Single life after a mastectomy
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Artista- thank you for responding. I'm finding that it is nice to know that someone understands. I really don't think I'd ever marry again. Like you said, there's no reason. Also, my ex was the love of my life, I just wasn't his. I still can't wrap my head around the fact that he never loved me from the beginning. 20 years of my life was a lie. The one he's married to was a crush of his in his tween years. She moved away at the age of 11 and he wasn't able to find her until 2012 when he found her through the internet. They were both married with children and decided that they were both going to divorce so they could be together. They hadn't seen each other since she was 11. She lived in Florida, so he found a job and moved us here with the intention of being with her. We moved here in late 2012. They were trying to make their plans. I messed that up by having a heart attack in early 2013. Her divorce was not going well so he waited until 2014 to divorce me. There's so much more to the story, but too much to write. Anyway, after being deceived for 20 years, I obviously have trust issues.
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Jazz- I was amazed that you responded so quickly. You are through your battle and still on here trying to help new people. You have a big heart and much compassion to do that. You are an amazing person.
In response to your questions/ suggestions. I live in a very small house. I need a yard so my service dog can get exercise. When I initially got thrown out of my house I lived in an apartment for 2 years. It didn't work out well for many reasons. I had to walk my dog quite far to the area where they were allowed to go potty, rain or shine. I can't walk very fast or far so he never got exercise. In the two years I lived there I had 4 surgeries. During the recoveries my dog had to wait to go potty until my son was home. I was also attacked by someone else's dog and that landed me in the ER because I fell, got knocked unconscious had a concussion herniated two disks in my neck had a big hole in my forehead and smashed my implants from my previous cancer. In addition to the 4 surgeries I had already had while living there, I had to have my breasts redone and it took 6 surgeries to fix my forehead. The ER didn't clean the wound correctly so it became infected. My surgeon cleaned it out and closed it. Every month and a half it would come to a head and be infected again. My surgeon couldn't get all of the debris out because it had spread throughout my forehead. So with the dog incident and the other 4 surgeries I had while living there I had a total of 11 surgeries in two years. I went to the apartment management and asked if they could help with my medical bills since they wouldn't tell me who's dog it was and the dog was outside by itself and not on a leash. Complex rules were you had to be with your dog if it's outside and it had to be on a leash at all times. They declined any help. Plus, I had horrible neighbors all around me. They made constant loud noise day and night. About 2 months after the attack I received my lease renewal, they raised my rent $300. I knew they wanted me out. I also know that they knew I had a legal case against them due to the attack. But they knew that I didn't have the money for an Attorney. So, I looked for a small house with a little yard for my dog. I found one and used a USDA loan so I didn't have to have a down payment because I had no money. In December I will be here 2 years. I've already had to get a new water heater, fix plumbing issues and get a new AC because the old one died. The house needs many repairs and is not updated at all, but it was all I could afford. I had to take out a loan for the needed repairs I mentioned. Also, my house payment is lower than rent for a one bedroom apartment here. Also, I've only been here since December 2015. Having a loan with no down payment I'm upside down. I have no equity to sell, I'd lose money, especially with all the repairs that are needed to sell. I had an inspector when I bought the house but he missed so many things like the AC, water heater and plumbing that I had to get fixed in order to live here. The previous owner put band aids on a lot of things in order to sell and the inspector was too dumb to catch it. Like my patio door. The handle fell off and the door goes off track every time you use it and it doesn't lock. This started the week we moved in. It can't be fixed, it has to be replaced, which I can't afford. All the windows need to be replaced, can't afford that. The inspector should have caught these issues. Also, once my oldest graduates from his masters he will be able to make great money out of the gate, however, he will most likely have to move. He will go where ever he gets the best offer, which could be anywhere in the US. He wants his brother and I to move to wherever he ends up. He doesn't want me to live with him but he wants me close because he knows that I will be alone and have limited capabilities. He also wants his brother there because we are the only family any of us have. What my youngest is going to school for, he can find a good job anywhere.
As far as needing a good Attorney, you are right. But we've been to court so many times. The last was when CPS got involved and also the police due to the abuse of my son. With both of them involved as well as testimony from many psychologists and psychiatrists that they had evaluate my son, my ex is not allowed to see him. I won that case but it came with a price tag of $20,000. Yet another loan I will be paying forever. But I had no choice, my sons welfare is more important. All the things that my ex owes me and my boys is in the initial divorce and has been carried forward each time we went to court. He just doesn't comply and is in contempt of court but he doesn't care because he knows that I can't afford to take him back to court. How it works is if I want something enforced, I have to file a motion for each issue separately. We go through the court system separately on each issue. The judge will order him to comply since the issues have been ordered in the divorce. I have done this with one issue. He was ordered to comply and he didn't. Basically they do nothing to him when he doesn't. I would need an expensive Attorney that keeps fighting until something is done. With all he's in contempt for it would cost me at least $75 to $100,000 to pursue it until he has to comply. I met with several Attorneys and they all told me the same thing. I will never be able to afford it.
As far as benefits from the military, I've checked many times. There is nothing that can help me. I check frequently to see if any laws have changed or if something new is added. I worked for the VA in the legal department for many years.
About my tx. I was dx'd in 2004 with IDC stage1, grade3, ER-PR-HER triple negative, left breast. I had a lumpectomy without clear margins so they did a segmental mastectomy and sentinal node biopsy. Node was clear. I then had rads to the breast, lymph nodes and chest wall. I was on tamoxifen for 5 years.
In April this year I was dx'd with IDC stage1, grade3, ER+PR+HER-. No lymph node involvement left breast. PET Scan in May my left ovary lit up and my CA125 kept rising. It started to go up in April and by mid June it was 10x's higher than it should be. Had 2 transvaginal ultrasounds but they were unable to tell if it was a tumor or something else. June 5th I had a BMX. June 20th I saw my MO and he said he wants me to have oophorectomy. He called my GYN and I saw him the next day. Another ultrasound. He called my MO while I was there and they agreed that I needed an oophorectomy ASAP. June 29th I was in surgery for that. They wanted to do it sooner, but due to my heart attack I had to get tests and a cardiac clearance from my cardiologist before surgery.
This sounds confusing, but I didn't have a reoccurrence. This was a new CA in what was left of my left breast. If you look at my path, first CA was ER and PR negative. This one was ER and PR positive. It was 95% ER positive. MO said I needed to get BMX. Then with the PET Scan and the CA125 rising so fast MO and GYN decided that I needed an oophorectomy. Luckily the path for the oophorectomy came back negative for cancer. However, MO and GYN would have recommended that I get the oophorectomy even if PET and CA 125 weren't rising because of being 95% ER positive. MO said oophorectomy was better because he was afraid to put me on hormone blockers due to several other conditions I have. He said that the SE's of them would cause my other conditions to become worse and possibly cause more medical issues. Even though I'm going through all this, I'm fortunate that it was a new CA rather than a reoccurrence of the last one. MO said that if it was a reoccurrence I most likely would've ended up with METS.
I have amazing doctors. Since I got the first BC so young, have no one in my family that ever had bc or ovarian ca and had all the genetic testing which came back negative my MO has watched me very closely since my first dx. He said protocol was to watch me until I was done with the tamoxifen after the first ca, which would have been about 6 years. Then cut me loose to my GYN and to have him do a yearly mammo. He said he didn't feel comfortable following protocol with me and never knew why. I'm thankful that he made me come every 4 months after I should have stopped going. I wouldn't be alive if he didn't. He found other conditions that I have that my other docs missed.
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Alone- well, I am here because I am still technically in treatment on the AIs. I will be done next March though, getting closer and just came through the last of my follow ups. But I have a strong interest in this place and the people I have met here. People do come and go on the threads, some do treatment and move along, others stay for the longer term. This is a place where I can talk about anything with my cancer without needing to be told what things are or are not by others who have zero clue. Follow up time is especially stressful for me so I tend to lay low with others in my area, but talk to folks here regularly.
The story about your ex meeting up with someone from long ago is a story I have been on the other side of recently. An old BF from grad school days, but we are both single (me never married and him divorced a year ago). He was going to visit but it didn't happen, so we are just friends and keeping it that way. Those feelings with people from the past can run deep, but that being said, not a reason to end a marriage. I am sorry you feel like your marraige was not a truthful one, but you have two great sons (just like BB does).
Have you considered a work from home job? I know sometimes finding those are easier said than done, but know people who have disabilities who do remote work. Just throwing out ideas for you.
My docs thought my cancer was genetic too for different reasons. All the tests have come up negative but more women on the paternal side who are younger are showing up with it. So my MO and I had a chat about that last week and need to talk to a cousin about things.
Most of us here have limited or no family around us. You are in good company.
And no I don't think you need to be married again unless you want to be. I don't see a benefit to me at this point. Nice male companionship? Sure. I am used to doing things for myself and by myself.
You have gone through a lot physically and emotionally. We are here to listen any time.
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Jazz-
I understand what you said about feelings from the past. Your situation is a bit different. You were in grad school and actually had a relationship with the man.
My ex was 15 when he met this girl, she was 11. They never dated, he just had a crush on her. He was obviously too old for her at that point in time. They knew each other for 3 months and she was gone. All they did was play together. They never even held hands or kissed.
Then to tell me after 20 years together that he is leaving our family for his true love, WTH? He went as far as to tell me the story of them that I just told you. He also told me that he never loved me but I was the best he could find if he couldn't have her. I asked him why we deliberately had children if he didn't love me and why he asked me to marry him. He said he thought he'd never find her.
So yes, my entire life was a lie. I thought we were happy and had a good marriage. That is until one day out of the blue he tells me all this and then left to be with her. I asked him what about our boys and our family. He said he had to do what's best for him and we will just have to deal with it. He destroyed me and my boys and never looked back. My boys, nor I have ever healed from what he did.
I just can't wrap my head around how you could leave your wife, much less your children for someone that you knew for 3 months when she was 11 years old.
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Alone- you are correct about my situation being different. I just have found that old feelings about people really take you down a really unexpected road sometimes. My person was someone I actually dated though, as you say. I also feel you don't have to act on all your feelings. I certainly never have. Feelings come and go.
Just keep asking yourself what you want now?
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Jazz-
What I want is impossible. I want to go back in time and have my family back together. I want my ex to have truly loved me the way I did him. I want my boys to be happy and not have all the emotional hurts and scars that they have. I want what I thought was my life back and for it to be real. But I know that isn't possible.
As for reality, I truly don't know what I want. I'm completely lost right now.
I've been a mess since the divorce, now the cancer again as well as menopause.
I think of my ex constantly and dream about him every night. I want that to go away.The best I can say is that I'd like peace in my mind and my heart.
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Hi again. I only recently tried online dating and honestly, I found the men to be much too needy. They all wanted a serious relationship too soon. I think at our age (I'm 52) maybe men just don't know how to take care of their own lives, most having been divorced only a few years. I wanted to be active and go do things as we got to know one another. They wanted commitment.
Anyway, I was finally ready to try, then this happened, so now I feel like I can't try dating. I mean, I'm having surgery August 10, then who knows what kind of treatment. I'll most likely lose my hair and feel sick or tired, so dating is out of the question for now, but I'd like to think it's still a possibility down the road.
I remind myself that other than cancer throwing a grenade into my life, things were pretty good even without make company. Still, now I kind of feel like even the option of dating is just one more thing cancer is forcing me to give up. I'm pretty negative today though. Maybe tomorrow will be better...
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Brightness- that is my experience too. The men I have met in my 50s who are most interested in me are usually needing a lot from me. Or as one friend says it "they need things from me I am not able or willing to give." The old BF from days gone by seem to really want something more with me, but is a mess. He does not live here so easy to keep him away.
I was at a professional event a couple years ago and met this guy who at first seemed okay, but within 30 minutes made it very clear he was looking for someone to take care of him (and not sure he was even divorced yet, but was seperated). Not interested in being someone's mother. That is not uncommon and the minute I get wind they are looking to be taken care of financially or with some health issue, I am on my way.
Alone- Take some time to heal from all that has gone on.
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BB- yes, I know of whome you speak. It is hard to know what is a deal breaker. You never know if someone else has had cancer either. Or something else major. I find the people who can be most present with me about in the non dating world are either people who have had it or supported someone close to them with it. I would think that would be true in the dating world. People either get it or they don't?
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Wow so much happening here.
Welcome to the new ladies.
Well I have a few updates.
Health I guess is the same, I still have some issues which have no gone away
I didn't get a call with an appointment yet.
At work I was told that in September both the new girl and my manger will be away so I will be alone to do 4 desk plus the manager crap.
For like a week.
Yesterday I decided to get my aye test cuz my glasses broke cuz they are like over 3 years old,
And good news is that my vision has no change I have -1 in each eye
Bad news is it cost me $430 for 2 glasses and $95 for the eye exam. My insurance only covers $200.00 so I will be fked
I am so broke. I honestly don't see my luck changing these days.
But I am happy to get new glasses cuz it was annoying at school not to be able to see the slides and the pair that is still in an ok shape I keep in the car for driving. So I will think of it as my birthday gift. Another bad new was that the drop the lady put in my yes gave me a headache I went to bed with it and woke up with it. So had to take a Tylenol this morning but glad it is gone now.
So next weekend is my birthday I am so depressed already ha ha ha I will be 44 and I just cant take it ha ha ha I feel like I am 30 but reality is hard
Ok guess who msg me this morning well more like last night but I was sleeping.
My ex lol he msg to say he is coming to the city for some business and wonders if I ll be available to grab a bite.
So this morning I told him , I will love to but . I have gym and school after work today so nahh I doubt I can meet.
But I told him if he is still in town around 7pm and want to grab an ice cream at a place at 3290misland ave Markham which is a place
I am dying to go to. Then I can meet him there for an ice cream. Ha haahaha off course I am sure he wont and I tell you all why.
- 1-I am telling him I ll meet him at a neutral place far from where I live.
- 2-He will figure there will be no chance for him to make a move
- 3-He wont just meet me for a bite
I am sure he is just wanting a place to crash and get lucky at the same time. I will love to but I just don't want to be just the one he calls when ever he pleases. It seems is always that way.
So what can I say, a few days ago on Instagram I saw this dating site some pictures of good looking grown man lol and my first reaction was
Hum I bet after you sign up you can find no one that looks that way lol I realize that man don't really take good care of themselves now a days.
Is more the ladies who look great at 40 but man look like they are 70 or even 80? So yes BB my channig tattum
Is not showing up in my path any time soon lol I will save myself till I go to Vegas and see his show hahahahahhaha
oh i recieved the OWl i ll post a picture i hope this ll work
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BB-
I'm new to the thread. I was reading some of the posts from a couple years ago. Obviously, I can't read all of them. But in reading some of yours, I realized that you have been through many of the same things that I am going through. It's almost scary how much of what I read was a mirror of my situation. I was wondering if you would give me some advice on how you dealt with some of the things you went through? There are a few things that I have to deal with immediately and don't know where to start.
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Alone - i am so sorry to read about your marriage....it's very traumatizing. i am 45 never been married so i can't say i understand what you're going through. but i want to give you a hug. and also want to say, let go of your ex who is not a nice person. what he did was so self serving. i can't comment on the leaving you part but the fact the he took all the money and left you and the kids with nothing is just cruel. let him go......you don't want that kind of person in your life.
one step at a time and baby steps... be glad his lies are out of your life and you can live an authentic life. try asking your hospital if they offer free counseling, talking to them could help a lot. i found them to be very helpful personally. you can complain yell and whatever but knowing that you want to forget him, move on and live your new life.
i know what i am saying might sound loads of BS but getting rid of the negative energy so the new positive energy can enter....
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June- Thank you for the kind words. I'm truly trying since the divorce in 2014. I worked a lot of my marriage and had an extremely good income. We saved a lot. When I became disabled we were still doing well. When I had to go out on my own with my boys it was really hard because I walked away from the marriage with nothing but my disability check. I never had money issues even before I got married. Trying to support my boys and myself is very difficult on disability. I have ongoing medical problems which doesn't help. Then to get another CA dx didn't help. I also had to have an oophorectomy the same month as my mastectomy. Now my medical bills are insane. I'll be paying them for the rest of my life. I didn't get reconstruction because of the cost. I hope to get it one day.
I'm just angry that I have to scrape to make ends meet.....I'm not even able to do that since the ca. He and his wife live like we did with no financial issues and she doesn't work just because she's lazy. I also found out during the police investigation about my son's abuse that she is a drug addict and has a criminal record as well as has been Baker Acted many times. She's diagnosed with multiple psych conditions. During the investigation the police drug tested her and it came back positive for several things. The fact is that she's is living like that because I also worked and saved money and he took it all for them.
My boys shouldn't have to live the way we do so he can support her and her drug habits. I still can't believe that he chose her over his boys.
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Alone - i can totally understand the anger...i would be too if i were in your position. i don't have anything wise to say but i believe God does not like ugly. what he did was despicable. believe in yourself that things will get better. a better mental state promotes a better physical health. do it for yourself, for your kids. F the ex and his crackhead wife....don't waste a second of your life and your brain cells on those losers.
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BB - thanks for remembering me. the job is okay, i am settling in. gosh it's so lonely here at this new job, i don't have anybody to bounce ideas around...unlike at the old job, i had people i could go to for asking advices but not at the new job. i am trying to be in touch w god's intent and hopefully this is what he wants me to learn here and will carry this experience to further my career.
i like what i am doing, ppl here are nice. but i am not excited....
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hi ladies, ok BB i just went to my girlfriend s place you know margarita the one i fixed up one of her trees lol i ll post a picture i brought her 3 more Hostas i grew in a pot. Also use some red mulch and looking as if things will improve maybe next year the plants will be more settlled. lots of rain and i work today from 7am to 7pm but from my lap top so just monitoring the system. i will drive home tonight then tomorrow i work the late shift 11 to 7pm. also wed the morning shift on Thursday back to late on Friday. I got my period very heavy this month but the pain was less so hopping the fibroid is getting smaller not sure. still no appoitment for an MRI so this week i ll follow up.
So June Game of throne last night Wow WOw i was like screaming so so good you must watch.
i ll watch again before bed tonight lol pending a what time i get home.
ok i ll continue this post
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BB - thanks...that's so kind of you to be so encouraging.
you're right, i am not comfortable, it's out of my comfort zone the stuff that i am doing.
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holy I just got home drove 4 hours cuz trafic was brutal. Lol
So here is my work around my friend s tree
June I hope ur new jobs get better . I think that is another fear I have to new jobs the fact that all is new including tasks and managers etc. I wish you the best luck. I keep going to college workin to get a certificste for book keeping and hoping my chances ll improve.
Goo night all.
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BB, E: thanks.....
bookkeeping is a good idea E. it will open up a lot of opportunities for you.
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bb I am sorry .Things keep getting harder and harder. I got the results of the second ultrasound I had done and as we knew the fibroid grew in 1 month 1cm so I am just trying to understand what is it my body reacting to? I didnt have luck contacting the lady who was to make my MRI appointment so I decided to go in person. So I got there and no one was at the desk I ask for her name . She comes out and asked me what is it about ? Why I am looking for her.? I said. " I try leaving msg at least 3 and I got no response . I need to know if my referral was faxed to the MRI department and or if there was an appointment? She said hum what is your name?. I don't recall any MRI form recently. I said it's been more than a week that I was here . She asked me to wait and then wile I waited another lady asked me if I needed help. I said well not sure... it seams the secretary never saw my referral and all I need is to make sure that referral gets fax. Then this lady was very nice and started helping me too. She asked me if I had a copy? I said no really but I have a picture lol I took a picture due to the fact I was not offered a copy. So I shower her she wrote something down and went inside. Mean wile the other useless one came out and gave me a phone # for the MRI department and told me to call them. She said she never faxed it but that who ever was doing the desk that day may have faxed it. I took the paper and waited for the other lady. She came out and said. I called and they told me your appointment is for October 06 at 5pm. I was like wow ok thank you very much. She then gave me some instructions and I thanked her again and left. There you go that is what I deal with. I was lucky to find someone who cared and helped but the lady who I was supposed to get help from just gave me a phone # and go and find out on your own . Anyway I was happy the nice lady from the desk biside came and
help . Now I have to wait 2 months for an MRI then who know how long to get the review of it. Here is the description of the latest ultrasound.
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wow, what a waste of skin of that useless person. i am glad the lady was nice and helpful.
seriously, if ppl are so cold blooded and lazy, just work somewhere else where ppl's live and well being don't matter. ugh....
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lol June I agree with you. The more I think about hospitals I feel there is so many people whom need to take customer service training. June did u get to watch GOT
Omg is just so good u must.
G night all
Sending u love and good luck if u play lotto
I got 2 tikets for this weekend
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Alone:
Welcome. I read your posts. I'm so sorry to hear what happened. You are not alone. Many of us BC survivors have divorced when husbands cheated/left. Many of us have suffered financially as a result. When I first discovered my now-ex's betrayal, I also was shocked, devastated, horrified.
What your ex did was terrible. You're right - who leaves for someone he knew for 3 months when she was 11? And then cleans out the accounts? These guys have no conscience.
Stick around. I may need to go AWOL for a short time, due to some issues, but I plan to check back again soon. This is a great forum, the right spot for you to be with a group of great friends.
{{{HUGS}}}
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BB i am with you. 1000% specially when i ask myself why didnt i study to be in the medical environment? I have so much respect for people i remember when i was a bank teller back in the day. Customers will stay in the line and let other go first to wait for me lol it was very funny at the time but then most told me they didnt mind waiting if i was to help them. I always had a smile and good attitude always went out of my way to help others. but now i see how in the hospitals and clinics most staff are maybe over worked under pay or who knows what but they have no feelings as per to be just nice to people? is sad. i guess i keep my smile up and some how others come over and help me but it is sad when i think of the ones that get turn away so often.
It is just brutal to call here to confirm any appointment you get to be on hold for long and usually if you leave a msg nothing gets done.
Anyway i am stress about the growth of 1cm in 1 month but i now have to wait 2 months
if it keeps growing it ll be over 7cm by October
Grayeyes you are so right some man are honestly animals. no respect for someone they claim they once loved.
i will post later i am working late shift today again.
June BB watch game of throne lol
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E, will do...tomorrow night going to friend's house to watch...hahaha
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Hi from Cali
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wow jazz love the bridge
Have fun .
Enjoy your vacation
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jazzy - enjoy your vacation....!!
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walked by this today. Halloween is either early or maybe frat party time
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lol...frat party. for some reason i felt sorry for their neighbors...
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