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BB, ugh. I dont understand the system there. Makes no logical sense.
Melp, I dont envy you
I'll have to deal with my friend eventually, and knowing her, it's not going to be pretty and probably very one sided (I dont really get angry anymore, and if I do, it comes out as a surprisingly calm, logical view on most situations). Just have to catch her sober, which is a challenge in itself, and grab a casual opportunity should one arise.Tired. Couldnt sleep last night or the night before. Lots going on, despite not being back to work yet. lol My poor E has so much on his plate. Most of which I cannot help him with. He asked my advice on something last night, and I told him my thoughts. Hate he's having to deal with so much, mostly brought on by his own children and people he's helped in the past.
Remember folks, no good deed goes unpunished.
No AC yet. Died early last week? A 3 ton unit is apparently donated, getting it installed is a whole 'nother story
My room is cool. Spent money on a window unit as I can't be too hot with open wounds. Kids all have fans. A hard month financially. Paycheck was cut last month with no notice (22.5 hours). Then end of year fee's (lunch accounts totaling around $700) then all the damn fans and food since it's summer and mouths are home more ha.
Bleh
Where my rock to crawl under. Who took my rock?
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Ha. I have learned to be very selective with my words, but treading lightly is not something I do well. I tread cautiously, honestly, realistically. E knows this about me. His question was regarding a business matter that involves his boys and other employees, business in general. His boys are putting him in some very precarious business positions.
Money woe's suck. That said, I feel very grateful I had money to buy a window unit. Some may not have been able to. An unexpected expenditure, but financially able, so I shouldn't complain.....
How is your back today, BB?
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hi ladis trying to catch up with all you are going through. I wonder who took all of our rocks? Lol
On the matter regarding friends Humm I am with all of you. Even the only old friend I have in Denver I learn to keep a distance. She is toxic
Last time I went there it was not fun . She is always concern with her drama and can see there are others in worth situations. But is been like that for as long as I remember so I just keep it at a distance now.
I try not to share much of what I am doing or not doing cuz she is very fast to criticize and never really able to provide words of confort.
I am still going cucu with lots but surviving
Bb hope your situation turns good soon you are so strong and it will pay off. Court should be able to straighten ur ex .
Simplicity wow your healing issue is so unfortunately but once is over it ll be all I'm the past. Hang in there
Jazz you amaze me all u go through with the project I know exactly how it is.
So much drama at my work place I hate it.
Melb I am glad u are having time to meditate on how to handle ur friend
is not an easy task I think some of us see our friends as people we never could lose but then ya they show us that some of them were not truth honest.
I am now so done with people and in a way is scarry how independent I became that I dream with moving to a small town isolated where I could grow my vegetables and have chickens and my own world lol
Yes I am back in downtown
I keep on dreaming is all I got left lol
Bb I bought the lottery today for Friday fingers crossed
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idk But I think theres a rock conspiracy going on. I went to crawl under mine today and it was *gasp* gone. Another friends is missing too. We have a suspect in mind lol
Beautiful night. Sitting outside with my beautiful dog (Ill have to pull a pic in). Waiting for the moon.
So tired but sleep has been hard to come by.
Enerva, Ive never been much of a people person, even before dx. But I do try to hold onto good ones I find. Thou my eyes and ears are always wide open.
I love your perseverance and attitude, Enerva
I drove to Virginia last weekend, to a friends house who has horses. Big mistake. Only about a 1.5 hour trip, but some good old mountain work my friend was doing got me a bit lost LOL so I ended up driving more than I intended to.
So I've had two friends make comments. Saw you went to Virginia last weekend, was wondering when you were going to get up to see me.
Wtf?
One of them has been up to visit/help a couple times but the other friend, Ive known about 25 years, has not been up since chemo. And another good friend hasn't been up to visit but once because she can't really drink up here and then drive home O.o
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lol simplicity ya there is always the coments "how come u never come visit?" Ahhh maybe cuz I don't want to deal with you ah hahaha
I always get the one in Denver inviting others to come visit me wth? Do I have a hotel? Till one day I told her off and I told her to keep me out of her plans with others . Here is the thing I have my big family all far away so the small vacation I take once a year I usually go see them .well this friend always complaint that I never visit her instead bla bla bla then I finally did and she treated me like crap never again.
And yes she came to visit me when I was having chemo but that was more stressful I had to pick her up from the airport then attend her as a visitor and then drive her to the airport . I never invited her she invited herself I got the feeling she thought maybe I could die and she could feel guilty she didn't come see me. Honestly no sure what was her intend but now when ever she see a picture of me. She makes the coment oh your hair is so long. Oh you haven't change .. but not in a nice way . I guess she came and saw me bold and destroyed and she thought I would be done lol but like she ll never say . Your hair looks good or wow you look good ! Nop always some weird coment half way. I kept my sickness private and she went and told all our high school friends then people I haven't seen in 25 years started to pop up in my face book I turned it off and said to her . There are people who never were close to me all of the suden msging me on face book. She kept silence .it pissed me off so much .
Ya simplicity I am totally over those friends
The way I see it school was over and everybody went on different path and changed I have nothing in common with them anymore.
Lotto max that is my new friend now lol maybe it ll come visit and we can all move to a close area where we can have a true group honest people. I love you guys cuz we have been to hell and back and we never judge each other we are here for each other to vent or to be happy or to cry.
Talking about some amazing thing I saw and want to share with u all my next projects
Mandala painting stones lol
I love them I must try looks so beatiful
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Hi friends- it is another hot one today, but there was a nice breeze tonight on the way out tonight. We are living in a blast furnace for the next week. Will be working from home tomorrow (yay).
E- you know what the painful thing is around people who fly in to help you? In most cases, they seem to see it as some sort of vacation and don't really understand you are in CANCER TREATMENT. One of my friends who flew out to AZ to help me during internal rads, seem to see it as play time and was pushing me to go out and do a lot after I had the internal rads tubes put in. After the second day, I told her I needed to stay back and rest to be ready for the radiation treatments. She was helpful up to that point, but then felt, she needed to go. She went off on that Sunday to do her own thing, got into a big drama call with her brother in law and then wanted me to take her to urgent care for high BP. I gave her the keys to the car, took the hotel shuttle to the medical center for my rads apt, and told her to go take care of herself. When i got back, she was getting ready to go home. She told me recently that my cancer was not coming back ever, what? Like BB said, lots of denial goes on during all this. And she was one of the better ones.
Your plate is full E. I chuckled at the 'going cucu' comment. I feel the same most days. Those stones are beautiful!
Simplicity- sorry things are hot, and hard financially, etc. We all found ourselves digging out of this crap for awhile, cancer is not cheap and interferes with the ability to make a living. I went back to work during rads treatment and worked on the worst project ever and thought so many times I would just term my contract, but having those bills to get paid off was the driver to keep going. And sorry about your friends have not always beening there. Consider yourself lucky the drinker has stayed away.
Have your docs talked to you about limiting the booze? My MO said no more than 2-3 drinks a week. My drinking friends flipped out and one of them (the one friend who stopped staying in touch) really was upset. That may be part of the reason she is gone, cannot be a drinking buddy anymore. We change with all this and not everyone comes along for the ride?
I always tell people the physical part is hard with this stuff, but the emotional and people part is beyond belief sometimes.
Stay cool my people.
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Ive never been much of a drinker and honestly, I think she resents that in an odd way. Shes a drink pusher too. Always. Wine in her hand, or beer, muxed drink, something.
Plus with the pain pills...uh uh no sir lol Ive worked in rx & it scares me. Drug interactions can happen so easily.
Well, nite all. Going to jump er uh slowly rise into my bed carefully until Im comfy. Takes a few lol
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bb I love you lol let's do some rock painting lol
Bb u ll love this rocks
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Those are beautiful Enerva. A friend posted something about those on fb the other day.
Got a decent report from the Dr. He said my dehiscence (separation) wasn't bad at all. Here I am, thinking a hole at my incision is bad, apparently not as bad as some. He cleaned it out, opened the right side where the dying fatty tissue was, and cleaned it out, made me bleed, and then they packed it. Ugh. I have always found the medical world fascinating, so I watched him do the right, but couldn't watch any more. No local anesthetic so, kind of hurt.
So tired but cant sleep. Past week or so has been that way. BUT I am in my bed now!
Hope all are doing ok today.
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Simplicity- sounds like the visit went okay for the most part. Sorry to hear it was painful though. Take some Advil and go rest. Can you ice the affected areas or no? It is good reassurrence that the doctor says not that bad. All this stuff looks horrible when it is happening. Down the line as things heal, you will see less and less ugly stuff. Although we are forever changed after all this.
BB- I am sorry you have no friends. Because my family has not really been there for me for a long time, I have depended on the kindness of friends to get me through the hard times for many decades. Some friends have been better than others during different times than others. A sick family member, a job loss, my own health challenges. I do remind myself that many people have no idea what things are like for us so I try to put it up front what I need help with. If they show up great, and if not, I don't feel it is my job to explain or help them through with whatever they have going on. We all end up with different things in life. It sounds like your mother and sister have been there for you and your boys are trying to be there as well. That my friend, is something to be grateful for. Not all of us get a supportive family.
Melp- the other thing I was going to share with you that it took me a long time to figure out that not everyone is looking for the same thing from friendship. Kind of like with men, we should be asking up front in our connections, what are you looking for? Business people do it all the time too, what do you need help with and do I want to do it (even if you are going to pay me for it?) We don't ask that question of our women friends though. I have had some friends tell me they are looking for a concert buddy, looking for someone to be like a sister to me, looking for someone to hang out with during the holidays, etc. Then at least you know. We go in to friendship based on common things like school, or jobs, or hobbies.
After going through a lot in my 30s, 40s and here in my 50s, here is now what I know is true. I don't have to always be doing for others and not having anything in return. I am trying to be my own best friend. People either like us for who we are or not. If I need help, I try to go to the people that will give me a ride, or show up without a need to make it about them, give a lecture, etc. Friends should not be a lot of work, although there will be times they are struggling and may need more from us. As we will of them. I have really learned to look at my friendships so differently now. Cancer was a huge eye opener for me. Do people really care about me or is the driver something else? I really pay attention now. I have let some people go who don't care and don't miss them either. The quality of my friendships is far better.
Hope- your surgery is coming up fast. Do you have things set and ready to go?
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wow the more I read your post jazz the more I feel like we are blood sisters lol
We are so similar bc opened my ayes and ears I totally agree and me too I see the conection with friends like with men lol we must find out what is it they are looking for ? Men usually hide it so well and so do friends lol
My first attempt at the rock disappointed me lol
But I just found the tools foe $2.99 in amazon hahaha ha I ll master it as soon as I get those tools here is my dissapointing rock by hand lol my pulse sick
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I am loving these stones! I need to look into this further!!!
Sentinel node mapping today. Then surgery tomorrow. Part of me is so ready to get this rolling, and part of me wants to run and hide.
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Hope- I was thinking your surgery is tomorrow. Will be in your pocket and please let us know how things go. Those of us on the other side are here to tell you that you WILL get through this. Try to get a good night's sleep tonight, better for the body. Easier said than done too!
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Decided I wanted a friend to drop me off at the hospital doors and not wait through surgery. When I wake I will text a few important people. I will also leave my mom's number with a nurse in case of emergency. The ex boyfriend is still being considered for my drive home after discharge- I haven't asked anyone to do this part yet...and will see how I feel when the moment comes.
I just feel like I need time to process this step alone, as well as whatever limited news we learn regarding the PS success in doing immediate implant reconstruction and lymph node pathology....its something I don't want a crowd for when learning. One of the few things I can control in this process is how/who I surround myself with... So I need to give myself that power.
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I am new to this board but glad to find I am not the only single one out there. Seems most woman have a husband to help them get through this and they will have someone at the end. It is hard to imagine dating after a bilateral mastectomy especially since my reconstruction won't be done until May of next year.
Hopefloatsinyyc - I completely understand you wanting to go it alone. I have done that with other surgeries in the past.
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Hopefloats, I like your perspective. Just be mindful to ask for help when needed as opposed to over whelming or hurting yourself....
Seem extra tired today so taking it easy and resting. Local pain is gone from the incision area since he cleaned it yesterday. Still bleeding a bit, but feels much better than it has
Hope everyone else is doing ok today
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Welcome 786 to our thread. What a beautiful photo! Let us know how we can help you? Lots of experience out here with these single ladies that we are more than willing to share!
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I will be single for the rest of my life. I WANT it that way. No more lies, no more BS, no more falling into the toilet because they dont know how to put a seat down! LOL I have lived my entire life taking care of other people, kids, husbands,, no more,, MY time!
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look what just made
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I just read your posts. Welcome to our new friend .
I agree about you wanting to be alone during this surgery but how I wish I could be close to go and be there for when u wake up. I will also be in your pocket sister.
Bb sending you hugs I miss talking to you.
Simplicity I just took a pill to sleep a few more hours tonight .
I went to bed late last night. I am cucu I get into this craft stuff and it drives me nuts till I nail it lol I am so sorry I have no money to dedicate to crafts
I am so broke and hoping I ll be able to travel in august to cancun to my nephews and the so love of my life the sun.
I wish you all sweet dreams .
This weekend I will see my ex s sister and her two kids
Well they have been inviting me over for as long as last year when I was there visiting
Yes it may mean I may see him again but hopeFully it won't be wierd.
I ll enjoy the girls as they are the cutest Littles things and one of them is very sick . She suffers from extrem allergies and recently pneumonia
I ll bring paints and enjoy doing crafts with them lol they have been collecting some rocks for me too.
Anyway good night all
Jazz I got so sad and emotional with the YouTube u sent me
The only problem is that british Colombia is so so far away
How I wish I could go and rescue some beautiful birds I miss my lucky so so much
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Welcome Libby- right there with you sister! Time to put ourselves first for a change. I realize for those raising children, that is not possible but it will be once the little ones are out on their own.
E- it is nice that woman created that refuge for those birds, but without any succession planning or money to continue that, those birds are now at high risk. If I were closer, I would get some myself.
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Morning ladies.
Enerva, I have all I need
and a slew of colored pens, pencils, crayons and coloring books. I am just frustrated with the way this months 'budget' went lol ugh BUT I should be grateful, and I am, for many reasons. Love the owl! We have a lot of heart rocks we have collected from the river beds for years. Hm. Maybe I could paint those?Birds are great pets. The one I sent with my friend is doing very well, and happy. She got him 2 little parakeet friends and he seems to enjoy the company haha I love animals and it's a good thing I don't live in a bigger house in the country.
BB....where are you BB.......please check in
Melp? Life? You ladies doing ok?
786, Libby. Don't give up hope. I reconnected with a friend of 10 yrs just after my bmx, and he didn't mind. He has been very patient and accepting. Unfortunately, the reality is, sometimes we have to go through some poopy ones to find the good ones. I am content alone, and have been a single parent for 13yrs now. Finally found me a good one. Workaholic. But if that's his biggest issue, I can deal with it
Waiting on my donated HVAC unit. I cannot believe a unit was donated to us!!!! I am so grateful!!!!!!! Hoping i can keep my emotions in today....or at least a bit subdued.
Dr is going to have to scrape my separations again next week
I can see more of the gook way down in the one side, and some on the edges of the other one Ugh. Discouraging.0 -
hum simplicity I feel bad ur surgery has become a hard one to heal
Is there anything you could eat or take to help ?
Is so much frustration when we don't have it under control but yes let the Dr clean it
Jazz I went to the Web side and they say they ll not give away the birds I am not sure what is the true history Check it out.
Seems a vet has come in to take over
http://worldparrotrefuge.org/refuge-photos-galore/...
Humm
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